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The Confrontation a JOVAN Story    REVISED

Chapter 9                  Changing Attitudes

With my workouts at the gym you would think that I could run three miles well we are both wrong.  I ran maybe one-half mile and then got winded and had to walk for a bit.  Evangeline is laughing so hard she had to stop to catch her breath.  She tells her running group that she will stay with me and they can finish their run.  We walk for a bit until I can catch my breath and then we start to jog.  This pace feels more comfortable and I can keep up with Evangeline.  We don’t try to talk because I don’t know if I can move my legs and mouth at the same time so I just jog.  Of course she can multi-task and talks while I listen.  She tells me about a case she’s working on but of course nothing that would jeopardize her client’s defense since I so work for the police department but she simply talks in generalities.  I like hearing her voice, it soothes me and before I know it we’re at the end point.  I now realize that she kept talking to keep my mind off my running and it worked.

“You are something else you know.  You talked to me while we ran and you knew that I was too winded to respond but you kept talking and I know why.  You talked to keep my mind off of running and it worked.  You are good.”

“It’s something that I learned.  Why do you think people run with headphones in their ears?  It’s not always to hear music or books it to keep our mind off of having to lift our feet and put them down again.  Running can be very boring sometimes so you do things to distract yourself.  Sometimes I run with headphones and sometimes I just look around at the scenery and other times I may talk or just think to myself.  You do what works for you.  Did you enjoy your run?”

“I did thanks to you.  At first I thought that I would have to tell you to go ahead without me but I didn’t want you to think of me as a wuss so I toughed it out.  Who knew how hard this is, I certainly didn’t? I have a new respect for runners now.”

“Well thank you kind sir we appreciate it.  Running gives me something else to do.  Other than a good pair of shoes you don’t need any special equipment to do it.  So are you ready to leave now?  I need to get a shower and something to eat.”

“Sure.  Before you go I have something for you.  These are letters that I wrote to you after you told me that we could not write to each other anymore.  I continued to write but never mailed them.  I would like for you to read them so you know that I never stopped thinking about you.  Of course you can just trash them but I really would like for you to read them.  Before you ask, no I do not carry them around with me all of the time.  I knew that I would see you today so I brought them with me.  Here they are do what you will with them.  Let me go and I will see you around.  Thanks for the run.”

“John wait a minute.  I will read the letters.  You took the time to write them so I will not just trash them.  And thank you for the run.  I’m glad that you enjoyed it.  Maybe you might join us again sometime.  See you around town Lieutenant.”

“See you Counselor.”

With that we went our separate ways.

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Two months later and Dr. Jamison announces that we should only meet once every three months.  The anger and hurt that held me close now seem like a distant memory.  I am so glad of that.  Now I really think that it is time for me to take a break.  I don’t want to go out of the country but I do want to get out of Llanview so after my session with Dr. Jamison I head to the travel agency down the street from his office.  Whom should I find perusing the travel brochures but John.  When he sees me he smiles and says,

“So great minds think alike.  So where are you thinking about going?”

“I don’t know I just need a break.  What about you?”

“Don’t know yet either.  Hey I have an idea, have you ever been to Atlantic City?  I could show you the city, all of the touristy sites and then the real Atlantic City.  What do you say, want to go?”

“I don’t know John if I’m ready to go anywhere with you.  I don’t mean to sound mean but it’s the truth.  Even though we have spent time together the last few weeks and even though I have been in therapy to get past the hurt between us I still remember it.  It doesn’t hurt as much but the ache is still there.  I know that in time I will get over it completely, as least I hope that I will but not today.  Sorry.”

“No need to be sorry Evangeline.  I know better than most how hard it is to get rid of hurt.  It was just a suggestion.  I’ll see you around.”

John turns to walk away and then I remember something that Dr. Jamison said to me early on in my therapy. ‘Evangeline the longer that you let the hurt control you the longer it will take to rid yourself of it.  Let it go.’  Before he reaches the door I call out to him,

“John wait.  Tell me about this trip to Atlantic City.  Give me you best spiel.”

“I’ll do you one better.  Just agree to go with me and I will make all of the arrangements, separate rooms of course, and you can see for yourself all that is Atlantic City and I won’t have to say a word.  Do you want to drive or fly?”

“Fly, I don’t really feel like sitting in a car for hours.  When do we leave?”

“How about we do a long weekend, this weekend.  It will give you a taste of the city and leave you wanting more.  I will call you when I have everything arranged.  You won’t regret it Evangeline.” 

“I’d better not John or you will pay with your head.  I am a very hard task master.”

“That I know, that I know.  Talk with you later and thanks for giving me this chance.  I won’t disappoint.”

Well now I need to make sure that I have the proper clothing for this trip.  A check of the weather forecast for that area for this weekend will give me direction on which items to pack.  Oddly enough I feel a bit giddy about going away with John.  The only other time that we went away together didn’t end so well.  The trip to my great aunt’s funeral and the visit home left us both feeling a bit disconnected.  That will not happen this time.  We will learn from the past and not repeat those mistakes.  Vacation plans settled and work to return to I make my way back to my office and the stacks of paperwork on my desk.  I won’t complain because I love my job and my life is getting better also.  I didn’t mention this before but I did read John’s letters that he wrote while we were apart and they were so lovely but I did not want to forgive him for the hurt but they helped to melt away the anger.  I’m looking forward to this trip with him and maybe just maybe it can be a new beginning for us.

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The trip to Atlantic City was more than I could have hoped.  John took me all around the city, to the boardwalk, to the casinos, to the neighborhoods, to the shops and the out of the way eateries.  We crammed all of that into three days and he was right.  It had me wanting more.  I will return when I have more time.  But it wasn’t just seeing the sights that made the trip so nice.  We talked, John and I, talked about real things.  He showed me where he grew up and opened up about his dad and the things that they used to do together.  I could tell that sometimes he grew sad but he pushed past it and kept telling me about all the things that he did with his dad and with his dad and Michael.  When he would tell me about things that he did with his dad he would then ask me what things that I did with my dad.  At first I was hesitant to respond but the more that he talked about his dad the more that I wanted to tell him about my dad.  Then I figured out what he was doing.  Just like I talked with him to keep his mind off of running, he kept telling me about him and his dad so that I would feel comfortable about talking about my dad.  We two are a pair, aren’t we?  I had so much fun this weekend that I don’t even mind going back to work.

Atlantic City was weeks ago and since then John came out to our running group one more time and actually lasted for the full three miles.  Someone has been practicing.  He didn’t tell me that he had but I could tell.  At the end of the run I congratulated him on finishing in one try.  He thanked me for my kindness and hurried away.  He said that he had something to do and couldn’t stay to talk.  It surprised me that I was disappointed that he had to leave.  Be careful Evangeline, don’t want to fall for John again, or have you already done that?  I’m talking to myself again.  I know my own mind and so what if I like this new John McBain.  Anything is better than that knuckleheaded version that I told that I would knock him out for not telling about the identity of Christian Vega.  I really would have hit him, even better with a baseball bat, the idiot.  Be nice Evangeline.  You are no longer that person and he is no longer that idiot.  Thank goodness for both.

By the time I make it back to my apartment I’m tired and I smell like the great outdoors, and not in a good way.  A shower later I’m sitting on my sofa enjoying a nice hot cup of tea when my doorbell rings.  Checking the peephole I see a delivery person.  Opening the door, she hands to me a box and asks me to sign for it, which I do.  Closing the door I return to my sofa and open the package.  Inside I find a snow globe of Atlantic City, a postcard of Llanview, and miniatures of Big Ben in London, England and the Eiffel Tower in Paris, France and a card.

“Evangeline I can’t tell you how grateful I am that you gave me the chance to share my home city with you.  The items in this box represent other places that I would like to share with you.  We live in Llanview, we visited Atlantic City but I would like, with everything inside of me, to see the other two places for the first time with you.  But not just with you Evangeline Williamson, the attorney extraordinaire, but with you the future Evangeline McBain.  I know that you’re not ready for that but I won’t give up hope that one day you will agree to marry me.  You’re probably saying how can you agree when I haven’t asked you.  Well I am treading very carefully with you.  I don’t want to take any missteps but you have to help me out in this Evangeline.  You tell me when you are ready to take the next step.  I will wait for you.  I will wait a lifetime for you because you are worth it to me.  But it might help if we marry before we get too old because I would like to have children with you too and these old bones of mine will only be limber for so long.  I intend to teach our son/daughter the fine points of catching a football.  You do remember pinkies and thumbs don’t you?  You are the only one who can put me out of my misery, either tell me that it is okay for me to propose or shoot me.  That’s right shoot me because I am a dead man walking without you in my life.  No, don’t worry I’m just being dramatic.  I will survive just as you will.  Even if you don’t want to marry me I still want us to at least be friends.  It will be painful to see you with someone else but I would rather see you than not see you.  Now to close this card on a bright note.  I LOVE YOU.    John’

What am I going to do with this man?  So that is why he had to rush away after the run.  Well it looks like I’ve got to change my attitude about one John McBain but it is not a hardship.  I can be one tough unrelenting and unforgiving woman but it hurts me more than it hurts anyone else and I don’t want to do that anymore, ‘relax, relate, and release’,

-RELAX into all of the emotions that you have held at bay, love, lust, elation, joy, calm and thankfulness.

-RELATE to the knowledge that not everyone gets a second chance at love or at second chance at making up for your mistakes, or a second chance at anything

-RELEASE the anger, hurt, regret, self-deprecation, and self-denial

-CLAIM your joy, life, love, worth, happiness AND

-LIVE your life to the fullest, with all the happiness you can garner, with love in your heart

Now I know what I must do and I am so glad that I can see clearly now the path that lies before me.  Checking my closet for a drop dead gorgeous outfit I change and head out of the door on a mission to claim what is mine.  Look out world here I come!