Paul and Miss

December 2, 7:45 p.m.

Paul

Three years ago, I wrote down three goals to accomplish. My brother and I’s business would be a success, I would own a beautiful home, and be happily married. Everything was accomplished except the last goal. For the past six months my wife Miss and I have been nothing but roommates that hook up about once a week. If that much. Lately, she hasn’t allowed me to lay a finger on a strand of her hair. Nothing I do or say seems to satisfy her. I would be lying if I said divorce hasn’t crossed my mind. I just can’t bare the thought of going through with it. I still love my wife. I still crave her. I still want her by my side. The hard truth is that she doesn’t want me. 

I gripped my car’s steering wheel thinking about how fucked up things are between us. How could this have happened? How did we go from inseparable to barely tolerating each other? Stepping out of my car, I looked at our home. I remember the day we decided to purchase it. All day Miss and I had been looking at houses. When she saw this one her eyes lit up with joy. I didn’t find anything too amazing, but Miss did. I remember her exact words.

“This is our home Paul, I can feel it.  We’re going to have so much fun here for all the days of our lives.” She kissed me before skipping inside and twirling around to face me. “Come on in so we can find the bedroom! Better yet, let’s just do it on the countertop.”

I walked inside and threw my briefcase and keys on the table. Miss was not anywhere to be seen. These days I usually made it home before she did. The smell of something good caught my attention. On the countertop was a covered dish. Underneath was a sweet and juicy peach cobbler. I chuckled. A homemade peach cobbler was about the only dish Miss could cook. Oh, and she could also whip up a mean salad.

After eating way too much cobbler I fell asleep to the sound of “Amazed” by Lonestar. Waking up I glanced at the time.  It was now 10:20 p.m. My heart skipped a beat as I sprinted upstairs to our bedroom. It was unusual for Miss to be out this late on a weekday. I dialed her number and only received her voicemail. Something wasn’t right. Before I exited the room, I glanced around and saw a note lying on our bed.  I should be saying the bed. Miss hasn’t slept in our bed in forever. She sleeps in another bedroom down the hallway. Far away from me.

The note read “Where we first began” What the hell did that mean? A headache was coming on. I grabbed my jacket and headed back to my car thinking where could she be.

Miss

The wind stirred around me as I held myself tight. I was crazy for being out this late but somehow, I felt safe in a crazy way. These days I just haven’t had much of a care for anything. Today though, something clicked inside of me. I had the strangest urge to come here of all places. It’s been such a long time since I’ve been here. When I first arrived, I took in everything. It’s like I could feel a wave building up inside of me. Then the wave came crashing and I fell to the ground crying. I missed the simple times between Paul and me.  I missed the woman I once was.

 I now sat on a bench wondering what our future holds. Wondering if we still stood a chance at having a future. I exhaled. I knew that if there was a chance for us I had to tell Paul the truth about what has been going on for these past months. What will he think of me? It was getting even later and while I know it’s not wise to be in a park this time of night, I just can’t leave yet. Not at this moment. A dark colored car was driving slowly past the park and a figure stepped out. It was 11: 15. Only crazy, lonely or creepy people visited a park at this time of night. I wondered which was this person. From the distance I could tell that the person was indeed a man. He had blonde hair and wore a dark blue jacket. His head was turned away from me, so I could not make out his facial features. This was my cue to leave. I quickly stood up and started to make my way towards my car.

Blonde hair guy was now headed in my direction. Oh, shit. I quickened my pace and he did the same.  My instinct was now telling me to run and that’s what I started doing. Only now he was running too. Why did you come to a damn park at night Miss?

My boot caught on something and I tripped. The figure was quickly catching up. Fear paralyzed me, and I could only cover my eyes and pray. The man was standing over me. I could feel the hairs on my neck standing. 

“Please don’t hurt. Take my purse.” I opened one eye and saw that he was holding his hand out.

“Why are you here Miss? Do you know how scared I’ve been looking all over town for you? Do you!” The voice belonged to my husband Paul. He helped me to my feet and we stood face to face.  I laughed at the words that had left his mouth.

“Wow! So, you’re not an emotionless robot. You are a human after all.” His face went from worried to angry.

“I don’t have time for this. I’m going back home. You can stay out here all night for all I care.” He turned away from me and began to walk away. The waves were beginning to crash again. Out of my eyes and onto my face.

“You don’t care about me Paul.” I choked out. “All you do is leave me home alone day after day and work. Work and work and work.” By this time, he turned back to me. He shook his head.

“I don’t recall you having a problem spending any of the money I bring home. While I’m at work you go to lunch with your friends, the spa and that’s it Miss. You are the one that doesn’t care about me. You treat me like I’m a stranger in my own home. In our own home Miss! Every night you sleep in the guest bedroom far from me.”

“That’s what you think I do? Stacy and Katie don’t even call me anymore. I believe they said that I’m just not the same. So, get the damn lunch dates out of your mind! And how I wish I was at the fucking spa Paul.”

“If you’re not with them and not at the spa, where are you all day Miss? Ha? Where are you!” He spat out.

“I’m at a support group for women who have suffered miscarriages Paul. My dirty secret is out. I can’t sleep in our bed because those sheets were once soaked in blood. It’s fucking embarrassing! I have nightmares about it happening over and over again.  What if it happens again? I can’t handle that again!”

Paul

I felt like scum of the earth. I tried touching Miss, but she pushed me away.

“No, don’t touch me. You shut me out. You pretended like nothing ever happened.”

 She is right. The day Miss told me she was pregnant I was elated. The day of the miscarriage I was in a meeting and received a call from my mother saying come quick. Our baby was gone. As a result, I threw myself into work and neglected my wife. I began crying at the sight of my Miss upset. How could I not see what she’s been going through?

“I am so sorry Miss. Please believe me. We, we can work through this. I know we can. I’ll take time off from work. We can go to counseling. Please baby don’t give up on us.”

She looked at me with red eyes. “How Paul? I just feel so scared. Like, I have to go through this alone. I don’t want to experience that ever again. I don’t have it in me.” She trembled from the cold.

“You’re not going through this alone Miss. I’m here. I see you. I’m listening, and I love you with everything I have in me.”

We stood there in the park holding each other. Both of us crying.

December 3   4 a.m.

Miss

Paul and I were sitting up watching nothing but each other and eating peach cobbler. Neither of us had spoken a work since coming home after the park.

“’I’m sorr...” We both were speaking at the same time.  “No, Miss please let me.” Paul said. I let him. His eyes were starting to get glossy. He was about to cry.

“I’m sorry for not honoring my part of our vows Miss. These past months I’ve only been supporting you with material things and not giving you emotional support.”

“I’m sorry too Paul. I was so childish to scare you like that. I just wanted you to feel what I felt. To feel loss for a moment. Do you really mean that I don’t have to go through this alone?”

“Yes. We can go to any counselor that you choose first thing tomorrow. I’m taking the rest of the week off.”

“I’m actually better. Today I just had to exhale. I had a craving for a peach cobbler all last week and made one today.  I realized that a cobbler was what I craved the most when I first discovered I was pregnant before. So, I made an appointment and I’m pregnant again Paul. I found out today. It triggered memories and I’m just so scared that, that the same thing is going to happen.”

Paul looked amazed and just as scared as I was. He gently touched my stomach.

“We’re in this together this time Miss. Every step of the way.”

“You promise me Paul?” I asked.

“I promise the both of you.”