Title: Chapter 4: Chapter 3...Part I
Confused... "Frannie... when you saw that white bastard...you should have never said anything to him! You know Mary watches people like a hawk...Pop will find out about this shit and Darren is good as dead." Where did that verbal exchange between Francis and Mal take place? I kind of like the story, but just when I get the gist of what the story or current dialogue is about, the characters or discussion change. Conversations pop up that seemed to have been started way before me, the reader read them. This story is all over the place.
New characers are introduced here and there and then through their quick chit-chat ( hospital room with Derrick and Francis), I have to decipher who is related to or who is with whom.
I'm sure this sounds picky of me, on the positive this is a good story, loved the 1st sentence in chapter 1, but you really need an editor. I do kinda get what you mean or are leading up to. It just comes across like your ideas are all over one another. It seems Lyon have soooo many different relationships going on at the same time. Personally you should focus on your lead characters and ONLY those that they directly or indirectly interact with.
i gotta ask what is with the Benny character is he in love with Tabby or a racist? Both he and his soon to be ex both referred to his current girl friend either as a nigga or a monkey. That was made me have to back up. The reference didn't bother me, but why is Benny that seems to be in love with another black woman easily using the n-word. Your characters come across a limitless rough or street. The Scottish people not believable.
okay, I'll stop. Before you delete my review (really look for what I said, which was only the tip of the ice berg), know this was not done to be malicious. The things I commented on I'm sure others hae noted as well.
Author's Response: hey swirly_girl!
Thanks for reading and reviewing ME&U!
Just a heads up...I rarely delete reviews, only if a reader by mistake somehow posted the same review back to back. Or if the reader is being a evil pressed cunt. lol
So don't worry, your review was constructive and I appreciate it.
While I was working on FB, CoCo & Mal sorta sprouted up on their own and I never had any plans on doing their story...it just happened.
Me&U may seem all over the place, because ...it really is in some spots. Its a story where I know how it will end but the journey is the crazy ride. Its not based in reality. Its my story where I throw caution to the wind and just create. And Yeah, my characters are rough and raw and my Scotts may have you giving your screen the side-eye ( Even though one of my friends may have to disagree with you on that one-- she married a Scottsman) But I hope despite it all, you will have fun reading it.
Reviewer: swirly_girl Signed
Date: September 24 2014
