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All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

Finding My Way

(John McBain decides to leave Llanview. With a new job in a new city he heads out into his future)

Chapter 1

“Liam, come on.  Your mother will be here in an hour and you need to finish breakfast before she arrives.”

“I’m coming Daddy.  Just wanted to make sure that I didn’t leave anything in my room.  When will Uncle Michael arrive?”

“He’s due after your mother leaves.”

“Okay Daddy, I have everything.  What did you fix for our last breakfast here?”

“Something easy, cereal and milk.”

“Yum, yum, my favorite.”

John McBain and his son, Liam McBain, settle down for their last meal in John’s apartment. They quietly eat waiting for the arrival of Liam’s mother, Natalie Buchanan (she resumed her maiden name after years of going by Natalie Vega).  Liam is now 5 years old and lives with his mother.  On weekends, some holidays, and some summers he spends with his father.  He starts school in the fall.  Earlier this year he asked his parents why they are not married.

(Flashback)

“Mommy and Daddy, why aren’t you married? Don’t you love each other?”

“We love you Liam.  Your father and I tried to make a life together but it didn’t work out.  We still care for each other but not enough to spend a lifetime together.  But we will always love you and will do our best to take care of you.”

“Your mother’s right Liam.  We love you and that is what is important. Just because we’re not married doesn’t mean that we love you any less.  Remember that.”

“I will Daddy.  Mommy what will you do when Daddy moves away?  Will you marry someone else some day?  And Daddy will you marry someone else some day?”

“Liam, I don’t know if I will marry some day but I would like to have someone in my life.  We will wait and see what happens.  As to your father leaving, well he has to do what is best for him.  Just because he’s not here doesn’t mean that you can’t see him.  With Skype he’s just a video call away.”

“Liam just because I’m moving doesn’t mean that I won’t be available.  We will talk with each other regularly, okay.”

“Okay Mommy and Daddy.  Even though you two won’t be together I just want you to be happy.”

(End of flashback)

(Knock, knock)

I go to the door knowing that Natalie has arrived.  Co-parenting Liam with her has been less stressful than I anticipated.  Early on and at every turn she insisted that we should marry and provide a stable home for Liam. And each time I would remind her that we couldn’t marry because I don’t trust her.  She carried this child knowing all along that some other man may have been the father and never once told me until our wedding day.  But I can’t put all the blame on her. All of the years that we have been together and have had sex never once did she get pregnant.  I was careless with her and with Marty.  Marty and I lost our child and once again I was not committed to the mother.  I wasn’t ready for a child so I should have taken the necessary precautions. With that said now that Liam is here I treasure every moment with him.  It’s not his fault that I was careless.  As to marrying Natalie I had every opportunity to marry her before Liam was even a twinkle in someone’s eye but I never wanted to.  I loved her that I will not deny but it was not a sustaining love, not one on which to build a lifetime.  Only after she had the baby did I propose to her and she accepted.  Did I really want to marry her or did I feel a responsibility to marry her?  Now it doesn’t matter because we never married and for that I am grateful.  We would have been awful together married.  

Today I’m moving back to the DC area for a new job with the FBI.  A friend of mine in the Bureau suggested me for a new unit and I applied and was hired.  I start in a month and today I move and will take Liam with me for a two-week stay.  I have leased a furnished apartment and since Liam’s not in school I thought that this would be a good time for him to go with me and help me settle in.  This way I can learn my way around and he can share this experience with me.  Surprisingly enough Natalie agreed to let him accompany me and she’s here now to say goodbye to Liam.  Of course I will have him to call her regularly while he’s away.

“Hello Natalie, come in.  Liam’s just finishing with breakfast and is brushing his teeth.  He’s all packed and we’re waiting for Michael so that we can leave.”

“Hi John.  I know that Liam is excited about this trip.  I must say that I’m sorry to see you go but I know that you have to do what is best for you.  Liam will miss you once he returns home but I’m sure that with video calls he will feel your absence less.”

“That’s what I just told him.  How are you?”

“I’m fine.”

They were never good at small talk so they simply stand there looking at anything but each other as they wait for Liam to return.

“Mommy, you’re here!  Daddy and I are ready to leave.  We’re waiting for Uncle Michael.  Daddy says that he will let me Skype you while I’m with him that way we won’t miss each other so much.  I will miss you Mommy.”

Natalie looks away to avoid crying and then turns to face her son and takes him in her arms and squeezes him while saying to him,“I will miss you too.  Behave with your father and have fun.”

“I will.”  She lowers Liam back to the floor and he goes to pick up his backpack.

“Mommy. Look what Daddy got for me to use on the way to Washington, DC, an iPad!”

“That looks like a lot of fun Liam.  Take care of it okay.”

“Okay.  Daddy already showed me the games on it and I played some of them last night.”

 (Knock, knock)

“That’s Michael.  Liam, are you ready to go?  We need to hit the road.  It’s a long drive.”

“I’m ready Daddy.  Bye Mommy.”

“Bye Liam.  John, have a safe trip.”

“Thank you Natalie.”

With that Natalie heads to the door and opens it to leave as Michael McBain enters. They exchange hellos and goodbyes as they both cross the threshold of John’s apartment and with that the three (3) McBains head to the car for the drive to DC.

“Michael thanks for coming with Liam and me on this trip and agreeing to bring Liam back to Llanview after his visit with me in DC.  I don’t think that I could bear having to say goodbye to him again if I had to bring him back. I’m sure that you have a lot to do other than holding your big brother’s hand through this but I really appreciate it.”

“No thanks needed John.  It’s what brothers do and Marcy and I agreed that this would be good for you and me too since we won’t be able to see each other as often once you move to DC.  So it all works out for the best.”

“Well thanks anyway Michael.”

“You’re welcome John.”

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All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

Finding My Way

Chapter 2

The two weeks fly by and the McBains do all the touristy stuff of visiting the museums and monuments and even stop by the FBI headquarters where John will work. Liam especially enjoys the Smithsonian Museum and has a great time with the interactive exhibits there.  Of course when it comes time for Liam and Michael to fly back to Llanview a few tears are shed but everyone agrees that they will keep in touch.

Now John has two weeks alone before he starts his job.  He decides to start his routine of going to bed at a decent hour so that he will awake refreshed to leave home with enough time to arrive at work on time taking into account traffic, if he decides to drive, and the metro schedule if he decides to take the metro.  He’s been away from the DC area for years and some things have changed and some have not so he wants to give himself enough time to make whatever adjustments necessary to make this transition as smooth as possible.

John’s new job requires some travel and working with other FBI offices around the country and sometimes abroad.  He’s signed up for language courses to brush up on some languages and learn a few more.  He’s conversational in Italian but needs to brush up on his French and wants to learn German and Russian.  Not to say that he will travel to Russia but it’s always been a language that he has wanted to learn.  He will use these two weeks to start the accelerated language courses and will continue them once he starts working.  

Although John has never been a ‘spendthrift’ he does want to budget his money now that he lives in a more expensive area than Llanview.  Of course he has automatic deductions to cover Liam’s care back in Llanview.  He does want to be able to enjoy all that the DC area has to offer like the theatre, and we don’t mean ‘movie houses’, the symphony orchestra, and things other than the sporting events.  

John thinks,

[It seems like my life has come full circle. I left DC to move to Llanview and now I’ve left Llanview to move to DC.  So much has happened in those intervening years and I wonder have I changed at all.  Even though I solved the murders of my dad and Caitlin there’s still something missing in my life.  I thought that I had found that missing piece with Natalie but I was wrong.  There’s still a feeling of ‘something missing’. I’m not getting any younger and after all that has happened in the years since I left DC I now know that I do want love in my life.  I want someone to share the simple and complex things of life with me. Even surprisingly enough I would like to get married and have children, other children than Liam.  I want to love and be loved and create children out of that love.  Maybe this is my time to leave the past in the past and create a present and future with hope and not the usual ‘doom’ that I seem to bring to everything. From this day forward that is what I will strive to do.]

@@@@@@@@@

Six months later and John is knee deep in cases and enjoying every minute of it. He’s not too busy to take time out for an occasional get together with his new co-workers and they get along well.  Every other week he has a Skype session with Liam who tells John all about everything that he’s doing in school and how much he enjoys school.  John is glad that Liam seems to have adjusted well to school and John’s move.  John has even managed to take in a play and surprised himself by enjoying it. This weekend he will go to see his first opera, The Barber of Seville. Although this is the result of a dare from one of his co-workers, he plans to make the most of it. Never let it be said that John McBain is a ‘chicken’.  Now he wonders how he will survive sitting through all of the singing. Oh well too late for changing his mind.  He’ll make the best of this situation.  What’s the worst that can happen?

Well the worst did happen.  He fell asleep and one of his aisle mates had to wake him for the intermission.  He was so embarrassed and so for the second half me made every effort to stay awake and surprised himself by enjoying the ending.  He thanked his aisle mate and apologized for his faux pas and made it home in one piece vowing to not attend an opera again, well at least not after working twenty-four hours straight.  You live and learn.

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All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

Finding My Way

(This chapter explains at bit about John’s new job.  I’ve taken considerable poetic license to describe the duties, challenges, and outcomes of this job so don’t quote me on anything.  This story will not include any specific cases handled by this unit.  Thnx.)

Chapter 3

My first year at work has proven quite exhilarating and tiring.  Some days we get so involved in a case that today turns into the next day before we take a break.  When leads come in we try to act upon then as soon as possible and that may involve a trip out of town or out of the country.  But it is all worth it to close a case.  Not that we close every one that we encounter but we do close our share. My fellow unit mates are, in my opinion, some of the best agents in the Bureau:

-three (3) criminal investigators Stan Ross, Alec Tan and Erica Beard;

-forensic scientist Hannah Bartholomew, Ph.D.;

-psychologist Dr. Evan Kowalski, M.D., Ph.D.; and

-computer analyst Amir Randsum

Erica is the mother hen, Stan is the know-it-all, Alec is Mr. Cool, and Hannah is brilliant as is the youngest of the group Amir.  Evan is a former NFL All-Pro wide receiver who played four years for the Philadelphia Eagles and then retired to attend medical school. Everyone on the team enjoys their job and plans to make a career here at the Bureau.  Erica, Stan and I are around the same age and when we talk some times we have to translate for the ‘younglings’ Hannah and Amir but it’s all in jest.

Our last case took Stan, Erica, Amir and I to France and there I had an opportunity to use my French.  Glad that I finished those accelerated language courses.  We worked with the police in Calais, Paris, and Boulogne.  The French authorities, with our assistance, apprehended the culprits and they will stand trial in France and then be extradited to the US to stand trial for the crimes committed here.  We didn’t even get a chance to relax while we were there so I will have to return again because that is a beautiful place. 

During our time in France, the remaining unit members continued to work on this one case that had puzzled us for the last month and they finally obtained a bit of evidence to further identify the perpetrators.  Although we are still far from solving this case we are closer than we were two (2) months ago.

With the Christmas holidays coming up and folks already have their travel plans scheduled we will be a bit short staffed but there are no pressing issues that won’t wait until the new year.  This is not my Christmas to have Liam so he will stay with his mother in Llanview.  Erica and Alec have tried to set me up with a few dates since we got to know each other and I have gone on a few but no one really clicked for me.  I know that I have to get myself back into the ‘swing of things’ but I’m not looking for more dates but I am looking for someone who might want more of a relationship.  I can’t believe that I said that.  I, John McBain, want a relationship.  

Evan invited me to Christmas dinner with his wife and two children.  He says no one should be alone at Christmas time. I accepted and actually look forward to it.  Evan and I get along really well out of all of my co-workers.  After all he played football for one of my favorite teams, the Philadelphia Eagles.  He’s approachable and easy to talk to like Antonio was when I lived in Llanview.  Evan grew up in New York City.  His parents met on the NYC subway.  His mother is black from Brooklyn and his father is white from Poland.  When they met his father was in New York City visiting relatives when he took the wrong metro train to get downtown and his mother knew Polish because she had learned to speak it from one of her friends.  She helped him find his way downtown and then went her own way but not before he asked her for her number.  His father had ‘game’.  Evan is 6’3’’ and looks like a bald headed Lenny Kravitz. He’s a really good guy.

@@@@@@@@@

Spring has sprung in the nation’s capital and we finally got another break in that case that has kept us chasing our tails for so long.  This time everything stays within US borders and with assistance from the US Marshals we apprehend the smuggling gang in Shreveport.  That makes another closure for our team and now on to the next case.  

Just after the case closed Hannah announced her engagement and informed us that she will get married in August of this year.  She invited us all to attend.  Good news for the team.  I did feel a bit jealous though.  Even though I have been on several dates and have had a few dates with the same lady, there’s still something missing.  Her name is Rebecca Sterling and she works for the Justice Department as an analyst.  She is very nice.  We’ve gone to dinner, a play and recently went on a Potomac River cruise. But here’s the thing, I have yet to kiss her and it’s not because she wasn’t willing.  She was willing but something keeps me back from kissing her.  If I kissed her it would make her think that I want more from her than what I really do.  I go out with her because she’s fun and easy to talk to but I’m not romantically interested in her.  Now that I think about it I sound selfish in doing that because in actuality I’m taking advantage of her company so that I am not alone and she may see that as I’m interested in her which I’m not. What do I do?

“John, what’s up?  Why the long face man?”

“Oh hi Evan, just thinking about something that I need to do and it’s going to be hard to do it?”

“Well like a scab, just yank it off. It’s better to do it and get it over with than to let it fester.  What are we talking about anyway?”

“Do you have a moment Evan?”

“Sure John, come on it.  I’ve got an hour or so before my next meeting.  The time is all yours.”

So I tell Evan all about Rebecca and my decision.  He suggests that I call her and tell her straight that I’m not romantically interested in her and apologize if I gave that impression but that I really enjoyed her company.  Emphasize to her that I understand if she does not want to see me again and thank her for her time.  Since it was lunchtime and Rebecca said that she usually takes lunch out of her office I called her while I was there in Evan’s office and told her everything. Needless to say that she wasn’t very happy to hear that but she thanked me for telling her and suggested that I ‘lose’ her number.  I didn’t fault her for that and was glad that she was so understanding. 

“So John do you feel better now?”

“Yes and no Evan.  I feel better that I settled things with Rebecca but I don’t feel good that I’m still alone.  I’ve gone on dates and have tried to connect with these ladies but something is just missing.  I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”

“John there’s nothing wrong with you. Your heart knows what it wants and you just haven’t found her yet.  You told me once that when your fiancé died you gave up on love.  Does that mean that you haven’t loved anyone since she died all of those years ago?”

I thought for a moment before answering Evan: 

[I have felt things for several women since Caitlin died.  I loved Natalie and thought that she was the ‘one’ but I was mistaken; Marty was available but I don’t think that I ever really loved her; Samantha in Port Charles stirred feelings in me but nothing sustaining; Blair was something I never should have done; and Evangeline but she’s dead.]

“Evan I have been involved with several women since Caitlin died but of all those women still living none of them can I see having a life with or marrying them.  Maybe I’m meant to live alone and perhaps that’s for the best because I don’t want to mess up anyone else’s life trying to force feelings that I don’t have.”

“Maybe you’re right John but give it some time. Love can happen when you least expect it.  Don’t call it quits just yet.”

“I hear you Evan and I’ll put it on the back burner for now and concentrate on something else.  Thanks for talking with me.  Now back to work.”

August is fast approaching and Hannah is so excited for her wedding.  Amir is now dating a young lady who teaches at Georgetown.  Love is in the air. Alec is a confirmed bachelor so he says that he’s immune to all of the ‘love pollen’ in the air.  Stan is married with one child and Erica is married with two children.  Everyone has someone but me, John McBain.  When will I ‘find my way’ to the altar?

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All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

Finding My Way

(Here we introduce a new character, Alexandria Ambrose, an attorney in a major law firm in Washington, DC.  Not all is as it seems with Ms. Ambrose.  Sit back, relax, sip your tea/coffee and all will reveal itself in due time.)

Chapter 4

Alexandria Victoria Ambrose finishes up her file and powers down her computer and prepares to leave her office for the day.  Another successful day in court and she has the weekend ahead to celebrate. As she departs her office she hears someone call her name,

“Ms. Ambrose, may I see you in my office for a moment?  It won’t take long.”

“Yes, Mr. Dexter.”

She walks upstairs to Mr. Dexter’s office and his receptionist opens the door for her to enter.  Inside she finds Mr. Dexter and two of the senior partners of the firm all sitting at the large table in Mr. Dexter’s office.

“Ms. Ambrose, Alexandria, I’m sure you wondering why I’ve called you here at this late hour but there is something that we want to discuss with you.”

“Yes, Mr. Dexter, what would you like to discuss with me?”

Then Mr. Rosen and Mr. Lovell stand with Mr. Dexter and say together,

“Congratulations Ms. Ambrose!”

“Sirs, thank you for the congratulations but I don’t understand why you are congratulating me?

“We congratulate you on making partner in the firm.  Your work has been outstanding and your clients have nothing but good things to say about you and we feel that we would do ourselves a disservice by not offering you a partnership in this firm.”

“Your offer is very generous and I thank you individually and collectively.”

“We will have a meeting with the other partners on Monday but we wanted to tell you first.  Your work for us in the London office is what settled the decision for us.  Your leadership and stewardship of that office allowed us to see your full worth to this firm. We thank you for choosing us as your employers.”

“Well thank you Mr. Rosen for that vote of confidence.  Is there anything else sir?”

“No, you may leave Ms. Ambrose.  Thank you and have a good weekend.”

“Mr. Rosen, Mr. Lovell and Mr. Dexter, thank you so much for this opportunity.  Good night.”

With that I return to my office and collect my purse and briefcase and head out to the garage for my car and my ride home.  My what a way to end a Friday and to start a weekend!  And I have to thank Uncle Stephen for making all of this possible.  I call his cell phone and he answers on the first ring.

“Uncle Stephen guess what.  They made me a partner today!  My work in the London office is what clinched it. I owe it all to you.  You made all of this possible for me. I can never thank you enough.”

“No thanks necessary, Victoria.  That’s what family is all about.  I will always be here for you my lovely niece. Never forget that.  Now enjoy your weekend and I will talk with you next month.  I’m on my way to Greece to take care of some business so I will be out of touch for a few weeks.  I will call you when I make it back to London.”

“Okay Uncle Stephen.  Have a good trip.  I love you.”

“I love you too Victoria.”

I make it to my apartment and settle in for the evening.  A nice hot shower, a tasty dinner and a good book fill my evening.  Relaxing on the sofa I think about how far I’ve come in the past few years.  None of this would have been possible without Uncle Stephen. I have everything that I’ve worked so hard for coming to fruition.  But, but something is missing.  Other than Uncle Stephen I have no one with whom to share this good news. Alexandria takes time to think about her situation:

[I can’t second-guess my decisions now. I’ve worked hard to make this life for myself. ‘ Life on my terms’ is what I said to Uncle Stephen when he explained everything to me.  I can’t have any regrets now.  No turning back.  Everything is legal and above board, he made sure of that, but why now do I feel that something is missing in my life?  Am I destined to live this life alone?  Is that the price I must pay for my decisions?  Alexandria you are strong.  Don’t waver now.  Too much is at stake.  Hold the course and it will all be worth it in the end.  You’ve gained more than you have lost remember that.]

Now with a new resolve Alexandria savors the moment and her mind eases about the hard decisions that she had to make.  

[Now the option of my returning to London is clearly possible.  All my hard work there has made my success here in the States even more valuable to the firm.  A future in London is what I want and with occasional visits to the US it is a dream realized.]

With that settled I enjoy the news of my promotion and head for bed.

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All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

Finding My Way

Chapter 5

Hannah’s wedding was beautiful and all of the team made it.  Alec and I were the only ones who didn’t bring a ‘plus one’. Erica and Hannah both tried to set us up with dates but we declined.  Erica even tried to get me to agree to bring a friend of a friend of hers who was fairly new to town but I declined the offer.  She said that the lady was very nice, an attorney and from London.  When she said ‘an attorney’ my gut clenched and memories flooded my brain and I had to stop myself to quell them.  I recovered with Erica none the wiser. 

Now here we are a year later and I have to travel to London for a meeting.  I will be there for a week. This past year passed with some changes.  Liam spent part of his summer with me.  He has a new sister now.  Natalie married and has a baby girl named Cecile.  I’m happy for her and Liam is excited to be a big brother. Well at least one of us has a ‘happy ever after’.  Don’t get me wrong I haven’t given up on finding someone and I have been on ‘dates’ but still either I don’t ‘click all the boxes’ for them or they don’t make me ‘feel’ like pursuing it any further.  Maybe I should just resolve to be a ‘confirmed bachelor’ like Alec.  He seems to be none the worse for wear and enjoying himself but I can really see myself doing that. I want a home life.  I want a wife and children.

Not all is gloom in my life though.  I’ve taken up running and have joined a running group.  And yes the women in the group have tried to set me up too and I’ve even gone out on a few dates with some of them but we resolved that we do better as ‘friends’ or acquaintances’.  I’m okay with that.  The guys in the group get along well and Evan even joined, as if he needed to get any more fit than he already is.  That guy kept up his exercise routine after he left the NFL even with the hectic hours of medical school.  He says that the running group makes him feel like a team member again on the physical activity level, like being a member of the football team. I understand what he means. 

Well my hotel in London is not far from the meeting place so I decide to walk. The weather is nice and I get to enjoy the weather because I will be inside most of the day.  There’s a coffee shop on the corner and I stop there for cup.  I’m a bit early for the meeting so I have time to sit and read the newspaper.  I drink my coffee, glance at the paper and watch the people come in and exit the coffee shop.  At one point I look out the window to watch the people walking by and for a moment I catch sight of someone walking by who looks familiar.  I leave my coffee on the table and jump up and rush out of the coffee shop.  I look down the sidewalk in both directions but I can’t find them. I think, ‘where did they go’? I’m a bit unsettled after that and continue my walk to the conference meeting location.  But I still ask myself, why would Mr. Williamson be in London?  But why should he not? I didn’t know him that well so he could have traveled here and I would never know.  It was probably someone who just looked like him and anyway what does it matter?  Seeing him just made me think of her and that does me no good.  She’s gone forever now just like Caitlin. I will meet someone new with whom I can share a life.  I know that it will happen so I just have to leave myself receptive to that.

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Six months after my London meeting I’m back working cases with my team and everyone is in good spirits.  Hannah is pregnant and due in a month. Amir is now married and ‘happy as a lark’.  I’m happy for both of them but it just makes me think that I lost my chance at happiness when Caitlin died and am now doomed to be alone.  That’s not true. I made mistakes with my other relationships and let what might have been something great to pass through my fingers.  

Not one to give up after one try, I’m going to another opera tonight, la Traviata.  This time I don’t fall asleep and oddly enough I was able to follow along, good thing that I read notes about the opera before booking the ticket.  So now no one can say that I haven’t been to the opera.  I feel a sense of accomplishment.

I make it back home after the opera and a strange thought comes to my mind, [Evangeline would have been proud of me for going to the opera.  Getting out of my comfort zone and seeing what else life has to offer.]  Just as quickly as the thought came it faded.  I didn’t dwell on it.  Well I am proud of myself.  

(Ring, ring)

“Hi Michael, what’s up?”

“Hi John just calling to check on you. How are you?”

“I’m fine Michael, now why are you really calling?”

“Your birthday is next month so I wanted to know if you have anything planned?”

“Michael you know that I don’t celebrate my birthday so why would I plan anything?  What is this about?”

“That’s just it John.  You never plan anything and each year goes by as if nothing happened.  Each year is a year to celebrate that you have another year.  Why not celebrate for once?  What’s so wrong about celebrating a birthday?”

“Michael, that is not why you called.  What’s wrong?”

“Okay you’re right that’s not why I called. One of my colleagues died today. He was your age.  He reminded me a lot of you.  Consumed with himself and a bit reclusive. Although you have improved in recent years, and he didn’t celebrate birthdays either.  I want you to enjoy life John.  I know that you’ve had a hard time of things but there have been some good times.  I know that your romantic relationships didn’t pan out but you’re still an attractive man and still young enough to find someone with whom to share a life. You don’t have the McBain charm like I do and that’s probably why you have such a hard time staying in a relationship but there is still hope for you John.  Don’t give up.”

“Well thanks for the pep talk Michael.  I hope that you feel better now.”

“I do John, thanks for listening. What are you doing this weekend?”

“I don’t have any plans just relaxing and going for a run on Saturday.  I’m really enjoying this running thing.  Hopefully the weather will cooperate.  No snow in the forecast so hopefully I can run in the park. Why what are you and Marcie doing?”

“We’re going on a couples retreat for Valentine’s Day weekend.”

[Valentine’s Day triggers a memory for me of another Valentine’s Day when I was serenaded.]

“Sounds like fun Michael.  Enjoy yourself.  I have to go now.  Talk with you later.”

“Okay John I get the hint that you want me to hang up.  Talk with you later. Take care.”

“You take care too Michael.”

@@@@@@@@@

Maybe I should try this online dating thing that some people are doing.  There has to be someone out there for me. But just my luck I pick someone who appears to be right for me and they turn out to be a dude named ‘Bubba’ pretending that he’s some hot chick named ‘Deidre’.  I think that I will stick with the meet and greet in person.

There’s a recruitment event downtown DC, with many of the federal agencies, local universities, and businesses with booths.  I’m not scheduled to attend but it’s my day off and I think that I might just pop in to see what it’s all about.  I make it to the venue just before lunch time and walk around looking at the various booths and am very impressed.  The people looking for jobs or placements have come dressed in professional wear and the booth attendees have pamphlets, applications, and talk a bit with those stopping at their booths.  I don’t stay long but just as I’m about to exit I look down the corridor and stop in my tracks.  From the back that lady looks just like….  No it can’t be and anyway the hair is wrong.  It’s just my imagination. Get a grip John. When I look up again she’s gone. [See I told you it was just your imagination].  I need a run.

I make it home and do go for that run which clears my head and I can think clearly now.  Just old memories resurfacing nothing more.  I think that I will go visit my mother this weekend.  She’s home for a break and I haven’t seen her in a while.

Un-betaed

All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

Finding My Way

Chapter 6

Visiting with my mother can be somewhat of a challenge sometimes.  She likes to drill me on what’s happening in my life and sometimes I don’t want to talk about my life.  This time she surprises me and doesn’t ask anything except how’s my job.

“Mom, are you okay?  You haven’t asked me anything about my love life or lack thereof and I’m a bit worried.”

“John I thought that I would not interrogate you during this visit.  I see you so seldom that I didn’t want to bring up anything that would make you uncomfortable.  Michael told me about Natalie’s marriage and new child and I didn’t know how you would react to that.”

“Mom, I’m glad that Natalie has found someone with whom she can make a life.  After all that happened between us there are no hard feelings.  I wasn’t right for her and she wasn’t right for me.”

“Does Liam still spend time with you?”

“Yes he does.  We have a great relationship and he’s growing up to be a very good person and Natalie has raised him well.  I thank her for that.”

“Do you talk with her much?”

“No, not more than to coordinate Liam’s visits.”

“Any regrets?”

“Of course I have regrets Mom but not about not having a life with Natalie.  I made so many mistakes in my relationships after Caitlin died.  I guess she ruined me from getting involved with anyone else.”

“That’s not true John.  You took care of Michael and me after your father died and that was too big of a burden for a ten year old boy.  You were our protector and you did the same for Caitlin. But who protected you John? In any of your relationships did anyone ever put you first and wanted the best for you, just for you?”

“Mom why are you saying all of this? Are you all right?”

“Finally John I am all right.  Ever since your father died I feel like I have been living in this fog.  My life hasn’t felt complete without him.  You’ve done the same thing since Caitlin died.  I don’t want you to do what I did.  You didn’t answer my question.  Has anyone ever wanted the best for you, just for you?”

“Once Mom, once someone wanted what was best for me but I couldn’t appreciate it because I didn’t know what was best for me.  I didn’t know how to love again after Caitlin.”

“Caitlin will never return John so you have to go on and open yourself up to love so that love can come in.  That’s what I have done after all of these years. I’ve found love again John and I want you to find love again too.  If I can do it you can too.”

“I don’t know how Mom, I don’t know how. I once had someone who made me feel things that I never thought that I would feel again since Caitlin died and no it wasn’t Natalie.  She’s gone now never to return.  I messed it up Mom.”

“Well still open your heart John and don’t mess it up this time.”

“So who’s this new love in your life?”

“He’s a businessman that I met on my last cruise gig.  He lives in London and was on vacation.  He enjoyed my singing and invited me to dinner one night.  That was six months ago and although it is a long distance romance we keep in touch regularly.  Hurray for Skype!”

“Well good for you Mom.  When will we meet him and give me his name so that I can do a background check on him?”

“Forget background check son.  I wasn’t a policeman’s wife for nothing.  I had my own background check done and he and I compared the information that we gathered on each other.  We both thought that it was funny that we researched each other but you can never be too careful these days.  Neither of us felt any anger that we researched each other and as a matter of fact we joke about it from time to time.  He’s such a dear heart.  He’s a widower and I’m a widow so we both know about lost love.  He has a grown son and daughter and they each have two children so he has more grandchildren than I do.  You do know that I would like more grandchildren.  Michael and Marcie have already graced me with one and you gave me Liam but I can always use more.  You’re not getting any younger John.”

“Not getting any younger?  Thanks a lot Mom.  I expect to hear such talk from strangers not from my own mother.”

“Just telling the truth. All kidding aside John, I only want happiness for you and you are a great father even if Liam doesn’t live with you.”

“You cleaned that up rather nicely Mom. So when do Michael and I get to meet the new man in your life?”

“He’s coming to town in June so you can meet him then.  That will give you time to have him ‘checked’, ‘researched’, ‘followed’ and whatever else you plan to do.”

“Ha, ha Mom you’re so funny.”

Look at that even my mother has love in her life.  What am I doing wrong?

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All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

Finding My Way

Chapter 7

Everything is working out great for me.  The manager at the London office has decided to retire and take care of his ailing mother in Scotland.  The senior partners at the firm have offered me the manager’s position starting in three months.  I am beyond excited.  Uncle Stephen has an engagement in Atlantic City and I will meet up with him there to share the news.  He won’t tell me what he has planned in Atlantic City but I don’t care as long as I get some time with him.  He heads back to London soon after concluding his business there and once I tell him my good news he will want me to return with him. 

My how far I have come.  Who knew that so many years ago I was at my lowest point and now it feels like I am on top of the world.  I feel renewed, restored and refreshed.  God has truly blessed me and I will not take for granted this new lease on life that He has afforded me.  Although in arriving at this point in my life I had to leave behind my past but it was well worth the sacrifice.  Many will not understand my choices but I do.  Doing what I did has allowed me to ‘breathe’.  Before I felt so stifled and rigid and so limited. Now it’s as if there is no limit to the things that are possible for me.  I have worked harder these to get to this point than I have ever worked and it is paying great dividends. Who knew that I would be so good in doing something so different than what I’m used to doing? Uncle Stephen understands. It’s funny that our lives are a bit similar and I know that I can tell him how I feel and he understands my feelings and concerns.  He says, “Feel it Allie but don’t let it consume you.  Live life and live it abundantly.”  

I think that it is so funny how you can seem to disappear in a big city.  In a small town it’s like everybody knows everybody but in a big city you can go on with your life and sometimes no one notices.  Within and amongst all of this freedom there does come moments when I am a little lonely and long for some companionship.  But I am on a mission to forward my new career and then I can ease off and make myself more available to find that special person for me. I’ll use Uncle Stephen again as my model because he recently found the woman of his dreams and they have a beautiful life together so I know that it can be possible for me too. 

After checking in at the hotel in Atlantic City I meet up with Uncle Stephen in the restaurant for lunch.

“Hello Allie you look lovely as usual. How was the drive?”

“The drive was fine Uncle Stephen.  So what brings you to Atlantic City?”

“My business partners and I had meetings in New York City and decided to stop in Atlantic City to take in the boardwalk and the casinos.  One of the partners had some personal business to take care of here too so we all agreed to spend a few days here before flying back to London. Since I was so close I wanted to see you and so here you are.  What’s new with you?”

“Uncle Stephen, my firm offered to me the London office manager position and I accepted!  I’m returning to London.  Isn’t that great news?”

“That is fantastic news Allie!  You know that I want you back in London. That is your home now and we have missed you.  When do you move?”

“I start work in three (3) months. The company will provide housing until I can move back into my apartment there since it’s now being leased. Uncle Stephen everything is working out so well for me.  I am so thankful.”

“You deserve all these good things Alexandria. You’ve come a long and hard way and I am so proud of you.”

“I couldn’t have done it without you Uncle Stephen.”

“So now that you will return to London have you given any thought to that other matter?”

“What other matter?”

“Don’t play coy with me little lady.  The other matter of reaching out.”

“Have you reached out Uncle Stephen? When you reach out then I will reach out too.”

“All right Allie I get your point.  How can I ask you to do something that I myself am not willing to do?  But I have not said that I will never reach out just not at this moment. But I won’t press you about it. This is your life and you have to live with your decisions.”

“Yes I do have to live with my decisions and for now my decision remains the same as it regards to reaching out.  I know you think that since I am so close now that I am tempted to do just that but I’m not.  I do have to tell you though that sometimes I do get a little lonely and want someone to share things with but then I think about all that ‘noise’ that will come with ‘reaching out’ and that loneliness quickly fades and I regain my contentment in my life.  Do you ever feel that Uncle Stephen, the loneliness?”

“I won’t lie to you Allie, I did.  But then I became comfortable with myself and that gave me confidence and then I made friends and my world expanded with my friends, my job, my new hobbies and I no longer felt lonely.  That’s not to say that one can’t feel lonely in a crowd but my focus changed from ‘what I didn’t have’ to ‘all the great things that I do have’.  It’s like do you see the glass as half full or half empty.  Is your life enriched Allie or do you feel shortchanged?”

“I feel enriched Uncle Stephen.  I feel renewed.  Thanks.”

“Okay let’s eat and then take a stroll on the boardwalk, get some saltwater taffy and put our feet in the water.”

“That sounds wonderful Uncle Stephen.”

We finish lunch and do all of those things.  Arriving back at the hotel Uncle Stephen introduces me to his business partners and I then head back to my room to shower and change for dinner and a night at the casino.  I am not a gambler so I restrain myself from spending more than I budgeted. All in all I win more than I lose and I walk away from the tables with my winnings. 

I leave Uncle Stephen and his partners at the tables and walk to the lounge and out to the patio overlooking the ocean.  I sit there thinking about my life and the things I hope for in my future. I move farther down the patio to be alone and look out at the ocean marveling in the beauty and splendor of the water crashing onto the shore and the moonlight glistening on the water.

@@@@@@@@@

In the casino I find Mr. Carstairs at one of the tables.  After meeting him at my mother’s house I ask him to meet here so that we can have a private conversation.  As the elder son of course I have to have this private conversation with him to ascertain his true intentions with my mother.  He seems like a fine enough person and my background check revealed that he is a legitimate businessman.  We excuse ourselves and go to the patio and in a far corner sit at a table and converse.  We talked for a good hour and we both left better understanding each other and I felt assured that he has honorable intentions with my mother for he asked me for her hand in marriage.  I had to smile at that and gave him my blessing.  How ironic is that?  My mother is getting married before I do.  Oh well she deserves happiness too.

I decide to stay on the patio and take in the scenery of the water, the moonlight, and the smell of the ocean. I look down the patio and see a woman standing there with her back to me.  I approach not wanting to scare her but wanted to make her aware that she might need to return to the lounge because it is a bit dangerous for a woman alone out here.  I call out to her as I approach and I notice that she stiffens.  Perhaps I scared her anyway so I say,

“I’m sorry to disturb you Ms. but you might want to return to the lounge.  It is a bit dangerous for you to stay out her alone.”

She doesn’t turn around but instead moves to the stairway that leads from the patio down to the beach.  I rush to detain her from walking on the beach at this hour because it is less safe than standing on the patio.  Grabbing her arm as the reaches the beach I hold her tightly and say,

“Please Ms. I’m not here to hurt you but please return to the hotel lounge.  It is not safe here for you alone.”

She relaxes her arm and then looks up at me and smiles.

Un-betaed

All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

Finding My Way

Chapter 8

(Glad that you stayed around to reach this point.  I’m a sucker for happy endings so don’t shoot me.  Hope that you enjoyed the read because I enjoyed the writing.)

I loosen my grip on her arm and stand there before her amazed.

“How? When? Where? This is not possible.”

“Hello John.”

“How is this possible?  They told me that you died years ago.  Did they lie to me?  Why?”

“No they didn’t lie.  They thought that I died.  Can we go somewhere to talk?”

“I’m staying with my mother and the hotel lounge has no privacy.”

“Come on I have a room here.  We can talk there.”

I take her hand and we make it to her room.  I don’t let her hand go because I’m afraid that she will disappear and that this is just a dream that I am having.

“John you can let my hand go now.  I’m real.  Sit down.  Do you want some coffee, beer or a drink?”

“Just some water.  I want to keep my wits about me during this conversation. So for starts where have you been?”

“I know that you have a lot of questions John but just let me tell my story and you can ask questions when I’m finished. As you can imagine it may sound like science fiction to you but it is all real.  I will give you a condensed version of what happened.”

“I don’t know if I can wait until you finish to ask my questions.  I have one that I need the answer to now, maybe two or three questions and then you can tell your story.”

“Okay John what are your questions?”

“First question, are you married? Second question, are you seeing someone?  Third question will you marry me.”

“Well you don’t waste anytime John.  To answer your questions in the order that they were asked, no, no, why should I?”

“Good answers for questions one and two and as for question three, you should marry me because I love you and I have missed you so much.  I thought that I was doomed to live life alone and never have happiness again.  I know that I made terrible mistakes when we were together but I have changed.  I love you and I will love you like no one else can. So rethink an answer to question three while you tell me your story.  I’m listening.”

“Here goes. Of course someone else told all of this to me because I was in a coma when all of this happened.  As you know my mother decided to discontinue life support and everyone thought that I died.  But I didn’t.  My Uncle Stephen found out about my situation and put people in place to keep an eye out on things.  When he learned that my mother intended to stop life support he had medical staff there to make the machine beep as if I was dead.  When my mother left the room he had my body moved and replaced it with another.  Needless to say the coffin in the cemetery is empty.

Uncle Stephen moved me to a clinic in Switzerland that specialized in treatment of coma patients.  I recovered and rehabilitated there.  Both Uncle Stephen and I decided that it would be better for all involved to maintain the story of my death and I would begin anew as Alexandria Victoria Ambrose.  I chose the Victoria part because I am victorious in this.  I decided to continue working in the law and diversified into international law.  With additional schooling and credentials I made a life for myself in London.  Currently I work for an international law firm with offices in Washington, DC and London.  Just this week I received a promotion to manage the London office so I will return to London in a month or two and will live there with occasional trips to the DC office.  I have not reconnected with any of my family here.  John I feel like a new person and I don’t want to go back to being the old me.  That person no longer exists.”

“Do you love me?  Can you love me? I’m new too.  We can be new together.  You say that you can’t go back well I can’t go back either. I can’t go back to not having you in my life.  I now work in DC. I’m back with the FBI. Talk about life changes.  I enjoy my job and it has given me a new lease on life but something still remains missing and that is love.  Give me a chance, please.  I won’t fail you.  Let’s start anew, afresh, let’s start over.  Hello nice to meet you.  I am John McBain.  What is your name?

“My name is Alexandria Victoria Ambrose of London.  Nice to me you Mr. McBain.”

“See that wasn’t so hard.  Now let’s talk about your moving to London.  The FBI has an office in London and so I will apply for a transfer to that office.  As a matter of fact I was there some time ago and thought that I saw your Uncle Clay.”

“You may have seen Uncle Stephen.  He’s Uncle Clay’s twin brother.  He’s been out of touch with the family for years and made a life for himself overseas.  I owe my life to him John.  He understands what it is to start a new life in a new place and leave your old life behind. Can you really do that John? Can you start anew?”

“Do you have a different answer to my question three yet?”

“Well usually when a man asks a woman that question they have a ring and are bending on one knee.  You had neither so why should I shortchange myself and give you an answer when you did not properly ask the question?”

“How long are you in Atlantic City?”

“I drive back to DC on Sunday.  Why do you ask?”

“So can I come back her tomorrow and ask you the question properly?”

“I don’t want a ring from a gumball machine John.”

“You won’t get a ring from a gumball machine young lady.  I know Atlantic City and I have my resources so just tell me that I can come back tomorrow and ask the question.”

“You can come back but you may still get the same answer.  You haven’t said anything about what you’ve done in the intervening years.”

“Oh I can give you the highlights in one sentence.  Natalie and I are not together but we have a son named Liam. Oh maybe I need two sentences. Liam spends time with me so I will have to fly him over to London to spend time with us when it’s my time to have him.  Are you okay with that?”

“Do you have a picture of him?”

“Yes I do.  Here take a look.”

I pass the picture to her and she looks at it and gives it back to me.

“Do you want other children John?”

“Yes I want other children with you.  So will you say yes to my proposal?”

“Well technically you have not officially proposed so no I can’t say yes without an official proposal.”

“I don’t want to leave you here.  I think that you will disappear and I will never see you again.  Can I stay here on the sofa tonight and you can go with me to pick out your ring tomorrow and I can propose to you and you can say yes and we can get married while your Uncle Stephen is here and we can move back to London together and we can honeymoon before you start your new job and we can get started on the children we will have?”

“My you are in a hurry McBain.”

“No I am desperate to have you in my life. I lost you once I won’t make that mistake again.  Anyway, Michael is in town.  Your Uncle is in town.  My mother lives in town.  It is the perfect time don’t you agree?”

“Let me call my uncle and have him come up to meet you and we can discuss it with him because I highly value his opinion.”

I call Uncle Stephen and he comes quickly to my room.  I introduce him to John and tell him everything.   He agrees with John that we should get married this weekend since everyone is here.  Michael can serve as best man, Uncle Stephen can give me away and John’s mother can attend.  Uncle Stephen has a surprise for us.  One of his partners plans to propose to his lady friend and came her to talk with her sons.  John asked the name of Uncle Stephen’s partner and he said Carstairs. John smiled and said that Mr. Carstairs asked him for his mother’s hand in marriage.  It is a small world after all.  Uncle Stephen suggests that John go to his mother’s house for clothes and return to the hotel.  Uncle Stephen will take me wedding dress shopping in the morning and will arrange the wedding to take place tomorrow evening.  John said that he will ask his mother to accompany me dress shopping to save Uncle Stephen that chore.  Uncle Stephen agreed but insisted on taking care of the wedding dress and the wedding.

And everything fell into place and now here I stand waiting to walk into the chapel. Alexandria Victoria Ambrose will now marry John McBain.  I have never been happier and look forward to what the future holds. It goes without saying that Michael McBain was dumbstruck when he saw me but he was so happy for me and for his brother.

“You don’t know how happy I am that you survived.  You were always the one for my brother and it goes without saying that I am overjoyed that you two will have a life together.  I am so honored to be a part of this.”

“Thank you Michael.”

After the wedding we share a private reception in one of the hotel’s conference rooms. Uncle Stephen knows that soon I will have to ‘reach out’ but not now.  I don’t want anything to spoil this moment.  He understands and says that he will handle it once I move back to London.  He will explain his reasoning and emphasize that no one is to pressure me about any of my decisions.  

“You are mine now Mrs. McBain, all mine”

“As you are mine Mr. McBain.  Are you happy John?”

“More that I have ever been.  I love you more than I can say.”

“I know neither of us have voiced it since we met again but I know that you think it.  It’s all right if you slip up sometimes it’s okay.  It will always remain a part of me but I am no longer her.  Can you understand that?”

“Whatever you want from me you will have.  I love you Alexandria Victoria Ambrose McBain.  I will always love you.”

“All right then.  Let’s say it together.”

And so they do, 

“Alexandria Victoria Ambrose McBain, formerly known as Evangeline Williamson.”

@@@@@@@@@

Two years later Alexandria and John are thriving in their jobs in London and in their personal lives.  Now they are the parents to twins, Gregory and Johanna.  Alexandria did ‘reach out’ and her mother, sister and Uncle Clay were there for the birth of the twins.  Uncle Stephen reconnected with his twin brother and everyone is so thrilled that Alexandria (Evangeline) survived.  They vowed to support her in all of her endeavors and welcomed John into the family.

The End