I really like this story, but I have only one constructive criticism... some paragraphs where one character speaks, maybe stress that character that is to talk or who is about to do an action. It is somewhat confusing (maybe just me) Example: "Wanna do it again?" She giggled, then pushed him to the other side of the bed...
Who suggested that DeLeon or Kendra? Because you mentioned her giggling right after he spoke, it comes across that she giggle as she dsaid "Wanna do it again?" Instead it could be, DeLeon gave her a devious smile as he asked, "Wanna do it again?" Kendra's giggle was answer enough for him.
Cool story, don't want to put it down, but it's after midnight and gotta get some sleep for work.
yes, i realized there was some confusion in my placement of responses vs. actions. i'm a growing writer and i started this story in 2010. since then i've made changes in how i write. this is a first draft. i write directly to the Chamber. so it's a continuous process. further along in the story, you will see that i've improved upon that.Reviewer: swirly_girl Signed [Report This]
Date: 09/05/14 02:08 am
Please don't let her die...Reviewer: me Anonymous [Report This]
Date: 08/25/14 06:10 pm
Yay! So happy for these two! They've been through so much and I'm glad they are finally getting their happy ending, even Prince!
So glad things are looking up for you and that you've gotten your groove back:) Welcome back!Reviewer: Amiefuzzy Signed [Report This]
Date: 08/25/14 10:04 am
I.T. you have made my Monday morning fantabulous!! Kendra and De Leon are one of my favorite couples and I am so happy that she lived so they can continue to love. Love thec conversation between Prince and De Leon it shed some more light into Kendrea. K and D both deserve love and happiness. So good!! Thank you I.T.!!Reviewer: pmgayles Signed [Report This]
Date: 08/25/14 08:58 am
These are some interesting characters you've cooked up for this story. I must say that I was wrong about Pa. I thought this story was headed in one direction, but I'm glad I was wrong. The Halperon's (however you spell it) ain't half bad. I'm going to call it quits with this chapter for tonight. Unfortunately, I have to go to my soul crushing job, otherwise, I'd stay up all night to finish this story. Good stuff. Yes. Very good stuff.Reviewer: azzure1020 Signed [Report This]
Date: 08/25/14 02:33 am