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December, 2004.

What they never discussed, in all the great books and movies about affairs or adultery, were the time constraints. It always ended up with the two protagonists deciding to hook up and then the movie would cut to where it seemed the two were locked in a room, having nonstop gratuitous sex. Those people didn’t have jobs, it seemed. Or they did, but it usually amounted to sitting in an office room, in a suit and tie, and not really doing much else. Books weren't much better, many failing to discuss how exhausting it could be carrying on an affair. Andrew wasn't sure whether to believe stories of men who managed to juggle multiple mistresses, have one night stands and still keep everything contained in a cloak of secrecy, all the while acting as if they were the poster child of virtue in front of their unsuspecting wives. Nonetheless, those men, his father in the bunch, made him feel both awe and loathe struck.

He had never entertained the possibility that Benjamin had been right when he had told Andrew that Dana didn’t want a boyfriend. What reason could a person want a no strings attached deal for an indefinite amount of time and not expect something more? It was normally done as something to fill in the time until someone better came along.

But that was the key word: Time. Dana was always so busy. She was taking extra courses at college so that she could finish her JD at the end of the spring. The college education system in the US confused the hell out of Andrew. In Australia he remembered school progressed in line with the year. But he had left when he was sixteen. Dana was still at school, studying, attending her classes at night so that her days were free for work. She was a personal assistant at Steinhoff Talent Agency, three days a week. She taught elementary ballet and ballet aerobics on Saturdays. And then went to the library to study before going out with friends during the night. Although Andrew was still heavily in demand as a photographer, he felt like a drifter next to her. He had never lived a life according to diaries and schedules, it was one thing he had strived for his whole life, to make his hours his own. That to him was freedom.

Dana was the opposite. She had told him if she wasn’t busy, she felt aimless and began to feel panicky.

Yet despite time restraints and conflicting schedules, they managed to see each other once a week, sometimes more if he visited her during the week. Sunday however was normally their allocated day together.  The one day of rest for her. It felt like a kind of honeymoon, as they had sex continuously, barely stopping from one act to the next, sometimes frenzied and sometimes slow and languid. Even when he was spent, Dana would urge his hands and mouth onwards. By afternoon they would stop to eat, sharing the same plate, Dana sitting on his lap, neither willing to separate a moment longer than necessary. Afterwards they were at it again, having sex in different parts of the apartment before making it to the bed and falling asleep together exhausted, arms and legs tangled. He would set the alarm on his phone. When he woke up, he would leave her sleeping, not wanting to disturb her.

And of course he compared them. It was evil to do that but he couldn’t help it, the first few times he had recoiled when it happened. It was vulgar and disrespectful even though he did not compare to say which one was better, but rather just noted the differences. Ingrid was far curvier, with soft pads of fat around her hips. Dana’s body was intimidatingly perfect, smooth skin stretched taut over long limbs.

Yet it was Ingrid who seemed far more comfortable with her body, which added to her sensuality. Dana was skittish, like a nervous colt. They had been together  and even though she was nymph-like around him, she was also strangely shy, a sharp contrast to her unquenchable sexual appetite . She would bite her lip or cover her mouth with her hand, attempting to stifle any sounds of pleasure. When she came, she held her breath trying to quell the feeling and buried her face into his neck.  There was no oral sex, not for her anyway. The rule remained that she could give and not receive. This was the first woman Andrew had been with who had this stance, and it puzzled him. Yet he accepted the rules as he could tell the topic bothered her and so he never pushed the subject. The few times he did, she shut down, becoming tight lipped.

That was another disturbing aspect of their relationship which had taken him some time to figure out.

They never argued.

He knew the reason why they didn’t but it still puzzled him nonetheless. The reason they never argued was because Dana never demanded anything of him.  This wasn’t the first time Andrew had had an affair, the only difference was that he had been on the opposite end of that scenario. He had been the single guy and the woman had been Ellen, who had been married to her surgeon husband Danny.

Looking back on their relationship, all he could remember was the wild bouts of jealousy and despair he had suffered. He had reduced himself to a mass of anxiety as he fought and begged for more time, for her to leave her husband.  He had felt violent and out of control and suicidal. He wondered why Dana didn’t feel the same way. If she did, she did an extremely good job of keeping those feelings to herself. He had expected her early on to ask if they could spend a night or a weekend away but she never did. She asked for nothing.

There were so many instances Andrew had cancelled or had forgotten a planned time to meet up and Dana had never once gotten exasperated or angry or even disappointed. He had not seen her cry; the closest she had done was tear up when she had been telling him about her grandmother.  It was a strange contrast in comparison to Ingrid who cried at least twice a week.

Even when he was in one of his grumpy moods, prone to snapping and sarcasm, Dana never reacted. She remained the same, patient and soothing. She was infinitely forgiving of him. As if to her he mattered more than anything. Or didn’t matter at all.

Each time he was with her, inside her, the moral dilemma he had faced dimmed down less and less. Man, it seemed, could accustom himself to anything.

Andrew had expected them to get bored of their routine quickly, at least after a year but the longer time passed the more dependent he became. And the guilt remained. And it was not for himself but for Dana. He wanted to tell her that she should find someone better, someone who could love her freely. But he never did, in fear she would one day take up that offer.

He was thinking of seeing Dana as he lay on the doctor’s examining table.  His penis had been doused in some cold chemical which smelt strongly of vinegar.  A UV light had been turned on as the doctor had examined his penis for warts or moles.

“You seem all clear” The woman switched the light back on. “You really should wear a condom, you know, instead of coming down here every three months.”

“Ah, but then I wouldn’t get a chance to see you” Andrew joked, slightly flirting, a good way to deflect the question. He knew that he should wear condoms more often. And he did with Dana, at least half the time anyway. The truth was he didn’t like condoms, and how they mad sex seem cold and clinical. It took away the heat of the moment. There was nothing better than the contact of skin to skin.

“Even so” Her voice was stern. “It takes one time. Just one time for you to get AIDS or something just as bad. Don’t risk it.”

“I won’t, I do wear protection” Andrew told her. “But isn’t there stuff you can still catch regardless?”

“That’s true” The doctor conceded. “Okay, so now we’re going to test for the other diseases. Ready? This might hurt a little” In her  gloved hand she held a scalpel and a small sharp hook.

Andrew could feel dread creeping in at the sight. Even though he had done this before, he asked “Do we have to use the hook?”

The doctor smiled at him and it was all the proof Andrew needed that doctors truly were sadists. “Well there has to be some pain for the men, don’t you think? It wouldn’t be fair otherwise.”

She pried open the eye of his penis and sank the hook in.

After she was finished, Andrew left. His groin stinging as he swore to himself he would always wear condoms from now on. He knew he wouldn’t. Not only because he preferred sex without them but also because Dana had made him promise they would both get regular tests regardless. Besides coming back and going through the routine felt like self-inflicted but deserving punishment. A throbbing penis was small penance for his transgressions.

* * *

“So”  Yvette was lying back on Dana’s lazy boy recliner, sunglasses on, her voice low from her hang over.  “What are you planning for this year? Twenty six and all, you must have some plans.”

“To be honest, I’m kinda over it. Celebrating birthdays, I mean. I feel like I’m getting too old or something” Dana tore a piece of the cotton candy from the bag, slipping it into her mouth, the spun sugar dissolving over her tongue almost instantly. She shrugged. She held the bag out to Yvette, who reached in and grabbed a large fistful.

“Ah, welcome to the big brutal world of adults. You start dreading your birthdays, instead of looking forward to them” Yvette smiled. She shook her head at the proffered bag, looking disgusted. “How can you eat the crap you eat and not get fat? I already feel sick. Who buys a giant bag of cotton candy?”

“I didn’t buy it. It was a gift” Dana stretched her legs, lying down flat on the sofa.

“Oh, really?” Yvette perked up, suddenly looking interested, “Who from?”

“It was just a friend, trust me, it isn’t what you thinking’.”

“Uh-huh, and is this friend a heterosexual male? Because I still want to hear all about it.”

“It’s no big deal” Dana could feel herself getting defensive. She sat up, stretching and trying to behave as nonchalantly as she could. “It’s Andrew if you must know.”

“Andrew?” Yvette’s voice became sharp, “The Australian? The guy who’s engaged? The one you told me about? You’re seeing him?”

“Jesus. No. I mean, yes it is him but not like that” Dana said curtly, standing up.  She began to walk around the room, absent mindedly tidying up. Anything to avoid eye contact. She was never a good liar. “I’m not seeing him, we just…we talk on email mostly. And we’ve been out to lunch a few times.”

 “So any reason he sent this?” Yvette picked up the bag and turned it over in her hands, as if reading the label would display clues of some sort.

“We were talking about our childhood and I told him about Coney Island and Astroland and…well, here. You can read the note yourself” She took the folded piece of paper from her pocket and handed it over.

He had sent her the gift a few days after a lunch date. They had been at Washington Square Park, the conversation topic on childhood memories. Dana had told him about their beach house on Coney Island and how they would go to Astroland every year and her favorite part had been buying the giant cloud of cotton candy. Her father would joke that the cotton candy was bigger than her head, teasing her that she couldn’t possibly eat it. And she, giddy with amusement from her father’s teasing and also determined to prove him wrong, would consume the entire thing in fifteen minutes. Later on though, without fail, she would throw up after going on the rides. And yet she did it every year until she was twelve years old and was convinced that everything she had previously enjoyed was no longer cool. It had been a ritual between her and her Dad and a part of her missed it, missed the easy teasing and camaraderie they shared. It wasn’t really her favorite memory but it was funny and it made Andrew laugh, just as she hoped it would.

Yvette read the note aloud, “I was never good at maths but I am fairly certain this is bigger than your head. Enjoy.”  She placed the note back on the coffee table, “That’s very cute. If I didn’t know better I would swear he was courting you.”

“He isn’t!” Dana snapped, suddenly angry. “You always do this! Not every guy wants to get into my pants!”

Her anger was stemming from fear. If Yvette knew, if anyone knew about this, they would hate her. Her image of being sweet and kind and good would forever be tarnished.

“He sends you gifts, Dana.”

“We send each other stuff back and forth all the time, they aren’t gifts!”

 “But you just said it was a gift two seconds ago!” Yvette exclaimed triumphantly. “And if it isn’t a big deal, why not say anything right away?”

“Yeah, but...it’s not like you think, okay?” Dana could feel her cheeks begin to turn red. “And I didn’t say anything, because you’ll make a big deal of it, the way you are now.”

“But you like him” Yvette replied, her voice matter of fact. She settled back in the arm chair, crossing one leg over the other.

“So what if I do? I’m not deeply in love with him or anything ridiculous like that, it’s just an old crush. You know, the way you never get over that one guy in high school? He’s that for me. I can be friends with him.” Dana’s face was hot with shame.

“Why? He isn’t even a good looking guy. There were plenty of better looking men who were dying for your attention on Friday night and you just ignored them.”

“So what? I don’t want a boyfriend right now. I am very happy with how my life is at the moment. Why is being single seen as a crime?” Dana could feel herself getting on edge. Her friends, her family, everyone harassed her about her love life. It was as if her own identity meant nothing without a man by her side. It made her feel so worthless.

“Nothing, nothing is wrong with that. Come on, you know I don’t mean it like that” Yvette said soothingly, trying to placate her. “I’m saying why him? Of all people? Like I said, he isn’t a catch.”

“Because I can’t conveniently choose who I like. Besides he is gorgeous, how can you think he is ugly? He has always gotten any woman he wanted. And yes, he isn’t typical metrosexual, like those men from the Mills and Boons novels you enjoy reading so much, but that’s what I like about him.”

“Ha-ha-ha. You busted me with that book once, you can’t use that against me” Yvette threw a pillow at Dana’s head.  

“Oh, but it’s true” Dana was teasing her now, glad the subject was diverted. “We can’t all dream of Fabio.”

“You asshole” Yvette said. There was no anger in her tone though. “At least Fabio is rich. Your Andrew dresses like he is homeless and he has a receding hair line. The guy is balding. And…” Yvette paused, searching for more insults. “He looks like he has smelly socks, don’t you think?”

“What?” Dana laughed, looking at her shocked. “Smelly socks? What is wrong with you?”

“I’m just saying, he looks like his feet stinks. Do they?”

Dana was about to respond that they didn’t but then stopped herself, replying. “I wouldn’t know what his feet smell like.”

“Wouldn’t you?” Yvette asked. An awkward pause entered and before Dana was about to ask what Yvette had mean, she began to talk again.

 “But what if he did like you? Would you ask him to break up with his fiancé?”

Dana shot her a look, “I wouldn’t ask him anything, Yvette. Let’s not talk about this anymore.”

“I am just saying” Yvette insisted. “Hypothetically, of course. If he came up to you and said he was interested, would you respond?”

“Yes” Dana replied bluntly.

“Really?” Yvette’s eyes widened. “Even if it meant that he would have to dump his fiancé?”

“Who said anything about him breaking up with his fiancé?” Dana replied. She laughed upon the shock on Yvette’s face. “What? You’re the one asking and then you look all surprised.”

“You’re seeing him” Yvette’s voice was blunt. Dana looked at her, surprised by her tone of voice.

“Excuse me?”

“You are involved with him somehow. Aren’t you?”

It was times like this she hated that Yvette was her best friend; she always felt a need to confess everything. She could not keep secrets from her, even though she knew it meant being berated most of the time. She knew confessing would lead to them fighting, not only because Yvette would not approve of what she was doing but because she would feel tricked by Dana having keep it secret as long as she had.

“If I was, I obviously wouldn’t say. Because it would be his secret and not just mine.”

“Oh, how very diplomatic of you Dana, how tactful. You should be considering a career in politics, you know. You could be a great advisor to the Monica Lewinskys of the world.”

“Watch how you talk to me, I am not your little sister” Dana snapped. Now suddenly, she was eager to fight. “I don’t have to tell you everything, Yvette. I don’t need you to give me permission or absolve me, somehow. I’m an adult and I know what I am doing.”

“Why they hell would I absolve you? If you are having an affair with a man who is in another relationship, I’d tell you how stupid you are. I wouldn’t give you permission.”

“And I don’t need you to. God, who do you think you are? You are so nosy! Why don’t you just learn your place and mind your own damn business!” Dana shouted. She instantly regretted the words as soon as they left her mouth, her regret increasing tenfold upon the look of hurt on Yvette’s face.

“Learn my place, huh?” Yvette looked at her incredulous. “Is that how it is?”

“No, I didn’t mean-” Dana began to apologize but she was interrupted.

“How could you do this to yourself? Especially after your Dad did that to your Mom. Do you really have that little self-respect?”

“Get out” Dana said her voice now cold. The mention of her parents was like a knife to her chest. How dare Yvette use that against her?

“Oh, believe me, I’m gone” Yvette grabbed her handbag and shoes, turning to leave. “Good luck to you.”

Dana listened to the door slam loudly behind her. She felt both devastated and relieved. She wished she hadn’t gotten angry, had somehow explained it to her what it was like. Yvette was right, she had no self-respect, she should be ashamed of herself but could no one understand what it was like? To be so enamoured with someone that you were completely at their mercy? To be so infatuated that you would take whatever you could. A little bit of Andrew was better than nothing at all. She was not sleeping with him because she had nothing better to do; she did so because loving him was not a choice.

She knew the right thing to have done was to never have gotten involved with him, to just let him go. But the right thing to do was also intensely difficult.  Dana was not ready to let go of someone who held so much significance to her.

Dana wasn’t sure how long she sat there frozen, too stunned to cry, until her cell phone beeped from the coffee table. Walking over on shaky legs she picked it up to see a message from Andrew, asking if she was free. Yes, she replied. She had taken a day off from her ballet teaching, having been too tired and hung over from the night before. Dana had been planning to hang out with Yvette till lunch and then spend the rest of the day studying. She was glad he had contacted her, because she would have never been brave enough to ask him. She could never let him know just how much she needed him, to become so vulnerable was not only dangerous for her but it would be off putting for him and it would kill them before their time.

The phone beeped again and she checked her phone again. See you around 1, it read. Dana glanced at the clock which announced it was eleven thirty am.

She headed off to the bathroom, to clean herself up and get ready. For him.

 












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Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.