Title: Chapter 13: Visor
Constructive Criticism
First, I do like this story, but second, I think an editor/beta-read could help it a little. No one is perfect including me (I always find mistakes but my editors really save me at times.) I may be wrong or alone in this, but it feels like the grammatical errors really throw the vibe of the story off.
Example: She had scoffed loudly, drawing eyes and ears, it grew silent. They WAS listening for a single word.
Edited: She scoffed loudly, drawing her colleagues' attentions which she instantly noticed by the halted conversations about them. She couldn't help but to think, 'Gah, didn't these people have a life?'
Another thing, this is somewhat confusing; when one character speaks, you state the other character's action or facial reaction in the same line. One character speaking should be that line alone. The other character's verbal, physical, and/ or facial response should be a whole, new, and separate line altogether.
Another example: "In all honesty, I just wanted to make you smile." She scoffed at him.
That line could have been interpreted that SHE SAID the "In all..." and was being sarcastic because you wrote that she scoffed at he end of his dialogue line.
Your writing is great, it's just the semantics and syntax that slows down the story. Please don't be offended by what I noted, I really like your story, your style of writing; and can't wait for the next chapter, I only commented because I wanted it to flow better.
Author's Response: First I want to thank you for your review! I appreciate it!!! Second, girl bye this does not offend me at ALL. I ask for constructive crit all the time haha. I want to improve myself any way I can! I thank you for your in depth review with specific areas and examples! Much love to you sweetness! Hope you continue to enjoy my story! :D
D&L <3
Reviewer: swirly_girl Signed
Date: December 27 2015
