TRIGGER

Are you born with your demons? There with you from inception, to birth, sentient beings living inside you? or are they created through experiences, molded and fed by time, dormant yet thriving in the dark catacombs of repressed memories until they becomes too prevalent to ignore? I want to know because my demons have become my neighbors. Like pilgrims they've landed in the New World of my being, settled there long before I knew their intentions. They've consummated with my fear to create children that now feel like relatives thriving in my bones, their lineage carved so deeply into the fibers of my being that nothing can uproot them now.

Chapter 1

Secrets are dangerous to keep. They rot you from the inside out.  Every dark secret you harbor is a colony of millions of white little maggots crawling and burrowing inside the valleys and caverns of your being. Multiplying, procreating, and eating away at you until everything that you thought you were disappears, leaving nothing but a shell behind. That's what I am. A shell. A husk of the girl I could've been. Vibrant, ambitious, outgoing. I could've been a happy, well-adjusted teenager. But the secrets I've harbored for so long now have leeched life from my soul, turning me into this lifeless girl. Of course I live; the heart beating steadily in my chest tells me so. The tiny little breaths I take, the blood pumping through my veins, the unbroken stream of thoughts are all reminders that I live. And yet they mean so little when you're alive but not living. I'm as good as dead on the inside.

The water feels good pelting down on my bowed head it's hot enough to bring a flush to my toffee skin. But I don't mind it. It doesn't hurt. It's a crude form of what I really want to do anyway, not as effective but it helps. For now...it helps. I'm not sure how long I've been standing in the shower. Probably long enough to make me look like a raisin, but I'm not ready to leave yet. It's taken me a long time to earn back this little bit of privacy, so I intend to enjoy the little bit of time I have left. The bathroom is one of the only places in the house I have that's mine, one of the only places I can be alone for a moment. But being alone sometimes isn't such a good thing. Not for me. Being alone puts my thoughts into overdrive and when they go into overdrive it leads me to doing things that aren't particularly healthy. And just like that the temperature of the water isn't enough anymore. I want something else with a little more bite to it. The all too familiar itch I've battled with for so long creeps up my spine, like a worm wriggling over bruised fruit, searching for a soft spot to burrow itself into yielding flesh. It wants into my brain, into my thoughts so that it can justify this secret need to hurt myself.

Cut.

Cut.

Repeat.

Cut.

Cut.

Repeat.

Filthy. Girl.

You're. Not. Clean.

You'll. Never. Be. Clean. Enough.

The mantra ping pongs around in my head, bouncing off the walls of my mind with resonating clarity. My chest tightens, my heart quickens, I gasp for breath as I squeeze my eyes shut and reach blindingly in front of me. One of several coping skills I've learned at the clinic immediately comes into play and I cling to it with all my might as I set my wet hands against the white tiled wall in front of me. With bowed head and open mouth I keep my eyes closed and begin a steady count back from one-hundred. Every number is accompanied by a long, even drag of hot wet air into my lungs. Gradually the itch retreats back into the labyrinth of my mind and I'm safe to return to sanity. Well-my version of sanity. And though calm now, the boom of my heart persists. It's an insistent tha-thump, tha-thump, tha-thump that echoes too loudly between my ears. 

It's not until I hear, "Times up, Audrey!" that I realize the banging is coming from the bathroom door. I'm not ready to leave yet. I'm not ready to give up these treasured minutes of privacy, but knowing what will happen if I don't, my hand flies to the silver dial of the faucet to turn it off. Any trouble I make guarantees his involvement and that's the last thing I need. Dripping wet, I step out of the tub and reach for the large white towel hanging from the towel rack. It's oversized, meant for someone twice my size buts it's fluffy and newly washed. The fresh clean scent of fabric softener puts me slightly at ease as I dry myself. There's no need to linger, no need to let the towel touch me in places I'd rather forget existed. When I'm done, I wrap the towel around my body, stoop down to grab my dirty clothes from where I'd discarded them on the floor and just as I exit, I drop them inside the tall, beige wicker basket that serves as my hamper. It's an automatic thing when I head to the bedroom door to make sure the silver lock has been turn vertically. Ensuring that it's properly locked, I'm a little freer to walk around the room that's been mine for the last nine years. It hasn't changed much from when the Hanson's first brought me here to live with them.  

The walls are still painted that light peach color Rachel, my foster mother said she'd picked out just for me because she just knew peach would be my color. It's not. It never has been. But that first day, that first week, those first few months, even years later, I still tell her it is because the very real fear of being returned to the group home lives and breathes inside me. Another demon to feed on my secrets. 

Walking over to the all-white vanity dresser I pull open the third left bottom draw containing all my panties. Rachel hasn't bought me underwear since I was twelve, but she might as well have considering how prominent her taste of style is in the choice of undergarments I've bought in recent years. It's a trove of neutral colored cotton lace panties. I grab a nude pair and slip them on beneath the towel. It's not until I retrieve a beige colored bra from the drawer above the one containing my panties, that I finally drop the towel. I turn my back to the mirror as I put on the bra and without a second glance back I move to the white washed teak armoire set next to my study desk. Opening it, I look at the clothes hanging and neatly folded inside. There isn't much of a selection. Even the closet adjacent to my bed wouldn't offer much in a way of variety aside from the long sleeved cardigans, all in neutral colors, the two pair of jeans, the long skirts and dresses that Rachel insists on buying. It's not what I would choose for myself but it's what I've become accustomed to so I wear them because it's so much easier than continuing to make nuisance of myself.

It's Sunday, church day. But because it's strongly encouraged for woman to wear skirts or dresses I grab a dove gray maxi skirt and a black camisole from the folded pile of clothing at the bottom of the armoire.  It's simple and modest; church appropriate and best of all Rachel approved. When I reach inside the armoire for the white, long sleeved cardigan, I stop mid motion as my eyes involuntarily catch the dark brown scar running jaggedly down my right arm. It stands out the most among a sea of previous little light brown cuts and set against the stark background of my caramel skin, it looks twice as bad. But it's not. Forty-five stitches it took to close it back up but the cut isn't really that deep. Everyone just overreacted to Rachel's hysterics. She tends to take things to another level when she's riled up. But then she doesn't know the truth. She just thinks it has something to do with the parents who abandoned me. An inherited history of mental illness. It's better to let her think that. She wouldn't, couldn't handle it if I shattered her idyllic life. Besides, she wouldn't believe me.

No one will believe you.

It's your fault.

No one will believe you.l

It's your fault.

No one will believe you.

It's a refrain that's been drummed into me for the last nine years. It has bled into my subconscious, the demons taking hold of it, manipulating the tenor of his voice, twisting gin soaked words that were not my own but my mind has been convinced belong to me.

A frown pulls my eyebrows together as memories I don't want to remember fight their way to the forefront of my mind. Shaking my head to disperse them doesn't work as snapshots of memories flash across my mind's eye. It's not in order, just a jumble of images. More secrets consummated and birthed in the shadowed darkness of this bedroom. I remember the blood, the warm river of blood streaming down my forearm, soaking the area rug of my bedroom. I remember pervasive hands, masculine fingers caressing my sweat stained skin beneath the comforter. The cloying cologne of too much gin cutting off my breath as he leaned down to-

"Audrey, Mom said to tell you breakfast is getting cold!" the sound of the voice followed by the rapid knocks on the door is a blessed interruption in the flow of memories. Blinking several times to regain lucidity, I hear the retreating hooves of my demons as they drag my secrets back with them to the abyss. For now. It's always a temporary reprieve however. They always come back.

I grab the cardigan, slide into it and without too much hesitation head to the door to open it. The person on the other side is someone you're always happy to see.  Sarah crosses over the threshold and enters my room. She's all gangly legs and arms, only eleven and yet she nearly towers over my 5'5 frame. The height is all her father but the thick strawberry blond hair, dark blue eyes and oval face is all Rachel. Ashley is the child that Rachel and the Greg wanted but never had until a year after they took me in. Their biological child. My adoptive sister. But she feels like a real sister because despite the fact that we aren't related, we have a lot in common. Like the books she's now perusing on the tall bookshelf by my bed. It's taken me nearly eighteen years to cultivate my small library of literature but I'm all too willing to share it with this avid little reader. And it makes me happy knowing that rather than children's book, Sarah is able to appreciate the likes of Salinger, Steinbeck and Orwell. I love the moments when I sit with her after she's done with a book so we can discuss it. She's a brilliant little girl. She's appears happy...well-adjusted. But then an ugly thought creeps into my mind as I watch her. My eyes analytically trail down a coltish frame covered by an ankle length dress her mother undoubtedly picked out for her, and despite myself I wonder if the happiness she exudes is just a fabricated one? A façade that rivals my own? Are there secrets germinating beneath her freckled covered skin? Is she just as infested as I am?

It's not the first time these thoughts have come to mind. I've often wondered if the darkness brought the devil to her doorway too. I was after all only a year younger than her when he first visited me. But then I realize I'm not his flesh and blood. I'm just the little girl they adopted. His blooming little flower.

"Are you finished with The Great Gatsby?" I ask as a distraction from the visual the last thought wants to conjure in my mind. With my hair still damp I wonder if it's worth returning to the vanity to dry it with the blow dryer that's plugged in the only convenient outlet in the room. I'll be forced to look at myself, at my reflection and though it's something I want to avoid at all cost, I know Rachel will say something if I go down with damp hair. I want to circumvent any sort of altercation if I can help it.

She turns to me with a dimpled smile, "Almost. But I want to get started on that book you said I'd like."

"Pride and Prejudice, bottom shelf," I cross over to the other side of the room and take hold of the black blow dryer from the vanity table. "It's one of my favorites." I say mildly.

It seems almost inevitable that my eyes should flick across the mirror forcing me to catch a glimpse of myself. Black, detached eyes stare back at me from a colorless, oval face, further proof of just how odd I am. I hate looking at myself because I fear facing the girl staring back. This fragile, spineless ghost of a girl taught to be afraid of her own reflection. I see her now in that midnight stare. Light brows, sit just above dark eyes framed by full dark lashes. A small, slightly upturned nose gives the illusion that I think myself better than the world, when in all actuality I don't think very much of myself at all. My mouth forms a grimace at the thought, my self-esteem is at an all-time low.

"Got it. Can I take these two also?" Sarah rescues me again from the quagmire of my thoughts and I gratefully turn to her with what I hope is a warm smile. Along with Pride and Prejudice she holds up another Jane Austen book, Sense and Sensibility.

"Yes, of course. We'll talk about it when you're done."

She smiles brightly and when she lingers I realize she's waiting for me to go downstairs. "You go down first. I'll be right there, I just have to dry my hair and grab my scriptures."

She nods. "Just don't take too long, you know how Daddy gets." Yes, I do. He's anally retentive about most things and it doesn't help that his very short fuse goes hand in hand with his neurosis. Being punctual is something he demands of every member of the family and failing to comply has had adverse effects in the past. The bruises from those mistakes have healed now but its left ugly scars beneath the surface of my skin. Scars that no one will ever see.

When she leaves she doesn't close the door behind her but I won't be in my room for much longer. Putting the blow dryer on low, I take hold of the black wooden back, boar bristled brush and make short work of drying my hair. It's roughly twenty minutes later before I set the dryer and brush back down, confident that I've taken out every last bit of moisture from the chestnut curls. It's not too often that I leave my hair unbound and today won't be any different as I section it in two and go to work on plaiting one side and then the other into my customary French braids. Tying the end of each braid with a clear elastic band from the container closest to the mirror, they hang slightly past my shoulders like two black ropes. Stepping away from the vanity with the knowledge that I look as I've always looked, plain, modest and inconspicuous, I head to my bookshelf to find my scriptures, notebook and sketchpad. My beige canvas bag and book bag are flopped along the side of my study desk, exactly where I left them the night before. Grabbing my canvas bag, I set my bible, notebook and sketchpad inside, along with my dark brown charcoal case holder. With any luck I'll have a little time later after church to sketch.