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Author's Chapter Notes:

Second chapter is up for your pleasure. The song used in this is Frightened by Toby Lightman. One of the best songs ever made. I suggest everyone check it out on youtube. I made a JoVan video called Frigtened: A JoVan Story and I think I may upload it later. Enjoy.




Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.


 

Viewing nights under the surface
Knowing I found 
Can't run away from 
Can't make it undone
While reaching out for anything
Screaming without a sound
How did I find you 
How was I supposed to try?


John McBain stood in the center of his apartment for many minutes after his lover had left. He tried to move towards an enclosed place. A place where he wouldn't be so exposed, but his feet would not allow him to do it. More importantly, something else was tugging at his dress shirt so adamantly he could almost hear it. 

His heart. 

Years after the death of his first love he thought he could never again regain that sensation. The sinking feeling in the pit of a man's stomach when he knows he just let the best thing walk out of his life for good. He had given up on feelings of those kind years ago. And yet here he was in 2005 years after Caitlin's death and after catching her killer, running away from one potential relationship only to fall into a more complicated one. One that was unexpected but if he was going to be honest with himself at this moment, a necessary one. One that mattered. 

There, he said it. Evangeline in his life was vital to his happiness in ways that Natalie Vega nor Caitlin-God rest her soul-couldn't fulfill. He felt free when he was with her. Even when they were having one of their famous knock-down arguments about whatever his thoughts never strayed from how lovely she really was and how much joy she brought into his otherwise drab existence. 

He was the yin to her yang. She was the day to his night. It seemed as if they had almost nothing in common yet, there was so much they did share on many levels it scared him. They came from different walks of life, separate sides of the street, and different sides of the color spectrum but they both feared commitment, losing control, opening up...letting go. They were workaholics and often used their job as a way to hide behind their emotions. The fact they both chose a career that involved justice, spoke many volumes. And from the very beginning both of them had been on the same page physically and emotionally. Well, the latter used to be a common ground until Evangeline plunged in and took risks they both knew were too scary to speak aloud.

What was holding John McBain back?  He was frightened.

I'm frightened by the love 
That's in you
But it's alright
And I'm 
Frightened by the love
That's in me
But it's alright
It's alright


He was frightened of what completely loving Evangeline would mean to him because he had the feeling that she was the one. And if she was the one, that would be it for him. He would invest his whole life in protecting her, loving her, comforting her and then there would be no turning back. If Evangeline was the one, then she would be the final piece to the puzzle and John didn't know if he could handle that. He didn't understand completion anymore-only fragmented shards of his former self. He couldn't deny that she was the only one who had been able to skillfully put those pieces back together without him even noticing until the project had been almost finished. 

John moved towards his bed, stripping down to his boxers along the way. As he made the short trek from his living room to the bedroom, he noticed all of the improvements that she had made in his life without him notcing. Fresh flowers on his table, pictures of them on his nightstand (well, he'd actually put the pictures there but she had given him the frames), and some of her fancy lawyer suits tucked into his closet. 

John opened up the closet door and fingered one of her snazzy power jackets lying next to one of his dress pants. Funny how they usually wore the same colors unintentionally. He didn't know if it was coincidental, whether they just liked the same colors, or if it was some sort of subconscious telepathic connection. He cursed himself silently. When did he become a sentimental schmuck? When did he get to be the kind of guy that went sniffing around his girlfriend's clothes just to smell her scent and thinking about color coordination? 

He slammed the closet door disgusted. He had made of mess of things hadn't he? But that was no surprise. That was the one function that was like autopilot: ruining a good thing. She was right; he was keeping her at arm's length. The detective walked over to his fire place and ran a hand over his spotless mantelpiece and smiled as he remembered why it smelt like lemon Pledge. She had come over last weekend and dusted. 

"I figured since you're never aware of how thick the dust is in here and that I'm allergic, I'd dust for you instead of dropping subtle hints you'll never pick up." She had laughed uncontrollably as he tackled her to the sofa and began to tickle her in retaliation for her snide remarks. She looked so cute that day with her hair secured by a bandana and her comfy tank top and sweats combo which did nothing to hide her gorgeous body. 

She had even vacuumed, he thought with a sigh. His fridge and cabinets were stocked for the first time in years. The woman could cook-whether she liked to was a different story. And that was what made it so endearing. The fact that she'd rather not spend an hour in the kitchen when she could go out to eat but did it for him, said much for her character and what type of woman she was. She was selfless. Almost to a fault. John knew, however, Evangeline would never be a stay at home type. That was always something he just assumed would happen when he got married. Caitlin was going to follow in the tradition of the countless McBain women that had come before her. She had been content to focus on building their home fulltime once they started a family of their own. He wasn't ashamed to say he came from that world nor was his mother. Evangeline would never give up her career unless she wanted to and he was certain that she wouldn't. She was a product of the late seventies where women could do it all and then some. And as chauvinistic as John could be sometimes-he hated to admit it-in his thinking, he would actually be okay with that because he really believed that Evangeline could do anything and everything she set her mind too. She had a made career out of compartmentalizing her life. 

John sat down on his bed and ran his hands through his hair in frustration. "Dammit!" he said aloud to no one in particular. This woman was a drug. The good kind too. The kind that seeped through your veins in a matter of seconds releasing you from all hellish realities. The kind that took you so high you'd be too scared to come down because of the long way. She had him thinking about his future. Her future with him. Our future, he thought. But in his mind John was almost sure that's not what he could have. Futures were fairytales in his book; illusions that made you hope for the best only to turn into a nightmare before you could even blink. He could hardly get through the day without his life being in danger, how was he supposed to think about tomorrow and that of someone else?

Oh, he was frightened even if he never said it to anyone but himself. Evangeline could mean everything he told himself he couldn't have because of the job he had chosen and the skeletons and dirt that lay beneath his soul. And if he gave her his love he would be constantly worried about her safety. He would go crazy over whether a guy he bagged would seek revenge on him via his woman. It happened once before. It could happen again. And if she shined a light on all of the pain and hurt that had caused him to clam up at anything new, he was afraid she would run away too horrified by his past to stay with him. At the crux of his fears was that he would have her momentarily and then lose her forever. He would rather break her heart now so she could live without that fear. Hell, so he could live without that fear. He could love her from afar, worship her from a distance. John McBain was used to suppressing his emotions; even if it killed him slowly. She would get over him. He couldn't go through another Caitlin tragedy. 

Not again

But to let her go...it would be so painful and so exhausting. At the end of the day when he came home, he looked forward to her being there. Van would be there taking his mind off of the never ending battle he always faced at work. A battle she knew felt he was always losing. Sometimes, for the hard ones that he knew he would not close, he tell her about it even though he couldn't say much and she would tease him about his tight lipped nature. Van would cut through it all and just listen to what little he had to say. And she always gave him a different way to look at things. Lawyers and cops were practically sworn enemies. The cops would work diligently to get the bad guys and the lawyers would work just as diligently to get them back on the streets. Somehow, though, they worked through that even when they had been on opposite sides on the same case. It was hard, but it was worth it. 

Evangeline...she made him feel desired, scared, excited, alive, worthy. She made him need. 

The only one who understands
The only one who gave me
Something to belong to 
With nothing left to undo
With you everything is beautiful
And I'm not scared to be
Falling into unknown
With you I find the strength to carry on


John laid back on his pillow and sighed. Her voice kept resounding in his head. "And all the little strings you tie on our wrists and things you say to me, it doesn't always compute with the things you do...I don't want to try anymore."

As sleep claimed John the last thought he had was that she would never understand how much those words affected him. 
**********

John woke up startled. He was in an unfamiliar place. The sun was beating on his back like a laser on its target. He shook his head to get his bearings. Looking around, John suddenly realized he was indeed in just the opposite of unfamiliar. How he got there he didn't know but he was there. A place he never thought he would return to again but seemed to do so time after time. It seemed it was out of his control.

"Freedom Park," he said softly. It had almost been a home away from home for him when he was in D.C. with the FBI. He and...Caitlin. They would sit out there almost every afternoon in the spring and summer for lunch and people watch. Every day was a different scene near Pennsylvania Avenue. Tourists, agents, college students and senators having power lunches would come to the park to enjoy the fresh air and the beautiful sites it offered. The luscious green grass, the statues and the vendor where the best hot dogs in the city could be found, were only a few favorites on John's list in the park that was made to resemble the American flag. If he were a different kind of man he would have cried right there but he was not. 

Every time his unconscious state found itself in this place, he tried to be surprised. Like he didn't know what he was doing back in this spot where it all began and concluded horrifically. It certainly wouldn't have been the place he'd chosen if he were coming back to D.C. It had too many memories. But he always came back.

He lost his thoughts as he watched the hustle and bustle of the city go by in loud noises and gentle breezes. The park wasn't as crowded as usual but there were people there enjoying the beautiful afternoon. Dogs catching Frisbees, babies crawling on the blankets their parents had set out for them, people taking pictures. Just as he remembered.

"I never get tired of this place," a soft voice said breaking the silence. 

He knew who it was automatically. He could never forget that sweet voice. He heard it almost every night in his dreams. Nightmares, depending on how you looked at it. 

"I knew you would be here," he said smiling. "You're right on time." He turned in her direction and saw her sweet face, her green eyes as sparkling as the emerald ring on her finger glinting in the sunlight. She was wearing a cotton red sundress that had been her favorite piece of clothing since he could remember. She looked like an Angel.

The red-headed beauty only smiled in return and took a seat. "You know I could never miss this. This is our special time where no one can harm us."

His smile faded a little bit and he looked at the ground. "I know this isn't real."

"Do you want this to be real?" she asked serious this time around. 

"More than you can imagine."

"I have a pretty big imagination," she said with a grin.

John chuckled glad to be in the familiar. "I know. I remember our ‘Anywhere but Here' games."

She laughed, the echoes traveling towards the heavens. "I remember. I always had something new but you always said the same thing. Grand Canyon, rock climbing, with me."

"Well, I didn't need to imagine being with someone else when I had you. The beauty of nature and the beauty of woman side by side."

Caitlin laughed and patted his cheek. John immediately felt comfort. "You don't change at all do you?"

He shook his head as he watched the pigeons gather around a piece of bread that was thrown to them. "Not much. Call it one of my many idiosyncrasies. But you always accepted it."

"Yes I did," Caitlin replied watching the birds as well. She turned her gazed back to the man who had been her fiancé and soulmate. "Sometimes to a fault. But you know, John, change can be a good thing. It can be therapeutic."

John snorted. "Not really."

"Yes really. You don't even dream differently. It's always here. Always."


"But you said this was real."

Caitlin rubbed her arm the way she used to when she was at a loss for words. It was one of the things he found endearing. "Ah...very good. But you know what I mean. All of this is wonderful. It gives me a chance to stretch my legs when you bring me here which has not been often as of late."

John choose ignored the last remark and only replied, "I hear the ‘but' coming from a mile away."

"But," she started with a slight smile, "don't you think it's time to finally put this place to rest? We'll always have it and it will always be ours but it's not where we are anymore. It's not where we belong."

"I try to but...I can't," he admitted.  "Caitlin I...I can't forget you and what happened. What I let happen."

Caitlin crawled into the nook of his arm and closed her eyes. "This feels good." She paused for a moment to soak in his familiar scent of ivory soap and aftershave. "I'm not asking you to forget me. I hope you'll always have a little piece of your heart tucked away for me. But I don't live in your reality anymore."

Jon stroked her hair absentmindedly. "Yeah, and that's my fault. You should be here with the living, planning out your own future with children and carpools and your career if that's what you wanted.'

Caitlin turned out of his embrace to look him in the face. "John you didn't kill me. Haver did that. But you got him. You stopped him from harming anyone else."

"After more innocent people died at his hands," John countered.

"That's not your fault. You aren't God. You didn't know."  John turn his face from Caitlin, but her gentle hands moved them back to meet his guilty eyes. "Look, John, I'm at peace now. Where I'm at, it's so good and so beautiful. I always knew that believing in God was a big risk. It could've all turned out to be a lie but I did and when I was put to rest, I could understand everything. It was all so clear to me. I wasn't angry. I was happy."

"Happy?" he repeated skeptically. He didn't buy it. "To be away from your family and friends and your life?"

Caitlin sighed knowing that he would never understand it until it happened to him. "I miss my family terribly. You have no idea how much. But where I'm at is so peaceful. How could I regret being there? I only regret leaving you feeling a burden that is not yours to carry."

"But you were murdered because of me; because of something that had nothing to do with you."

"John, when it's your time it's your time. Haver got my body but he never had my soul. That belonged to something greater than he could ever imagine. I'm here aren't I? I'm with you, talking to you, and I'm not angry so why should you be?"

Gently taking her head into his hands he kissed her softly on the lips. "I loved you, you know. I did. I didn't always show it or say it, but I did." John needed her to believe that because he felt like it was all starting to slip away little by little. 

"I know. And I you. We had some great moments together. Our vacations in Atlantic City, "Caitlin smiled cheerfully at the memories.

"I remember those. Our cheesesteak eating contests." John laughed at the memory of tiny Caitlin swallowing half of the steak in one bite. "I always wondered how someone so little could pack all of that in and stay tiny."

"A good metabolism and a lot of extracurricular activities," Caitlin replied with a hint of blush at her cheeks.

"Just doing my job." John fingered the stitching of the blanket remembering how many times they had made love on it, planned futures on it. "You always knew me better than anyone else. I never had to put up a front with you. You just took me for who I was."

Caitlin nodded in agreement. "It wasn't always easy, but I could do it because I loved you. Love, it changes everything. The things you thought you could never handle become nothing more than simple tasks when you love someone. Minor footnotes in the end. For me, I always knew that I was safe with you. I knew you were always going to protect me to the best of your abilities."

"And look where that got you," John said bitterly. "Dead. I didn't live up to my promise. I let you down."

"No you didn't. On the contrary. John," she paused, as if she were gathering courage, "I think it's time for me to let you in on a little secret."

"Oh yeah, what's that?" he asked when he finally could look her in the eyes again. 

"There are things that are bigger than us. Some people call it fate, other's the master plan. Really it's all just your destiny. It's set in motion. And there are people who you interact with on the way to fulfill your destiny who are catalysts of some sort. They kind of get the ball rolling for the big events that happen in your life. You following me so far?"

"Yeah, I think so."

"Okay. Well, here's the thing: sometimes the people who you think are supposed to be in your life for the ride aren't really supposed to. And that's how it was for me and you."

"I think you've just lost me," he said.

"Simply put," she continued, "my destiny was never supposed to be with you. I was here to fulfill your destiny. To jump start your main event. See, while you were here to be the love of my life, to give me happiness, I was not here to be the love of yours."

"That's bull," John protested, "I was in love with you Caitlin and you know it."

She expected the reaction. It was how she felt in the beginning, when she didn‘t understand any of what was going on. "Listen, listen. Calm down. It's not something that sounds good, I know, but it is what it is. My job was to give you the tools to learn how to love and how to be a part of a whole-an entity that is both part of you and outside of yourself. I was the preparation, the appetizer if you will. I was never supposed to be the main course. I wasn't meant to go on John. It was never going to happen that way whether you were in the picture or it was someone else. There's a reason why Haver was the one that did it and not someone else. He led you to Llanview."

John rolled his eyes and snorted. "Oh, so God deemed you unimportant to go on and me important enough to stay. Is that supposed to be some sort of joke? This is me not laughing."

Caitlin rolled her eyes at his stubbornness. "Such the cynic you are. Evangeline is going to have it tough."

John became uncomfortable at the sound of Caitlin‘s voice saying Evangeline's name. He tried to focus on the trees rather than look her way. "I...I, uh, I didn't think you'd know about her. We...I, never talked about her."

"To spare my feelings I'm sure. But that's okay. When you first came here you and I would make love and it was like nothing ever changed, but then when she came into the picture, it just stopped. We just talked. You never did that before, not even with Natalie. When you guys were together for that brief period you could talk to me about her so I knew there was no threat there. I could hold on to you for a little longer. But Evangeline...I waited for you to say something about her. I didn't know if you didn't know that I already knew or what but you never did. That's when I knew this was serious. But she's beautiful and strong and kind and wonderful. I'm not jealous of her. I've been loved by you without all the drama you're caught up in now and that was great." She chuckled and added, "She's got a lot on her plate."

"Love? Who said anything about love?" asked John, still on the "love" comment Caitlin made.

"Even in your dreams you're stubborn aren't you? But you love her. You know you do. She's the one John. She's the love of your life."

"How do you know that? I don't even know. I don't even know if it's like that."

"Of course you do. Think about the master plan. Haver murders me, hides in Llanview. Not an inconsequential town, but one that you would never think about going to on your own. You follow the scent and it leads you from AC back to where you started and you have a connection between Walker Lawrence and Todd Manning who lives in Llanview as well. Todd Manning gets caught up in the Mitch Lawrence business as he takes the face of the brother of the man who, unbeknownst to him, has fathered at least one of his nieces. And as you settle into Llanview and the mystery of the Music Box Killer unfolds, you meet up with Natalie Vega who is married to Cristian who gets killed in the middle of all the mess, supposedly, and you feel guilty about having used Natalie to catch the killer. Now, her new husband of barely a minute is dead and you feel responsible. Suddenly it's like what happened to me all over again except this time the red head doesn't get her man, but she gets to live. You try at a go for it, but it doesn't work. In the mean time you get arrested for murdering Haver and who does Natalie call to defend you? Miss Evangeline Williamson, brilliant attorney- at-law."

"So let me get this straight," John started, "You're saying that your murder by Haver caused me to come Llanview where he was so I could meet up with Natalie who was destined to bring Evangeline into my life because we're soulmates? Okay. Are you getting good air up there because it sounds a little crazy and manipulative to me," John said still disgusted at what he was hearing. If this was all some big cosmic hoo-ha that was planned out, then he wanted to have a conversation with the person in charge of putting him and the people he cared about through so much pain. 

"Not manipulative," Caitlin answered back. "Just your fate my friend. I mean, it wasn't too long after that you and Evangeline hit if off was it not? Admit it, you were interested in her the moment she stepped into that cell maybe even attracted to her the first time you met her months before when she was working for Kevin Buchanan."

John looked horrified partly because it was true and the other part because Caitlin had tapped in on it. "I was being accused of murder! Who had the time to check anyone out?"

"Whatever the case, you both were interested. And even my sister played a part."

"Katherine," he said again with bitter resentment. "Another person I couldn't save."

"Oh, Katie was far gone before you got there John. She took my death quite hard. I knew it would be tough on her. We were the best of friends." She paused for a moment, willing her self to continue. She had no idea how hard this would be even after knowing what she had to do all this time. "Look, I loved my sister but she made some bad choices in the end and it didn't end too well for her. That wasn't your fault either. She was responsible for herself. But if she hadn't been murdered in Miss Williamson's office, then you and Evangeline would not have ended up working together to help her client's fiancée and you would have never had that night."

John took a moment to take it all in. It all seemed so surreal. So natural to be talking about Evangeline with Caitlin when it should have seemed strange. To be sitting here in their special place talking about another woman. Talking about the people who died as if they were just discussing the newest Denzel Washington movie. It somehow seemed so wrong, but what she said made sense in an Outer Limits sort of way. 

John could say nothing.

"Hey, I don't blame you for falling for her. She's quite a catch. Not your type and certainly not who I would have picked out for you at first glance but when I saw closer, I realized that she was just what you needed. Certainly has the patience to put up with you. Well, until recently. In any case, I knew that she was the right woman for you. And that's what you needed. Not some silly girl who didn't have the patience or the maturity to let things be the way they were supposed to be. You didn't need someone who needed your protection. That's what started all of this mess in the first place. You needed someone who could take care of herself to the point that when she did call on you, you could see how much she really loves you, trusts you. How much pride she's sacrificed to give her heart away to someone."

"It just feels weird talking to you about this," he said looking into her eyes for some sign of discomfort only to find nothing but...understanding, maybe?

Caitlin laughed. "Hey, with your penchant to get it on in public places, I don't see how simply talking about love with someone you loved can be weird at all."

John winced. "Ahh...tell me you don't see any of that."

Caitlin laughed again. "John, I'm a part of you. I see it all. Think of me as one of your protectors who watches to make sure you're okay. That's my job. And I'm not saying it was easy seeing you be passionate with another woman. Especially knowing it was never like that for us. But I think I'm okay with us never being caught in a stranger's basement," she laughed.

John smiled for a moment then grew serious once more. Pushing a hand through his hair, he sighed. "I've really made a mess of things haven't I?

Caitlin shrugged. "You're a man-it's what you men do. Luckily for you, though, all is not lost. You just need to be honest with Evangeline and tell her how you really feel. Not how you think you should feel. I think she would understand once you tell her."

"Tell her what?" John asked.

"That you're afraid to love her because once you do you'll go crazy if you ever lose her, " Caitlin replied. 

"Perception is overrated."

Caitlin smiled slyly, knowing she had him by the britches. "Hmm...I find it to be quite useful in my line of work these days."

She brushed a strand of windblown hair away from his face. "C'mon John. I know you. I know how you think. And you can't admit it, but you're afraid to let her all the way in because it means that you'll never want to keep her out once you do. She's not asking you to change for her. She wants you to change for you. I said earlier that I could accept you as you are, but that's not always right. That's not always love. Love is seeing all the potential there is in someone and wanting them to reach it. She sees you struggling. She wants to help you help yourself. That's love. She won't let you settle for being tortured by inner demons when she knows you can be free. Even if it's not with her. She's willing to let you go so you can let go. How many people in your life, me included, did that for you? We all just sat back and said, ‘Well, this is who he is. He doesn't have to say or do anything, his actions are enough.' We let you seep further and further into this dark abyss thinking it was best to ignore it than to upset you with the truth. But since I'm being honest, while I knew that you loved me as much as you could, a part of me knew that you could not give me all of you for whatever reason. But I would rather have had a piece of you than not have you at all so I chose to see the things I wanted to see. I settled for some of you. This woman is not like that. She's not capable of being dishonest with you or herself. She's not going to settle for pieces because she understands that she's worth having the whole."

John sighed. The truth was finally starting to sink in and he was at a crossroad for sure. "She's full of life. I know she loves me, I see it in her eyes. She makes me happy. She makes me think about other things besides work and everything that's wrong in my life."

"Like what?" Caitlin asked. She closed her eyes tilted her head towards the sun to get the full warmth.

"Like that I could have a future filled with good times. Homemade meals every month." He laughed at Caitlin's confused expression. "She's not into cooking the way you were but she's a damn good coo. I see  th children, companionship, love to last a lifetim. Simple things.  Waking up to something good and honest and knowing that she's yours for life. She was really the first person I opened up in depth about what happened with my dad and you. She didn't try to judge me or pacify my ego, she just listened and reminded me of the truth. She's beautiful and self-confident. I've never really been with someone so sure of herself before. She knows what she has and yet there is the side to her that is completely vulnerable, undiscovered by anyone, even herself." 

He stopped and caught what he just said and looked at her apologetically. "I'm sorry. I wasn't thinking...I didn't mean-"

Caitlin put a hand up and laughed. "You didn't have to say. I already know you were thinking it. And I'm not offended. I'm here to listen. You're right. You've always been attracted to those who were openly vulnerable, the type of woman who depended on a man to make her happy or to protect her. I wasn't as bad as Natalie, but I was certainly not anywhere near Evangeline. But doesn't that make you feel good? Knowing that Evangeline doesn't need you because she has to, but because she wants to?"

"Of course," he said immediately. "It blows my mind that she trusts me like that enough to let me take care of her when she needs it. Even when her independence can be a pain in the ass and she puts herself in dangerous situations."

"Now it's my turn to feel the ‘but' coming," Caitlin said.

"But," John started, "just as easily as it can all be given to me, it can just as quickly be taken away. And I can't lose another person in my life. I won't put another person's life at risk to satisfy my own happiness. I can't go through it again. "

"You will lose her John and yourself if you don't straighten this out. Evangeline belongs to no one but you. And you don't belong to anyone but her." 

Caitlin opened her eyes and took a deep breath. She stretched an arm out towards the open air and said, "I want you to look at something."

Caitlin pointed towards the center of the park. A family of five (six if the dog was included in the mix) sat in the middle on a blanket. Two children were running around their parents in a circle laughing and yelling the way only children who have never known a moment's tragedy can. And in the middle of the commotion sat a woman holding a baby in her arms, her back resting into the chest of a man that was probably her husband. John saw how peaceful they looked and blinked back a few tears. It was something he told himself repeatedly he could never have.

"Beautiful, isn't it?" Caitlin asked softly. "Look a little closer."

The detective squinted against the sun and the family finally came into focus. Her hair was much longer then, but it was Evangeline. She looked so beautiful.  She seemed happy. The man must have said something funny because she laughed and turned around to kiss him. As the beautiful little girls exclaimed their outrage at their parents' public display, John realized that the man was him. Those were his children. Evangeline and his. 

Caitlin smiled. Her work was almost done. "You're a man who always has to be in the know John. Don't you want to know what happens next? Being scared never overpowered your curiosity before. Why start now?"

John finally turned his attention to Caitlin. He didn't understand any of it and he didn‘t understand what she was doing. "Why are you showing me all this Caitlin? This can't be easy for you."

Caitlin, never taking her eyes off of the scene, said, "Your happiness makes it easy for me. I love you and I will never stop loving you. I want you to have the best life possible even if it's not with me. I accepted that a long time ago when I knew what I had to do. And these past few months you've looked happy John. When you look at her or when you simply touch her. Or the nights where you reach out for her and she's not there. That's the part no one sees. When even in your heated moments, you can't stand but an inch away from her. You thirst for her. Did you ever feel that way about anyone? Me, Natalie?"

The deafening salience coming from John was all the answer they both needed and Caitlin shook her head. "No, because there is love and then there is earth shattering, hard core, I-can't-stop-thinking-about-this-person kind of love. Love that doesn't involve guilt or obsessive needs to fulfill someone else's happiness without fulfilling your own. And this is your opportunity to cash in on the biggest mystery of your life. Walk away from it now and you'll be walking away from living. You will have chosen death."

She saw that John was going to protest and she shook her head. "No, I know what you're going to say but don't, okay? I'm not mad, I'm not angry. I'm okay with it now. We would have never had what you could have with her. But understand, this is not about me and you or just me anymore. This is all about you and her. That right there," she pointed to his family again, "is everything that you know you really want but don't feel you deserve to have. Of course, it's slightly distorted. There will be bumps along your way as it is with anything but time after time the results will almost always be like that. Are you really ready to walk away from something so right and real? It's so close,  right at your fingertips, you just have to grab it."

There was a long silence as they both looked at future John stroking Evangeline‘s hair while looking at his baby boy. He looked proud, happy, and satisfied. Like he had found home and peace all in that circle. 

"What happens if I don‘t?" he finally asked.

Caitlin tilted her head and shrugged. "Ah, you see, that's not something I can show you. I'm only allowed to pick one. You've seen enough horror in your life to last a century. You didn't need to see the ugly. You know what it looks like and you'll recognize if it comes to that."

"I don't know if I can do it. I don't know if I'm strong enough," John admitted hoarsely.

Caitlin grabbed his hand and squeezed it tightly. "You can and you are. It's time to let go. Keep the memories that were good and move on. You need to love that woman the way I know you can. With all of you heart. If you just let it happen and stop trying to control your feelings, you'll find that most of your problems will disappear. Because it's not something you're supposed to control. This is the one emotion where you can just feel it and throw caution to the wind."

John brought Caitlin to his embrace, afraid to let go. As she retreated, she smiled the sweetest smile. The one that had always made him melt every time he saw it. As his breath caught on the wind his nostrils were filled with familiar scent. Like fresh flowers...in the springtime. And that's when he knew. 

He choked back the tears and took her in. All of her. From her delicate hands to her small frame. Her creamy complexion so different than that of Evangeline's. Caitlin looked fragile. Not weak, but fragile. Her freckles made her seem younger her 27 years. And Evangeline. Well, loving and tasting her was like devouring the finest chocolate: rich, smooth, sensual, beautiful and powerful. They were so different. He couldn't ever remember having an argument with Caitlin about anything. She was so agreeable and when she wanted something done, she had been subtle about getting John to come around to her view. He wouldn't realize until later that he had been coaxed. Caitlin let him believe he was in control of everything. But Evangeline, he argued with her all the time and he loved it. And the more she butted against him the more he needed her. She wasn't afraid to call him on his mess. She wasn't worried that he would walk away. She could need him but she could also leave him. And that's what he admired most about her. Her strength. 

Caitlin watched him work through the emotions and knew that her job was done. She could finally be at peace. Her Johnny Mac would be okay. It had been painful to watch him fall for a woman harder than he had ever fallen. But everyone had a duty and she had to finish hers. She just had no idea that it would hurt her so much to see him take the fall over someone else. She could feel that he was already letting go even as he held on for one last round to fight his feelings. She could feel herself slipping away. It was time. 

"I'm not going to see you again am I?" John asked already knowing the answer.

Caitlin kissed him softly on the cheek and wiped his tears away. "I'll always be in your heart. And I'll always be watching over you." 

"You have to know that I love you Caitlin. I always-" he tried to finish but his voice would not obey his mind. 

"Shh," she whispered softly. "I already know. And for what it's worth, let's just leave it at that. It's not about the past anymore. The time is now. Grasp it with all your strength John because once it's gone you can't get it back. But I need you to do me one favor."

"Anything," he answered.

"I'm going to get up and I don't want you to say anything to me. I just want you to stand there and...let me walk away.  And to remember that more than anyone else God loves you. You are worthy. That is why you were created. Can you do that?

John touched her hair, then her face until he traced her form with his fingertip. He felt her life force slowly leaving his mind and settling into what would be a very special part of his heart. He nodded silently as promised.

They rose off of the blanket.  She laughed because it was all she could do and hugged him tightly once more before walking away. Out of the park and out of John's existence. John watched as she walked by the spot where he and Evangeline still sat with their children laughing and playing. Caitlin stopped for a moment to look at them. She turned back one last time and yelled, "It's only real if you want it to be."

As she disappeared into the crowd, so did he, Evangeline, and the children. The detective who was known for his stoicism, sat down on the blanket and cried. The years of bottling all his frustrations, disappointments, love, loss, anguish, hope and fear had come pouring out of him like liquid on glass. He could finally see what he needed to do and who he needed to do it with. "Van, I need you," he whispered.

"Then come and get me," an echo of Evangeline's voice whispered back. 

John McBain awoke in the dark. Alone. He was still frightened, but it was all right. 

I'm frightened by the love 
That's in you
But it's alright
And I'm
I'm frightened by the love
That's in me
But I know it's alright
It's alright

 

 






Chapter End Notes:

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