As the clock on her phone strikes 6 her eyes open, looking through the cracked dusty window next to the bed. The sun rays are still too weak to break into the room, which is half dark. The light turns into a cold blue color on the empty white walls.
She brings her thumb to her bottom lip as somebody who's diving into her own thoughts early in the morning. Still, her eyes are numb and so is her expression. A small foolish smile now on her face shows her teeth through her big lips, still red from the night before. Her make-up didn't let her down after all, as she didn't get the chance to take it off.
She lets out a high pitched moan, as she just realized she accomplished something particularly great.
Her tongue licking around her inner lips lets the dawn know she's not thinking about anything but the aroma that is still on them. As she tastes them, she reaches for the end table. Her hand roaming it, swiping it completely, her palm encounters what she was looking for. The lighter placed right on top, carefully. She gently slides a packet of cigarettes towards her, making no sound at all. Now letting it fall between her naked breasts she plays with it. Her thumb scratches on the side of the packet letting out a clicking noise. Holding it still in her hand, her thumbnail defines the borders of it, until some pressure she applies on the bottom of the lid cracks it open. Looking at the ceiling, she can see the refection of some car passing by, mutated as flashes, interrupting the shady kind of blue that's been ruling over the room, since she woke up. Her fingers running from left to right on the barely exposed cigarettes, telling her only one of them is gone. The others all in the same row, and don't feel as squeezed anymore to the touch. Slightly wet to her perception though, they seem to be, breaking her empty fantasies as she wonders why.
"It must have been totally humid last night, here" she thought.
She keeps the packet in her right hand, and moves the lighter gently to her left hand. Her long fingernails struggle to pick a cigarette out of its box so that she leans it onto her lips, holding it still, almost biting it. Her index finger pushing on the bottom of the open side, she sucks one of it out. Her soft mouth covers most of the filter like a mold and it slowly goes almost completely out of sight.
Lighting it up, the spark from her green Bic blinds her for a brief moment, the short metal scrapping sound kills the silence again, her eyes close and open in a blink causing for her sight to go blurry, causing her lips to hardly press on it, still giving her the back taste she was experiencing a couple of minutes before. Now letting it go, her huge lips open as a blooming flower, here reappears the filter, wet, like it was soaked into her ideas of a confusing morning, for a while.
"It has been a OK night I guess" she thought. "But I better get outta here now".
Her mouth feels dry, as if all her saliva would be concentrated around her lips. Shivers run down her arms as she tries to get her head up from the pillow. The cigarette barely hanging on the tip of her mouth, sticking to the leftovers of her lipstick, moves down slowly leaving a red stain on the butt, the ashes fall on her arms, feeling mildy warm. She looks down. Her eyes fall where she believes the warmth hit her, showing a grey powder, hiding what looked like small bruises. Her mouth closes and makes itself tight on the filter as she feels it slipping away, and so she inhales deeply.
The smoke fills her up, making her feel like she was plain empty until that moment, her spit flowing out the corners of her lips. She blinks again. It's gone. Her throat swallows all that was in it. Her saliva wets everything once again, making her feel awake, alive. The aroma gets somewhat stronger.
She drives the cigarette back between her fingers rubbing it dry on them.
As she gets up, the sun is waking up slowly now and so is she, standing right in front of an undone bed, the first morning sun falls on her back, illuminating her brown skin as it's almost shining in the sunlight.
Busy picking up her clothes, the smoke encounters the sun, reflecting it's rays on it, filling up the room of nothing, but making it a bit more familiar.
Behind her, a young man is still asleep ,pale, short haircut, his skin is creating a strong contrast compared to the blueish pillow he's laying onto, late 20's, the bed sheets up to his chest, one of his arms under the covers, some deep red marks are visible on his neck, but she couldn't care less, she's seeing, not observing.
She picks up her shoes and drops them back on the floor, harshly, in place to be worn, the heels hitting the hardwood floor give a dry short sound as feedback as her left foot already made its way in.
A curvy and attractive girl is now fully dressed, for what it could look like.
The fire has been turning the tobacco and paper into ashes quite quickly, making its way to the filter. She drops it on the floor, spitting over it, leaning slowly on her knees, as the last the last drops off put out the fire. She steps over it. Her shoe moving side to side, let the filter roll under her, leaving a burn and a long black line on the wooden plank.
She now turns back, facing a white, open door, beyond it, darkness. A little shining light grabs her attention at the end of the corridor.
The window that evoked the light that woke her up was now showing her a yellowish knob.
The way out of a place she never seen before, but she wasn't scared of.
Nobody tried to stop her, nobody told her where she was, but she had the feeling the morning couldn't have all the answer one could ever lookfor.Like many do believe, a night of rest will lead to the answer; sometimes, you got to give it more to understand what you're really looking for.
The asphalt grinds as she takes her first steps out.
The heavy door closes itself behind her resonating cheap and unstable in the morning calm activity.A small still refreshing breeze runs through her big black and permed hair.
Her clothes relatively vivid in the sun now, bring a break of rules on the grey sidewalk.
A small blue jeans jacket, only the bottom one out if 3 is linked, hardly keeping the 2 ends together. Some stains on her left sleeve that she wouldn't mind. A pink shirt appears misplaced under it showing the top of her breasts, her lower belly seen as the shirt's probably a bit too short. Right before it could get too deep, a small purple skirt would appear, her big tights squeezing in it, one couldnt tell how short or too short it could have been cause her fishnets are leading down directly to the her 6" purple stilettos, overall dirty, giving the impression she was a bit more covered. Her toes showing on the tip of the shoe, still high at its base. Shiny and pinkish glitters now sparkling on her toenails, not too far from what looked like mud.
Passing a couples of blocks under the blue sky she leads up to the shore, she sees nobody.
No soul in miles is there to get her out of a pointless but clear mission, she knows she must be hungry, certainly.
The blinding early lights on the big ferriswheel give a brighter look to the desolation of the morning; trash is all over the sidewalk, and the wind blowing from her right side is the only movement she feels, as her hair gets on her face, she swipes it back in its place, occasionally.
Now marching faster, like somebody running late to an important appointment.
Stores appear on her left, most of them closed. The rusty rolling shutters look sad and take the life back from the street, as the sun is not giving enough to make the place seem real and alive.
The train is travelling upon the bridge she just went through a second before. The deafening screech coming out of the rails erase any thoughts or realizations she might have given herself.
As she walks she smokes again. She gets her mind off the cold is feeling. Her hands feels and look ashy, but she still wouldn't care. The same bruises she noticed in the room are a bit more hidden now. She doesn't believe linking them to her night fun would be fair.
"Was I that drunk I forgot how to smoke?" she laughed to herself.
Her vision goes blurry again as the light gets more intense. She takes a puff while still walking. The smokes surrounds her for a short moment as she passes it. Thinking of the train she wonders if from the outside she would look like a locomotive, finding it hilarious she tries to laugh out loud about it, while her voice gets slightly interrupted from the cold shivers.
It's not a cigarette whats in her mouth now, the strong flavor suits her, but still won't calm her completely, she's trying to keep calm.
Nervously keeping flicking the ashes off, as it's not burning properly, she stops for a second, closing her hands in a ball. The joint lays bewteen her middle and ring finger, making its way through her shiny jewerly, she breaths deeply, as she watches it burning so close to her. Almost half inch is gone. Her eyes are wide open as her eyesight focuses on the incredibly alive fire. She lets the smoke out after keeping it inside for so long. It feels neverending, mixed with the steam from the cold.
She walks faster now, feeling dizzy and lost. Her worries increase and so the taste she wouldn't undsterstand when she was first barely welcomed by the new day. Her hand checking on between her tights, not making it all the way in to her vagina, rubbing the sides, she's growing hungry and worried, but still surprisingly horny. She feels stupid for a second, as she wouldn't mind going back to the house she found herself into, and randomly fucking the person she shared the bed with.
Right, that person. Nevermind.
"Maybe we fucked, maybe we...I didn't check shit out before leaving, I...believe I had a good night" she speak loud to herself.
Her teeth are exposed to the merciless breeze, giving her a numb ache.Breathing hurts, breathing became harder, like thorns flowing to her lungs, that's how air felt going down her lungs.
She looks up into the sky, while her hand is still between her legs, the vision of the clouds go down quickly and she now faces the sidewalk again. Fear invades her. Her brain shot to another gravity won't make her figure out if she's standing or if she's even flying. A man scream interrupts everything, she looks down in a sudden, the eerie feelings makes her heart speed up again. Something touches her hips and everything goes dark. So it seemed. The morning is still there and the dark she couldn't explain were just her eyes closing once again.
A silouette is laying on the sidewalk, head down, hanging low, wearing a furred hat. In total scare, her knee leans on his side as she gets up, making the poorly dressed figure go on a low growl.
His hand reach for his hat, taking it off slowly, his hand shaking. A black man in his 60's is looking up at her, his right eye releasing a tear, reaching for his chin, while his fist let the dirty hat loose.
"What the fuck are you doing in the middle of the side walk?" "At this time! You can't be serious, damn asshole!" she yells at him, while trying to fight her dizziness to issue an argument.
She noticed the tears the old man is crying and so she decides not to speak anymore.She feels mad and fearless now, but her worries just fell again on her, with a double reminder.
Her leg up, she taunts the man' stomach with her shoe.
"Be careful, you old freak" she says, annoyed.
Passing by him the man sniffs.
"Ma'am, I'm sorry I was in your way, I'm damn cold out here. Need a couple of quarters to get me a coffee"
She looks back at him, rolling her eyes, whispering insults he couldn't hear. Her both hands searching her side pockets, feel plenty of paper, bills.
She barely looks at it, while she turns back onto her path. A five, ten bill, something, nothing much anyway is now flying off her jacket. Some tobacco crumbs following its fall.
The man crawls behind her feet and grabs the money, eager to see what destiny brough to him, that cold morning. His thick gray gloves move out of the corners showing the numbers on the bill. His eyes open in joy as he turns it on the face side, his expression becomes doubtful.
"Ma'am!" he calls for her.
"Ma'am, what the hell did you-"
"WHAT NOW? Isn't that enough?..Look, that's what I could give right now, take it, and get the fuck out of my face, dude. Aiight?" she shouts back to his face.
"Okay" he whispers. "You're a kind beautiful lady" he adds up later.
"Sure, kiss my ass though" she says to his opposite side, as the joint she was holding still, meets her mouth again. She's back in her coziness.
The hand almost frozen, the warm feeling and the lights trick her for second. The door close behind her. It's something past 7, and she's at Dunkin' Donuts. The cashier looks busy putting stuff away, now, his lift his eyes, looking up at her.
The girl's eyes looks straight in his. Her tongue swirling around as she keeps eye contact. She gets closer, reaching the counter top. Her steps sound loud, echoing on the tight but long store. She grabs another bill from her pocket, smacking in it on the warm sticky top.
"Two Numbers 5, and anything that won't taste like piss, honey, alright?" She says, as she leaves the money to him.
Not a big deal, worst costumers paid visits to that location. Worst vocabulary and attitudes he has seen before, after his 2 years stay in Coney Island, NYC, he picked up the spirit of it. He would rarely mind such people. An average day of work was now starting for an indian guy is his mid 20's.
His hand reaches for the the 20 piece she just careless pulled out. While the money enters the register,his fingertips rubs it, his voice is about to speak, he sees her back entering the restrooms and his words break as the door softly close, getting the girl out of his sight.
Her right leg on the wet dirty toilet seat. The tip of the shoe pressing on the plastic lets out a cracking sound as the tick surface is collapsing under almost her whole weight.
She was a big girl: curvy and proud, she used to define herself. The kind of curves that make guys hit on her wherever she goes, mostly clubs though.
The other leg on the floor , touching the door, to sort of preventing anyone to get in. She immediately finds what she's looking for as she's wearing no underwear. After a couple of seconds of touching, her hand reappears now full of a transparent jelly.
"Great, I guess I did fuck somebody.." she whispers. "That son of a bitch did it"
If there was something she couldn't stand, it was when someone would "end" inside her.
She didnt like condoms, and the Mirena she got 2 years before didn't authorize anyone to cum inside her anyway. She wants to be in charge. The kind of lady that looks into your eyes through your soul, as if to say, stop it now, now I have fun.
While she leaves the bathroom, she wipes her hand on the wall. The jelly rolls off from her skin sticking on the dirty bathroom tiles, struggling to come down every few inches.
She kicks the door open, on the way to get her food.
The guy now get the chance to fully give a look at her as she walks up to her bag. Every noise and movement she makes feels louder, this, it's because the place is still lonely and empty; strangely, Coney is still asleep.
She quickly grabs her order and sits down at the further table, voraciously bites her bagel.
Her nails pushing onto the bread like claws, some of the glitters get off her fingernails getting stuck on the bagel.The abscense of saliva makes her slow down for a while, as she sips on the still boiling coffee. Her mind blinks again for a moment, her nails slowly coming out of the soft bread. As she takes the next bite her fists close and the half of the break is now torn apart. Still, something is wrong, no thoughts, apart the fact that she'd do anything to get that taste out of her mind, off her lips.
Being high early in the morning is not a big deal after all. Her mind needs to be messy to get the pieces back together. She has to start from a mess she knows of, and she wouldn't think of a better way to end up what she started the day that has just passed. It was an average night, maybe not so worth of being remembered; she'll have better the next time, eventually.
Before she could even start setting her mind on that, the phone screen lights up, and the big samsung display shows the time.
7.35 am.
A second after, it starts ringing, breaking the quiet atmosphere of the restaurant.The screen now flashes on and off, showing small and big dried out stains, untill the caller id is shown:
"Mom" says the phone.
She swallows the last piece of sandwich and picks up while still chewing.
"Yeah what?" She answers.
"Yeah what what girl?" the mother shouts back at her. "Where the hell have you been all night long again??" "I thought I had told you you can do your shit but be home at night!"
The girl's mind is off the conversation and a long gap rebuilds the silence that the call broke not too long ago.
"Allysha?! What the fuck?" yells the mother.
She gets off her thoughts and quickly find an excuse to end the conversation.
"Yes mom I'm sorry I'll be back later" she mumbles
As she looks to the screen to hang up she could clearly hear her mom yelling "We try to not give a fuck about your stuff but at least be respectf-".
The ticking sound of her finger violently hitting the smartphone mix with the dangling of her bracelets.
The call is now off and she slowly gets up, slamming the door out in the same way she got in.
The cold breeze kicks in again all against her as she's climbing up the stairs of Stillwell station, the bridge she passed underneath a few moments before.
Reaching the top makes her feel as on top of a mountain, the struggle of making it while her mind is still freely flying is the deal, the ease of life. The wind is not bothering her as much now. Slowly deleting the frames she could have saved from the night before, she's now mindless, calm, stoned and waiting for her train.
With the same ease she'd ride it, standing or sitting, make it home and enjoy the place all by herself. Her mother would be at work, and anybody else gone, after their businesses.
Now looking at the far ocean shining and reflecting until losing its blue color, she can see some apparently middle-class folks on their way to the shore, jogging, stopping, setting their iPod's.
"Eh..mothafuckers" her lips let out in a distracted whisper.
The enjoyment of knowing her adventure was over, pushed her to believe that was the beginning of a new good day, it was alright, not in too long she'd be gone from that cold station, a carefree life she would never get tired of, unlike some tried to warn her from.
As for her classes, she couldn't really drop out college at this point, she barely went the first few weeks, her parents wouldn't allow her to put the word stop on her "education". Eventually she'd convince them the major she picked was disappointing and searching for a new one, an appropriate one for her, and, of course, that would be now due to the next September.
Getting ideas straight and planning the conversation she'd might have later and she's lost again, not realizing the train is slowing down on the rails and the doors just opened in front of her, letting nobody out but a smell of stale air and warmth.
The sun stops on the dirty glasses, making the whole wagon shine with a new light, turning people into darker shades.
Taking the fist step in, her attention is grabbed by what, actually by who, is staring at her; the long blonde hair made brighter by facing the sun, the colorless skin and light blue eyes.
A girl is moving her eyes away quickly and letting a suffocated laughter as she turns her back to Allysha.
Little she knew, that what she finds maybe hilarious and easy to forget, was getting Allysha's total attention.
A long white vest with black ballerina shoes, wouldn't match perfectly, something she would wear underneath was barely visible near her collet. Her hair wrapped in a ponytail, the size of her head makes her body look even smaller.
A so called natural beauty, skinny, no make up. "The kind of girl that wouldn't take care of herself, freespirit shit and such, just look at the her hands" Allysha thought
"I bet that shit has been that chipped for weeks now"
Deciding she shouldn't make a big fuss out of people's outfit, she looks out of the window as the train just started its long ride. All the things she would see were passing too quickly for her mind to lay a thought about them, making her feel lost, going around in circles, her head now swings as a melody begins playing in the back of her mind.
"Don't stop, Don't stop, Don't stop" she repeately says to herself, now her hips swinging to the rhythm.
People turn and suspiciously look at her and she feels her throat is now resting.
"Damn did I just sing in here?" She smiles as she thinks.
"They must thinks I'm stupid by the way they're looking at me" her smiles grows wider.
She always like to think of herself as a talented, beautiful person that didn't deserve to spend her lifetime waiting for things to settle, spend days, weeks on books at school, while feeling life escaping through her hands like fog.
"See" she wonders, "I'm even musically talented now" she still smiles, between people's curious and a bit creeped out expressions.
"I could go make music and be a deal, better than those bitches you see on MTV, fuck, finding a job that's boring being their bitch, what for, I'll have to give it anyway there so I might as well do-"
Allysha's stomach feels like it's been punched, her muscles contract as she's spitted out back to reality from her deep wonders.
The blonde girl turned while she wasn't paying attention and was now looking into her eyes, like needles deep in her flesh she felt them in hers, making her feel uncomfortable and defenseless.
Allysha wants to believe that feeling didn't last more than a second as her eyes now are back on her white dress, hoping it's all gone. It felt scary.
Two pockets on each end were placed at both ends of the dress, connected by a black minimal pattern, the right end's pocket looked to be misplaced and coming out of it were some green papers.
"I.." Allysha started speaking while still looking at it. "Eh, I wouldn't let my shit out like that, girl" she observes to the girl, to collect some confidence in herself. "Not even in heaven" she adds up right after.
Allysha's eyes barely fully opened as she finds strength to look into hers now, her heart pounding waiting for her response.
The wait grows longer, interrupted only by the rhythm of the rails now, setting the time of the wait, the motion the projecting shadows on their faces.
That connection is there, still, the needles that scared Allysha at first, she feels them still, as she feels brave and fearless. Her red stoner eyes fighting against her own green contacts she forgot, she couldn't take off last night.
The blonde lady's lips corner are beginning to lift, like she would smile, her mouth slowly opens while her nose seems to get a bit wider.
A bright white smile is now printed or her face, with a nervous expression, Allysha felt her teeth grind.
"Well" she responded, "Now, this is not heaven is it? Do you need some? Need new clothes, or just clothes? she adds up turning her smile into a cruel frown and a response into a bold comeback.
Allysha's thin eyebrows curved down, her body filled with anger, hating the disrispect of her smart sarcasm.
"Fuck you bitch" she doesnt hesitate a second to reply. "I'm not the one telling you to keep your shit safe on the train you damn wh-"
Before she could finish the sentence, a ding reminded the passengers that the next station was now reached. Without even worrying Allysha takes big and then small steps as she approches the exit. Leaving the bold girl with her harsh answer. "That was an act of caring after all, bitch" she yelled in her thoughts, not really sure if her mouth made her the favor to translate it into sound for her.
A quick look around and the confusion that left her while fighting against her fears is already hugging her back. She got off 4 stops before her destinations.
Time seem to fly off her hands again while trying to walk into and around the crowded station, leaving her breathless as she panics. Her body bounces as she steps inside another wagon she shuts her eyes.
An african american girl in her 20's named Allysha is on a train, feeling safer, a train for the unknown though. Last thing she sees is the crowd and she sits down. Black. Lights. Black surrounding her, crowd is moving fast around her and she feels the music is way to loud.
She turns and spins all around to find a way out. Her hand is carrying a big cocktail with big sliced frutis placed on top, making harder for her to hold it in her hand. As she looks up the pub crowd becomes insignificant; a handsome young man is smiling at her lifting her left hand for her to see, he brings it up for his chin as she caresses it softly. He gets closer to her and she feels letting herself go, dropping the drink on the floor, the music turns the sound of shattering glasses into nothing; her voice start to raise in a deep and louder moan. Her hand still wet from carrying the cocktail,and now is moving down to her own knees, making its way up to her tights, her middle finger crawling right in between, a inch away from heaven - A ringing sound brings her back to life, while her eyes are again blinded by the light.
Wiping the window clean gets her hand wet, as the other one feels asleep, the train quite empty, just made it to her station.
The floor particularly slippery makes her struggle to the door.
"I must of blacked out, geez" she wonders while leaving the staion behind.
Climbing out of the underground stairs she could perfectly see her apartament, high in the sky.
That apartament costed her old man a lifetime of working and now, nobody seemed to care about it; she seldom found herself thinking about it. What happened was to late to repair, time had given time had taken.
The security guard of the building sees her coming up the few stairs that lead up to the base floor and hurries to get her the door open,
"Thank you Babe" the winkes at him, causing a the 40 year old man to mildly blush while looking down at his shoes. A mix of shyness and pride were still visible on his face.
The elevator opens up leading her up to floor #35, one of the tallest of the building. Not a lot of apartaments were on this floor, restructured in the late 80's, it used to be the rich's place, the place for la creme de la creme of the big apple, or maybe, nowadays that's what who bought back then wanted to think.
Still the position was amazing, the people that lived in it not that much, including her family. Allysha' small and dirty purse is now wide open, her hand digging in it, trying to find her keys.
Rushing, a long aluminum box slips out of her purpse, touching her hand as she quickly turns to catch it. The small object falls on its corner, showing the darkness it contains inside for a small while. It's open. A brown cigar rolls on the red mat, now followed by a second one.
Walking closer, in a hurry to get her precious box, and its content, back in place, her shadow covers the mat, only made brighter by the series of vertical bulbs behind her.
The elevator's run is approaching to its end.
In total blindness she hears a light crack, now steppig back, what she sees stop her heart for a while.
A large stain of green crumbs are now all over the floor, as she bends to pick them up, people are actively discussing, outside the chromed doors.
Her hands sweating, she brushes the leftovers in her left one, who's now almost full, her hand close in a fist. The right one crumbing up the brown rolling paper.
The ringing sound, as she looks up, the number 35 is now lighted up, the mechanism starts pulling the doors open.
A moment of madness, her hand over her mouth, licking the palm clean.
Her throat swallows the rough load, leaving some of it stuck in her teeth. She sucks back the saliva she left dripping down her arm.
Outside, a young couple is suspiciously looking at her.
"Need help?" the young man asks her.
"Oh..No, not really, I thought I lost my contact but its still in my eyes, thank you though" she hurries out passing right between them, faking a smile.
The key hole is slowly penetrated by the old and filthy key that costed her a trip, slowly turning right, 1 time..2 times...3 times...4 times...
She panics as she thinks what her brave action will do to her, bed was right on its way, well, she was.
"Hell yeah nobody's home!" She thought happily
The curtains look dark, distant from her, keeping the living room away from light, now flashing.
The first thing she sees is her younger brother playing on his xbox not even looking back at her. His eyes still, looking uninterruptily.
She drops her key on the floor, now followed by her pure.
She gets the kid's attention, a 18 years old boy, short cut hair, with an exposed muscular body is sitting on the leather sofa swearing at the tv, at 10 in the morning,
"Shouldnt you be at school you lil asshole?" she says, looking back at the door.
The guy turns back as some noise blocked his entertainment.
"What?" the echo of his voice sound deeper and deeper in the gray metallic house, making it sound strange as the sound weave hit on the steel
"Well what about you then? he responds, tossing the joystick on the sofa next to him.
"You" he continues, "Shouldn't be even in NYC, mom is paying for your school and all you could do is being a whore, going around stoned as fuck, bitc-"
The last word came out of his mouth unexpetactly. He hated his sister, the family was unfair, but he's never spoken to her like this, before that day.
She goes up to him lookin right in the eyes.
The young man expression get now weaker as he was expecting for something, as he looks down she kicks him right in his testicles leaving him breathless on the floor, kicking him again stomping on his chest,
"I will tell mom this time" the boy says with the last breath he could use "you...you won't..get away with it, this time"
She bends down and grabs her keys going upstairs to her room, her mom was totally helpless in front of her terrible behavior, and also, with time she learned to get her weakness to do everything that she wanted to do.It even worked with the new mom's fiance, somehow.