“Aren’t you miserable?” I stared outside of the window, my heart tied into knots. Her voice drifted out of my ear. The therapist had the nerve to ask me. Am. I. Miserable. I wanted to scream at her but my words would be wasted. As well as my emotion and energy. 

“What do you think?” I instead asked in a droll tone. The woman was quiet and wrote down everything I said. I kept quiet myself and waited until the session was up. I made my way back to my cell. 

The morning light streamed into my cell, giving the illusion of false hope and positivity and I despised the sun. Ever since my husband and baby were taken from me, my sun burned up into a black hole and withered away. I had gotten up early to work out. I had to keep my body fit and toned for when I broke out of this hell hole. A tap on my door stopped my mid push-up.

    “Time for your writing Xaen. Come on.” I wiped the sweat out of my eyes and off my face and neck and went to the door. The only solace that was granted. I think today I would further go into detail about how my life was before this point. I do not think I have told enough about my story. 

    I guess I should continue. The hatred between us had waned a bit but not enough to be completely gone. The changes within us were starting to be noticed. He started to go with his father to the Corporation and I was bid to stay home. At those times, even well into the future, societal and stereotypical female gender roles were practiced. I remember it like it was yesterday. Playing in the tall grasses around our abode. Not many citizens chose to live there. Not with the booming metropolises and ever changing technology. When did I change? When did everything I knew change? When did my affection for Gael take off and never return? 

    His hair flowed with the breeze. It was growing longer. He stood, tall and lithe. The sun blazed down on him and his body shone finely with perspiration. He sighed and set the blazer down. The wood neatly stacked and assembled to the side. He didn’t catch her staring at him. The male anatomy intrigued her. She observed the way his chest rose and fell with each breath he took of the air. Her eyes scanned every defined muscle, how they almost seemed perfect in place. Her eyes met the back of his neck. Hair wetly glued to his skin. She could feel a warmth blossom in her stomach and the unfamiliar heat traveled lower. She looked down at her body. It settled right in her womb. How could this place find heat? She didn’t notice him turn. 

    “You never were very good at hiding Xaen.” She popped her head up and peeked at him behind the sparse weeds. 

    “How..” She shut her mouth. Perhaps, she did not settle on the best hiding spot. 

    “Come out.” She slowly stepped into the clearing where he could see her. The wind picked up and her dreads danced in the wind. 

    “What are you doing there?” 

    “Nothing.” He eyed her, his gaze never ceasing to wan in intensity. 

    “Xaen,” 

    “I was mistaken. I lost my way.” He watched her as she fixed an emotionless expression on her face and walked away from him. He smiled softly. 

It was there that I fell in love with him. I felt it in my chest. I was too stubborn to admit it however. I wanted to keep some sort of familiarity between us. At the time, I did not understand myself what was going on. I did not know then what I know now. As I reflect back on it now, it brings a smile to my face. So young. So very young. 

    “Son, let me have a word with you.” Gael looked up into his father’s eyes. Eyes so very much like his. 

    “Yes Father.” He had been raised in a rigid way. But… he wanted to break out. The freedom inside him wanted to burst. He wanted his own identity. 

    “Let me talk to you about Xaen.” At the mention of her name, heat fell on his cheeks and he looked away. 

    “You are of age now where you can marry her.” He swallowed. 

    “Father, I do not understand. Why were we betrothed at all?” 

    “That was the way of things. The ancient way.” It was time to make a new way. A new path. 

    “It is now into the future Father. Perhaps we should invent and create our own way of life.” His father looked at him incredulously. 

    “Gael! What is this you are speaking?” He looked away with a wry smile. 

    “I was just suggesting an idea Father.” His father grumbled before he continued. 

    “I want to talk to you about intercourse.” The thought of having intercourse with Xaen made his whole entire face grow red. 

    “F-father-”

    “It is time you know. Soon, you will marry Xaen. You will need to know what to do. And where.” He looked down. 

    “I assume you know what it is.” 

    “Yes, I have been properly educated on the matter.” 

    “Ah. Let me tell you from experience then.” This subject was making him slightly uncomfortable. 

    “This night son, you will become a man. All that you have done and all that you were will no longer exist. You will be one with your wife. In the most literal sense. All that she is will become you and you her. Does this compute?” 

    “Yes.” 

    “This action will create offspring. This action will be enjoyable to you both.” He swallowed and nodded. 

    “Have intercourse with no other but Xaen. You are trusted with her physical body and her you. You do not belong to yourself any longer. And she does not belong to herself either. Do you compute?” Again, he nodded. He understood. 

    “This action is something that God has bestowed upon marriage to share. Perform it wisely.” 

    “Yes Father.” 

    “You are aware of the female anatomy correct?” The blush on his face returned. 

    “Yes.” His father then proceeded to tell him of the secrets of the woman. He listened closely. 

    “Are you all right Son?” 

    “Yes Father.” 

    “Now you are ready. I have prepared you well.”  He got up and pat his back. 

Likewise, my mother sat me down to talk to me about my duties as well. When I think back on it, I never quite fulfilled them. Our marriage was less than traditional. Perhaps because we were of the new generation. The wise stuck to their ways. It was always the young who desired to break free. 

    “Xaen,” She looked into the kitchen where her mother was preparing food. 

    “Yes mother?” 

    “Come here.” She came into the kitchen and watched as her mother cut up some carrot. 

    “What do you think about Gael?” The question took her back by surprise and she felt her face heat. She tried to keep composure.

    “What is there to know about him? He is the man you have told me I must marry.” 

    “You feel that emotionless towards him?” 

    “How am I to feel?” Her mother continued to chop carrots and briefly looked at her. 

    “He is growing. He is starting to look like a young man. And you are not a little girl anymore.” She had already started to notice. 

    “Mother,” 

    “Xaen,” She had stopped cutting the carrots and turned to look at her. 

    “You are a young woman now. And this is the time you start seeings things about young men. Noticing things. Now is the time you start to think and feel things.” She swallowed. 

    “Mother…” 

    “You will be married to him. That young man. You do not have to tell me. I know you feel something. I was once young.” She smiled softly as her mother nudged her. 

    “He is… He has grown to be very handsome.” 

    “And?” 

    “Tall.” 

    “And?” 

    “And what?” 

    “Do you desire him?” Her cheeks grew warm. 

    “Desire…him?” Her mother smiled softly and took her hand. 

    “You are young still. You may not know. The warmth… has it drifted to your womb?” She looked up at her mother in shock. Was… that feeling she felt back then.. desire? 

    “Ah, you have.” 

    “This feeling… is desire? What is it?” 

    “Let’s sit down.” She led her to the porch outside and a warm breeze welcomed them. Sitting on the Chair, she sighed. 

    “It is okay to desire him Xaen. Do not fight it. He will be your husband. It is only natural. Knowing this, we must make sure we keep you apart until then.” 

    “We will act on this feeling?” 

    “Ah, yes.” Her eyes grew wide as if she couldn’t perceive it. 

    “I do not understand.” 

    “When you wed, my child… you will consummate. You will become one flesh.” She listened intently. 

    “He will touch you. And you will let him. After the union is made. You might feel some discomfort but that is only because you have not had a man before Xaen.” 

    “Wait…. touch? Union?” 

    “Yes my child. You will become one. It is unity in the most literal sense.” 

    “Unity…” Silence then… 

    “Mother?” 

    “Yes?” 

    “Will it hurt?” She had heard from the other girls at her institution of education.

    “A little bit. But we are like clay. Moldable and pliable. We women can be the most beautiful and artistic.” 

    “What does that mean?” 

    “You shall mold and shape him.” 

    “Ah,” 

    “My dear, see the clouds?” She pointed outside the window.

    “Yes.” 

    “You will touch them, taste them and dwell on them. It is such an indecribable feeling; a connection of spirits, souls and bodies. One that is meant only to be shared with your husband. None other.” 

    “Gael shall give me this feeling? What will be his reward?” Her mother laughed. 

    “His reward shall be you. Your loyalty, love, respect, obedience and your spirit.”

    “Will he feel the same as I?” 

    “Yes my dear. He shall be connected in the deepest level to you and you to him.” She felt her cheeks grow hot but pressed her forehead against her mother’s shoulder. 

    “Mother, I am frightened. I am just a girl. What do I know of marriage? What do I know of men?” Her mother clucked her tongue and gently laid a hand on her hair. 

    “I know sweet girl. I was once your age. And I too was once frightened. I met your father and  married him. The night of our consummation, he had pulled me close and for a long while we were silent. He spoke over me and said this: As your husband, I shall protect you all the days of your life. I shall take away the fear that may overtake you in the night. I shall hold you as tenderly and gently as a rose and my heart shall remain yours until the day I leave this world. I entrust my body and soul to you and I have been blessed to have been entrusted with yours.”  She listened intently and wrapped an arm around her mother’s waist as she continued, 

    “ It was then that I knew everything would be all right Xaen. I’ve never regretted marrying your father nor have I looked back. I love him with all of my being. So you shall be with Gael. He is a good young man. He will honor you and cherish you. He will be the Man who shall bring you happiness.” 

    “M-Mother… how… how do you know?” 

    “I know him. I know you. I’ve watched him with you Xaen. You two are good for each other.” She sighed and closed her eyes. 

    “Have I a say in this? At all?” Her mother turned and smoothed some hair out of her face. 

    “A say? Do you not trust our judgements for your future mate?” 

    “But Mother… what if I wanted to marry someone else? Would I not be allowed to choose my own destiny?” She smiled softly. 

    “My child, how bright you are. You may do what you feel is right. Do not be a fool in your decisions. Your spirit knows before anything else. If you feel in your spirit that Gael is not the right one, then act accordingly.” She nodded and smiled up at her. Her mother’s wisdom was boundless and she was so grateful for it. 

    “I do not think I am afraid any more. I trust that you and Father have found a man who shall be all that he can for me and for our family. And… I shall see for myself.” 

    “Good girl. Now, let’s finish dinner before the men come home.” She smirked and sighed in contentment. 

Oh how good life was back then. So simple. Free. How I desired a life like that again.  Gael, our son and I… Indeed, I did find out that Gael was the right man for me. He is the only man for me. I remember the day we came clean of our feelings. We had been fighting each other left and right. And one day… one day we settled it once and for all. How that day lingers in my mind. It is one I shall never forget. 

    “Xaen, time’s up for today.” I sighed and placed my pen on the table. 

    “Say, you’ve kept to yourself here and haven’t bothered anyone. Would you like to meet with the Head Warden?” I looked up at the guard. 

    “To do what exactly?” The woman looked flabbergasted. 

    “Wouldn’t you like time off of your sentence?” 

    “Is that even possible? Time off of a life sentence?” 

    “Hey, anything is better than nothing.” I looked down at my hands and comtemplated my decision. The words of my mother resounded deep in my mind. Be wise. Go with what you feel in your spirit! 

    “I suppose.” 

    “Is that a yes?” 

    “Yes.” She handcuffed my hands and helped me stand up. 

    “I’ll see what I can do.” If I could get on their good side, they would not see my escape possible. They wouldn’t even think I would want to nor be able to. I yearned to smell the fresh air and feel the sun on my face. It would not be Gael but… It would be enough. For now. I could not and would not give up the fight. I would live. I would get of here. And I would get even.