So, all of the sudden she wants to have a baby. So she is not only Mike's punching back she is also DUMB.

This story is just a mess; the story doesn't have a flow, from the second chapter foward you start bringing a lot of characters without the being properly introduced, as the reader I'm not able to know who is saying what, because is all in this mess of words that is very difficult to understand.

My advice to you would beta to get a beta and start fixing the chapters you have before you post more.  

I don’t know where to begin so I will say first this story needs spacing because it is so difficult to tell who is talking or thinking what.

Next what do these people look like? There is no detail here and it is difficult to care about any of these people because they seem kinda cartoonish.

Mike comes in yelling profanity at the person that is keeping a roof over his head and food on the table like she is nothing and she takes it. Not only does Kyra take it but she goes and sits in the corner like Cinderella crying her eyes out! I was waiting for the mice to come and comfort her! Then not only does Kyra take it but when he comes back hours later drunk and God knows what else, she has food on the table, house cleaned and gives him a forty-five minute blow job like a porn star? Damn my jaw hurts just thinking about it and my head hurts because she does this while dressed in a sexy teddy and she’s dripping wet like one of Pavlov’s dog? No wonder Mike abuses Kyra because he gets the royal treatment when he does! She then lets him fuck her because this is not lovemaking for sure or even likemaking (and rather painful to read). I’m not sure which one of these people I hate more her or him afterwards because he is a pig and she is the pig’s bitch.

Then we have this convoluted switched birth control story line which is just strange and I could only wish that there was no child because this is just terrible all the way around. Then we have the kidnapping by her stepfather, the friend who isn’t a friend but an undercover agent and the entrance of Dom all coming to slap us in the face with a quickness and I’m not just confused but now also very tired.

This story reminds me a lot of another author with Caramel in her name but she seems to have stopped writing. Please get a beta it can only help.

Author's Response:

Wow!  That was a mouthful.  This is admittly my first written story.  So I appreicate the response.  I understand that Kyra has not been everyone's favorite person due to her passive behavior.  I promise to give her a little bit more backbone in the future. As for Dom I brought him in for a reason which will become clear very soon.  I was unable to post pic cause i don't know how.  I did give Dom and Pattie a person that they resemabled, but did not do the same for the main characters.  If someone could tell me how to post pics I will be happy to do so. 

well this is like a mob story lovin it girl you better keep on hated 4 it 2 stop can't wait 4 next ch. glad U intro DOM N makes story more intriguing personaly I'm team DOM SHE NEEDS SOMETHING NEW N more ways than 1.

I am trying to understand why in the hell Kyra still gives a rats ass about Mike?  That fool put his hands on you and got you pregnant by swtiching out your birth control pills.   She is making my teeth itch, please help her see the light!!

Wow, Mike is crazy ,pulling that gun. Interesting update.

Wow

Mike is a nasty bastard, What is going on with Kyra.

I wonder was going to happen next! Great job post soon :-)

Great start! I can't wait to know what else goes down. Please post more :)

Just discoivered this story...

And chica let me say you have me intrigued but I have questions floating thru my mind...

1. Is this an IR submission? (trying to picture the characters in my mind... Sorry I'm just a visualist)

2. How are you going to make us like Mike? (You said that as one of your footnotes in one of the chapters - I can't stand him and I seriously am wishing HELL and DAMNATION on her so called daddy)

3. I just want to know when are we going to get MORE... Its good chica and now I'm on edge wondering what's coming next!

Keep it up... I've added you to my stalker list (LOL!)

Good so far.

Hope we get some background on how they met and came together.

I hope she gets revenge!