Then


Allison loved him.

She’d said it—right there on that porch. No stuttering—no liquor involved. She just—said it-- like it was the most normal thing in the world. Clearly the woman had no idea what she’d done to his heart, which at the moment felt as though it were about to burst out of his chest or the effect she’d had on his knees which threatened to give out on him in her living room. Carter’s palms were covered in sweat and he watched her put the flowers he’d brought in a vase in silence, his tongue suddenly to big for his mouth. His body was a wreck and all because of three little words---

Carter frowned at the memory of Allison’s declaration, his eyes growing wide with panic as she calmly arranged the flowers in the vase on the other side of the room..

Three little words that he hadn’t said back.

Fuck. How did he miss that? He’d had the perfect opportunity to tell her how he felt and he’d done what? Nodded like a dumbass and shoved some fucking flowers in her hand.

“Nice one Jack,” he mumbled under his breath.

“Jack, these flowers are beautiful,” Allison said. “Where did you find them this late at night?” Allison turned around and set the vase on a small table near her couch. The generous curves of her body were clearly visible through her thin satin nightgown and her hair spilled over her shoulders in a silky toffee colored fall. He struggled to focus on her question as his mind warred between his idiotic fuck up in missing the perfect opportunity to reciprocate her feelings and his growing arousal at the sight of her practically naked in front of him.

It wasn’t like he could just blurt it out and fix everything. She’d know exactly what he was thinking—she could see right through him.

“I uh—found them at a garden,” Carter said.

Allison raised an eyebrow. “A garden?”

“Uh huh.” Jack gestured towards her front door. “Down the road.”

“You mean the botanical garden two blocks away? Did you steal these flowers Carter?”

Carter scoffed at her question and waved his hand in a dismissive gesture. “I left a fifty.”

Allison bit her lip to keep and he could tell she was trying not to laugh. She moved towards him, the nightgown sliding over her body in a hypnotic rhythm which caused Carter’s brain to shut down even further. His only thoughts were how beautiful she was—and how long it would take him to peel the flimsy satin from her body.

“Carter,” Allison said. She reached out and slid her arms up onto his shoulders and sighed. “Those are lilies of the valley.”

“Are they? Good to know,” Carter mumbled, absently fingering the thin straps on her shoulders.

“That bouquet you brought? It’s probably worth around five hundred dollars.”

“Uh huh. They—“Carter’s head snapped up quickly, his arousal instantly abated. “How much!”

Allison smiled and lifted her lips to his. She kissed him gently, ending with a lingering sweep of her tongue across his that caused Carter to pull her closer against his body. He stroked his hands across the small of her back, the satin gathered in his fingers and lowered his lips to her neck.

“Let’s go to bed Jack,” Allison whispered. Carter lifted his head to meet her gaze and reached up to stroke her chin.

“Okay,” he whispered. Allison took his hand in his and he followed, his eyes never leaving the soft sway of her hips as she guided him down the hall and into her dark bedroom.

“I’m just going to make sure Kevin is asleep. I’ll be right back,” Allison said.

Carter nodded and watched her walk out the door and disappear into the dark hall. He turned around and looked at the large bed, his heart back to its erratic pounding. “Okay Jack,” he said. “Remember the rules—no lying on her hair, make sure the condom close by and keep the dirty talk to a minimum.” He paused and tilted his head thoughtfully. “This time at least.”

Carter unfastened the buttons of the tan shirt of his uniform, slid it from his shoulders and placed it on a nearby dresser. He took off his shoes and socks and sat down on the mattress, turning to eye the bedroom doorway. “Guess he was awake,” Carter mumbled. He lifted his legs on the bed and lay back on the pillows, frowning at the cushion of warmth that instantly enveloped his head. “What the—“he shifted and the pillow cradled his neck, propping his head just high enough for maximum comfort. “Why the hell don’t I have one of these?” Carter turned to his side, the pillow soft against his cheek. He folded his arms over his chest and stared at the empty doorway, waiting for Allison’s return.

Two minutes later he was sound asleep.

Now


“This is insane.”

Carter threw his hands up in frustration at Allison’s declaration. “That’s what I’ve been saying.”

“No,” Allison snapped. “You’re insane. You think you can just come into my office and screw with my head like this for—for what—shits and giggles?”

Carter narrowed his eyes and looked and looked at her in amazement. “You think I’m making this up? Why the hell would I do that Allison?”

“You tell me!” Allison shoved her hand into her hair, loosening tendrils from her carefully styled chignon. She shook her head and leaned forward to rest her hands on her desk and fixed him with eyes filled with hurt and confusion. “I thought—I thought you and I were—friends Carter—“

“We’re not friends Allison,” Carter snapped. “I’m in love with you.”

Allison’s mouth opened with shock and she blinked hard two times before speaking. “Why did you just say that?”

“Because it’s true.” Carter moved closer to the desk, leaned forward and placed his hands inches from hers. “I’m not lying to you Allison. I would never do that.” He held Allison’s gaze and willed her to believe him as the panic that had begun as a knot in his stomach steadily rose to chest and gripped him in a painful vice.

“You’re not lying,” Allison said after a long assessing stare. Carter almost collapsed with relief.

“No,” he said. “I’m not.”

“Then you’re obviously sick.” Allison lifted her hands from her desk and walked towards him, her furious expression replaced with concern. “We’ve got to get you to the infirmary—“

“No—no--” Carter shoved his hand through his hair and gestured towards her with an upturned palm. “I’m not sick Allison--I’m telling you the truth. If anyone needs to get checked out, its you.” Allison paused and looked away, but not before Carter saw a flash of doubt in her eyes. “You know there’s something wrong, don’t you!” Carter grabbed her arm and she closed her eyes tight. “Allison—“

“It’s not—,” Allison sighed. “I’ve been forgetting things and—but nothing like this—you’re telling me I’ve forgotten part of my life.” She shook her head sadly. “I’m sorry Carter but I just can’t believe that.”

Carter relaxed his grip and placed his free hand on her other arm, leaning down slightly to look her in the eye. “Look, I know you’re afraid—but Allison you have to trust me. I wouldn’t make something like this up Allie—I couldn’t hurt you like that.” He reached up to stroke her cheek and Allison lifted her hands to his arms. “Please, tell me you believe me,” Carter pleaded.

“I—“Allison closed her eyes tight and groaned with frustration. “I don’t know.”

“Okay,” Carter said. He pulled her into his arms and reached up to stroke her hair. “You’re not sure—it’s a start. We just have to figure this out—you and me—we’ll fix this Allison. I promise.”

“Okay,” Allison whispered. She encircled his waist with her arms and Carter closed his eyes then planted a soft kiss on the top of her hair. He wanted to be brave for her—that’s what she needed—but he was about two minutes away from losing it himself. What the hell had done this to her?

Or who?

Carter gently pulled her from his embrace and gave her a nervous smile. “Okay so—first things first. Let’s get Henry on the phone and—“

She shook her head and cut him off. “Henry’s gone. He’s speaking at a sabbatical and I can’t reach him.”

“Oh.” Carter frowned. “Really? Seem like he would have mentioned it. That’s weird—“

“Nathan.”

Carter blinked hard and looked at her in disbelief. “I’m sorry?”

“Nathan can help us,” Allison said. “If anyone can figure this out, he can.”

“Whoa, whoa,” Jack lifted his hands, palms up and shook his head. “Now let’s not get too excited here—”

“Carter this is serious,” Allison snapped. “If what you’re telling me is true—“

“I know, I know, I’m sorry.” Carter clenched his jaw and his hand drifted absently drifted down to his gun holster. “I just—really—don’t like him.”

That wasn’t completely true. Carter’s feelings for Nathan Stark were more of an intense loathing punctuated by moments of homicidal fantasies, prompting him to empty his gun of bullets whenever he knew he would be within one hundred feet of the guy for any extended period of time.

But all that was kind of a mouthful.

Allison pressed two numbers on her phone and sighed. “Trust me. The feeling’s mutual.”

Then


Allison closed Kevin’s bedroom door behind her and stepped into the dark hallway. He’d been asleep when she’d gone to him, but as always Allison had found herself watching her son, longing to know what he dreamt about if anything.. She’d stayed longer than she meant to—partially to watch Kevin’s steady breathing and partially to calm her frayed nerves about the man waiting for her in the other room. .

It had just felt right at the time—like not saying it would be lying somehow. Carter seemed pleased but had been quiet ever since—barely responding when she’d invited him into her bed. She knew he wanted her—his eyes had told her as much—but she still wondered if her spontaneous declaration had frightened him more than she’d anticipated.

Allison straightened her back, her jaw tightening with determination. She’d never begged a man to want her and she wasn’t about to start now. If he felt that like they were moving to fast, she’d just let him no in no uncertain terms that she didn’t have time to wait for him to catch up—he either felt the same or he didn’t.

All or nothing.

“Please, God, don’t let it be nothing,” Allison whispered. She took a deep breath and pushed open her bedroom door to find Carter spread eagle on her bed, his mouth open wide and the room filled with the shattering sound of his snore. “Right,” Allison sighed. “Of course.” She made her way to the bed and placed her hand on Carter’s shoulder and gave it a gentle squeeze. “Carter? Jack—“

“Mmmm,” Carter stirred in his sleep and turned over to his side. The snoring stopped and Allison shrugged.

“Well that’s something at least.”

“Allison,” Carter mumbled.

She frowned at his strained voice. “Carter? Are you awake?”

“Don’t go.”

Allison slid into the bed beside him. “Carter,” she whispered. She leaned down closer and Carter furrowed his brow, lost in his dream.

“Please. Allison, don’t go.”

‘I’m right here,” Allison said. “Wake up, you’re dreaming.”

“Allison!” Carter rose with a start and blinked at the gloom of the dark room. His brow was covered with a fine sheen of sweat and his breathing was ragged the sound loud in the silent house. Allison touched his arm he flinched in surprise.

“Jack,” she said carefully. “You were having a nightmare.”

“I was?” Carter gasped. Allison nodded cupped his chin, forcing him to look at her.

“Yes—a nightmare.” Her voice was firm and she held his gaze until he nodded, indicating that he understood. Allison looked down at his hands and frowned. “Oh God, you’re shaking.”

“Allison—“Carter grabbed her hand and pulled it to his chest. “I need to tell you—before when you said—I didn’t say it back—“

“Shhh,” Allison interrupted. She wiped the perspiration from his brown and shook her head. “Carter—“

“I love you Allison. I always have—“

“Okay,” Allison said with a soft smile. “It’s okay Jack…” Carter stared at her, his chest rising and falling erratically. He pulled her towards him and wrapped his arms around her waist, holding her tight against his chest. Allison returned his embrace, speaking low into in his ear as he buried his face in her neck. “It’s okay,” she repeated. Carter whispered against her neck, his words muffled and so low she could barely make them out.

“I thought I lost you.”

Now


“What do you mean she’s not there?” Carter yelled into his cell phone, causing Allison to jump in surprise. He grimaced and mouthed an apology which Allison waved away. “She was sitting on the couch when I left Jo. How could she just—“Carter paused and Allison watched him, taking in the tense set of his shoulders and the deep lines of worried firmly etched into his face. He had been that way ever since she’d pushed him away—bracing himself as though he were in physical pain.

“I’m not—look could you try to find her for me? She’s ten years old with curly brown hair, kind of light—shoulder length. Uh—biracial—major chip on her shoulder and talks like she’s seen too much Oprah.” He paused and rubbed his eyes, his shoulders tensing even more. “I told you before its Faith—her name is Faith.” Carter hung up the phone and Allison looked away, busying herself with pushing her pen holder to the other side of her desk.

“I’m sorry about that. This little girl just showed up outside my house this morning and wouldn’t tell me who she was or where she lived. I sent Jo to keep an eye on her—“

“Is that what you were talking about earlier,” Allison asked. “The thing you mentioned on the phone?”

Carter nodded. “Yeah—she was there when you called--kept fucking with me about watching too much Lifetime.”

Allison smiled. “Well you have seen Mother May I Sleep With Danger more times than any man I’ve ever met—“

“Hey, Tori Spelling was really underrated for that—“Carter paused and raised his hand with wide eyes. “Wait—“ he gestured towards her. “You remembered something—about me.”

“I already knew that Carter.”

“Oh, come on Allie, I never would have told you that unless we were dating.”

“You didn’t,” Allison said. “Zoë told me.”

Carter’s face fell and Allison felt something unravel in her chest as she wondered many more times disappoint him before all this was over.

“Oh,” Carter said. He reached up to shove a hand through his hair and looked at her through narrow eyes. “Remind me to ground her later.”

Allison looked up as the door to her office flew open and Nathan Stark entered with his usual arrogant flourish. His eyes moving back and forth between her and Carter with cold dispassion and his lips curved into a mocking smile. “Oh look—the star-crossed lovers reunited once again,” Stark laughed. “I hope I didn’t miss any embarrassing double entendres.”

Allison raised her hand irritably. “Not now Nathan—‘

“How many times you practice that in the mirror before you got here,” Carter asked. “Two—three?” Carter smiled and wagged his finger in Stark’s direction. “I liked the emphasis on entendre at the end--very Willie Lowman.”

“I try,” Stark said with an elegant shrug of his shoulders.

“Nathan, we need your help. Something—is apparently wrong with me—“

“Acceptance is the first step Allie,” Stark interrupted.

Carter rolled his eyes and fixed Stark with a hard glare. “Take a breath Stark and listen to her for Christ’s sake.”

“I’m forgetting things,” Allison said. “Lots of things.”

Stark paused and gave her a thoughtful look. “You have been a little scattered lately.”

“I know,” Allison replied. “I’ve also—had nightmares.”

“Like before?” Stark moved towards her, all traces of his earlier amusement gone.

“A little,” Allison nodded.

Carter moved forward, blocking Stark’s view of Allison and lifted his hand. “Whoa, wait,” he said. He looked down at her in confusion and Allison shifted her gaze in response. “You’ve had nightmares like this before? Why didn’t you tell me—“

“Shut up Carter,” Stark snapped. “It’s none of your business.”

“None of my—“Carter rounded on Stark and fixed him with a hard glare. “Everything that happens to this woman is my business.”

Stark fixed narrowed eyes on Carter, his tone dripping with disbelief. “Are you high?”

“Nathan,” Allison said. “Carter thinks—he told me—“

“She’s forgotten everything,” Carter interrupted.

“Carter.” Allison crossed her arms over her chest and glared at the back of Carter’s head.

“What do you mean everything,” Stark said.

“He means our relationship, “Allison said. “His and mine.” She gestured towards Carter with a shrug of her shoulders. “Carter told me that we’ve been together for over a year now—that we were about to get engaged.”

“Engaged,” Stark said. “Is that right?”

“Yes—engaged.” Carter snapped. “She doesn’t remember any of it—not our first date, not falling in love with me—“Carter paused and turned to looked at Allison. “Nothing.”

“Nathan—I thought he was crazy at first,” Allison said, smoothly avoiding Carter’s eyes. “But if I’ve really lost over a year of my life—maybe—“she hesitated, frowning down at the floor. “I’m the one that’s losing my mind.”

Stark paused for a moment and stroked his beard thoughtfully as he looked at Carter from the corner of his eyes. “You’re not crazy Allie,”

“I’m not,” Allison gasped with relief.

“No.” Stark pointed at Carter. “He is.”

“What,” Carter gasped.

“I don’t know what he told you but whatever it was is a lie.” Stark shoved his hands into his trousers and rocked back on his heels. He raised one dark eyebrow and stared at Carter as he spoke. “None of that ever happened Allison. He’s making it all up.”

Stark barely had time to blink in surprise before Carter’s fist smashed into his face and sent him flying to the ground.