Once a year we were allowed to meet. It was always over too soon. I hated saying goodbye. Why couldn’t he be better? Why couldn’t I be worse? My world was a paradise. All that was missing was him.

He didn’t talk about his life much. I didn’t ask questions. I knew what went on. Heard the stories. Tried not to imagine what he had to go through. It made me hate him more. He could’ve been with me. All he had to do was try harder. Was being good really so hard? 

Fraud. Drugs. Theft. I know he did it for me. For all of us. I didn’t know until he died. Of course I had my suspicions but he’d always been innovative in making money. To be honest, I was in denial. I could ignore the signs as long as I had no physical proof. This was perfect for me until he was gone. 

The family business was in my name now. The lawyers made the transition smooth and I took my position with ease. I’d been boss for a few weeks before the other family business came looking for a new boss too. The second in command was in charge but he could only do so much. They needed a Banks. No one wants to do continuous business with a right hand man. So they told me everything. I was never supposed to find out. My cousin was meant to take over if my father had an untimely death but he was in prison. My uncle didn’t want to be a leader. My grandfather was too old. Grandmother too sick. Siblings too young. So that left me. 

I really tried to run it like they said he did. They did my every bidding. Didn’t second guess because they just knew my decisions were right. I was Banks’ daughter. I was born for this. That’s what I kept telling myself. Told myself that when I ordered men killed. Chanted it in my head when I made deals with mayors and police chiefs. Whispered it when I stood in a room surrounded by men I despised. 

I only last 6 months. We were making 110% of my father’s revenues but I hated myself. Couldn’t sleep. Couldn’t eat. My fake smile never looked so big. I thought about shutting it all down. Even made a plan but too many people depended on this. These funds sent children to college and paid off mortgages. It even paid my college tuition. I just didn’t know it at the time. 

I started to look for a replacement. It didn’t take long. A cousin of mine already knew this isn’t how I wanted to spend my life. She asked me straight out to take charge. She was actually perfect for the job. Too perfect. I worried she would lead the business deeper into darkness. Ruthless and calculating were two best words to describe her. She had to prove herself to me. I let her lead deals and kept track of the body count. It was minimal. Almost none existent. We merged our leadership styles and ran the business together. We had to ease me out. Couldn’t let the people know I was sick to my stomach and dying to get out. 10 months after taking charge I was finally free. I died less than a year later.

It’s funny how I had an ordinary death. I was crossing the street to my car. Class just let out and I was happy. I was back in school for a masters degree and working a full time legitimate job once again. The driver says he didn’t see me. Makes sense since he was texting at the time. Sending a message to let his wife know the meeting went long. I felt excruciating pain...and then nothing. 

The light was blinding. White all around me. I thought, “this couldn’t be right.” I was a crime boss for crying out loud. I told the big man as much when he welcomed me. He laughed and said this is where I belonged. I had attempted to right my wrongs and left that life in the past. It made no sense but I wasn’t going to argue. I settled in to my new life and waited for him to come and tell me it was a mistake. The time never came. 

The first time I saw my father I cried. I saw his green eyes through the gates. He moved swiftly through the crowd until he was at the very front. As soon as the gate swung open he had me in his arms. We didn’t say a word. I cried on his shoulder and he rocked us back and forth. I told him about everything that happened since his passing and he listened diligently. Even though he saw it all happen. I was angry but refused to spend my time arguing with him. 

That first meeting was spent with me asking questions and him answering. No lies. No deceit. He told me it was truly a family business. Passed from his father’s father to his father and then to him. He told me I was never supposed to know. He knew it was unfair but he wanted to protect me like his father never protected him. Said he never had a choice in his life path. Always knew this was it for him. That was what set me off. I told him he had a choice. He wasn’t the only Banks living. He stared me at for a while and agreed. He could’ve gave the position to someone else. Could’ve found his way out when I was born. But didn’t. He loved the business and his role in it. Didn’t want to give it up. Now he was paying the price and made peace with it. Until today. We would spend entirety apart. Only seeing each other once a year for some quick hugs, bickering, and bit of laughter. Part of me wishes that I stayed in the business. That way we would be together. Forever. I told him as much and never saw his face so pained. He said he’d rather spend eternity apart than have me spend one minute suffering down there with him. So once a year was all we had.