Knowing who you are

The walk back to the flat was nice, just holding hands was enough to make them both happy. Sora wanted to savour these times because even if neither of them wanted to talk about it, their time in London was coming to an end, which meant moments like this wouldn't happen so often.

Seeing Sora lost in thought Yung gave her hand a little squeeze which brought a small smile back to her face.

“What's wrong?” He slowed down and turned to face her.

“Nothing its fine.”

“Really” he sighed knowing that something was definitely bugging her, “Hold on I’ll be right back.”

“Ah—” but before Sora could say anything to stop him he was already off.

Sora leaned against a lamp post beside the road. She hadn’t meant to put such a damper on what was one the best evenings in her life. She glanced down at her watch, 11:30pm, and then just stood wondering where Yung could have gotten to.

“Dad! Dad! Hurry up, hurry!”

“Michael, slow down I’m coming.” Sora smiled at the cute little boy carrying a miniature football under one arm, and the tired father running up behind him. “Gotch ya, you little muchkin. Come on, we better get home before your mother calls.”

“Put me down put me down!” She watched as he wiggled about in his football uniform.

“Alright, alright. Hold on now I just need to take some money out from the cash machine. Stay next to me.”

She watched as the boy started to play around with his ball, somewhat jealous of how much fun he seemed to be having because of something so simple. Being a child and so carefree looked like so much fun in retrospect. A part of her felt that she lost out on that childhood.

She watched as he played the clapping game, throwing the ball up in the air once and then clapping once, twice and then clapping twice and so on. Until he got to six and didn't manage to catch the ball. She frowned at his obviously disappointed expression and then got concerned when the boy started to follow the path of the rolling ball, which was heading in the direction of the road.

“Sora? Sora?!” Alicia turned around in confusion frantically searching for her daughter.

“Michael? Michael?!” The man turned around after finishing his transaction realising his son had begun to wonder off.

“Sora no! Watch out!—” Alicia's eyes widened in horror at what was about to happen if she didn't do something, the car was turning the corner too fast and the driver seemed preoccupied with his phone conversation when he should have had his eyes on the road.

“Michael!! Michael stop!” He ran after him.

Alicia ran out knowing that she had seconds to save their precious daughter, she made a choice and pushed her daughter out of the way.

Sora moved at the same time knowing she was closer. She grabbed hold of the boys collar just as he stepped out onto the road, pulling him away from the fast approaching cab. The car horn blared at them but she ignored it, feeling only relief as she fell backwards with the boy safely in her arms.

“Michael! Thank god!” The man reached down to help Sora up. “Thank you so much! I don't know what I would have done if anything happened to him.” He wrapped his arms protectively around the boy who now stood crying from the shock of what had just happened.

Sora stood up, what had just happened? Those images that had flashed through her mind, they were so clear....... “Say thank you Michael.” Her attention went back to the boy.

“Thank you.” The little boy wiped away his tears and hugged her.

“Its fine, but from now on make sure to listen to your dad, OK?”

“Okay.”

The father continued to thank her before leaving with his son, his hand tightly wrapped around his.

Sora once again found herself standing alone, but this time she was consumed by her thoughts. They weren't just images that had flashed randomly through her mind, they were memories of the accident.

I walked out on to the road. Just like the boy, I was following something. She shut her eyes trying her best to concentrate. What was it? ….....I dropped something.........? we had been at the park playing and then we were walking back home..............but we stopped by this shop display, it was filled with brightly displayed jewellery and craft items, mum was talking on the phone...........her face looked upset. I was just playing around with something, and one dropped and rolled away.........I just didn't think.....I just followed it without saying anything................And then I remember this loud noise, just like today, a car horn, and this feeling of being pushed and then the force of hitting the side of the pavement and—

“Sora!” Her eyes opened startled. “I'm sorry it took me so long” he held out a twister ice lolly “this is one of your favourites right, it took me ages to find a place that sold it at this time.”

He stood and waited for an answer, and then got worried by the strange expression on her face, “...Sora?”

“Ah, thank you. Yeah it is one of my favourites.” He watched as she forced a smile on her face. He didn't understand, her mood seemed worst then before.......

“Sora, are you okay?”

It took everything in her not to break down and cry, the truth was she didn't have the confidence to tell him. I killed her.......she died to protect me. She didn't know what to do any more, how had things changed so drastically from ten minutes ago let alone from the afternoon. Where had her strength gone.

“Sora?”

“I'm just tired. I guess the concert took more out of me then I realised.” She smiled at him as best as she could, knowing that she couldn't hid the stillness in her voice. “I just need to get home, you know, get some proper sleep for tomorrows shoot.”

Yung was still worried he knew just by looking at her eyes that there was more going on, but he just had to trust that she would tell him when she was ready. “Okay, let's go, I’ll get a cab.”

*

“Are you sure you don't want me to stay over? I’m just worried.....”

“I'm fine, really I just need to sleep that’s all. I’m fine.” She knew she was repeating herself too much but she just couldn't think of anything else to say, she had already texted Nao and Teru and asked them to come back to the flat instead of staying over. “I'll see you on set tomorrow right? Last day of filming with you guys, I’m excited.” Yung frowned inwardly, last day of filming, he hadn't even realised it himself. Was this what was bothering her?

“So am I.” She turned to open the door, “Sora,” she turned back to face him “saranghaeyo.” She stood rooted to the spot as his eyes held hers in an intense gaze. She had heard him say it before, but now she understood it, he had the same conviction in his voice that she had when speaking at her mothers grave.

“I love you to.” .She whispered the words back, before turning back and leaving him. But I need to sort myself out....

*

Sora sat on her bed clutching her phone, she had been staring at it for hours now, waiting till she was sure both Teru and Nao were asleep. She brushed away her tears with the back of her hand, she needed to speak to someone, and there was only one person who she knew she could call at this time.

She waited as the phone rang.

“Mushi mushi Sora-chan daijoubu desuka? [hello, Sora are you okay?]”

“Otou-san [Dad]” she felt herself start choking up as tears rolled down her face, “I—I've done something unforgivable.”

“Sora.” Shiro rose from his chair in concern.

“I—it was my fault the accident. Mum, I killed her.” her voice came out as a chocked whisper.

He froze for a second, trying to digest her words. “Sora.....”

“I went out into the road, she pushed me out the way.” The words came out as a muddled rush of emotions. “...Tou-san [more informal like daddy]........I—”

“Don't cry” he could feel his daughters pain through the phone and it hurt him not to be there to console her. “Listen sweetheart, it’ll be okay everything will be okay.” He heard her hiccup, struggling to breath through all her crying. “Listen to me. I promise we will get through this together okay?”

“But” she struggled to get the words out clearly, “I'm a murderer dad. It's all my fault. Don't you hate me? I took her away from you. I took away the person you loved. If—”

“What ever happened it's not unforgivable. That's something I made peace with long ago. This doesn't change that Sora. What happened was an accident, you didn't do anything on purpose okay? Some things are just out of our hands. They just happen, like a game of chance and fate. We just have to believe that things happen for a reason. If your mother hadn't have made that decision I know she wouldn't have been able to be at peace with herself.

I would never throw that decision back in your face. Do you understand that, never. I—we, love you so much Sora. Love isn't something that can be tossed aside.”

“Otou-san. I’m so sorry I love you both so much too. If I could change this I would.”

“I know sweetheart, I’ve said that to myself countless times. If I could I would swap places with your mother in a heart beat. But we can't. So we have to keep living well in her memory.”

“I know.” She felt herself calm down, as the pain dulled. She knew that the guilt would never go away though. “I know.”

“Listen go to bed okay, it must be really late over there. Get some sleep. I’ll be on the next flight over.”

“Otou-san—”

“No arguments. I’ll be on the next flight over from New York in the morning, family comes first no matter what.”

Sora felt relieved, she really needed her dad right now.

*

Sora woke up feeling more refreshed and herself again, if she had had dreams she couldn't remember them but at least they weren't nightmares. She looked at herself in her bathroom mirror before splashing more water on her face. Wasn't it just yesterday that she had been telling people that it was when you were at your lowest point that you really found who you are. Well she was strong, not weak, whatever her demons were she would face them and overcome them. She would not let herself crumble because of something that was no longer in her hands.

Today was her last day of filming with the guys and although there were still a few other activities after, and the guys still had some scenes to edit, she wanted to really enjoy her last day on set with them and everyone else. Despite everything, her time in London had been one of the best experiences abroad ever. Meeting Iconic and making some life long friends, finding a relationship. Being able to visit her mothers grave, performing on stage, making some really good contacts. But most of all just being able to walk around freely without having to worry about bumping into fans. It sounded selfish but meeting one fan at a time, that was fine, being bombarded with a whole bunch at once was just scary. She would really miss this, the late night trips to the corner shop, going shopping with Yung, eating out after a long day of practice. These were the good things in life.

*

“Hyung are you okay?”

“MinSo-ah, yeah I’m okay, just a bit worried.”

“Did something happen?”

“I don't know, I think so, she just hasn't talked to me about it yet....”

“Don't worry hyung, Teru said that Sora tends to try and solve problems herself before talking to others. So I’m sure she'll talk to you when she's ready.”

“Umm araso.”

“Come on we better get into hair and make up otherwise Nao and the other ssaems will get annoyed at us.”

“Yeah let's go.”

Hair and make-up didn't take too long, within the next two hours ICONIC were ready each in their outfits on set. Yung checked his phone for the hundredth time, but still there were no messages from her.

“Ah Mio-ssi.”

“YungJi-kun, good morning.”

“Good morning, I’m guessing you being here means Sora's here right?”

“Right.” He couldn't help but here the slight edge to her voice. “YungJi, would you mind if I talked with you for a minute? It won't take long.”

“Sure.”

“Look. I’m Sora's manager but I’m her cousin first, understand? She's like the younger sister I never had, I’ve always looked out for her because she means the world to me. Even when my mother, her aunt, showed her hate, she held no prejudice against me. And yet people treated her with unjustified prejudice on a day to day basis. I made a mistake when I judged Kouta's personality. Now I’m wondering if I’ve made a mistake judging you.”

Yung stood rooted to the spot, suddenly under interrogation.

“Being in a relationship takes serious commitment for anyone, for an idol, it takes more. People in this industry love to see someone go from a nobody to a somebody. But what they like even more is seeing that person fall from that pedestal. Wakarimasu ka? [understand?] I don't want her to go through another scandal. Or for you to for that matter. I’m upset that you both kept your relationship from me and your manager, but as her cousin I do understand. What I want to know is what now? She lives in Japan, you live in Korea. You're both at the prime of your careers, so where does a relationship fit into all of this?”

She waited for an answer.

“I don't know.” No matter how much he wanted to deny it, he had been asking himself that same question a lot these last couple of days. “I just know that I don't want us, our relationship, to end. I care about her a lot Mio. And I’m sorry we kept this from you, but I think at the beginning we were both unsure about what we wanted, about our feelings for each other. I know this isn't the most confident answer, but it is honest, but I can promise you that I will never do anything that puts her in a harmful situation.”

Mio took note of his serious expression, and the honestly in his eyes. “Okay. Look here's what we are going to do. I’m going to have a word with Sora after the shoot. Me, you, her and your manager will sit down together and talk about this as adults. After all I can see that your serious, and knowing her she'll be just as stubborn as you. In the meantime, I'd appreciate it if you two kept a friendly distance from one another. We can't afford other people getting the wrong impression.”

Yung grimaced, I guess that means no staying over at hers tonight. Mio didn't miss his change in expression. “I'm serious Yung, we're having a small security problem right now.”

“Security problem?”

“....We found a blog online it seems that a very enthusiastic fan has been following Sora. We're not sure how credibly it is though. They haven't posted any bad images that we know about, but in some of the comments they're talking about very particular places that we've been shooting at. But we've got it under control, I’m just taking some extra precautions, especially as, because of the concert, a lot more people are aware that she's somewhere in London. I’ve not told Sora yet though, she had a lot on her plate, with her mum and I’m guessing you too now, I just don't want her to freak out about it, it's just not the right time.”

Yung nodded in approval, after seeing her mood yesterday, she certainly didn't need any thing else to upset her. “I understand I’ll be careful.”

“Good.” She smiled at him with a certain amount of respect and gratitude, it seemed like he really did care. “Look, Sora's just by the café we're filming by. She's not looking 100% herself right now, maybe you could go cheer her up, as a friend.” she added.

“No problem.”

*

Sora smiled softly as Yung approached her.

“Hey” she said.

“Hey.”

“About yesterday...”

“Don't worry about it, just tell me when you're ready okay? Just know that whatever's troubling you I’m always here to talk to.”

“I know. And I promise I will, I just need to....sort things out in my head a bit more I guess. Just give me a bit more time, it's not that I don't trust you. I love you, so much Yung, you wouldn't understand how much. I just...need more time.”

“I understand yeobo. I do.” He wanted to kiss her, to comfort her more, but he had heard Mio's warnings loud and clear, so he gave her hand a quick squeeze.

“Come on let's go enjoy our last day on set together. Miss biker chick.”

Sora burst into laughter. “I can't believe I’m doing this stunt myself. I’m so excited.”

“Be careful though, okay?”

“Don't worry, it's not the first time I’ve been on a motorbike, Mio may not look the type but she owns one, so I’ve had the odd ride here and there. Plus it's pretty simple just act out my scene with you then we'll do the stunt takes. All I have to do is drive down the road and turn the corner out of shot.”

“I know, just make sure you're wearing all the safety gear, and don't become too much of an adrenaline junky with the speed, OK?”

“Um, promise not to go too crazy with it.” She laughed some more, wondering how it was that he could cheer her up like this. “Let's go.”

*

“Good job on set today guys.”

“Thank you Choi-ssi.” Yung and the guys all said in unison as they bowed.

“Come on lets go and take a look at Sora's stunt scene.” MinSo whined grabbing a hold of YunHwa's arm.

“Araso, araso.” YunHwa pulled his arm away, “geeze your in such a hurry, anyone would think that you couldn't stand to be away from a certain someone's friend.” MinSo blushed.

“Shut up hyung I just want to support Sora, there's no harm in that right?”

“Yeah yeah. Come on JaeMan-ah, Yung-ah.”

“Yeah why not I’m sure Sora on a motorbike will be a site I won't want to miss. Right Yung?”

Yung hit him hard on the shoulder. “Yeah my yeobo will look good, she always looks good.” They all laughed at Yung's new found possessiveness, it would become a new game of theirs.

“Come on then!” MinSo rushed off.

They sat by the side of the road safely out of the way. JaeMan was right Sora looked good, really good. She wore the motorbike gear as if she was wearing high end fashion, with style and elegance. He watched as her first take went well, it seemed that he really didn't have to worry she was good.

“Okay, let's do a couple more takes” the director called out.

*

“Hello, yes, okay. Yes, I understand.” Mio excused herself from the rest of the team, who were busy filming Sora's scene and went to find a quieter area to talk. “Listen find a way to take down those photos right now......what do you mean they've been up since morning. I couldn't care less about how long they've been up find a way to take them down now!” She couldn't hide the anger in her voice, she hung up the phone, only for it to ring minutes later.

“Hello? What no?......Listen I don't know what magazine or newspaper you're working for but I only have one thing to say NO COMMENT!”

*

YunHwa noticed that Nao was looking a bit more flustered then usual as she rummaged through her bag. “What's up?”

“Arhh, I wanted to take loads of pictures seeing as it's our last day on set together but I’ve run out of memory. I don't suppose one of you guys has a camera I can borrow?”

“Umm I think MinSo does” he turned to look for him only to see him a bit preoccupied with Teru. “Yung! Hey, did MinSo bring his camera in today?”

“Umm I think so.”

“Could you go check, Nao was looking for one.”

“Yeah sure,” he turned back to the filming, she only had one take left anyways “I'll be back in a second.”

It took Yung a bit longer then expected to even find MinSo's bag in the temporary dressing room, but after rooting around for it and opening it up he finally found the camera.

He heard a loud ruck-us coming from outside, and then footsteps that came rushing in his direction. The door swung open and YunHwa came crashing in.

“YungJi!” he could see the urgency and distress in his eyes, and noted how he called him by his full name, “Yung—Sora, she, there's been an accident.”

*