Chapter 12- Finding solutions to problematic problems

A few weeks had passed since my disastrous morning after sex with Allegra. Was I doing any better?

No.                    

I was simply going through the motions of life, withdrawing from everyone and spending the time I didn’t pass working listening to sentimental music that made me wallow in self-pity and that made my heart ache more.

Allegra’s silence and rejection has been a huge blow for me. Not only on my self-esteem but on my life. Maybe my father was right. I did not deserve any love and that was probably the reason why Caterina cheated on me and Allegra did not love me.

I sighed as I prepared myself for another weekend in bed. Plugging my I-pod to the speaker on my nightstand, I listened to a few depressing songs such as ‘Lost Without You’ by Robin Thicke and an Italian song that was basically the copy of my feelings for Allegra: Tiziano Ferro’s Imbranato.

Damn. I kept thinking about her. I knew I had to move on, but I just couldn’t. At the end of the day I gave her my heart and I watched as she took it, squeezed the life out of it, poured acid on it before burning it.

“Is he doing any better?” I heard mumbling outside my bedroom door. Laurence.

“No. He does the minimum to get by. He doesn’t even eat that much. I think he is seriously spiraling down to depression. You should hear what he says.” My sister sighed.

In these past few weeks Kirsten had been there for me, comforting me and making sure I took care of myself.

The fact that she was there seemed to demonstrate that she love me. However, maybe she just felt guilty because she has been the one pushing me to tell Allegra how I felt.

Gosh, I missed her. I missed our harmless flirting, our spending time together. I missed being myself around her. I loved her. I just wanted her to love me back, but she couldn’t.

I didn’t blame her. You don’t choose who you love. I just had to get that through my mind and move on.

I exhaled deeply before massaging my temples. I needed to do something. I needed to get out of the city, the country even. I needed time for myself to get my life back on track.

A few hours later I found myself with two rented house for a few months. I was going to spend some time in Tuscany and in the French Cote D’Azur and have fun, and later on I would go around the world. The tickets were already bought. The following Monday I was going to be free. I smiled for the first time in weeks. Life started to look brighter.

I heard a soft knock on my house office door. I didn’t acknowledge it, pretty sure that whoever wanted to come in was going to do so with or without my permission.

The door opened and I kept my eyes fixed on my laptop screen.

“Christopher…”

I looked up and I saw Francesco.

I gave him a small smile. “Hello, Mr—Francesco. How are you?”

“Cut the bullshit.” He sat down on the sofa in the corner of the room. “They told me that my daughter broke your hear after you told her that you love her.”

“Laurence, I presume. Why can’t he mind--?” I started but a look from Francesco stopped me from finishing the sentence.

“When I first saw you two together, I knew that you cared about each other. And trust me when I tell you that I didn’t see my daughter happy since Blake’s death. But she is happy with you. She has feelings for you. She just doesn’t know it yet.”

“You’re wrong.” I sighed in frustration. “You should have seen her after I told her about my feelings. She didn’t even utter a word. She stared at me, emotionless. And she just left me there like some piece of trash. It hurt. And it still does, because I lost the woman I love but also the friend I had in her.” The tone of my voice was dripping with resignation. “You know what? This is not important. I’m taking a break from everything. I leave tomorrow for Europe. I’ll spend some time in Italy and France to try and sort things out on my own before coming back to NYC for Giselle and Laurence’s wedding.”

“Oh…wow.” He looked at me in surprise.

“Is your job offer still valid?”

“Yes. Why?” he furrowed his brow.

“I’m letting father dearest know where he can put his business. I’m fed up with him. I want to do something I enjoy.”

“When and where do you want to start?” he grinned. He waited a long time for this day, I guess.

“Next year. Europe.”

“Why next year?”

“I need a sabbatical year. I want to see the World and do something useful.” I sent him a genuine smile.

“You know you have my support, whatever decision you may take.”

“Thank you, Francesco I appreciate it.”

He chuckled “Good luck, son.”

“I will need it.” I shrugged. I was going to face my father in a few hours.

“What is this, Christopher?” he inquired with non-chalance.

“My resignation. I’m handing you my resignation. I quit.” I told him. My voice calm and resolute.

“Pardon? You can’t resign.”

“Oh yes, I can.” I smiled at him. “Working for you is something I don’t enjoy doing so I’m leaving.”

“I’m disappointed. Your mother wouldn’t want this.”

I grew angry. “Stop with your emotional blackmail. Mom would want me to be happy, not like you who seems to enjoy torturing me with your mental schemes and manipulations. Mom loved me, you don’t.”

“Christopher, you cannot get angry for nothing. I taught you better than wearing your emotions on a sleeve.” He looked down at me as if I was nothing.

“Whatever. I don’t need this. I just wanted to let you know. And now that I am done, I have no more obligations towards you.” I dismissed him.

“You’re being ridiculous. You know well enough that you won’t resign unless you want me to take you out of my will.”

“News flash, father, I don’t want anything that belongs to you. I already have a lot of money saved up, and my trust fund is still there, untouched. You can’t blackmail me into doing what you want anymore.” I smirked as I saw him suddenly becoming pale.

“Christopher, this isn’t funny.” His voice full of anger.

“It’s not a joke, father. I’m done. You pushed me and pushed me and that’s the result. I don’t need you. I don’t need your company. And you certainly don’t need a son you hate and you wish was dead. Don’t you think I know that you blame me for Mom’s death? You wished she didn’t protect me  and let me die. Life would be so much easier for you if I wasn’t here, right?!” I laughed sarcastically. “You’re horrible. I know that Mom gave her life for me. I already feel guilty about it. It would have been better for me to die so Mom could have had your perfect heir, your perfect son. I could never meet up your expectation, I could never do good enough. And to think that you were who I wanted to be. I don’t need to be a resentful bitter old man.” I turned around and turned the door knob ready to exit his office when he called my name.

“Chris…I didn’t…I..” he couldn’t find the right words.

“Save your words for someone who cares.” And I left. A heavy weight had been lifted from my shoulders. I was free.

“You’re really leaving, Bro.” Laurence smiled sadly. “Can’t I do anything to make you change your minx?”

“I’m coming back for your wedding, Laurence. Stop being a cry baby.” I patted him on his back.

We were at the airport, my flight leaving in approximately an hour.

“Be safe.” Giselle said before hugging me. “I’m sorry things didn’t work out between you and Allegra, but you have a whole life ahead of you. Who knows, you might meet someone…” she said in encouragement.

“For sure.” I hugged her back. “Take care of Laurence, please.”

“Are you sure you don’t want her to know where you are?”

“No. And even if she knew she wouldn’t contact me.”

Isobel, Kenzo, Mark and Ben were there as well. My sister couldn’t bear saying bye to me at the airport. We said goodbye by having breakfast at our home.

“Tell Danielle and Lalita that I will keep in touch.” I said to Mark and Ben.

“Obviously.” Ben grinned.

“Promise me that you’ll sign up on facebook, or at least on twitter. If you can both. They are much better than your eternally long letters that don’t get here in time, or your email.” Isobel frowned.

“Okay. I’ll sign up on facebook, or twitter. Okay?” I reassured her.

She hugged me and sniffed. “I’m going to miss you, friend. Enjoy your time. And make sure you have some space for me because I might just come and visit you.”

I kissed her forehead and smiled at her.

“Remember that we are all here for you, Chris. Whenever you need someone to talk to, you can count on all of us.” Kenzo said, worried.

“I’ll remember. Don’t worry.” I reassured him and all my friends. “Let me know when you want to come down and visit. I rented both houses for four months. I’m coming back for the wedding, at the end of August. So feel free. Mi casa es tu casa.”

“I’ll take you up on that offer, Chris.” Mark said.

“Well, it’s time for me to go. I promise to keep you updated with photos and whatever.” I waved at all of them and they smiled at me, happy to see me content for a change.

I turned around and walk towards freedom, excited about things would turn out to be.

I had nothing to lose. My heart was already broken. I was going to heal it on my own.