Ever since she could remember, she’d always been teased. She’d always been chubby, even as a baby. Her fat once seen as cute quickly became a source of disgust and that’s when the bullying began. She’d always been called fatty cakes or chub chub fondly by her mother and even still… even now… her mother was the only one who hadn’t made her cry or feel like shit. But it was them damn aunties, uncles and naysayers that was the problem. She could feel the eyes all on her and it was starting to make her sweat. It never failed. As soon as she put on something cute there came all the staring. It was like she wasn’t allowed to be stylish or attractive. 

    She bit the inside of her cheek and pulled down the spandex shorts that stretched across her ample thighs. Today, she was not going to apologize. It was her right to look and feel beautiful. 

    “Leah Williams?” She turned to see a curvy brown skin woman gawking at her. 

    “Yeah?” She replied to the woman, taking off her sunglasses to get a better look at her. 

    “You use to go to Thomas Jefferson High right?” 

    “Yeah…” She drifted her gaze down her again. 

    “You are?”

    “Majorie James! We use to be in 1st and 5th periods together!” Twisting up her lips, she curled her hands up into fists. Ah yes. Marjorie James. How the hell could she forget? The once skinny yet pretty cheerleader that made her high school days hell. Licking her teeth, she tried to give a friendly smile but all that came out was a deep frown. 

    “Yeah I remember you.” Even her voice was icy and at the moment, she didn’t give a shit. Marjorie’s fake plastic smile faded and she cleared her throat. 

    “I know it’s probably not a welcome sight seein me again after all these years. What with how our history in high school was.”

    “You right about that.” The woman seemed to flinch and if she wasn’t reliving the memories in her head, she’d have thought it funny. Marjorie James flinching. At her. 

    “Lee…listen…”

    “Leah to you. We wasn’t friends like that.”

    “Okay…Leah. Look…um…I um… wanted to say sorry you know. For what I did in high school.” 

    “Why apologize now? You ain’t seen me since high school and waited all this time. Girl please. You only apologizin cause we face to face again.” She sucked her teeth and onced her over one last time. 

    “Funny that you used to bully the hell out of me about bein big. And here you are with some meat on yo bones.” She slipped her glasses up over her eyes again and tried her damndest to appear confident as she walked away from her, making sure there was an extra little switch in her hips. 

    “Big bitch.” She heard her mutter underneath her breath as she huffed, walking away from her retreating form. And that there folks was why you ain’t trust a fake plastic lookin bitch. They all told lies. No matter how flat they stomach was or how perky they titties was. 

    Swallowing, she entered the small clinic, more than anxious for her appointment. Feeling each eyeball shoot into her like daggers, she clutched her purse. A friendly looking woman smiled as she approached the front desk. 

    “Here to see Dr. Syprogti?”

    “Yeah.”

    “Your name?”

    “Leah Williams.”

    “Ah. Perfect. He instructed me to send you straight back the minute you came in. Follow me.” She let the eyes drift across her as she followed the woman into the frigid examination room. 

    “Take a seat please. He will be right with you.” Aquiescing, she crossed her ankles together and tried to wipe the sweat from her palms. These visits always ended up in tears and this time she had promised herself that she wouldn’t shed not one. 

    “Leah Williams?”

    “That’s me.” A stern older man came into the office and shut the door. 

    “Welcome back.” 

    “Thanks.” He sat down adjacent from her. 

    “The last time we spoke we discussed a dietary plan and a weight loss plan.” He drug his eyes down across her and she swore to God his eyes felt like needles stabbing each and every roll she possessed on her body. 

    “From what I’m seeing, not much progress has been made.” 

    “Excuse me? How the hell you know that just by looking at me?” The man didn’t answer at first, instead going to read over her chart. 

    “Being 4’11” Leah you should weight less than 145 lbs which is what you weighted last time you stood on a scale. We discussed a weight loss target of at least 20 to 25 pounds.” Syprogti at her.

    “We shall see when you get on the scale.” Sucking her teeth, she threw her purse down and stood. 

    “Let’s get this shit over with.”  Stepping on the nearby scale, she felt anger spread through her like lightening and then those three numbers came back at her, they laughed at her, taunted her. 153.0 lbs.  Syprogti tsked and began scribbling the fact that she’d gained weight in her chart. 

    “This is not good. Not good at all.” 

    “Look, I work out and I eat the best I can okay?” The man sighed and slid hands into his pockets. 

    “This is your fourth visit to my clinic Leah. You haven’t progressed not one bit. If anything, you’ve only gained more weight each and every time you’ve come in here.” Frowning, those shrewd eyes drifted across her frame once again. 

    “The facts are the facts. You are considered morbidly obese Leah. And at the rate you’re going, you will die before you reach 35. If that’s the kind of life you want then be my guest. But I am a very busy man who has more important things to do than waste my time on people who don’t want to live healthy lives.” Closing her chart folder, he frowned deeply, lips a stark white. 

    “Either you shed the excess fat and take this weight loss journey seriously or don’t and suffer the consequences.” She didn’t mean to but she winced at the ‘f’ word. Call it instinct. He got up and excused himself from the small examination room. Frozen, she couldn’t will herself to move and as hard as she tried not to, tears had welled up and fallen down her cheeks. 

*** 

    “Lee you gon break the scale!”

    “Ion know why you even getting on it! You already know you’re fat!” Gathering up the hurt, she still willed herself to stand on the scale in the girl’s locker room, hoping to see some form of improvement. Nasty laughter and chattering threatened to infiltrate her focus and she clenched her fists tight together as she waited for the numbers to come back. 

     “What a whale!” 

    “If she got rid of all that fat around her stomach, she’d actually be kinda cute.” 

    “Yo, you should see her in the cafeteria! That girl eats like nobody’s business! It’s disgusting to look at.” There. The numbers came back but they made her heart drop into the soles of her feet. 125 lbs. 

    “Oop she gained y’all! All them damn chicken wings!” The group of girls started hollering and she felt her eyes well up with tears. 

    “Face it Lee. One of yo thighs equals both of mine.” Lifting eyes upward, she saw Majorie James, head cheerleader and school slut standing there, hands on her non existent hips. 

    “Guess you gon be fat forever huh? Po thing. Move outta my damn way moo moo bitch!” She hissed, shoving her out the way. When she hit the ground, she let out a pained cry and soaked up the cruel laughter of the skinny girls around her. 

    “Y’all feel the floor shake when she fell?”

    “Bruh, ain’t nobody gon want that fat funky pussy either. She a lost cause.”

    “Y’all missed it! I caught a whiff of her ass one day after swim practice! Baby, when I tell you it smelt like somethin crawled up in her butthole and died…” The girls soon faded from view and she laid on the floor, watery eyes finding the scale. Whatever it took. She’d become skinny even if it killed her. 

*** 

    “Lee, don’t cry baby. That doctor just an insensitive asshole.” She tried to conceal the tears in her voice as she answered. 

    “Ma, it’s fine. It ain’t nothin I ain’t used to.”

    “Still. He ain’t have to be that damn harsh about it.” Licking her lips, she wiped her leaking eyes. 

    “It’s cool. I mean, bein fat ain’t the worst thing that could happen.” Her mother made a disapproving sound. 

    “Lee, you are my child and you are beautiful. No matter what society tells you.” She smiled against the phone as she wiped her eyes, grateful for her mother’s words. But even still, it didn’t do a damn thing to lessen the pain. 

    “Thanks Ma.” 

    “You welcome baby.” Sucking up her tears, she forced them down her throat and made a swift exit out of the clinic. 

    “Ma, I gotta go. I call you when I make it back into the house.”

    “Okay sweetheart. Don’t let that asshole destroy your day. Member what I told you.”

    “Yes ma’am.” Hanging up, she quickly closed herself up in her car and once inside, she felt safe again. Safe from the outside, the eyes, the whispers, the staring. It pissed her off that even after all this time, she was still affected. It still bothered her even after she’d worked so hard to build up her self esteem. But just like that, with one word, it could all come crumbling down. Glancing down at her thighs, she swallowed tightly. She remembered the 14 year old Leah Williams that drug knives, pins and scissors across her thighs and stomach, hoping that she could cut away the fat flesh that ruined her life. She remembered the 16 year old Leah Williams who thought the only way she could get male attention was if she hid behind the bleachers after games, mouth full of sweaty dick. 

    Starting the car, she pulled out of the parking lot and made her way home. She was 28 year old Leah Williams and she was gonna get dolled up and get drunk. Grind on some horny dick maybe. Sleep it off the next day and act like it never happened. She was going to be in control, no matter what. Because without control, what did she have?