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Finding My Way

(This chapter explains at bit about John’s new job.  I’ve taken considerable poetic license to describe the duties, challenges, and outcomes of this job so don’t quote me on anything.  This story will not include any specific cases handled by this unit.  Thnx.)

Chapter 3

My first year at work has proven quite exhilarating and tiring.  Some days we get so involved in a case that today turns into the next day before we take a break.  When leads come in we try to act upon then as soon as possible and that may involve a trip out of town or out of the country.  But it is all worth it to close a case.  Not that we close every one that we encounter but we do close our share. My fellow unit mates are, in my opinion, some of the best agents in the Bureau:

-three (3) criminal investigators Stan Ross, Alec Tan and Erica Beard;

-forensic scientist Hannah Bartholomew, Ph.D.;

-psychologist Dr. Evan Kowalski, M.D., Ph.D.; and

-computer analyst Amir Randsum

Erica is the mother hen, Stan is the know-it-all, Alec is Mr. Cool, and Hannah is brilliant as is the youngest of the group Amir.  Evan is a former NFL All-Pro wide receiver who played four years for the Philadelphia Eagles and then retired to attend medical school. Everyone on the team enjoys their job and plans to make a career here at the Bureau.  Erica, Stan and I are around the same age and when we talk some times we have to translate for the ‘younglings’ Hannah and Amir but it’s all in jest.

Our last case took Stan, Erica, Amir and I to France and there I had an opportunity to use my French.  Glad that I finished those accelerated language courses.  We worked with the police in Calais, Paris, and Boulogne.  The French authorities, with our assistance, apprehended the culprits and they will stand trial in France and then be extradited to the US to stand trial for the crimes committed here.  We didn’t even get a chance to relax while we were there so I will have to return again because that is a beautiful place. 

During our time in France, the remaining unit members continued to work on this one case that had puzzled us for the last month and they finally obtained a bit of evidence to further identify the perpetrators.  Although we are still far from solving this case we are closer than we were two (2) months ago.

With the Christmas holidays coming up and folks already have their travel plans scheduled we will be a bit short staffed but there are no pressing issues that won’t wait until the new year.  This is not my Christmas to have Liam so he will stay with his mother in Llanview.  Erica and Alec have tried to set me up with a few dates since we got to know each other and I have gone on a few but no one really clicked for me.  I know that I have to get myself back into the ‘swing of things’ but I’m not looking for more dates but I am looking for someone who might want more of a relationship.  I can’t believe that I said that.  I, John McBain, want a relationship.  

Evan invited me to Christmas dinner with his wife and two children.  He says no one should be alone at Christmas time. I accepted and actually look forward to it.  Evan and I get along really well out of all of my co-workers.  After all he played football for one of my favorite teams, the Philadelphia Eagles.  He’s approachable and easy to talk to like Antonio was when I lived in Llanview.  Evan grew up in New York City.  His parents met on the NYC subway.  His mother is black from Brooklyn and his father is white from Poland.  When they met his father was in New York City visiting relatives when he took the wrong metro train to get downtown and his mother knew Polish because she had learned to speak it from one of her friends.  She helped him find his way downtown and then went her own way but not before he asked her for her number.  His father had ‘game’.  Evan is 6’3’’ and looks like a bald headed Lenny Kravitz. He’s a really good guy.

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Spring has sprung in the nation’s capital and we finally got another break in that case that has kept us chasing our tails for so long.  This time everything stays within US borders and with assistance from the US Marshals we apprehend the smuggling gang in Shreveport.  That makes another closure for our team and now on to the next case.  

Just after the case closed Hannah announced her engagement and informed us that she will get married in August of this year.  She invited us all to attend.  Good news for the team.  I did feel a bit jealous though.  Even though I have been on several dates and have had a few dates with the same lady, there’s still something missing.  Her name is Rebecca Sterling and she works for the Justice Department as an analyst.  She is very nice.  We’ve gone to dinner, a play and recently went on a Potomac River cruise. But here’s the thing, I have yet to kiss her and it’s not because she wasn’t willing.  She was willing but something keeps me back from kissing her.  If I kissed her it would make her think that I want more from her than what I really do.  I go out with her because she’s fun and easy to talk to but I’m not romantically interested in her.  Now that I think about it I sound selfish in doing that because in actuality I’m taking advantage of her company so that I am not alone and she may see that as I’m interested in her which I’m not. What do I do?

“John, what’s up?  Why the long face man?”

“Oh hi Evan, just thinking about something that I need to do and it’s going to be hard to do it?”

“Well like a scab, just yank it off. It’s better to do it and get it over with than to let it fester.  What are we talking about anyway?”

“Do you have a moment Evan?”

“Sure John, come on it.  I’ve got an hour or so before my next meeting.  The time is all yours.”

So I tell Evan all about Rebecca and my decision.  He suggests that I call her and tell her straight that I’m not romantically interested in her and apologize if I gave that impression but that I really enjoyed her company.  Emphasize to her that I understand if she does not want to see me again and thank her for her time.  Since it was lunchtime and Rebecca said that she usually takes lunch out of her office I called her while I was there in Evan’s office and told her everything. Needless to say that she wasn’t very happy to hear that but she thanked me for telling her and suggested that I ‘lose’ her number.  I didn’t fault her for that and was glad that she was so understanding. 

“So John do you feel better now?”

“Yes and no Evan.  I feel better that I settled things with Rebecca but I don’t feel good that I’m still alone.  I’ve gone on dates and have tried to connect with these ladies but something is just missing.  I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”

“John there’s nothing wrong with you. Your heart knows what it wants and you just haven’t found her yet.  You told me once that when your fiancé died you gave up on love.  Does that mean that you haven’t loved anyone since she died all of those years ago?”

I thought for a moment before answering Evan: 

[I have felt things for several women since Caitlin died.  I loved Natalie and thought that she was the ‘one’ but I was mistaken; Marty was available but I don’t think that I ever really loved her; Samantha in Port Charles stirred feelings in me but nothing sustaining; Blair was something I never should have done; and Evangeline but she’s dead.]

“Evan I have been involved with several women since Caitlin died but of all those women still living none of them can I see having a life with or marrying them.  Maybe I’m meant to live alone and perhaps that’s for the best because I don’t want to mess up anyone else’s life trying to force feelings that I don’t have.”

“Maybe you’re right John but give it some time. Love can happen when you least expect it.  Don’t call it quits just yet.”

“I hear you Evan and I’ll put it on the back burner for now and concentrate on something else.  Thanks for talking with me.  Now back to work.”

August is fast approaching and Hannah is so excited for her wedding.  Amir is now dating a young lady who teaches at Georgetown.  Love is in the air. Alec is a confirmed bachelor so he says that he’s immune to all of the ‘love pollen’ in the air.  Stan is married with one child and Erica is married with two children.  Everyone has someone but me, John McBain.  When will I ‘find my way’ to the altar?