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Someone I Used to Know

Chapter 11   At the Crossroads

Nothing prepared me for the emotional reaction that I would have to return to Llanview.  Flashing through my mind are scenes from the years that I spent here: from my arrival, the botched FBI sting, Natalie, Bo, Evangeline, KCK, Truman, Todd, all of it.  Now it’s time to take a turn away from the past and move into my present and future.  I wrote to Evangeline to tell her that I would return today and to remind her that I will not seek her out until I have a new place to live and is comfortably situated.  I want her to see the new me in the best of surroundings.  While away I did conduct some Internet searches for new housing and found a really nice apartment in an up and coming neighborhood.  Not that I can’t afford to buy a house.  Not one to splurge on anything I have a substantial amount of savings but I don’t want to buy a house without Evangeline.

Michael lets me stay with him until I move in to my new apartment. I didn’t even want to go back to the Angel Square hotel.  I didn’t want anything from that place to land on me and then I carry it into my new place.  I even had Michael to sell or give away all of my clothing.  I am starting afresh from scratch.  The only things that he took from the place were the things that I brought there when I moved in but nothing that I acquired while I was there.  The files about our father’s murder and I had our mother to send me a duplicate of the picture of Michael and me that she sent to me for my birthday years ago when I was with Evangeline.  The old one I left in the Angel Square room.  I want a new one so that I can put it in my new place. 

Today I am going clothes shopping and no, black does not totally dominate the list.  Of course I will purchase a black suit.  Just like a little black dress should be in every woman’s closet, every man should have a black suit.  Navy blue, gray, solids and pin striped suits, ties of assorted textures, colors and patterns, and shirts ranging in colors from white to blue, grey to lavender, yes I did say lavender.  Lavender looks good on me and I am man enough to carry it off. I did draw the line at pink though I’m not ready for that just yet even though the style magazines suggest it. Yes I said style magazine I’ve read them.  I need help from whatever source is available.  To get what I really want I am on my way to Philadelphia because the inventory here in Llanview is grossly inadequate.  Michael is joining me on this outing and I am looking forward to it.  So I have to buy everything new from top to bottom and I am so ready.

Hours later our arms are loaded with bags of clothing.  The car is packed and we are driving back to Llanview.  

“John I don’t believe that you did all of this.  When you first told me to get rid of everything in your old apartment I thought that you were kidding.”

“No I wasn’t joking Michael I was very serious.  I didn’t want any memories of that place to follow me into my new life. Remember when we were little and went outside to play in the dirt and got all muddy and when we tried to go back inside Mom wouldn’t let us.  She would make us stand on the back porch and wash us down with water from a bucket.  She said that we would bring that dirt in her clean house.  Well I don’t want to bring the dirt of that old apartment into my new place. I was not a good man when I lived there Michael.  I did things that hurt people and I don’t want that anywhere near me now. Not to say that I don’t own up to all that I did but that is now in the past and I am not that man anymore.”

“Is this all because of Evangeline?  Are you doing this for her?  You do know that she might not take you back John.  What will you do if that happens?”

“Although Evangeline is a big reason for these changes but I am also doing this for myself.  The therapy would not have worked it I did not go into it wanting to change for myself because if I did it all for the sake of someone then I was setting myself up for failure if that person rejected me.  No Michael this is for me.  I am at a crossroads in my life now and I am looking toward a new direction in both my professional and personal life.”

“That’s good to hear John and I will support you however I can with this.  What do you mean a change in your professional life, are you planning to leave the Llanview Police Department (LPD)?”

“No not leave it Michael but I will make some changes.  I have to talk it over with Bo first to find out if what I think is possible is actually doable and if the mayor will approve it and fund it. If not I have some other things in mind that I think might work just as well.  I know that you are concerned with my concentration on Evangeline but Michael she is it for me.  Like Marcie is it for you, Evangeline is it for me and I don’t know what I didn’t realize that when we were together.  We could have been married by now and had a few kids but because of my stupidity we have lost all of those years.  She almost died a couple of times Michael and you would have thought that would have opened my eyes but it didn’t.  When she told me that I was someone she used to love something in me broke Michael.  I know that she left me years ago but I thought that somewhere deep inside that she still felt a little love for me.  I always felt something for her but never let her know it.  So when she said that she didn’t love me anymore a darkness enveloped me.”

“But John how could you think that she still loved you when she was involved with Christian Vega and later she and Todd were ‘close’?  Anyway you were with Natalie.  What were you pining for Evangeline while you were with Natalie. I thought that Natalie was your ‘soul mate’?”

“Michael I know that it is hard to understand with all the stupid things that I have done in the past.  When Evangeline ended it with me she came to my apartment and found me there hugging Natalie. At that moment I blew any chance of reconciling with her.  She asked me if I could change for her and I told her no.  She was giving me a chance then to get back together but I was too set in my ways to even make an effort.  That same night Natalie said that I was her soul mate and I told her that I was not.  I didn’t want to break up with Evangeline but I also didn’t want to change my ways and so I lost her for good but I always thought or maybe hoped that one day we would make our way back to each other.  When that didn’t happen I decided that I didn’t want to be alone anymore and Natalie was offering so I took what she was offering.”

“That was cruel John.”

“I know Michael, I know but I am not the person anymore.  I want a life and I want a life with Evangeline.  Now if after all of this change in my life Evangeline decides that she does not want a life with me then I will have to deal with that.  I won’t like it but I will deal with it.  I’ve asked her to give me another chance but she hasn’t said if she will or not.  I told her that I was returning but I wouldn’t contact her until I have found a new place to live and have some other things in place.”

“Well it sounds like you have thought this through bro, I am impressed.”

“Thanks Michael for your support.  I really appreciate it.  I will be out of your place soon.  I have several apartment viewings tomorrow and hope to move in within a week or so.”

“You’re welcome to stay as long as you need to John you know that.  Marcie and I are glad to have you back.”

“Alright let’s get these things inside and get something to eat, I am hungry.”

We unload the car and pile everything in my room.  I already had purchased casual clothes here in Llanview and just needed suits and the sort.  So I’m ready to eat after working up an appetite with al of this shopping. 

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Arriving back and the LPD it surprised me the warm welcome that awaited me.  All of the officers came up to shake my hand and say how glad they are that I am back.  It warmed my heart.  Antonio took over my duties during my absence and is doing a great job.  We hug and then chat for a while before I meet with Bo Buchanan on Bo’s office.

My meeting with Bo goes much better than I had expected.  He informs me that the State has released some additional money to the department because of the many serial murder cases that we handled and the hate groups that settled in our area that will allow us to make some personnel changes.  Also the Feds have added to our budget to place an FBI liaison here in our office.  With my past experience with the FBI, Bo proposed to the Feds that instead of having a full time agent posted here that instead they have someone with FBI experience but someone who could also work as an LPD officer and that way neither the Feds nor the State will have to foot the entire bill for the position and he has the perfect person to take the job.  The person would serve as supervisor for the detectives in the LPD and as the FBI liaison on capital cases.  Both the State and the Feds signed off on Bo’s proposal and all the paperwork has been filed and all the t’s are crossed and i’s dotted.  Bo officially offered the position to me and I accepted.   It is more of an administrative position but will still allow me to stay in the mix on cases.  It was exactly what I had in mind to discuss with Bo as the type of work that I now want to do.  This is marvelous I couldn’t have asked for anything better.