Growing up

*

Sora tried her best not to cry “Please don't close your eyes. Mum....”

Alicia heard the distress in her daughters voice and forced her eyes open again, “it's okay Sora, look at me sweetheart, I promise you I’ll be okay.” Sora stared deeply into her mothers eyes, and saw the calm that comforted her. “Listen why don't we both close our eyes, and when you open them again your dad will be there to take care of you..”

She closed her eyes. “....Dad will?”

“Yep, he'll look after you......”

“...what if he doesn't like me?”

Alicia laughed, ignoring the taste of blood and agonising chest pains. “...Your dad adores you.”

“Then why isn’t he ever around?”

“He would be if he could baby, but you know I send him pictures of you almost everyday. Remember, he loves us very much, that's why he's away right now. So that you, me and him can be happy in the long run. So that we can all be a family. Then you can meet your grandma and grandpa, and aunts and uncles. You even have a cousin not too much older then you.....”

“I don't need to meet them though, I just need you!”

“Aww baby, we all need family. I don't ever want you to feel as lonely as I felt growing up.” She could feel herself slipping away, pain being replaced by an expansive feeling of numbness. “I wish you could have met your Nana and Uncle Jason they would have loved you too....I'll tell them all about you...”

“....Mum?......” Sora kept her eyes squeezed shut “....mum...............mummy...........” She didn't dare open them, this time she would do exactly as her mum said, she would keep them closed and would not open them until her dad was there. Maybe once he came she would also open her eyes too....... “DAD!...........Dad!............... Daddy!..........”

She sat there curled up, her mother's blood stained her dress, her eyes squeezed shut, still screaming out for her dad to come.

*

[3 days later]

There was a knock at the door, “Can I come in?”

Sora turned her head around“Yeah otou-san, of course you can.”

“You've been up since morning then?”

“Um, it feels a bit strange still, I don't feel sleepy though not like before. But it's just weird, you know, the whole waking up and losing months of your life, my own birthday, and almost Christmas too. I guess the world just keeps on revolving.....”

“My world didn't.”

“Otou-san....I know this sounds strange and maybe I just imagined it all but I swear I saw mum.” Tears fell down her cheeks. “She hadn't aged a day from when I last remembered her. She was so beautiful. Everything, the way she smiled, talked, walked.”

“Sweetheart...”

“I'm okay, I just can't really explain it. What it felt like being in a world where she was there too. It felt so natural....but at the same time I knew that that wasn't why I was there, not to stay........... to remember. I sound crazy right.”

“Not to me baby. I will always understand you.”

“Then maybe now I can tell you everything, everything that I remember. Maybe now we can both get proper closure, and move on....”

*

I looked at the young me that sat curled up and screaming out. She was a part of myself who I had forgotten, no, more like rejected. I had abandoned myself........

“I'm sorry.” I turned to face my mother as she spoke, “Sorry that I didn't have the strength to stay with you. To be there as you became such a beautiful young woman. To be there as you continue to develop.... I’m sorry that I couldn't hold your hand at that very moment and tell you that everything is going to be okay.......but you have to let go. You have to let go of me. Of your guilt, because until you do that you'll never really grow up. There will always be that little girl locked up inside of you in pain.”

I felt the warmth of her arms as she embraced me. I felt all her love in that one moment.

I had never really understood what it meant to grow up, to mature, to become an adult. I strived for it though, fought for my independence, for people to recognise my existence, to be in a spotlight so bright that it would blind me and put the rest of the world in a darkness that I could dismiss...But that wasn't growing up.

Growing up is acceptance. You have to accept yourself, the good and the bad. Because it's only when you can truly accept and love yourself that you stop questioning why others love you.

Actions have consequences.

But it was still an accident.

*

Sora sat upright in the bed and observed her dads reaction to everything she had just told him.

“It was an accident.” He said, not with a smile, or with anger, or even with regret. He said those four words with acceptance, with love.

“You could find him, couldn't you? The person who was behind the wheel, I remember everything now, his face, the sound of his voice, what the car looked like......even the license plate.”

“I could.” He didn't doubt it, money was not an issue.

“But that wouldn't really change things....”

“No......it wouldn't change the events that day...”

“Even though we could, I don't know if I want to...... Just like us, that person will have to live with what he did for the rest of his life. But he won't have closure.......maybe one day he'll seek us out?”

“.........Maybe he already has....” The words came out of Shiro's mouth quietly, he had been unsure as to whether or not he should tell her. But seeing her now he knew that it wasn't something he should keep from her. She wasn't that six year old girl any more, clinging on to him desperately, she was a young woman. And old enough to make her own decisions.

“What?!”

“When you phoned me later on that day you visited your mother's grave, something bothered me. You said there were roses and tulips already there. I had only sent tulips that week, I didn't really think anything about it at the time. But these last couple of months I was constantly going over everything in my head. Every conversation we had, every word you had spoken to me....”

“Dad...” She reached over and held his hand tightly. “Can you trace them, the flowers?”

“Your grandfather is already looking into matters. Sora............I need to know if this is the right thing you, for us. Forgiving a nameless person is very different from forgiving a person who you can identify. Someone you could potential see face to face.”

She looked him dead in the eyes. “I can, we both can together. Whether the results are good or bad, all three of us need to put this behind us.”

*

YungJi, YunHwa, JaeMan, MinSo and HyunShik sat in chairs arranged side by side on the raised platform. Each had a mic and glass of water in front of them. They had all prepared for the press conference.

Mr Choi stood centre stage, “Thank you all for coming today, as many of you might have guessed we have an announcement to make.” He let the tension build as they murmured between themselves. “...ICONIC will be taking a hiatus.” the press went wild, cameras flashed and hands flew up in the air as each reporter was keen to have their questions answered. “Calm down please. After the success they had with their last tour, and this last year, we as a company would like each member to have the opportunity to develop as an individual. Question may now be directed to either me or ICONIC. —Yes?”

“This is a question for you: What do each of the members intend to do during this hiatus?”

“I can't go into details at the moment, but I can say that in the future we are looking at solo album releases as well as possible roles in dramas. —Yes”

“A question for YungJi.”

“Ye...” He smiled openly.

“Is it a coincidence that this news has been announced just a week after the Japanese singer Sora was confirmed to be in recovery?”

“mwuh rah goo?! [what did you say?!]” He stood up suddenly letting his chair fall off the raised platform.

*

“Yung you have to understand—”

“I don't have to do anything! Why didn't you tell me Mio?! Why!”

“I'm sorry but she didn't want to see you. There have been complications.”

“Mwuh? [what]”

“Yung....Sora's paralysed. I mean it might be temporary or it might not... ”

His grip tightened on his phone as a shocked silence settled between them.

“..........And!?.....Mio I don't care whether she's paralysed or not, that doesn't matter to me. And I don't care what she said, you should have told me. I need to be there. She needs me to be there......”

She could here the determination in his voice, she knew he was right. No matter how much Sora had been avoiding talking about him, Mio had still caught her flicking through magazines or even watching the TV in hopes of hearing about him, she obviously still cared about him.

“...............Okay. I’ll get you on the next flight over.”

**

Sora turned her head at the knock at the door. “Come in.”

Mio poked her head round the side before stepping in “Hey.” She held up a box. “I brought doughnuts.”

Sora smiled. “I could definitely do with a doughnut right now.”

“Do you need help sitting up?”

“No, I’m fine.” She used her arms to push herself up on the bed, and moved each of her legs to one side so that Mio could sit on the bed next to her. “So what’s wrong. You only ever bring me doughnuts when something's bothering you.”

Mio sighed and laid back next to her with a cream filled doughnut in hand. “I guess I do, don’t I.....” Sora took a bite of a chocolate ring doughnut and waited knowing that she would start talking when she was ready.

“..........YungJi's on his way.”

“What! Mio I said—”

“I know what you said” She snapped back. “I know....but you're just being stubborn.” She took a bite of her cream doughnut. “He deserves to see you Sora. I know he wasn't here in person, but everyday he phoned or texted or emailed me to check on you. He sent flowers, he.......”

“I know he did. I know he loves me. I know, but I don't know what I'd do if that changes. If he took one look at me like this.” She looked down at herself in frustration. “I can't even go to the toilet without help.......”

“Sora—”

“I've had to deal with a lot....” She thought about her acceptance of the past. “.....And I still have to deal with some things.” she felt nervous at the thought of coming face to face with her mum's killer. “I don't think I could deal with losing him. I just need time, I know I can get better........”

“You're underestimating him.” Mio sat up and reached over for her bag. “You need to watch something, to understand his feelings. And if you still don't want to see him then I promise I’ll make sure he doesn't even step a foot in this hospital.” She took out her laptop and clicked on a video she had loaded on her web browser. “Watch it. I’ll give you some time to yourself.”

She got up, doughnut still in hand, and left before Sora even had a chance to argue back.

Sora sat staring at the laptop for a while, trying to work out what was so important that Mio would bet everything on it. Eventually she reached over and picked it up and pressed play.

*

I maximised the youtube screen and pressed play.

The words 'My Love' written in black calligraphy faded on to the screen.

What?! I cringed as I saw a video of the 4 year old me. Wild messy locks of brown curly hair, a pair of purple denim dungarees over a long sleeved white top. I sat on the steps outside my old house in London. I had seen this video clip before, it was one that my mum had filmed and sent to my dad.

“Sora, hey!” I watched as the young me shifted her attention from whatever was distracting her and focused on the camera, a wide smile on her face.

“Yes?”

“Why don't you repeat what you said to mummy earlier.”

“...about what?”

“What do you want to be when you grow up?”

I could see the excitement on my face. “I'm going to be a singer! And a dancer!”

“Really?”

“Really, really. Because I wanna make people smile just as much as you make me smile when you dance! I’m gonna be just like you mum!”

The clip faded out and an into a clip of Yung sitting on those exact steps. He looked amazing, his hair was semi tied back, his eyes catching the afternoon sun, that made his skin take on a rich bronze tone. He stared straight down in to the camera, as if he was looking directly at me. The background music faded in as he begun to speak.

“People keep asking questions about what happened while I was in London. Well I only have one thing to say to those people. It was simple, I fell in love.”

“Sailor Moon!!!!!” My eyes widened in shock as I watched the clip that it transitioned into, no one was meant to see this. It was after a long day of dance rehearsals when everyone was feeling exhausted and a bit down. Me and Teru had thought it would be funny if we re-enacted the poses from one of our favourite animes Sailor Moon. It was so cringe worthy because we were so into it.

The sound of his voice overlaid the montage of photos that followed, it was a ballad. I listened intently to the emotion, not just the meaning of the lyrics. Some parts were in Korean whilst other bits were in English. My heart ached as I heard the deep embedded love that he was singing about, the way he perceived me.

From that very first time he saw me in the restaurant..........how my long bangs had framed my face so perfectly, drawing him into my deep brown eyes.

To the time when we had gone out phone shopping, and he had found himself watching me without realising it himself. Watching the way I frowned just slightly, at the prices. Or twitched my nose when I was in deep thought. To the way my fingers absently moved a strand of hair from my face.

He sang about how he didn't know he could love this hard. That he could find someone who wasn't perfect, but was perfect for him.

A girl that was gorgeous not just in body, but in mind too. Who's laugh made him want to laugh, who's smile made him not just smile, but want to be the reason why she smiled.

I was the girl who made him understand what love was, what it meant.........

I focussed as another video clip faded in.

“yah!” I watched as a sour pouty expression formed on my face, after a day of filming, the last thing I had wanted was to be filmed by Yung. “Yung! Stop filming meeeee~” You could hear him chuckle at my annoyed expression. The camera position changed as he bent down and kissed me on the forehead.

I remember the pleasant shock of that kiss, and the lingering warmth it left behind.

“You're so cute, you know, even when you're trying to be angry” He teased.

I remember trying not to smile at that comment, but now, watching it from his point of view, I could see that I had failed miserably at that. It was so clear that I was no longer angry.

Every expression

Every time you look at me

Smile at me

Think of me

Those are the moments that will stay with me

Because you're the only girl who I could love like this.

The only girl that understands all parts of me

All I can give you back is my love

He smiled that small smile of his.

But it's you, so I know my love is enough.

**

Sora patted down her hair and sat up at the timid knock at the door. Mio had already told her he was coming, and she had been waiting very patiently ever since watching the video. “Come in.” Her voice sounded slightly raspy from nerves.

But that all changed the minute he walked through the door. He was angry, she could tell from the look in his eyes. But there was so much more beyond that anger. The relief, of finally seeing her awake, the love, but also the sadness, as his eyes flicked down momentarily at the lower half of her body covered by her blanket. The silence that settled between them was comfortable, as if they both needed that time to just look at each other. To take in every aspect of the other, every change.

Without saying a word Sora moved herself to one side of the bed and gave him a soft smile. He walked over and lay next to her sighing as she snuggled up next to him. “I'm still pissed at you....”

“I know.” She smiled as he kissed her softly on the forehead. “Yung?”

“Yeah?”

She looked up at him. “I love you.” He broke out in a massive smile with a 'well duh' expression on his face.

“Love you too. Always have, always will.” She wrapped her arms around him tightly, taking in his scent and savouring his warmth. “Sora?”

She rubbed her head against his chest lovingly, snuggling up even closer to him, making sure that nothing could get in-between them. “Yes?”

“I know it's a couple of months late but Happy Birthday.” He kissed her lightly. “And I know its a couple of days early but, Merry Christmas.” He bent down and kissed her more deeply this time, knowing that a part of him had feared that he would never be able to say that to her, that she was never going to wake up.

“Merry Christmas.” At that moment Sora felt content. Yes she had overcome some things, and yes she still had more to overcome. But at that exact moment, none of that mattered, because she knew that she would be fine. Because she wasn't alone, through all her parents sacrifices they had given her her greatest strength, family. The people who, despite their faults, would always standby her, and her family now included YungJi.