My brother’s murder was a turning point for me. At that point, it no longer mattered about being light skin and being dark skin. Light skin no longer provided the protection I’d always been brought up believing it did. Perhaps it never did. At the end of the day, to the white man, you were a nigger. No matter what shade of brown you were. I wasn’t right for a while after that. It took me a long time just to learn how to function again. But when I did… I came out with my head held high. I wouldn’t give those white bastards the joy of seeing me live to die and die to live. No, I’d give Jimmy the respect he deserved and continue to live on. 

*** 

     Nineteen Hundred and Thirty Five

Summer 

    “Kira, June Bug’s outside for you.” Licking her lips, she wiped hands on her dress and came to the door, replacing her mother. He smiled up at her, hands in his pockets. He sported a becoming haircut, small waves framing his face. He wore a nice tweed blazer and slacks, pocket watch hanging from his pocket. He looked so very handsome. 

    “My, where is it you’re goin?” He chuckled some. 

    “I’ve just come back from my trip.” 

    “Ahhh I see.”

    “Yeah.”

    “Well…how was it? Where’d you go this time?” She asked, folding her arms back behind her. 

    “New York.” She bit her lip but that quickly ended when he reached up and gripped her by the waist. 

    “I’ve missed you pretty gal.” 

    “I missed you too.” He lifted her up and she wrapping arms around his neck falling into his arms some. 

    “You look good. Better than the last I saw you.” He spoke softly, eyes intense and dark, his gaze keeping her captive. Feeling her heart pulse into her ears, she gave him a quick sweet little peck on the cheek, more than mindful of her mother’s prying eyes. 

    “You too.” He chuckled before that famous June Bug grin danced on his full rosy lips. 

    “I thought we were past cheek kisses Kira girl.” He teased as she giggled against him, allowing him to place her back up onto the porch. 

    “Well you’ve been gone for a year so you gotta work your way back up to them other kinda kisses now don’t you?” Licking his lips, he met her eyes. 

    “Can’t wait lil gal.” He replied with a wink. Biting her lip, she cleared her throat, feeling the eyes of her parents digging into her back. 

    “You’re stayin for dinner right?”

    “If you want me to.”

    “I do.”

    “Then I will sweetheart.” Smiling at him, she outstretched her hand, waitin until he took it and pulled himself up onto the wooden planks. 

    “Is that my June Bug all growed up?” Her Mama called from inside. 

    “Yes ma’am.” He replied in a humble tone, cheeks warm. Holding onto her hand, he entered into the home that felt lively again. Finally after so long of being cold and dark. Empty. It felt good to be in the familiar space. His home away from home away from home.

    “Come on here and sit down here. Tell us bout your travels.”

    “Yes ma’am.” He dropped to the floor with no complaint or care, crossing his legs Indian style. 

    “How you been?” 

    “I’ve been mighty fine. Just got back from up North.”

    “Oh where you went to?”

    “New York.”

    “Oh that’s the big BIG city ain’t it?” He laughed gently. 

    “Yes ma’am.”

    “You look a lot better Chanjoon. Healthier.”

    “Thank you suh.” He addressed her father with a nod. 

    “I think we all needed that time to be by ourselves respectively. We all needed time ta heal from what happened.”

    “Mmhm.”

    “I took my time reflectin, healin and learnin. I needed that time to clear ma head and map out what I wanna do in life.”

    “Good. Good man.”

    “Yes suh.” 

    “You still in school baby?” Her mama asked, lifting to wipe a bead of sweat from her brow. 

    “Yes ma’am. Still studyin. I lucked up and got an endorsement by the Pullman Company for tuition…so I’m goin all expenses paid.” The three of them’s eyes grew wide with shock and her mouth for one dropped open. 

    “Oh my Gawd Joon…”

    “That’s amazin baby!”

    “Proud of you son.” Laughing sheepishly, he lifted a hand to sift through the hair on the back of his head. 

    “Thank you… I want to become a doctor Gawd willin. My target focus will be for the minorities in the country. Folks that look like you an me and need quality care. We need more stuff for us don’t we?”

    “That’s right son. Real right.” 

    “A noble boy you is huh?” Her mama praised, beaming proudly at his aspirations. There were only two women she’d seen that made him sheepish and that was his mama and her mama. It was the cutest thing, watchin him blush. Her June Bug… blushin. Unheard of but a joy to watch anyway. Her mama winked at her, bringing a blush of her own to her. 

    “How y’all been doin back here at home? I missed everythin bout sweet ol Georgia.” He said with a grin, stealin a glance at her. Her parents watched the exchange, Mama smiling knowingly and Papa strokin his beard. 

    “We been a’right. Losin our son was hard. The ache ain’t neva gon go away for me but I gotta be strong for my man and my girls. I don survived so much in this life a mine. I figured I can survive this too.” 

    “We get through it together.”

    “Yessuh.”

    “And you suh?” He asked, lookin her Daddy right in the eye. Her father continued to stroke his beard and looked between the two of them.

    “What can I say? I got my woman and my girls. Lost my boy but seems God saw fit to give us another one.” She grew a deeper shade of rouge and her father chuckled. 

    “Kira you gon turn into a tamato keep blushin like that girl.” She flushed, grabbing their cups that laid on little saucers. 

    “Daddy it’s hot out is all. Y’all want some more lemonade?”

    “Sure baby. In the ice box.” 

    “Mmkay.” Avoiding their eyes, she scurried away, bringing a chuckle to the three. 

    “You always been like a brotha to Jimmy. Y’all was the same age an all. And with what growin up and lovin on our girls you damn near like a second son to us.” The weight of her father’s words fell heavy on her chest and she could only imagine what it was doin to June Bug’s. He hadn’t said anything yet, glancin down at his feet. 

    “Listen, since we all here… I wanna ask you. Man to man.” She hurried up and got the lemonade, flying back over to them. By the stern tone of voice, her Daddy was bout to say somethin serious. 

    “Yes suh.” Joon lifted his eyes to meet his. 

    “Do you love Kira?” She felt her cheeks burn but felt an overwhelming love the minute Joon reached over and took her hand in his. 

    “Yes suh. I do.” James Burnett Sr. nodded. 

    “I thought so.” They were all quiet for a while before her Papa spoke again. 

    “I could see it develop between y’all but I wanted to see if it was real.”

    “Understood.”

    “I don’t doubt you as a man Chanjoon. Let’s be clear about that.” The fact that he used his full name not once but twice made him sit up straighter. 

    “Jimmy’s death did somethin to us all but I’m glad it brought you two together.” He squeezed her hand, making her smile.  

    “You’ve always been good to Kira. Good to Lily and Tommasina too. You’re a good young man.” Though his blush was faint he looked her Daddy in the eyes, unafraid and unwavering. 

    “Thank you suh. That…That means a lot to me.”

    “Even so… I gotta ask. What do you want from her? Your intentions.” She finally looked at her Papa and found him starin at her. Licking her lips, she turned her gaze down meekly. 

    “I’m glad we’re talkin about it now because I wanted to ask you somethin.” That got her Papa’s attention and he brought his gaze back towards him. 

    “I am aware of a couple things… things that are painfully obvious and are unable to be changed. One being that fact that I am not a Negro man. This world is so cruel to set the rules that it has and I know her life would be simpler if she was with one.” He stroked the back of her hand. 

    “Two, I understand that Kira’s life is already hard enough as it is. Bein with me will make it harder. I’ve never wanted to inconveience you all. But one thing my mama always told me was to be true to myself. I’ve spent my whole life tryna figure out what I was…who I was. I wish I could say that it doesn’t matter in the end because we all know different.” He swallowed and looked up into her father’s eyes. 

    “I am who I am and there’s no changin that. But one thing about me that I hope y’all testify to is that I am a damn good man…I try to be…try to do right.” 

    “Joon,”

    “I want to ask your permission Mr. Bennett. To court Kira.” Her breath had been taken long time ago and she gripped his fingers tightly, feeling herself well up with emotion. 

    “Why do you want to court her?”

    “I intend to make her my wife one day and I can’t move forward without your permission.” Her Mama had grown teary and she swallowed thickly. 

    “June Bug…you…you know the risks you run goin down this road?” She asked gently, reaching for his hand. 

    “Yes ma’am and I accept em.”

    “People not goin to understand y’all. They will shun ya and turn ya away. They gon judge you and any children borne of the union. You know that.” 

    “With all due respect Mrs. Burnett… I’ve been shunned, turned away and judged my entire life up until this point. Some more ain’t gon make a good bit of difference.” At last, his eyes turned to hers and the conviction within them sent chills down her spine. 

    “If I can have Kira then it’ll be worth it.” Her Papa looked between them one last time. 

    “Kira, how do you feel about this?” Put on the spot, she felt her mouth dry up but she knew she had to speak. She hadn’t said anything aloud, about how or what she felt. But, now was the time. She sat up and took a deep breath. Lifting his hand, she pressed it to her cheek. 

    “I love him Daddy. Mama. I don’t know why and I ain’t tryna figure it out neither. He…He loves me just the same and he’ll take good care of me. You ain’t neva had to doubt him before when it came to me or Lily and you won’t have to goin forward.” He smiled at her, those beautiful white teeth shinin like a new penny. 

    “Joon told me before he left a year ago a promise he made to Jimmy.” That got their undivided attention. 

    “He told me Jimmy told him once that he trusted him. Trusted him with me. Trusted him with y’all, Lily… everythin. Y’all know Jimmy ain’t neva trusted nobody.” She licked her lips and spoke again, this time her voice louder. 

    “He promised Jimmy after he died that he would continue where he left off and I for one wanna help him make Jimmy proud. We owe that to him for his faith in us…” At that, her Mama started to weep, pressing the rag against her eyelids. Her Papa took a deep breath. 

    “You have my permission son.” She let his hand go and threw herself at her Papa. 

    “Thank you Daddy…thank you.” 

    “Just… be careful. Please. Be careful and mind yourselves. Only in that way will y’all make it. Ya Mama and I haven’t gotten this far bein alive and together bein reckless.” 

    “Thank you suh.”

    “You’ll be a good man to Kira.” 

*** 

    Kotani squealed, eyes welling up with tears. Fronnie hadn’t joined her this time, still reeling from the reading of their great uncle’s lynching. It had taken her a time too to process and grieve it. A man she’d never know… relative by blood having suffered that way. But, when she read of the future between her Gammy and her June Bug she grew optimistic… hopeful. Perhaps she was young and a bit of a romanticist but she truly believed that loved healed everythin. Eyes thirsty for the next entry, she hastily turned the page and began afresh, ready for more. 

*** 

    I remember our talk as if it was yesterday. Right before he left to New York…still a girl of 17 suns…he’d caught me up as I was headin into town. Of course I didn’t want any trouble so I went. It was hard bein so honest when I wanted to lie. I wanted to deny for the briefest second that I didn’t love him. I didn’t want the life loving him would entail. But, my heart had chosen...no...decided that Jung Chanjoon was worth its love and I was enslaved to it and to him by way of his lips afterwards. As a woman of 18 suns however, I had made it my mission to try to be true to myself and to my feelings… I couldn’t let my dear brother’s sacrifice go to waste. 

*** 

    “You ready sweetheart? The train’ll be leavin in about three hours and we don’t wanna miss it.” 

    “Yeah I’m comin. Lemme get the dresses you bought me.” Dressed in a simple cotton shirt, newsboy cap and suspenders, he stood patiently watchin as she scrambled to fit the beautiful gifts into a trunk. 

    “Kira girl, we’re not gonna be there the whole time.”

    “I don’t care. You bought these here dresses and I am gonna wear em. Besides, it’s not everyday a southern gal gets to go to New York.” 

    “She’s excited.” Her Mama said, comin to stand beside June Bug. 

    “Yeah that’s fa sure.”

    “You gettin my girl travelin.”

    “Y’all lettin me take her. I thank y’all.”

    “It’ll be good for Kira. Git her some exposure other than these here backwoods.” 

    “Yeah that’s the plan.”

    “So y’all first stop is New York? Then where y’all goin?”

    “Next is Chicago, Michigan and then we’re headin into Washington State.” 

    “Oh y’all goin lots of places.”

    “Kira’ll be comin back y’all way when we get in Chicago. I figure a coupla days there and then she’ll be back home.”

    “Will you be gone for another year?”

    “I hope not. I wanna spend some time here at home with y’all.”

    “God willin it’ll happen baby.” 

    “Maybe on the next trip you and Mr. Burnett can come with us Ma.” She slipped an arm around him and let him kiss her weathered brow. 

    “Thank ya baby but I’m gettin too old to go anywhere. Ya Mama is too. All uses gettin old.”

    “Don’t mean y’all can’t see somethin new.” He said before hugging the small woman. 

    “OKAY. I’M READY.” 

    “You sho bout that lil girl?”

    “Wouldna said it if I wasn’t.” Snickering, his eyes twinkled with merriment and mischief. Oh he’d get her once her Mama wasn’t around. 

    “Here, I help y’all put it in the car.”

    “Mama we not gon drive y’all car.”

    “Then how y’all gon get to the rail station?”

    “Joon arranged for a taxi to come get us.”

    “Oh. A taxi sound expensive.”

    “It’s nothin ta worry about.” He assured with an easy going smile. 

    “If you say so. You tha man. I ain’t gon question it.” Her Mama said, leavin them to head into the big great room. 

    “I’m excited!” She gushed, lettin him pull her close. 

    “You should be.”

    “I’m finally goin somewhere with you.”

    “That’s right.” He said, wrapping arms around her waist. 

    “I do have a question though.”

    “What’s that?”

    “Where I’ma stay?” He grinned. 

    “Don’t worry bout it.”

    “Nawl nawl nawl don’t get quiet now. Tell me where I’m goin.”

    “I ain’t gotta tell you nothin with all your damn back talk.” He gently squished her cheeks together, making her lips pucker. 

    “Shut up and trust me. A’right?” She tried to speak but he silenced her with a kiss or two. She melted like wax and sighed against his mouth. 

    “You hear me talkin to you Kira.” He whispered against her mouth, eyes drowin her. 

    “A’right. I trust you.” He smirked. 

    “Good.” 

    “June Bug I think y’all taxi here.” Her Mama called from the kitchen. Letting go of her cheeks, he chuckled at her pout and knelt to pick up her truck. 

    “Careful with it Joon.” She said softly, watchin him head towards the vehicle. 

    “I pray that things were different Kira. I really do.” Turning towards her Mama, she swallowed. 

    “It’ll be okay Mama. We’ll be okay.” 

    “Godspeed baby. Godspeed to the both of ya.” 

*** 

    “Mister Jung welcome back.” 

    “Told you to call me Joon. I ain’t nobody special.” He said, grinning at the man with a tip of his hat towards the porter. He turned to find her not that far behind.

    “Put the girl’s trunk in my private car will ya Jonesy?” The man gawked at the dark skinned simply dressed woman comin up behind him, careful not to put too much distance between them. 

    “She’s…she’s stayin with you suh?” Chuckling at him, he pat his shoulder. 

    “That she is.” He said nothing else as he hopped aboard, eager to see the private car his boss had reserved for him. It was gorgeous and spacious, clothed in old world elegance and finery. Soon, she stepped in gingerly…. hesitantly. Once the explosion of colors took her sight, she gasped, mouth open. 

    “Oh my Gawdd…” He grinned. 

    “Welcome to our home for a lil bit suga.”

    “Joon…it’s…it’s…”

    “You like it?”    

    “Oh ma Gawd…it’s nothin like anythin I could ever have imagined. I ain’t used to this…” A big shit eatin grin on his face, he slipped hands around her waist. 

    “For a moment, let’s forget about everythin hm? Let’s give ourselves permission to finally just live the way we want.” 

    “Joon…”

    “The way it should be. Just for a little while.” Swallowing thickly, she leaned back against his chest and took in the ceilings, somethin probably seen in them mansions and royal castles. Could she do it? Could she let all the labels and titles and rules fall away? Reaching up, she gently caressed Joon’s jawline, welcoming his kiss. She wasn’t sure she could but she’d sure as hell try. It would be nice to just be Kira and Joon. For a little while yet.