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Story Notes:

Hero has an unexpected rencounter her past.




Author's Chapter Notes:

Hello!

 

So, this here is the very, very first story I ever wrote. It was some time ago. Again, I must ask you to forgive my mistakes since English is not my first language (and this was my first attempt at writing something. Chapter 1 is the most raw one). There's 4 parts. All here already.

Someone told me about this site and I must say I REALLY love it. (I loved the readers here!) Specially since I can cast my celebrity crushes and force them to be my characters!

 

HERO

 

HERO

 

 

FINN

FINN




Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.


CHAPTER 1: TEN YEARS AFTER

 

I was staring at my closet not knowing what to wear to Mr. Mulinski party. I wanted something sexy to make me feel confident. I wanted to turn heads and have eyes follow me around the room. Something to boost my ego. Something to tell me that even though Lucian didn’t want me anymore, there were men out there who wished they could get their hands on me. Even for just one night. And to be honest, I actually planned on letting someone put their hands on me tonight.  My eyes fell on a white dress I had bought years ago, but never worn.

 

A white dress. Someone used to tell me I looked beautiful in white.

 

"I love your skin in that white dress."

 

I shook my head as if to drive the memory away. With the divorce and everything I had been thinking a lot about the past these few months. Thinking about how everything went wrong so many years ago, and how it still affected my life to this day.

 

Making up my mind and deciding not overthink anything tonight, I proceeded to get ready. I got my white dress on, took my time applying my makeup and made sure to put on the reddest lipstick I owned before going down the stairs.  

 

Lucian was in his office, packing his books. Something he was supposed to have done weeks ago. When I came in he froze, his mouth was hanging open.

 

The spaghetti strap white dress I chose was knee length and very tight on my curves due to all the comfort food I had been eating throughout the divorce process. The cut was low and I felt my breasts straining whenever I breathed too deeply.

 

“I’m leaving or I’ll be late. Can you lock?” I said to him, my body already half turned towards the door.

 

He just stared dumbly at me. I could see his green eyes darkening as they roamed over my breasts.

 

I smiled. Good. That was the reaction I was aiming for. But not from him.

 

“Do.You.Still.Have.Your.Keys?” I asked again very slowly, punctuating every word to make myself clearer.

 

The sound of me voice brought Lucian back from his trance. “Yes.” He said, clearing his throat.

 

Wishing he wouldn’t still be here when I returned, I put my coat on and I was already by the door when he said on my back.

 

“Are you spreading your legs tonight?”

 

I froze with a hand on the doorknob before I turned around, threw my keys on the couch and went back to his office - where he was still packing - and started a fight that ended up with the police knocking on the door after a neighbor called, alarmed by the screams.

 

As I result I was, not so fashionably, very late by the time I left.

 

****

 

I stepped out the tube station cursing under my breath. I was very, very late. Walking as fast as my stilettos would allow me to, I tried to flee the cold January air blowing in my face like a million pins prickling my skin.

 

I hated the cold.

I hated London’s whether.

I hated Lucian. Hated him most of all.

 

I kept replaying the fight we’d just had before I left home. He had been gone for a month, but chose tonight to come back to pack the rest of his things. We’d actually had what is called an amicable divorce process. He took the car, but agreed to let me keep the house, and even our dog, Massie. The thing he really wanted the most was to get away from me.

More than anything I refused to act like the bitter betrayed woman who would try and get back at him by taking everything he owned in the divorce. Fuck him.

He could have walked away with everything for all I cared. All I wanted was to be free from the title of his wife, and he could go on and be happy shagging my intern until death did them part.

 

I turned a corner and spotted Mr. Mulinski - now new - old Victorian mansion. I had worked on the restoration of that house for two years, time in which my marriage and everything I thought was my life crumbled to dust.

 

****

TWO MONTHS AGO

 

“You can’t just blame me for this, Hero! This is as much your fault as it is mine!” Lucian threw his words at me like knives.

“Are you saying is my bloody fault you shagged my fucking intern?! Did I make you fuck her against your will, my darling?!”

My mother’s latin blood was always very evident on me whenever the worst of my temper came to surface. An hour ago I had walked into Lucian’s office to find my nineteen-year-old intern’s legs up on his shoulders, while she screamed like a bloody porn star.

After the initial shock, for the briefest of seconds, I felt the pain of betrayal, but that was immediately replaced by the most genuine urge of laughter I’ve ever had in life. I always laugh in the wrongest of situations. It was almost pathological.

I stood there, by the opened door, laughing so hard my body shook and I had to bend down. The muscles on my abdomen hurting with the effort. I didn’t even notice when the girl rushed past me and left until Lucian started muttering words like “You are insane” while he looked for his pants.

Next thing I knew I had slapped him across the face with all the strength I could master before leaving and telling him he’d hear from my lawyer.

And then my pathetic marriage was over. Just like that.

 

****

 

Inside the mansion, I gave my coat to a nice looking young man in the foyer. I had spent so much time in that place it felt strangely like home to me. Admiring the general view I wandered around looking at rooms which were filled with rich people looking their best.

 

Mr. Mulinski was an important man. Important meaning filthy rich. He owned an import/export company and brought me Brazilian coffee every time we had a meeting to talk about the details of the restoration.

 

As I walked through the rooms the dress had the expected effect, to my delight, on most of the man present, and some of the women too. They looked at me for a moment too long for it to be considered mere curiosity. I saw eyes roaming over my curves with looks of lust, admiration, desire, envy...

 

I knew myself to me an attractive woman. I had enough confidence to admit that. I liked to take care of myself and always look my best. I did it for me, for love of myself, but still couldn’t deny it felt fantastic to have other people acknowledge I looked good. Nonetheless, I also knew beauty is on the eye of the beholder and I might not be the ideal looking woman to some people. I had chosen to let my thick mane of black hair loose, and now and then I touched my curls to make sure they were still behaving. The white dress made the golden brown of my skin stand out.

As content as I felt with my appearance, anger was  crawling under my skin. Lucian had called me a whore.  I was the whore when he was the one sleeping with nineteen year old interns. So I figured I could dilute the anger running through my veins with some alcohol. With that in mind I went for the bar. Behind it was a tall, bulky bartender wearing a red bow tie.

“How can I serve you, Miss?” The man’s voice was deep, and I could tell he was Scottish by the way his r’s purred. He was staring at me intently with a lecherous look on his amber eyes.

I was a terrible person to flirt with. I didn’t know how to behave under such circumstances. So when the handsome bartender asked me how he could serve me, I laughed a loose, spontaneous laugh to hide my awkwardness.

“You could serve me,” I started, eyeing him amused. “By giving me a shot of vodka and a glass filled up to the rim with Pinot Noir.”

His smile was wide and contagious.  “Wouldn’t you like anything else?” He said as he slid me my shot, and the ambiguity of his words was not lost on me, but I ignored it.

Nobody ever downed a shot as fast as I did that one.  I glanced up at the bartender and his amused eyes were wide as saucers. I licked my lips.

 

“I can see you really needed that.” He said.

 

“Oh, you have no fucking idea.” I replied sincerely, taking a generous sip of my wine. The liquid had hardly reached my stomach when Mr. Mulinski spoke from behind me.

 

“Ah! Mrs. Connors!”

 

I winced.  “Oh, no, Mr. Mulinski,” I said, turning around to face him. “Call me Hero, please.”

 

I was no longer Mrs. Connors, and most definitely would not stand being called that anymore.

 

“As you wish, my darling. I’m just so glad you came.” He said taking my hand and kissing it with affectation.

Affectation was the one word to describe Mr. Mulinski. He was a man in his late fifties, unmarried, filthy rich, and liked to wear unusually colored suits. The present one was a dark, deep purple accompanied of a yellow tie.

“Oh, you look astonishing, as ever!” He clapped his hands together and looked up and down my body, his gaze lingering on my breasts. “I must introduce you to Vanessa! She loved your work and wants you to work on our cottage!”

 

“I’m sorry, Sr. Who’s Vanessa?” I asked confused.

 

“Well, my companion, of course.” He replied as if it were obvious and I was an idiot for not knowing that.

 

“Oh, of course.” I’m not sure I completely hid the surprise in my voice.  If I had to guess I’d never say  his companion would be a woman.

 

Mr. Mulinski offered me an arm and I took it, happily. My glass of wine secured on my other hand. We went up the stairs and he led me up to my favorite part of the house.

Upstairs there was a glass dome right in the center of the house. When he took me there the first time the thing was nothing but a hole in the ceiling, but I fell in love with the idea of the sunlight penetrating the colorful glass and turning that room into a magical, ethereal place. A place one could go to to run away from real life. Right now, the only lights illuminating the room were the artificial ones and the magic was lost, but I saw a few faces looking up in admiration all the same.

Mr. Mulinski walked us towards a group of women talking, gathered by a hearth which was rendered to a decorative item these days.

 

“Vanessa, my dear.”  He called, and a woman dressed in a lovely black, lace dress whirled around.

 

She was at least ten years younger than him, for sure. The lines marking her face were softer than the ones on his. Her eyes were the softest brown and they lit up immediately when she saw him.

 

“Oliver.” She sung in a sweet voice, beaming at him.

 

A sting of jealousy possessed me for an instant. What I wouldn’t give to feel what was necessary to look at a man like that. I don’t think I ever gave Lucian such a look of love and the thought made me feel a bit guilty.

 

I had always thought I loved Lucian. But when he cheated and the dominant feeling on me was hurt pride instead of a broken heart, I was forced to reconsider the idea that what I felt for him was actual love. After all I had married him just to fill a hole. Nothing like a new love to cure an old one. Greatest rubbish ever said.

 

“My dear, this is Hero. The architect who did this marvellous job.” Mr. Mulinski said as means of introducing me.

 

Vanessa directed her radiant smile at me, and I couldn’t help but to be warmed by it. I smiled back and she pulled me in for a quick, motherly hug.

 

“Oh, but you are truly talented, my darling! This house is absolute perfection.” She said as she let me go.

 

I smiled happily. At least, my professional life was going steady. “Thank you, Vanessa. Can I call you Vanessa?” I asked, unsure. I didn't know her to be a Miss or a Mrs. Something. But she was one of those people who made you feel comfortable around them, so I guessed she wouldn’t mind me being so blunt and intimate.

 

“Oh, of course, please. Call me Vanessa!” She squeezed my hand on hers. “Come here and let’s talk about a little cottage I’d like you to fix.”

 

We sat down on a small couch by a corner and talked fluidly for what felt like forever. In that time I emptied my glass of wine and was beginning to feel giddy and warm all over, only faintly aware of my laughter being too loud. Vanessa herself dranked what seemed to be champagne and her cheeks were pink against her pale skin.

 

I felt strangely comfortable talking to her, as if she were someone I’ve known forever. There was something about her; A familiarity in her voice and her soft brown eyes, which were slightly slanted, and gave her whole face a sophisticated and mysterious air. Had I ever met her before? Nah. She just had one of those faces.

 

I was laughing at something Vanessa had just told me when she fixated her eyes at something behind me.

 

“Ah! Come here, my dear!” She called, to what turned out to be a someone behind me, as she gesture for them to come closer.

 

In that moment, I could’ve had a billion random thoughts in my head. I could have been thinking about anything, but in that moment, that specific moment in time, the image of a familiar face I had not seen in ten years flashed in my mind, just like that, out of the blue. I thought of him sometimes, more seldomly now than I used to, but I thought of him. Still, when I turned around, I expected to see anyone, anyone in the whole wide world, but him.

 

Instantly all the air in my lungs vanished. I felt a burning behind my eyelids, the threatening of tears. Every single hair in my body prickled, I felt them rising from my scalp to my spine, and I shivered slightly. The only thing my body managed to do was keep my heart beating then, because when I tried to speak nothing came out. I took the deepest breath of my life and I spoke his name at the same time Vanessa was finishing her sentence.

 

“Hero, dear, this is my nephew-”

 

“Finn.” We both said.

 

I was afraid if I blinked a tear would fall and betray me. So I just kept my eyes widely open, gazing up at him as one would a ghost. Which was exactly what he was. A ghost.

 

Vanessa said something I heard but didn’t listen.

 

“Yes, we are acquainted. Hello, Hero.” I heard his voice. Had he said my name?

 

I didn’t registered any words. It was like watching a movie in a different language without any subtitles. I watched every scene carefully, but didn’t understand anything being said.

 

His eyes were what was so familiar about Vanessa. Those brown eyes which used to be the first thing I saw every morning when I woke up to find them staring at me with crinkles in their corners put there by his smile. A smile which I used to be the cause for.

 

Right now, there was no such thing as a smile in his eyes. I saw a flash of shock pass through them so quickly, someone who didn’t know those eyes so well wouldn’t have noticed. But I did. It was infinitesimal, but I saw when his lips went white and his eyes widened, right before it all faded and his face became a mask of indifference. Finn just looked right through me, nothing in his reactions suggesting that seeing me again was affecting him half as much as it affected me. None of the people around us would ever dream of thinking that once he’d had his lips on my skin whispering ‘I love you’ over and over again, or that I had run my hands over his wavy, dark hair while his head was in between my legs. Hundreds of memories flooded my h, and I shook my head, slowly, to clear it. I saw Finn’s lips move. I always loved his lips so much. They were so soft. So plump...   

 

Vanessa’s voice, speaking to him and then to me  forced my eyes to leave his face. “I’m sorry. What?” I asked, turning to her and blinking several times.

 

“I asked, are you alright? You seem to be a little...disturbed.” She was leaning towards me, her voice holding a hint of concern. But then she turned to Finn.

 

“Finland, dear. Can you get Hero a glass of water?”

 

“No, no, no! I’m fine!” I said too quickly, turning my head back to Finn. He stood there completely impassive. I couldn’t take that cold look in his eyes, not when it was directed at me. I turned back to Vanessa.

 

“I’m quite fine, really.” I said as I got up too quickly. I oscillated on my feet, but, before I could fall back to the couch, I felt Finn’ strong arms behind my back, steading me.

 

I spun in his arms and this close to  him I was able to smell his skin. He still smelled exactly the same. Like pine needles and that smell that was intrinsic to him, which triggered nostalgic feelings long forgotten in the back of my head. I remembered the way his smell would cling to my pillow even after he’d leave my bed. But mostly, I remembered how it felt to press my nose directly to his skin.

 

He was so close I felt his breath hot on my temple. His hooded brown eyes met my almond ones and I saw that he was thinking about same things I was. I could almost see the memories flashing behind his eyes, along with some other emotion I couldn’t quite put my finger on. Nostalgia or regretfulness, maybe. I wasn’t sure. But just as swiftly as he held me, he let me go. I felt a lump in my throat and cleared it before speaking.

 

“Will you excuse, please?” I dashed out of there and into the bathroom in a matter of milliseconds. I locked the door behind me and sank down on a seat inside the little room.

 

I couldn’t breath. I tried taking gulps of air in through my mouth, clutching onto the fabric of my dress over my stomach. I couldn’t tell whether the tears that started running down my face were due to the shock of seeing Finn or due to the pain I felt in my chest. It was a physical kind of pain as much as an emotional one.  There was a tightness there. It felt like it’d burst with the overwhelming wave of different emotions hitting me all at once. I felt anger, guilt, longing, happiness, sadness, regret, surprise, nostalgia, but most of all I felt miserable.

I had convinced myself I’d never see him again, and now here he was. He was back. I’d seen him, heard his voice, he said my name, I looked into his eyes and saw I was nothing to him now. He clearly had no lost love for me. If anything I was sure now he still blamed me for the past.

My heart was drumming in my ears. I took deep breaths, counted to ten and moved to the sink. I splashed some cold water on my face and looked at my reflexion in the mirror.

“Get a grip, Hero.” I demanded of myself. I fixed my makeup and opened the door only to almost collide with Vanessa outside.

“Oh!” She jumped, startled. “I was coming to check on you. Are you feeling better, my dear?” There was so much worry in her eyes. Eyes that looked so much like his.

 

“Yes, thank you, I’m much better. I just shouldn’t have skipped supper.” I replied politely, feeling bad for wanting to get away from her attentions.

 

“Maybe you should eat something and rest. Finn’s a doctor, he could examine you. Come, let me take you to the kitchen-”

 

“I think I’ll just go home, but thank you so much for your attention, Vanessa.” I interrupted her, knowing I was being blunt, but I just wanted to desperately get away. I took both her hands in mine and squeezed them, giving her a pleading, apologetical look, hoping she wouldn't think me too rude.

 

Home was the last place I wanted to go back to, tough. I didn’t want to go there and be on my own, sleeping on the bed I had shared with Lucian for eight fucking years. I would have too much time to think about Finn, about Lucian, and about how a single decision I had made so long ago might have been the reason why things were going so wrong in my life now.

 

I remembered Mr. Mulinski made a point of having a garden, and since I wasn’t much of a landscaper I had referred him to a good one I knew. After the remodeling of the house had been finished I just hadn’t had the time to see the final result. So I made my way to the back of the house, until I found the french doors that led into the garden. I opened them and stepped out into the night, locking the doors from the outside just in case someone would get the same idea I did.

 

Suddenly aware of a sharp pain in my feet I took my heels off and threw them in a dark corner.  “Bloody torturing things.” I muttered to the darkness.

 

The grass was wet and cold under my feet and I welcomed the refreshing feeling. I inhaled deeply the cool air of the night. It was very cold and I berated myself for not thinking of bringing my coat outside with me, but no way I’d go back for it for fear of meeting Mr. Mulinski, or Vanessa, or Finn. Specially Finn.

 

The only lights illuminating the garden were coming from the street lamps. Goosebumps rose all over my skin, and I ran my hands up and down my arms trying to create some heat through the friction.

What a stupid idea. Go out into a bloody mini jungle in the cold of a January night, without a coat, to reminisce old boyfriends gone wrong. I had already made up my mind to go home when I heard a shuffling noise. I froze instantly.  

Was someone else out there too?

As curiosity would have it I went looking  for the source of the noise. I went in deeper into the little garden that didn’t seem to be as little as I thought. More and more plants appeared. It was like a jungle in there. I pushed huge green leaves out of my way and I came into a clearing. There was a fountain in the middle of it. I noticed what looked like a bench behind the fountain so I went straight for it. I circled the fountain around and just when the little white bench came into view I saw him sitting there.

 

“Ow. Twice in one night. Will you look at that.” Finn’s voice didn’t show much of an emotion. If anything it sounded ironic and dry.

 

I froze. Fuck.

He was sitting right in the middle of the little bench occupying almost all of its space with his tall  body.

“Why are you here?” I blurted out what a knew to be a stupid question as soon as the words left my mouth.

 

He tilted his head my direction in slow motion. “I wanted some fresh air.” He said in a tone that suggested he didn’t think I had the right to ask him anything.

 

I watched him shove his hands inside the pockets of his huge and warm coat. Suddenly self-conscious, I shivered and crossed my arms over my chest. God, he looked warm. He was warm.

 

“Are you cold?” His question should have been a rhetorical one.  Obviously, I was cold out there on that dress with no coat on.

 

“Yes.” I answered flatly.

 

“Then why didn’t you bring a coat?” The way he said it just made me feel like an idiot and the expression on his face made me sure I was one.

As annoyed as I was beginning to feel, something warm settled in the bottom of my stomach when I saw an expression that wasn’t in the neighborhood of coldness and indifference in his face.

“I didn’t think of it.” I replied in a small voice.

Finn shook his head slightly and got up to his feet. He took two steps towards me and I stepped back reflexively. He eyed me with an expression that said ‘Really?’ and then he took his black coat off and dropped it over my shoulders. I went rigid at his unexpected action. I felt the weight of  the coat over me and felt better immediately. It was so warm and big, it could fit two of me inside of it.

“Take my coat or you’ll get a cold or freeze to death.” Nothing in the way he spoke hinted at special treatment. No, he would have given his coat to any cold stupid lady who’d have walked in here all arms and breasts exposed.

Still, it made me happy he’d give it to me of all people. In the few minutes we had been around each other I could tell he still hadn’t forgiven me. He still resented me and blamed me for something I still knew, today, wasn’t solely my fault. Even though I still felt guilty about  the whole thing.

“Thank you.” It was a whisper, barely audible.

The coat was imbued with his warmth. It dawned on me that a few seconds ago that coat had been over his shoulders, touching his skin, absorbing his scent. I sat down on the little bench and slumped beneath his coat, inhaling his scent on it. When I looked up at him, Finn was eyeing me with an arched brow, not ignorant to the fact I had been sniffling his coat.

I didn’t know what I expected he’d do then. Leave maybe, considering the coldness with which he had treated me when we met earlier. But I certainly did not expected him to sit beside me. Small as the sitting space was and as big as Finn was, there was no avoiding his arm brushing mine when he sat down. Even through the heavy fabric of his coat I could feel my skin electrifying with the contact. He was so close I could feel the heat that emanated from his skin.

“Won’t you be cold?” I asked when I realized he was only wearing a gray jacket over his blue dress shirt.

 

Finn put his hands around his ribs under his jacket. “No. I’m naturally warm.” He said.

 

“I know.” I said smiling to myself with the memory of feeling his warm body under my covers in the mornings. The words came out of my mouth before I could think. The tongue working faster than the brain.

 

He shifted awkwardly beside me. I had just stepped over a boundary. However intimate we had been once, that was ten years ago now.

 

“What are you doing out here, Finn?” I asked again, hoping this time I’d have an actual answer. I was amazed to find him out here. He wasn’t one for sitting outside in the cold night to watch the stars and think about life.

Somewhere deep inside a little voice kept telling me he was here for the same reason I was. Meeting me had stirred things up for him too, and he just came out to distract himself.

“I just needed a little time to think.” He didn’t look at me when he answered. His voice was soft and calm, as well as honest.

Finn brought his brown eyes yo to mine. There was a sad smile playing on his lips. Oh, I loved his lips. They had always been so plump, so soft, almost like a woman’s lips. Those were the most sensual lips I’d ever seen...or kissed.

“I didn’t expect to see you again, Hero.” He confessed out of the blue. I glanced at him, wide-eyed.  “Not ever.” He lowered his eyes to the ground.

I didn’t need to tell him how surprised I had been in seeing him again. I thought he’d never come back. I thought he’d continue to be a ghost.

“When did you come back?” It was the question I’d been wanting to ask since the minute I laid eyes on him.

He didn’t answer right away, still staring at his feet. “Six months ago.”

“Six months!” He snapped his head my direction when my voice came out too loud and cinic.

Six months. We had been living in the same city again for six months after being in opposite sides of the world for ten years and I didn’t have a clue. But I couldn’t have known. Nobody currently in my social circle knew about Finn and I. None of my friends, not even my mother. The only person who knew was my best friend, Tessa, who lived in germany now. Not a soul in this entire city could’ve told me about him being back. Once we parted I made a point of not talking about him. As if not talking would make the memory of him go away. It didn’t.

“Which hospital are you working on?”  I asked, after a brief period of silence.

 

“The Lambeth.”

 

“The Lambeth?!” I scoffed, my voice a mix of incredulity and surprise.

Finn furrowed his brows, and retorted with a cold “Yes.”

Somewhere from deep inside me a dark laugh surged. At the same time tears began escaping my eyes. Not tears of laughter; they were tears of bitterness, sadness, and complete amazement at how ridiculously ironic life was. When I turned my tear smeared face to Finn I noticed his expression was one of angry bewilderment.

I drew my brows together and tilted my head, scrutinizing his face with an obvious lack of subtleness. His hair was cut shorter than it used to be in college. His curls were now almost imperceptible, combed back forcefully with hair gel. His forehead was marked by two thin, subtle lines. He was too young for that, I though. But he still had that masculine beautiful face, his jaw and the lines of his face fit to compete with a roman sculpture, perceptible even under his stubble. My eyes sat on his lips and I let out a shaky breath mingled with a laugh. Finn shook his head slowly, not knowing what I was about.

“I take the tube at the Brixton Station every day.” My tears were as obvious in my voice as they were on my face. “Every single morning at 8 pm.”

His eyes went wide, he assumed a brooding expression and looked away, chuckling bitterly.

“I take it at Clapham North Station.” His voice was distant and low.

We took the tube in two different stations, a merely fifteen minute walk separated them. He worked in a hospital twenty blocks away from my house. We could’ve stumbled upon each other in the street any day. Still, for six months we had been so close, but unaware of each other’s presence. He knew I still lived in London but surely he didn’t know I lived so close to his working place. It was like a cruel joke from destiny.

Suddenly I felt like I needed to leave, otherwise I’d be sitting there reminiscing the past and cursing life’s coincidences for what was left of the night. I didn’t want the conversation to deepen. I didn’t want him to tell me about his life away, I didn’t want to know if he’d found someone, married someone, maybe. I didn’t want to have to tell him how fucked up my life had become. But mostly, I didn’t want to let him know I sometimes thought about what life would have been like had I stayed with him.

I stood to my feet and took his coat off. “Thank you for your coat.” I said, giving it back to him.  “I have to be going now.”

Finn didn’t look up at me. He just stared at his coat, his face a blank page. I allowed myself another minute to look at him, to study his face before leaving. I didn’t know when I’d see him again. I didn’t know if I would see him again.

“Bye, Finn. It was lovely to see you again. It really was.” I waited for him to say something back. Just a goodbye, but he didn’t. So I turned my back to him and walked back to find the doors that would lead me out.

When I reached the doors I remembered I was barefoot.  I found my shoes laying in some dark corner. With a hand on the wall for support, I bent down and was putting my second shoe on when I heard his voice coming from the darkness.

 

“Where do you live?”

 

I jumped at once, pressing my back to the wall. My heart skipping a beat. “Jesus Fuck, Finn! You startled me!”

 

“I’m sorry.” In the dim light I couldn’t make out his features, but I noticed in his voice he was short of breath. He seemed nervous. “I just...I’m driving. I have a car.”

“Alright.” Was he offering me a lift?

“I was just wondering, since you live nearby the hospital, you might be on my way home and I could offer you a lift if you want it.” He was speaking fast, nothing like the calm doctor voice he always used.

 

It was a tempting offer, but a dangerous one, too. The drive home would take thirty minutes, at least. What would we talk about trapped in a compact environment for half an hour? I wanted to say yes. I wanted with every fiber of my body to say yes and enjoy those extra minutes with him. I’d get to be trapped inside a car with him, his scent all over the place. But then again, we’d have the chance to talk about things I didn’t want to know.

 

“Do you think that would be wise, Finn?” I asked when my brain couldn’t decide between saying yes or no.

He sighed, running his hands through his hair and loosening some curls that were stick with hair gel. “I don’t know what it would be. That depends on your answer.”

I pondered that for a second too long. What was the worst that could happen?  We could dive in the past and stir things up, bring back all of that pain and regret from back then so it could join the pain and regret from now. Or, maybe we could talk and set things straight and be rid of ten years of wondering ‘what if’.

“Alright, then. Let’s go.” I said as fast as I could as not to give myself any time to change my mind.

He nodded and led me out the garden and back into the house. We sneaked out, trying not be seen by his aunt or Mr. Mulinski in order not to give them any explanations or chance for speculations as to why we were leaving together. I retrieved my coat at the foyer and put it on, feeling glad to be warm again. Outside, the wind had gotten meaner and I felt the tip of my nose numb from the walk to Finn’s car.

Inside, it was gloriously cosy. Whatever second thoughts I had about accepting his offer vanished away when I felt the heat seeping through my bones. Finn got in, shifting uncomfortably on his seat.

“Where do you live?” He asked shyly, clearing his throat.

“Oh, hmm, Loughborough Park.” I replied, nervously.

He turned on the engine and we left. Five minutes in none of us had said a word.  I had long ago started to feel awkward alone with him in a place that didn’t offer me a chance to escape. In my mind I kept replaying the last time we were in a car together. The last time we had been together at all.

 

Constantly I relived that day, and wondered secretly how different things could have been if one of us had had the guts to make the right decision, then. Whatever the right decision should have been. Unable to deal with more silence, I opened my mouth to speak at the same time Finn did.

“So, how do you-” I began.

“How have-” Finn’s words came out crashing with mine.

We both stopped, our mouths shut, before we both laughed awkwardly. Then we entered a ‘you go first’ contest, which I won.

“So, my aunt tells me you’re married.” I gaped at him and the bluntness of his question. “Yet, I don’t see a ring.” He had noticed. He had looked for a ring on my finger.

After the initial shock I smiled quietly. Subtleness was never one of Finn’s qualities. He has always been direct and blunt.

“Well, I’m not married.” When I spoke I stole a sideway glance at him, carefully examining his reaction to my answer. “Not anymore, anyway.”

He didn’t show much of a reaction, his lips just parted to form an “Ah” of understanding, but other than that he just watched the streets ahead.

“What happened?” Finn asked, turning quickly to look at me.

Again I smiled at his unmasked curiosity.  “Well, I-” I began, but stopped, letting out a laugh that sounded more like a scoff. “He just decided it would be a good idea to shag my nineteen year old intern while still being married to me.”

I laughed hard at Finn’s reaction. He turned his head my direction back and forth three times, his normally narrow eyes wide as saucers.

“You mean he bloody cheated on you?” I felt as if the corners of my lips could touch my ears when I heard the surprise in his voice.

“Yep.” I admitted.

Finn laughed a cynical laugh, deep in his throat. “Good riddance to you, then.” He said.

“Yeah.” I agreed. Good riddance indeed.

We fell into silence once more and I felt it was my turn to talk. “So, what about you?” I was dying to know if he had brought some long legged American girl back home with him, even though I dreaded the answer. I was happily entertaining the idea he had not, otherwise he would not have offered me a lift. But then again it was just a lift, it didn’t mean anything. Not a thing in the world.

“Ah, what do you mean? Am I married too?” When he spoke he turned flashing me an amused smile. My fingers twitched, longing to touch his lips.

“Well, yeah, that too. I mean how was life across the ocean? Did you...meet someone? How was your residency? Just...hum...how have you been since you left m-” I stopped short. On my nervous babbling I was going to say “since you left me”. But that was not how he saw things.

If Finn noticed my slip he didn’t let on, he just answered my question casually.  “Well, hum, the residency program was fantastic.” I heard his smile on his voice, his eyes looked ahead even though they seemed to be somewhere else as he spoke. “I had the opportunity to work with amazing people. My mentor, Dr. Ehrenberg, she was the head of cardiothoracic surgery there, is the best there is in the field. She took me in as an apprentice and I worked under her for five years. She taught me everything she knew, I got to do surgeries I could never dream of ever doing here. It was the best time of my life.” His enthusiasm as he told me about accomplishing his dream and becoming a heart surgeon, just confirmed what I always knew to be true. He had to leave. I wouldn't have liked him to miss such an opportunity.

When he looked at me I saw my favorite smile in the whole world. It was that smile, so wide it flashed his teeth, his crooked bottom teeth. I felt my chest tightening. I thought of everything he had just told me. He’d gotten everything he wanted. Finn had wanted to be a heart surgeon his whole life, and now he was.

My face fell and I looked away, out of my window, so he wouldn’t notice. To think I wished so badly he hadn’t gone away, or that I had not been so damn proud and gone with him. Apparently his life had worked much, much better than mine had this past ten years.

My career was fine. I was a partner at a successful architecture office. I loved my job, but my job was the only thing I had in life. It was all I had to love and keep me occupied.

“But, I,” I turned my face back to look at him when he continued talking after a pause. “I didn’t marry or anything. I mean, of course there were some women, but...just, for some reason I could never make it work with any of them.”

There had been some women. Of course there were. He was gorgeous,  ten years had gone by. I had married. What did I expected? That he’d be a celibate?

This time when he spoke I picked up a hint of bitterness and sadness in his voice. Secretly I felt a little happy for not being the only one with a fucked up love life.  “I’m sorry, Finn. But if it is any consolation, marriage it not all that’s cracked up to be.” I said, sounding apologetic.

“Or perhaps, we haven’t met the right people yet.” He said.

I laughed, a cynical loud sound. “You’re still a romantic, I see.”

“And you’re still a cynic.” He remarked.

“I speak from experience.” I retorted.

“Right, I’m sure you do.” Finn seemed to be distant, lost in thoughts when he said it.

I wanted to ask what he meant by that, but I just kept quiet. None of us spoke again until we stopped at a red light.

“Do you love him?”

“What?”

Finn turned his head my way, looking me intently in the eye. He spoke again slowly, his eyes widening, as he said each word separately, the way you speak to a child who still can’t understand words properly.

“Do.You.Love.Him? Your husband?”

I furrowed my brows, bewildered. Where the fuck was that coming from?

“Ex husband.” I corrected him. “And I don’t know.” My lips answered him automatically, without the assistance of my brain. I didn’t think of an answer, I just spoke it, the truth. I could never lie to him and get away with it, so I didn’t even try. “I’m not sure what I felt for him. I don’t think it was love. Not the way I understand it, anyway.” What I wanted to say was that I had never loved Lucian the way I had loved him.

Finn nodded, apparently satisfied with my answer. I waited, but he said nothing else. Why would he ask me such a question? He had been gone for a decade. He came back and never looked for me, and when he saw me he treated me with coldness and indifference and now he was asking questions about my failed marriage and who I was in love with?

“What did you ask me that for, Finn?”

He turned his attention from the road to me, a look of confusion painted in his dark eyes. He turned back to the road and then back to me again. “You just don’t seem to be very hurt by the end of your marriage.” He said matter-of-factly.

I scoffed at him.

Damn him. The bastard.

He had just cashed back into my life a second ago and was already meddling with my feelings. “What would you know about what hurts me?” My voice was sharp, my words accusatory. “You have been gone a long time, Finn. You don’t know me anymore!”

He laughed an ironic incredulous sound and stopped the car abruptly making our bodies lurch forward. “I don’t know you, Hero?!” He turned to me, furious all of a sudden. His face was crimson under the dim streetlights penetrating the car. “If anybody in this world knows you that is me!” He hit a finger repeatedly to his chest when he said it.

Warm tears ran down my face and I felt my features contorting into a mask of anger and hurt. I wanted to slap him. I opened my mouth, but  found I had not the air nor the words necessary to speak. I breathed in and out, deeply and loudly, through my mouth. My chest hurt with all the things trapped inside. Ten years of unsaid words.

How had we come from talking about our lives to screaming at each other in the blink of an eye? But it had always been like that with us. In a second we were fine and then in the other something snapped and we were fighting.

I looked out of my window to see the familiar trees of Loughborough Park. I opened the car door and rushed out. I would have run had my shoes allowed me to. As soon as I put one feet in the sidewalk in front of my house, Finn’s hand clutched my arm and pulled me to him.

I spun and my side hit his solid chest making me instantly breathless. He was breathing hard, the moist and warm wind of his breathing hitting my face.

I looked at him challengingly. I saw his eyes travel to my lips, where they rested for a tad too long before going back to my eyes. I yanked my arm, but he just tightened his grip. I winced when his fingers dug in my flesh.

“Let go of me, Finland.” I whimpered.

His eyes went wide and flashed with something violent. He hated his name. I was -I used to be- the only person, aside from his  mother, he allowed to call him by his full first name. But that had been ten years ago. When I said it now it only pissed him off.

He grabbed me by the shoulders then, and turned me pressing the front of my body firmly against the front of his. I felt his warmth penetrate my skin, and a slow pulse started in between my legs, accompanying the thumping in my heart.

 

“Why the fuck didn't you come with me, Hero?! Why?” He shook me and I tried to free myself from his grasp with a sudden jerk. But Finn was much bigger and stronger than I.

“You know why.” I moaned in answer. My lips quivered, so close to his I could kiss him if I just stretched my neck a few inches.

More hot tears streaked my face. When Finn noticed me crying the hard expression in his face softened. Every time I cried during one of our fights he would just crumble and hug me, and do everything in his power to make me stop. He used to hate making me cry, and apparently he still did. His eyes fell closed and a long breath left his lips, then he slowly came closer and rested his forehead on mine. I gasped, surprised. I didn’t dare move a muscle. The spot on my skin that touched his burned. The dilemma facing me was probably like the one an addict has to face when trying not to succumb to the drug one desperately wants and needs.

Every breath out of my mouth came out shaky. The hands gripping my shoulders fell limp to my sides before they slipped inside my coat and around my ribs. His heat poured from his hands and pierced through my dress, burning my skin. I shivered despite the warmth.

Frozen, I stood overwhelmed by his presence. I didn’t know what to do. I had a faint warning sounding in my head, probably my survival instinct, telling me to run as far and as fast as I possibly could. Another part of me, the louder, unwiser part, kept screaming loudly at me to just touch him and lose myself in him.

I was trying to keep my mind clear, but then his smell invaded my nostrils and I lost sense of all the things going on inside my head, my reason was crushed like bug.

I acted on instinct and I pressed my nose to the side his neck, just below his Adam’s apple, my favorite spot,  inhaling deeply, taking in his scent. I put my arms around his neck and when he felt me respond to his hug he held me tighter, burying his face on my neck. I felt the whole length of my body touching his.

Blood was rushing through my veins so fast, it felt like fire. It made no sense for me to resist, so I allowed myself to melt into his arms and just feel.

Through my own chest I could feel the falling and rising of his as he breathed in and out on the skin on the crook of my neck. My nipples were hard under my dress. Every breeze his exhalation let out on my skin send a thrill of pleasure through me. I was already soaking wet when he wasn’t even touching me in any sexual way.

That particular thought left my mind as Finn’s cold nose ran up and down my neck, and my body automatically knew to tilt my head back to expose more skin to him. The cold of his teeth grazed the skin there, sending waves of pure deliciousness down my spine that settled on the pulsing spot in between my legs that had began to ache. He followed the path along my jaw and my chin until he reached my lips. When his lips brushed mine he didn’t kiss me. He pulled back a little just to look at me, my own lips were parted in anticipation.

“I shouldn't still want you.” He said more to himself than to me.

One of his hands moved from my waist to my face and he brushed his thumb over my parted lips. I closed my eyes and moaned involuntarily. He let his thumb in a little, and brushed the thin, wet skin inside my bottom lip. I was only vaguely aware of how loud my breathing was. Never in my life had I ever wanted to be kissed so badly. My head was spinning and my hands, twisted in his hair, were shaking.

My attention was caught by the feel of his erection pressing on my stomach through his pants. He wanted me still, just as I wanted him.

Feeling the moist pooling in my underwear, I leaned in to kiss him, our lips not touching only by the impediment of his thumb between them. I dug my nails on the skin of his hand, so he’d take it away and let me kiss him as desperately as I wanted to, but he grabbed my hand with his other one and put it over his shoulder. It was torture. I felt like I was being punished. Being denied the thing I want the most.

Every breath out of his mouth was a breath I took in through mine. Finn’s thumb left my lips, then, and he put both hands on either side of my face. Slowly, he moved his fingers up into my hair, his palms brushing on my cheeks and temples. He dug his fingers firmly on my scalp, holding my head immobilized. Then, he just went on touching the skin all over my face with his nose, lips and teeth in a torturing and thorough exploration.

I felt like I could go into spontaneous combustion at any second. Gasps and moans came out of my mouth as if he were making love to me already. He touched my whole face with his lips except for where I wanted it the most. I opened my mouth to beg him please to kiss me, but only a low, pitiful cry came out.

He had his lips on the corner of my eye, then he pulled back at my sound to study my face. Even though I couldn’t see myself, I was sure all the lust and wanting I felt were obviously stamped there at the forefront.

He looked at me the way people who know nothing about art would look at abstract paintings hanging on museums walls. As though I were something he couldn’t understand or place, but still couldn’t help admiring. That was the look I saw so many times after waking up, after he’d be staring at me while I slept. I brought my fingers up to his face and touched his lips, running my index finger over his bottom lip, recalling the times when I could kiss him as I wished.

Finn drew his face closer to mine again. He rubbed his nose on mine, and began kissing the outer corner of my lips. He kissed one corner, then moved on to the other side, his fingers still on my hair, moving my head to his better advantage.

My body was no longer mine. It was his once more. Even the sounds I made were an unique thing standing on their own, coming out as they wished, without any command or will from me. I ran my nails over his hair, it was hard and stick with hair gel, and I ruffled it roughly with my fingers, wanting to free his large curls. One of his hands left my hair and traveled down my spine, landing on the small of my back.

Again, his lips torturously brushed mine, but this time, with my hands on his hair, I leaned in and pressed my lips to his carefully, still not sure he’d allow me to kiss him. But he did. His lips moved slowly against mine. God, he had the softest lips. A slight tremor passed over my body. He kissed me and suddenly I was twenty-two  again, feeling my body turn liquid and melt between his fingers. My legs wanted to give in under me, but Finn’s arm came around my waist and held me so tightly to his body it was like we were trying to fuse together.

I whimpered on his lips and the feeling was so intense I felt like crying. With one of his big hands in my hair he brought my head even closer to his, deepening the kiss, his tongue invading my mouth. I pressed my body to his as much as I could and it still wasn’t enough. I wanted more contact, more of him touching more of me. The kiss became desperate, our breathing was hard and heavy. I wanted to touch his skin.

Numbly, my fingers rummaged for the first two buttons on his dress shirt, unbuttoning them. I pulled the collar of his shirt to the side and brushed my lips over the skin on his collar bone, burying my nose on the dip in between it and his neck. He pulled my lips back to his and kissed me again. I was beginning to go dizzy with no air when, abruptly, Finn pulled away.

I jerked my eyes open. He was breathing through his mouth, eyes closed, head thrown back. He opened his eyes, and pressed his forehead to mine. My heart was jumping inside my chest. I took long, deep breaths that weren’t enough to fill my lungs.

He put his hands on my face again, stroking my cheeks with his thumbs.

“Hero.” He began. “We can’t just do this. We need to talk.” He paused again. “Can we meet tomorrow? My shift ends at 8 pm. I could came by.”

I was disorientated. I took a minute to understand what was happening around me. Finn had just kissed me. Finn, who I hadn’t touched in a decade. Who I had missed for a decade. Who I still loved. I still loved him, and there was no denying that, not even to myself.

“Alright.” Was all I managed to say.

He leaned in and kissed me slowly, but superficially. His hands left my face and he turned his back to me, walking to his car. I stood there in the sidewalk watching as got inside his car, turned the engine on and gave a last glance my way before leaving.

Numbly, I went inside my house. I went up the stairs and just curled into a ball under my covers, taking only  my shoes and coat off, before doing so. I was so overwhelmed with the night I just had. The only thing I felt like I had the strength to do was sleep and hope the hours would go fast until 8 pm tomorrow. The last image in my mind before I went under was Finn’s old car leaving a parking lot with a squeal of tires that last night I had seen him, ten years ago.

****






Chapter End Notes:

 

 







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