Chapter Twelve

I’m So Lonesome I Could Cry

As she recalled that very…vivid…dream she’d had in her second trimester, Kat felt a curious mixture of heat and chills running throughout her whole body. She hadn’t thought about that dream for years, and had absolutely no idea why she still remembered it so clearly. Not that she minded, necessarily…she just wished now, as then, that it had ended a few seconds earlier, when the cowboy’s identity was still a mystery.

Despite how unsettling the dream had been, and how running into Scotty in the kitchen at three in the morning had helped not at all, Kat had managed to go back to sleep that night, and after putting a few more hours’ slumber between herself, Scotty, and the dream, then seeing him in the cold, sober light of morning, she’d been able to return to normal. Mostly. It helped that they were both fully dressed for their next kitchen encounter, and Kat had been too focused on getting Veronica up, fed, and out the door on time to pay even the slightest bit of attention to her new roommate.

Well, okay, she’d paid some attention. She’d gained a new appreciation for what Scotty Valens had under that suit… but that was it. And it was, as she’d told herself repeatedly that morning, just a dream. Hell, if she’d seen Jarrod after any of the dreams she’d had about him, there would have been no telling how she’d have reacted. But she kept reminding herself that it was just a dream, dammit, and it had absolutely no bearing on real life, so she needed to put it behind her, treat Scotty like she always did, and act normal on the outside until she felt that way on the inside.

With a touch of pride, Kat smiled at the memory of how she’d even managed to keep her cool that morning at work, when Stillman informed them that they’d received a new lead on a case…one that required Scotty and Vera to go spend some time at Philly’s largest country bar.

“Ride ‘em, cowboy,” Vera had snarked as he’d grabbed his coat from the rack.

“Yee-haw,” was Scotty’s sarcastic reply, and that exchange caused Kat to choke on her coffee. She felt her roommate’s curious eyes on her as she coughed and spluttered and tried to regain her composure.

“Y’okay?” he asked her, his brow creased with concern.

“Fine,” she croaked. “Just…got the coffee down the wrong pipe.”

“Okay,” he’d conceded, with a brief, searching glance. Kat shot him the fiercest glare she could muster, and despite her weakened state, it must have worked, because he’d studied her for only a split second more before shrugging and heading out of the office, no doubt chalking up her strange behavior to pregnancy hormones. You got no idea, Valens, she replied silently, eternally grateful that morning for her dark skin. She had no idea what the hell she’d have done if she were the type to blush.

As Kat turned onto her mother’s street, she shook her head as though to physically clear it of all the sudden, unwelcome thoughts. Goddammit, she swore inwardly. What the hell is goin’ on with me today? Why am I thinkin’ about all this crap again?

Determined to put the past firmly out of her mind, she sped up a bit, focusing every bit of her attention on driving the last few blocks to her mother’s place. She did fine, too…until she had to unbuckle her daughter from her car seat.

She’s so beautiful when she’s sleepin’, Kat thought as she opened the back door of the car and gazed at the little girl, who still slept peacefully, clutching her beloved purple stuffed octopus to her chest. Despite the fact that she could be a holy terror during her waking hours, Kat admitted with a grin, it was all worth it when her daughter was asleep. Only then would she hold still long enough for Kat to take in the girl’s creamy, caramel-colored skin, just a few shades lighter than her own; her full, rounded cheeks, her long eyelashes that, for the moment, hid her eyes, eyes that were a warm chocolate brown and twinkled with more-than-occasional mischief…eyes that were a carbon copy of Scotty’s. Her coal-black hair curled naturally in tight ringlets, another contribution from the Valens side of the family. For the longest time, Kat had heard rumors that Scotty had possessed a head full of wild curls as a child. He’d flatly refused to show her proof, but one Saturday afternoon while he was out, his mother had come over for coffee and some quality time with her granddaughter. When Kat relayed Scotty’s reticence to show her pictures, Rosa Valens had whipped out her wallet and shown Kat a well-aged photo of a decidedly curly-haired two-year-old Scotty, then sworn her to secrecy, which Kat managed to promise despite her gales of laughter.

With a blissful sigh, Kat paused in her unbuckling, taking a few moments, moments that were all-too-fleeting, to just watch her daughter sleep. Everyone always tells you they grow up so fast, she mused, brushing a stray curl from the little girl’s forehead, but you never really realize just how true that is until it happens to your own.

Not surprisingly, it wasn’t long before she found her thoughts wandering into the past yet again…

June 17, 2009

It started with a backache. That was all it was. Just a backache. A little menstrual cramp-like twinge at five in the morning that awakened Kat, made her massage her lower back just a bit, then think about beginning the minutes-long struggle to roll over. She’d been sleeping soundly on her left side for about five hours at that point, and she figured that, since the menu of comfortable positions was dramatically reduced by this stage in her pregnancy, perhaps she was just stiff, so she decided to roll over to her other side. By the time her sleep-addled mind had reached this conclusion, however, the pain had disappeared, so Kat abandoned her plans to switch sides, and within seconds, she was fast asleep once more.

The pain revisited her again when she woke up for good a couple hours later. It was a bit stronger this time, and, despite her concerted efforts to hide it, she noticed a worried frown crease Scotty’s features that morning as he made the coffee and she poured a bowl of cereal for Veronica.

“Y'okay?” he asked, his voice rich with concern as he studied her carefully.

“Fine,” Kat replied, squeezing past Scotty to stash the cereal back in the cupboard. “Just late pregnancy aches and pains. Nothin’ to worry about, and nothin’ I can’t handle,” she finished, with a pointed glance in his direction as she closed the cabinet door.

“Yeah, okay,” Scotty agreed, but the tone of his voice indicated he didn’t quite believe her. As he poured the coffee into his travel mug, he started to say something else, but Kat read his eyes and cut him off.

“Veronica!” she shouted up the stairs. “You got ten minutes! I don’t care that it’s summer break, you’ve still got a schedule! Now get down here, I ain’t callin’ you again!”

“Okay, okay, I’m coming,” the exasperated-sounding girl called back from her bedroom.

“Well, I’m off,” Scotty declared, popping the lid on his mug and heading out of the apartment. “See ya at work.”

Thank God, she thought with relief as she heard the door click shut behind him. Now I can take a couple damn Tylenol without gettin’ the third degree. After popping the pills into her mouth, she surreptitiously slipped the bottle of pain relievers into her bag just as Veronica’s footsteps thundered down the stairs.

***

“Whoa, wide load comin’ through,” Vera remarked cheerfully as Kat stormed into the kitchen almost an hour later. She shot him a glare as he smirked at her, making a show of stepping aside so she’d have room to pass. She didn’t even really want to be in the kitchen in the first place, and Vera wasn’t helping. Just the idea of food was turning her stomach, but she remembered some cranberry juice stashed away in the fridge, and that, for some reason, was calling her name.

“Shut up, Nick,” she snapped, her eyes sparking with anger and her temper rising more than it normally would, thanks to the fact that the damn Tylenol hadn’t kicked in yet. “Just ‘cause I can’t see my feet anymore doesn’t mean I can’t still shove one of ‘em up your Pillsbury Doughboy ass.”

“Whoa,” Vera replied with his best version of an innocent grin as he raised his hands in self defense. “Just messin’ with ya.”

“Yeah, well, go mess with someone your own size,” she retorted as she started to open the fridge, then saw the mischievous twinkle in Vera’s eyes and realized what an easy opening she’d given him.

“Whaddaya think I’m---?” he began, but she silenced him with an icy glare.

“Keep it in, Fatass,” she ordered him, rummaging in the fridge for the juice. “I’m in no mood.” Finally, she spotted the carton, poured some juice into her coffee mug, and downed it in a single gulp.

“Hey,” Vera protested. “I was savin’ that.”

“Growin’ a person here,” she reminded him, with another ferocious glare.

“But---“ he started to say, but Kat cut him off.

“Pregnancy trumps gluttony, buttmunch,” she informed him. He began another protest, but she shot him her patented Death Glare, and the half-formed words tumbled back into his throat.

“Man, I’ll be glad when you have that baby,” Vera griped as he shuffled back out into the squad room.

Kat sighed wearily. “You and me both,” she agreed softly as she poured herself another glass of juice and rubbed her back once more.

***

They hit the ground running shortly thereafter, and the day promised to be a busy one. Jeffries, using his last vacation day, was at home recovering from the jet lag incurred from taking that long-planned trip to Croatia. Although the squad still couldn’t picture Jeffries anywhere near a beach, let alone one in the Balkan Peninsula, they were all happy he’d finally taken the time off.

Meanwhile, Kat was glad that Will’s long-overdue vacation meant that they needed her presence in the office more than ever, giving her a trump card with Scotty. Not surprisingly, he’d urged her to start her maternity leave early, reminding her pointedly that Veronica had arrived four weeks ahead of schedule, but Kat had shut him down with a look and a declaration that it wasn’t going to happen that way, not this time, and besides, she wanted to work as long as possible. The end of pregnancy was bad enough, what with the uncertainty and the discomfort and the waiting, and she’d be damned if she was gonna spend those miserable weeks sitting at home, completely useless, doing nothing except watching bad daytime television while awaiting her miracle. She had absolutely no intention of wasting her precious maternity leave on soap operas when she could be saving those weeks for getting to know her newborn daughter.

After hearing her out, Scotty had given her a look that told her, in no uncertain terms, that he wasn’t a hundred percent behind her decision, but she’d given him a look in response that had told him, in equally certain terms, that he’d better back the hell off and let her make it for herself. And when Jeffries had announced his travel plans, that seemed to silence most of Scotty’s objections, although she still caught him casting worried glances in her direction from time to time, much like he was doing that morning, as he and Lilly sipped coffee and went over notes from an interview they’d done the day before.

Stillman came out of his office just then and handed out assignments, sending Scotty and Vera off on an interview together, and then handing Lilly a file full of information on another witness.

“Take Miller and go see if you can get to the bottom of this,” he instructed Lilly, then cast a curious glance at Kat, who was rubbing her lower back yet again.

“You all right, Miller?” he asked kindly.

“Fine,” she nodded with a wry smile and a glance down at her enlarged belly. “Just…pregnant.”

Stillman grinned. “Well, we’re glad you’re still with us.”

“Me, too,” she agreed with a smile, then popped another couple Tylenol into her mouth before beginning the long, infuriatingly slow process of getting up from her desk and waddling her way out to the parking lot with Lilly.

***

Thanks to a thick layer of clouds, the weather wasn’t as warm as Philadelphia could be in mid-June, and Kat was eternally grateful. It was sweltering enough as it was. Lilly was even thoughtful enough to keep the air conditioner in the car on full-blast, although Kat could tell from her blonde colleague’s repressed shivers that she was doing so at the cost of her own comfort. That silent gesture, that little extra bit of thoughtfulness without making an enormous deal about it, touched Kat deeply and took her mind off the pain in her lower back, at least for a little while. That pain, though…despite all the Tylenol she had in her system, it wasn’t going away. Not at all. In fact, the cramping sensation was getting gradually but undeniably stronger, and now it was accompanied by reasonably frequent, though thankfully painless, tightening sensations in her lower abdomen.

Great, she mused. Braxton-Hicks. Just what I need. She grimaced as another wave of back pain hit, and she felt Rush’s eyes on her, but Lilly didn’t say a thing, and Kat was grateful. Boss had definitely made the right call, sending her out with Rush today. Scotty would be worried sick by now, she knew, even though there was absolutely no reason for him to be. At the most recent appointment, Dr. Bridwell had given no indication that labor was imminent; in fact, she’d said just the opposite.

“Looks like our little princess is gonna be happy to hang out for a while,” she’d remarked as she helped Kat back up to a sitting position after her weekly exam. Scotty, stationed in the chair by the door, had clearly been unconvinced, but Kat had shot him her by-now patented I know what I’m doing, so don’t give me any of your mother hen worrywart crap look.

As another aching surge hit, Kat was eternally grateful that she wasn’t having to answer fourteen thousand “Are you sure you’re okay?” questions from Scotty, and she was also thankful that she wasn’t having to put up with Vera’s smartass remarks. Normally, they didn’t bother her; in fact, she welcomed their verbal sparring, but lately, particularly that morning, she’d just wanted him to shut up and back the hell off, and he hadn’t seemed to get that. She’d even come dangerously close to punching him on at least two occasions, but she’d stifled the urge and instead settled for shooting murderous glares at her obnoxious colleague. It’s just the hormones, she reminded herself, chagrined that, essentially, she was winning Vera’s sexist arguments for him.

So, all things considered, being paired with Lilly today was a relief…and, Kat realized, an unexpected comfort. Rush had never been pregnant, and, as far as Kat knew, had no designs on having children anytime soon, so, as usual, most of their conversations centered around work. Lilly never asked Kat if she was still sleeping well, if she had any swelling, whether they’d picked out a name yet, or any of the other obnoxious inquiries she had to deal with from pretty much anyone else she talked to. It wasn’t that Rush didn’t care; Kat knew, if she ever needed anything, that Lilly could be counted on in a heartbeat…but, unlike the others, Rush just wasn’t one to dwell on the personal lives of her colleagues, even when those personal lives manifested themselves in…rather obvious ways. And after dealing with Scotty’s perpetual worrying and Vera’s constant teasing as to the profitability of smuggling basketballs under one’s clothing, heading out with Lilly was a breath of fresh air, a welcome bit of normalcy. Yes, Boss had definitely made the right call. As Kat relaxed as best she could and reveled in the companionable silence occasionally peppered with theories on the case, she realized that, despite her physical discomfort, it was shaping up to be a pretty good day.

***

After the interview, Kat sank gratefully into the car seat and let out a sigh of relief. Just that short walk from their witness’s house back to the car had taken more effort than she ever wanted to admit, and she was glad to be sitting once more. Not a second too soon, either, she realized, as the viselike grip of another Braxton-Hicks contraction seized her. She couldn’t stifle the slight moan that escaped her lips as her back pain suddenly worsened yet again, and she knew that, despite the fact that she’d managed to play it extremely cool during the interview, she couldn’t hide from the penetrating gaze of Lilly Rush any longer.

“You okay?” Lilly asked lightly, slipping the key into the ignition.

“Fine,” Kat replied, through gritted teeth. “Damn Braxton-Hicks.”

“Ah,” Lilly answered with understanding, as she started the car and pulled away from the curb. She paused slightly, and Kat sighed with relief as the pressure in her abdomen released and Lilly stopped scrutinizing her.

So relieved was she, in fact, that Rush’s next question caught her off-guard.

“So…that one you had three minutes ago…that was Braxton-Hicks, too?” Lilly asked, her voice casual, but laced with that no-nonsense tone she used with suspects.

Oh, shit. Had it really only been three minutes? Surely not. Surely it had been longer than that. No way. No…it couldn’t be… labor. Couldn’t be. Dr. Bridwell would've said something. Besides, labor hadn’t been like this with V. She’d had pain, yes, but not back pain. Not like this. So it couldn’t be labor. Nope. Uh-uh. Not possible. It was just those damned annoying false contractions that---

Her thoughts were abruptly ended when Kat felt a sudden flood of warmth between her legs and realized, with a curious mixture of elation and panic…that her water had just broken.

“Guess not,” she replied weakly. “Thought it was, but…”

Lilly responded with a tender smile. “But what?” she asked.

“But my water just broke all over your car,” Kat grinned sheepishly.

“Oh, it’s fine,” Lilly assured her with a casual wave of her hand, as if cleaning amniotic fluid out of her upholstery was an everyday occurrence. “I was headed for the hospital anyway.”

Kat’s eyes widened as she realized the truth. How in the hell had she missed that? How had she been so oblivious to the fact that they were heading in the opposite direction from the office? How long had Rush been paying attention that closely? How had---?

“Miller…I’m a detective,” Lilly reminded Kat matter-of-factly, with an arched brow.

Kat’s only response was a tremulous smile as she attempted to absorb the reality of the situation. It was really happening. It all made sense now. She was in labor…back labor, from the looks of it. The baby was coming. She and Scotty were having their baby.  Today.

***

Within moments, Lilly had pulled up in the circle drive outside the hospital and was helping Kat to the entrance. Normally, she would have been fighting off any assistance whatsoever; she wasn’t an invalid, dammit, she was just pregnant…but somehow accepting help from Rush was okay, where it wouldn’t have been with anyone else.

She had no idea how Lilly knew her way around that hospital so well, but, thanks to her colleague’s expert guidance, within moments they were in the Labor and Delivery unit and Kat was in triage, fetal monitor strapped to her belly, and fighting the urge to panic. By the end of the day, she’d have another child. She figured she should have been thrilled, and a part of her was, but…holy mother of God, she wasn’t ready for this. She wasn’t ready to be a mother twice over. She hadn’t raided her mom’s attic for Veronica’s baby clothes yet. The crib was only halfway put together. They still hadn’t decided on a name. And that damn backache was killing her, but she was bound and determined not to ask for pain medication. No way. She’d had her reasons the first time, damn good ones, and her convictions had wavered not at all in the ten years since. Besides, much to her surprise, the moment they placed V on her chest…that made the pain fade faster and more thoroughly than any drug ever could…and she wanted that moment with this baby, too. Wanted to be able to bond with her like she’d bonded with Veronica. So she’d be fine. She’d just go into a trance like she had last time. She’d ignore the pain and the horrible loneliness and just focus on the baby and her body and…

Scotty.

His face shattered through her bubble and reminded her that it wasn’t going to be exactly like last time. Scotty actually wanted to be there. He’d wanted to be there from the beginning. He wanted this baby to have a father. And he’d promised her that she wouldn’t be alone.

“Scotty,” she managed weakly, clutching at Lilly’s hand as she stood beside the bed. “He said---he wanted to…“ she trailed off as another contraction gripped her.

“I’ve already tried to call him,” Lilly replied casually, but Kat caught a faint shadow of concern flitting across her colleague’s porcelain features.

“How many times?” Kat asked, her heart beginning to sink with sudden, almost devastating disappointment. It was irrational, she knew…but she couldn’t stop the feeling any more than she could stop this baby from coming today.

“Just twice,” Lilly answered, but Kat knew Rush was lying. From the look in her eyes, it was more like five. Maybe even six.

“Gimme my phone,” she ordered, and Lilly nodded, then began to search through the plastic bag that now contained Kat’s belongings. Scotty probably thought Lil’s repeated calls were just about the case, Kat reasoned as Lilly located the phone and handed it to her, and maybe he figured they could wait. But he’d answer her call. He’d glance at the caller ID and realize it was her and answer, no matter what he was doing. He’d been worried about her for months, even more so that morning. No way in hell would he not pick up if he knew it was her.

Satisfied, Kat frantically dialed the familiar number…but her call went straight to Scotty’s voicemail. With a sigh and an increasing sense of desperation, she tried the office. No one answered there, either.

Though she tried her damnedest, she couldn’t fight off the fear that began to course through her when she got Scotty’s office voicemail. Hearing his voice, even the professional-sounding version where he merely told whoever was calling that he was away from his desk and would return their call as soon as he could…that made a sudden wave of ineffable loneliness wash over her. He’d said he’d be there, dammit…and he wasn’t.

Get a grip, Miller, her brain reminded her. It’s a workday. He’s out on an interview with Nick. Who knows what’s going on? Those things could take hours…

But as much as she tried to fight it, she realized she was slipping…slipping into that long, dark, lonely tunnel she’d been in with Veronica. Never mind the fact that Scotty wasn’t Jarrod, never mind that he’d been there for her whole pregnancy instead of rotting in a jail cell, never mind that he genuinely cared about her and their daughter. The simple fact remained that she wanted him there. Needed him there, more than she could put into words. And he wasn’t.

“Go…go find him,” Kat implored Lilly, hoping the simple directive would be enough. “He needs…” she trailed off as another contraction hit and she focused for a second on breathing through it.

“He needs to be here,” Lilly finished for her, understanding in her eyes.

Unable to speak, Kat merely nodded.

“Let me try callin' him one more time,” Lilly suggested, but Kat saw the hope fade from Lilly’s expression as soon as it had appeared.

“He’s still not pickin’ up,” she said reluctantly, flipping her phone closed and stashing it back in her pocket.

“Go find him,” Kat repeated, a bit more urgently, grabbing Lilly’s hand at the peak of her contraction, then gradually loosening her grip as the pain faded.

“You’ll be all right here?” Lilly asked, the first bit of sympathy Kat had heard from her all day suddenly apparent in her voice.

“I’ll be fine,” Kat answered, and Lilly studied her for a moment before nodding, squeezing Kat’s hand slightly, then letting go and disappearing from view.

I’ll be fine when he gets here, she amended as a solitary tear slipped from the corner of her eye and traced a slow path down her cheek.