Chapter 16 – Meeting with my Sperm Donor and the Supposedly Love of my Life

A year had passed since I last was in New York, but now here I was yet again, even if just for a few months before moving back to Europe. I was still trying to decide among three different destinations: London, Paris or Milan.

But that wasn’t important. Now I would get to see my sister and my friends again after a year of only emails, occasional phone calls and letters. I was happy as I’d never been in all my life.

I was perfectly content with how my life was and I was optimist about the future. The time in India truly changed me. I knew I was going to see my psychologist, Lalita, more often, just to make sure that I could deal with problems and adversities in a constructive way. Meditations also helped me with that task.

I reached my apartment, a bit upset that my friends weren’t at the airport to pick me up, but I did realize that they had things to do, jobs to be at so I couldn’t really blame them.

I opened the door and went in with my backpack. I took off my flip-flops, a habit I took because of my spending so much time in temples. I turned on the light, amazed at the idea of even having light. If it wasn’t for the time I’d spent at the Kapoors the other places I lived at didn’t have electricity.

“Welcome home!” I heard people yelling.

I was startled. My sister came up to me and hugged me as there was no tomorrow.

“I missed you, Bro.” I could feel her tears staining my t-shirt.

I hugged her back and caressed her hair.

All my friends came up to me and we ended up having a group hug.

After a few moments I could move about freely.
Laurence looked as if he was emotional.

“I guess that the fact that you’re on your way to be a father is what is making you so sensitive.” I commented.

“I guess you’re right.” He smiled sheepishly.

“4 more months to due date. Any names?”

“We were thinking Christopher if it’s a boy.” He grinned at my face morphed in a mask of stupor.

“Thanks, I think.” I smiled, my cheeks red with embarrassment.

“No worries, Chris.” He said grinning. “I’m glad you’re back.”

“Me too.” I sighed in contentment. “Where is Giselle?”

He frowned. “Working, as usual. She had some patients to see. She is just a workaholic. I’m quite worried about something happening to her and the baby.”

“Don’t worry, Laurence. Everything will be okay. Anyway, we should meet up. All of us.”

“All of us?” he inquired.

I nodded. “Yes, all of us.”

I spent the next few hours getting reacquainted with my friends’ lives.

Isobel was now dating Kenzo and they were in love as ever. Although I knew about their relationship, seeing them together showed me that they were great for each other.

“Chris?” Ben said, his voice full of concern.

I frowned. “Yes?”

“Your father is here. We all told him that it’d be out of line for him to come but we couldn’t stop him.”

“Ben…” I patted him on the back. “Don’t worry. I have to face him sooner or later. I’m not worried and neither should you be. He won’t get to me.”

He nodded in understanding.

“Tell him that he’ll find me in my study.”

“Cool.” He still stared at me intently, to make sure that I was really okay with this.

I sighed deeply, preparing myself for the worst as I walked to my study. I sat down on my chair and waited patiently for Richard Fitzwilliam, aka my father, aka my sperm donor to come.

I didn’t have to wait for long.

I heard a knock on the door and I said firmly a come in. My defense mechanism involuntarily kicked in.

The door opened and there he was.

I looked at him closely. He was tired, the rings under his eyes evidence for that. He had lost a significant amount of weight. And he looked pale and old, so much older than his 55 years.

I motioned for him to sit down and he complied.

I was face to face with him. For a few minutes no words were exchanged between us. We stared at each other.

“Christopher.” He said in sign of greeting.

“Father.” I replied.

“How are you?”

“I’m very good. Thank you. You?”

“Good.” He sighed. “I am seeing a psychologist”

“Oh.” I couldn’t refrain myself from sarcastically adding “Do you need one?”

“It seems that I do. He’s the one that encouraged me to keep trying to contact you.”

I couldn’t take it anymore. I had to express my confusion. “Why this sudden interest in me? I just don’t get it I have any more responsibilities towards you. I quitted, and I won’t be coming back.” ‘Even if you begged me’ I wanted to add, but decided against it.

“I realized that I did you wrong, son. I shouldn’t have blamed you. If I were the one that day, I would have done the same thing mum did.”

I looked at him emotionless I waited approximately 16 years for this moment. I would have gloated and thrown him out of my house in a heartbeat a year before. But I just felt sad about how he handled things with me. And indifferent towards his words.

I sighed. “Well...thank you for letting me know, father.”

He put his face in his hands and he shook as if he was crying silently. But it couldn’t be, right? Richard Fitzwilliam didn’t cry, and even if they did, it couldn’t be sincere.

He dried his tears, whether they were genuine or fake I couldn’t tell.

“Would you be able to forgive me one day?”

“I let go of all this, however, I don’t trust you. You hurt me badly and although I can forgive, I can’t forget.” I shrugged and stared at him, my face a mask of indifference and non-chalance.

“I’m sorry that we lost the chance of keep going on with our father-son relationship.”

“Believe me, I am too.” I paused before clapping my hands. “Now, I have to go and entertain my guests.” I stood up and reached the door. “Father?”

“Yes?” I could see the hope in his eyes.

“I’m glad we talked. Could you please close the door when you leave?”

“Of course.” His voice dripping with disappointment.

I shrugged it off and left I was confused and I needed time to think. How could I know whether he was sincere? At the end of the day he was the man that laughed at me for crying when he verbally abused me.

I felt my phone vibrating in my jeans’ pocket. I took it out and saw a text from Allegra.

‘Welcome back, Christopher. We should meet and catch up, if you want.’

I replied ‘Thank you. Sure.’

I needed a bit of time to prepare myself to see her again. I was going to buy time as much as I could.

I was exhausted but happy. Having had the chance to meet everyone, even my father, had done me good. Francesco wasn’t at the party but we were going to see each other the next day at dinner my sister and Owen were tagging along as well as Misaki and Fujiko. I didn’t know if Allegra was going o be there. A part of me wished so, whereas the other part dreaded that possibility.

The next day came as fast as it could. After hanging out with my sister and her fiancée – yes, my little sister was getting married before me- we were getting ready to go at our destination for the night.

“Kirsten, are you happy?” I was worried Things were changing so fast. She was probably getting married the following year and she was going to move in with Owen in the next couple of months. She now had a stable job at a NGOs and she seemed happy. But she is my little sister. Of course I worried about her.

“I am happy, Chris.”

“You’re just 22. Don’t you think it’s a bit too soon to settle down?”

She sighed deeply. “Chris…”

“Listen, I don’t want you to regret not having done something else in your life. I know Owen is probably the one for you, and I have to admit that I like him, but you guys could have a long engagement.”

She sighed again “We’ll see, Chris. We just got engaged and we haven’t chosen a date for the wedding. At least, not yet.”

I came up to her, hugged her and kissed her forehead. “I can tell that I am making you uneasy. Forgive me. I’m just a worried brother.”

“You’d make an amazing father.” She commented and kissed my cheek.

“At this rate I’ll make an amazing uncle before I’ll make an amazing father.” I grumbled.

She patted my back. “I’ll make sure you settle down sooner or later with the right woman.” She smiled.

I smiled uncertainly. “We’ll see.”

“Why are we going in the direction of Allegra’s house?” I asked when I recognized the route the taxi driver was following.

“Because that’s where we are meeting the Carter family.” My sister explained.

I groaned. “Why didn’t you tell me before. I am so not ready for this.”

“The Drama Queen is back!” she mumbled sarcastically.

I rolled my eyes at her. “Whatever.”

“Don’t worry, bro. Everything will be fine. You can ignore her.” Kirsten tried to reassure me.

“I have no intention of ignoring her. I want to get everything sorted out, however, I didn’t think it was to happen this soon.” I sighed.

“You’re strong, Chris. Don’t worry, you’ll make it just fine.” Owen said convinced.

I nodded. “Okay.”

We were in her house as soon as Francesco told us to come in after I rang the door-bell.

After endless hugs and kisses we were all sitting in the living room.

As I tried to pay attention to the conversation, I kept thinking about all the good memories I had of this place. The time Allegra and I tried to bake a cake and ended up food-fighting, or the routine of finding each other every Saturday night and cuddle on the sofa and watch a movie.

“Where’s Allegra?” I asked, interrupting Misaki.

“She’s in the kitchen. She doesn’t want anyone’s help.” Her mom sighed.

“If you will excuse me…” I stood up and went to the kitchen. I opened the sliding doors and there she was, fixing some bruschette.

“Do you need help?” I asked with a smile.

She turned around and gaped. “I didn’t think you were coming.” Her eyes were full of glee and something else I couldn’t quite put my finger on.

She walked up to me and hugged me for dear life.

I was taken aback at first by this display of affection but I hugged her back, the beating of our hearts strong against our rib cages.

“I missed you.” She whispered. A few tears escaping from her eyes and wetting my pullover.

I sighed. “I missed you too.”

“I’m so sorry for what I’ve done and--”

I interrupted her. “We don’t have to talk about this now. We have dinner, then we can talk on our own.”

She nodded and dried her tears. “You’re right.”

Dinner was a success. After the bruschette we had the pleasure of eating risotto alla Milanese and homemade green tea ice cream served with chocolate brownies.

Now I was in the kitchen helping her doing the dishes.

“How are you?” she asked out of the blue. She passed me a plate and I placed it in the dish-washer.

“I’m great. I loved my year away from it all. I am a more mature person now. I’ve sort out my issues and I helped people who needed my help.” I grinned at her.

We stayed silent for a while.

“My father told me that you are going to move to Europe in a few months.”

“Yes.”

“Is there any chance that you might stay?”

“Highly unlikely. Why?” I was confused by her question.

She took a deep breath. “What if I told you that I want you to stay, that I would love for you to…”

I looked at her expectantly.

“I acted like a bitch towards you. I shouldn’t have left. I was scared. I was scared of my feelings for you. I just ran away because I didn’t want to believe your words. I just couldn’t. I apologize for making you feel like you weren’t enough. That wasn’t my intention.” She paused and stopped rinsing the dishes. She closed the faucet and turned and looked at me in the eye. “I have feelings for you. I fought them but I cannot deny them anymore. I…I am in love with you. It may seem strange and at first I thought it was completely wrong because I felt like I was cheating on Blake, but he wanted me to be happy. I wished I’ve realized this earlier for example after you made love to me and told me your feelings.” I could feel that she was in the verge of tears. “I love you as more than a friend.”

“Wow. I didn’t expect that.” I said clearly not knowing what to do.

“Do you still love me?”

“Yes. But that doesn’t matter. Unfortunately, Allegra, you hurt me badly and frankly, I don’t trust you with my heart.”

“Thank you for the honesty.” She sniffed, she was going to break down any second.

I closed the distance between us and hugged her.

“I’m such an idiot.” She cried on my chest.

I kissed her forehead. “A little bit.” I said sincere.

“You’ll never give me a chance.”

“I might. But we’ve got to re-build our friendship. And then I don’t think it’s ideal for us to start something when I’ll be moving in a few months.”

“I love you so much it hurts.” She looked up at me.

“I know the feeling.” I hugged her to me and sighed.