More Than You Will Never Know


Dear April,

It's really funny. I never thought that I'd be on the receiving end of this phenomena. It's something we've talked about quite frequently. The phenomena of fame and celebrity. I lived it while you watched it, so we had well-rounded opinions about it, but as you said, I would never truly understand. I'd never understand what it was like to want something so bad that was so unreachable.

Then I met you. Now I understand.

I never thought I'd be the one writing a fan letter to a star, hoping that with that one stroke of luck, among those boundless letters a star gets, that mine will win the prize and be read, cherished, and reciprocated.

I never thought that I'd be hoping my wish upon a star would be the one to come true.

Over the years, I've received millions and millions of fan letters across the world over and always wished I had time to look through the letters. As you know, there was no time. For anything. Life was moving way too fast. Now that I have settled and the circus that was once my life is over, I thought I'd want to look through the letters.

But all they do is bring tears to my eyes for they remind me of those magical glory days They didn't feel real then and they don't feel real now. Had it all happened? Even as I had lived it, I'd wondered if I was still alive. If this was all a dream…

Then you came in and made things feel real again. It's been a couple of years since we talked. I saw you on TV. How are you doing over on your side? It's so funny. How things turned out.

I am now the watcher while you live out your dream…

It is interesting watching you from afar. I mean, I always did. We were never allowed to be close too often. And even when we had a chance, you were hard pressed to allow it. But when you did, I was always in an indescribable form of heaven that no one else could ever make me feel.

As I watched you now on the TV, on the outside looking in, I can't help but think of how, quite honestly, I hate you so much.

I hate everything you stand for. I hate the fact that when you smile, your eyes crinkle at the corners. I hate your smile even more for the fact that seeing it is as rare an occurrence as seeing a Halleys comet. I remember there was a time when it was so hard to get you to smile. It was just a matter of saying the right thing at the right time, and being at the right place at the right time.

Then when I finally figured out what made you smile, I tried to do it all the time because your smiled gave me so much life and happiness. Even rivaling all the joy fame and fortune had brought me.

And you know why I hate you for all this? Because I love you. I loved you very much. I love you still, to the point of a madness I'm sure will fully claim me one day, if it hasn't already. And I am pretty sure I will always love you in some way. Even years from now, when I have finally found 'the one' and I am sitting in my rocking chair surrounded by my grandchildren, I am sure you will still cross my mind and I will still have a little bit of love for you left. That is why I hate you. You made your mark on me and no one will ever be able to compare. You were different because you didn't smile a lot, and neither did you let me see your tears as frequently. Yet I am surrounded by constant smiles and tears. There is no mystery around me.

Everyone is willing to give so much because they want something in return. They claim that they want me. And in my twisted desire for you, I yearned for your rejection. I yearned for that mystery that follows you like a shadow. I wanted you because you didn't want me--or in your words 'pretended not to'.

Nonetheless I wanted it all from you because you were not willing to give me everything at the drop of a hat. You weren't even consciously trying to make me earn it. You were just very selective about who you let into your chamber of secrets. As someone not used to being shunned, I had to find a way to unlock you. To break you. I had to find a way into your exclusive world and that was one of my many weaknesses--wanting to be loved and accepted by all…even by what was deemed 'unnatural' or 'different'.

Through you, I learned that different isn't always good. There is a reason why, unlike me, no one surrounded you. No one gravitated towards you. There is a reason why people were repelled by you. There is a reason why, unlike me, others chose not to see the beauty in you. Instead of moving closer to this unusual light that you were, they went the other way. Because they are wiser. They knew what your oddity would bring. Too much change. And too much change breeds fear.

They knew that, just like the sun, you could wreck havoc if one got too close.

I dared to be different. I dared to go where no other man had gone. I dared to be burned without even realizing it. I am paying the price for my attempt at bravery into roads less traveled.

And here I am, a man worn by that thing called love that I once believed in so fiercely until you fell into my lap. Actually, I hate being honest about this but, it was I who pulled you into my world. I begged you to accept me when you warned me that you were trouble.

I believed I could change you because I believed so much in love then. Now I know better.

So this is my letter to you. My first fan mail. And my last message to you. Now I know what it is to be on the other side. To be a fan. Unable to reach something that seems and feels so real, but really is really just a mirage and so far away.

And before I end this, I must ask even despite the feelings of embarrassment and shame these questions bring me but...

Did you ever truly love me? Did you care? I hear the words 'I love you' over and over, constantly. Yet I had to glean those words out of you. It was like pulling teeth. But because you rarely said them, when you did say them, it was like seeing the sun for the first time.

Every.

Single.

Time.

I listened to every syllable, recorded the intonation in your voice, catalogued the look on your face whenever you said those words because they were so few and far between I would have to rely on the memory of them just to know what it was to hear those words from you. Because their rarity made me believe that they were only said when you truly meant them. So I believed in that honesty. I had to, because my world was filled with too many careless 'i love yous' for me to count or keep up with.

So I chose to keep up with yours. And that had to be one of the biggest mistakes I'd ever made in my life.

I have absorbed everything that was you and I now have become like you. Broken. Tattered. Afraid to love and afraid to live.

Numb.

You are now a part of me. Forever.

And for that...

I hate you.

I miss you.

I fucking hate you.

But I love you so much more.

More than anything else I have ever loved.

More than you will never know.

Yours always,

Ben Walker.