“I, Thomas Blake Blaschko, being of sound mind and unsound body do hereby bequeath the title and honor of Queen to Dominic Martin.”

Have you ever had someone tell you something so shitty that your mind just goes blank. And god help that bell and the fucking retard who was ringing it. I swung my head around to tell who ever it was to fuck off and all it did was get louder and even more annoying. Shitty shitty shit shit, where the fuck was it coming from. I had all of two seconds to consider it might be the blood rushing to my head before I passed out.

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“D, wait this is good news, great news. You get to run a country, a small country, minuscule, a damn period on the map but a country girl. Why are you mad? Dominic… D… baby girl…….your majesty!”
“Call me that again and I swear I’ll put my foot so far up your ass you’ll have toes for teeth.”

Okay I think this would be a good time for pause and back story. My name is Dominic Martin. I would hope you ‘d have gotten that at this point but between public schools, television, and fast food joints let’s face it the world’s going down the toilet one imbecile at a time. And to those judgmental ass wipes, excuse my French, I mean people who have already decided that they don’t like me no I’m not mean. I’m honest. But I’m rambling, something I tend to do on occasion , back to the point.
Here’s my life story, the edited edition. Born ,poor , poor , poor ,homeless, poor, poor ,orphan, poor, minimum wage, middle class, rich. How I got there isn’t really important. I just built from absolutely nothing the greatest hotel, clothing store, and land development dynasty ever. You know Edna Rose Incorporated. Yeah that’s me. I had spent the better part of fifteen years scrambling my way to the top. I was this close to almost kinda sorta about to try to lay back and enjoy it. The point was, running a country was just not in the cards for Dominic Martin.

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“if you would like to leave a message...beep… Ms. Martin this is Andrew Patterson, your godfather’s attorney. Discussion of his will is of great importance. In case you didn’t receive my previous messages I can be reached at six nine three eight four seven one seven three nine. Again I can be reached at six nine three eight four seven three nine.”
I don’t know why this man kept calling me. Running out of his office after throwing a tantrum any two year old would have been proud of should have told him where I thought he AND my godfather could shove their title. I don’t understand why that little shit head was…
“Was that the lawyer calling again?” Naw really. Him saying his name and that he was a lawyer must have given him away. I hate when he interrupts me in the middle of a thought. What can you do about it. He’s my best friend plus he lives with me plus I hate being alone in this big ass house. It gets spooky. Don’t act like I’m the only one that runs back to their room at night cause you imagine something evil’s following you. Anyway rambling.
“Yeah that was him.”
“Well?”
“Well?” I said.
“What did he say?”
“What DID he say?
“ You know damn well what he said. Are you going to meet him?”
“Hell naw.” He gave me one of his combination I’m so pissed at you slash please please please looks. It’s an acquired skill but he’s mastered it.
“Whatever, I really don’t care.”
“…..”
“You can stand there looking like that until the second coming it still won’t change the fact that I don’t give a damn.”
“…………”
“Michael.”
“………………..”
“You tap dancing all over my last goddamn nerve.”
“……………………………..........................”
“WHAT? What do all want from me? How does my godfather expect me to be handling this. Who is this attorney that I don’t know and don’t know me to come around demanding things and what does he expect me to do?”
“WE expect you to see what’s necessary and then because you’re you, do it.”
“ I don’t want to run a damn country.”
“ did you here me say anything about that? I said see what’s necessary and right now the only thing asked of you was to make a phone call. As much time as you spend on the phone that ain’t EEEEVen a problem.
“I can’t stand you.”
“ I love you too.” That’s one of his greatest features besides being my conscience/sidekick/hero/truth mirror. He’s my secret decoder ring, life size model. He knows what I’m saying even when I can’t say it out loud.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“ Ms. Martin so happy you found the time to squeeze me into your schedule.”
This is why I hate attorneys. Look at him over there with those beady eyes. Thinks he’s better than everybody. Who does he think he is coming along and just fucking up my life. That’s why I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate…
“Well as I’m sure you can imagine I was a bit frazzled. The important thing is that I did manage to squeeze. Also as you mentioned in your, what I think was fifth, message it was my godfather’s last wish. Umm in our last discussion…”
“ You mean when you told me I could go fu…,”
“As I was saying in our last discussion we didn’t really get a chance to get into the details of Pop Pop’s last wishes.”
“Pop Pop”
“ Shut up Michael”
“ Mr. Blaschko thought you might be a bit apprehensive about the position so he took the liberty of recording a message. If you could bring your attention to the screen.”
The screen flickered on. He had one of those old tape players. What were they called ,the VPT’s or TRT? It was something like that. Old people things totally confuse me . I had time to think all of that before his face popped up . Then nothing. All I could focus on was him. It took up every corner of my mind. The more you get to know me the more you’ll realize what a great feat this was. My godfather, my savior, my Pop pop, my nothing. He was nothing to me now. Nothing but a great memory. He was dead . My heart broke a little seeing his face again.
“D D sweetheart if you are watching this then my body has succumbed to this illness. Now I know this is an extremely difficult time for you . As always I’m asking you to step up. I need you. I'm sure you don’t know but I am true born king to a very neglected and poverty ridden country. The people are destitute and the nobility are crooks. As king I am appointing you Dominic Nicolette Martin the Queen of Thernopel.”
There goes that ringing . Where the hell is it… oh yeah we went through this already.