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Dear John letters

(This time John’s dream takes a bit of a turn.  Let me know if it makes sense to you.)

Chapter 4            Letter three and revelations

Arriving late back to my apartment I only have strength enough to shower and make it to bed before falling asleep.  I don’t read a letter tonight.

Something feels strange this morning.  What is it?  Oh I know now. I didn’t dream last night. Well that happens sometimes so I don’t think that it means anything.  Let me get up and get dressed and head out to work.

Several hours into my workday my brother Michael stops by to visit.

“Hey John do you want to have lunch with me? We can go to the diner for a quick meal.  I know how you skip lunch most days so I thought that I might convince you to eat with me.  What do you say?”

“Sure Michael, come on let’s go.  I want to talk about something with you anyway.”

We make it to the diner and sit at a table in the back for a little privacy.  Placing our order we wait for our food.  I use that time to talk with Michael.

“Michael, a few days ago I received a package from Mrs. Williamson.  Evidently she found a box with my name on it and sent it to me.  Before you ask it was some things of mine that Evangeline had and Mrs. Williamson didn’t want to throw them away so she sent them to me.”

“So what were they John?”

“Some clothes, jewelry and letters.  She wrote letters to me but never mailed them.”

“Wow!  So have you read any of the letters and if so what did they say.”

“Yes, I’ve read two of the letters but I don’t want to say what they are about because they are personal.  But what I want to ask you is that since I read the first letters I’ve had dreams about the things that she talked about in the letters but the things that happen in my dreams are totally different than what actually happened.”

“That’s not so unusual John.  Maybe your dreams are trying to correct something that you did wrong in real life or projected an alternative to what happened in real life.  The letters probably triggered your subconscious and now it is reacting to that trigger.  I wouldn’t worry about it.”

“That what I thought Michael so I’m glad that I was not mistaken on my conclusion.  I made a lot of mistakes with my relationship with Evangeline and wish that I could have done things differently.  At least now in my dreams it seems that I have that opportunity.”

“So John that’s a good thing.  I was really sorry to hear about Evangeline’s death.  I’m glad that Eli Bennett is locked away.  Evangeline deserved so much better than what happened to her.  I miss her.”

“I do too Michael more than I thought I would.  We broke up so many years ago but with these letters it seems like no time has passed. Well let’s eat and get back to work.”

Michael returns to the hospital and I return to the precinct.  Have a meeting with Bo to decide who will attend the public safety expo in Harrisburg this year.  Antonio and Cerutti are chosen to attend.  It works well to send different people each year so that the officers can experience such an event.  This will allow me more time to finish my cases and not worry about traveling and work piling up while I’m away.

/

Continuing with my routine of choosing a random letter I notice that the envelope on this one is warped as if some water dropped on it.  The writing on the front is jerky not smooth and concise like the other two letters.

‘Dear John,

I hate you!  I hate you so much!  How could you do that to me!  How could you rescue her first instead of me!  All that talk about wanting me was a lie and your constant assertion that the two of you are only friends was all hogwash.  You definitely made your choice that night didn’t you. Now she’s gone again and you’re going crazy.  When you came to see me in the hospital I thought that you were coming to see how I was and to comfort me but you interrogated me like I was some perp or something.  How dare you!  I hate you!  I never thought that I could hate someone as much as I hate you right now!

I hurt so much right now.  I want to make you hurt like I hurt.  How could I love someone like you?  What a fool I was to think that maybe just maybe you loved me even if you couldn’t say it but you said it to her and now your actions clearly showed me that you wanted her all along.’

D*** I messed things up so badly.  Evangeline had every right to hate me.  I hated myself.  I told her that I was sorry that her just being with me put her in danger but the words were hollow and she knew it.  There was no way that I could explain or defend my actions in either the rescue or non-rescue and the interrogation later at the hospital.  Now I understand why the envelope is warped. She probably cried writing this letter.  Evangeline is not a hateful person and it must have really taken a lot out of her to write this letter expressing her disdain.  I deserve it though and more.

Sleep doesn’t come easily tonight and I replay that scene in my head so many times before I finally doze off.

(Dreaming)

/“Hello John.”  What where am I?  Who is talking to me?  I’m in the Love Center gymnasium.  I look around and everything looks normal.  I haven’t been here since seeing Evangeline here after she was released from the hospital.  To say that it holds painful memories for me is an understatement.  Then I hear it again, “Hello John.”  I turn around and can’t believe what I see before me.

“So you finally made it to the letter about the non-rescue.  There was so much gut wrenching pain in that letter I knew that it would be the one to bring you here.”

“Is this real?  Are you really here Evangeline?”

“This is your dream John so you tell me if I am real.”

“Why now after all of these years?”

“Only you can answer that question John. Why did you bring us here John? My letter is only the conduit you are the conductor.  What do you have to say to me?  You brought me here for some reason.”

I don’t understand what she’s saying.  How did I bring us here?  I read her letter and fell asleep and now I find myself in a dream with her in it but she looks real.  Then two chairs appear and we sit down.  Now I realize what I must do.

“Evangeline I know that I told you that I am sorry for the hurt that I caused you.”

“I don’t believe you John.  I didn’t believe you then and I don’t believe you now.  You hurt me more than anyone ever did.  Even Christian’s rejection was nothing compared to what you did to me. When I wrote that letter I meant every word.  I hated you.  BUT at the same time I still loved you and wanted you to love me but you never did.  So why bring us here John?”

“Because this is the place where I made the biggest mistake of my life.  My rescuing Natalie first ended whatever chance I had of winning you back.  It didn’t matter whether Natalie was succumbing to the fire and you were not.  In your eyes, and everyone else’s, I rescued her first and therefore I must have loved her more that I loved you.  But I didn’t love her more than I loved you. I regret what I did Evangeline. I regret that it hurt you and ended my hope of ever getting you back.  When I met with you in the hospital I didn’t show you how upset I was because I had to keep it together to solve the case.  I wanted to comfort you but if I had I would have broken down and would not be any help to anyone.  I guess somewhere in the back of my mind I needed to stay aloof from you for your own protection.  The KCK targeted you because of your involvement with me.  If I acted like you were nothing to me then maybe he would leave you alone.  I was wrong.  I was wrong about everything.”

“Good.”

“How is that good Evangeline?”

“It’s good John because you realize the error of your ways.  That’s step 1.”

She then vanishes and I stand alone in the gymnasium wondering what just happened./

This morning when I awake I remember everything about the dream and how real everything seemed.  If nothing else I finally got to say to Evangeline something that I should have said so many years ago.