Make It Nasty

©Awarded Emmy

Chapter 17

Sometimes it's okay to feel guilty- rather- embarrassed by something you did in the past. When I was a junior in high school I was plagued with a low self-esteem stemming from a traumatic childhood experience. This bout of insecurity led me in the wrong direction a few times too many. It's scary to feel uncomfortable in one's own skin, I was unsure of how I should and would control myself. I wanted something so bad- or so I thought, that I changed myself completely for it.

I regret that now.

I feel like too many things are indefinitely missing.

Like whether or not he actually liked me for me.

And...

Why I wanted him so badly in the first place...

I recognized the risk of seducing my brother's best friend, but I continued with my plans like it didn't matter. Why? Why did I do that? To myself and to him...No doubt he is probably just as confused as me.

My first step in facing this messy situation is admitting that I made a horrendous mistake.

I made a mistake.

Second step is to analyze the mistake that I made for what it actually was.

Pursuing Logan Isley just because he was Logan Isley.

Because I loved when his golden hair would blow in the breeze and his earring would catch sunlight. I loved when he'd cock his head to the side and tease me with that cute little smirk. I liked hanging out with him and making him laugh... While at the same time I loved how he made me laugh...

The guilt and the mistake lands in how I went about gaining those memories. What made me think that he couldn't like me for me?

I understand that because I chose that route my relationship with Logan Isley can never-ever be more than me being his best friend's sister. Because I chose not to respect myself, how could I possibly expect for him to respect me?

‘Make It Nasty'?

Why?

Why did I have to ‘Make It Nasty'?

Since it can't be undone I'll just have to ‘make it right'.

And the first step in that process is admitting everything to the one and only, Logan Isley.

***

Logan sat next to Darrell on his living room couch. Usually there would be a video game on the TV and a remote controller in his hand, a smile on his face, and a beer on the coffee table.

But today was different.

He had to talk to Darrell- apologize to him and come completely clean.

Darrell had been ignoring him for the last week. Of course he had it easy though, since they were back in school completing their final semester of high school, and he always had some little excuse of, "This is my last semester, man. I gotta focus."

Logan understood completely.

Darrell didn't tell him.

And Emery hadn't told him shit. Logan was half-suspicious that Emery was trying to ignore him as well. And it made him angry. After he'd let her stay in his home- no matter how short the stay- she blew off all of his texts.

Cassidy had reported that Darrell did not go back to her apartment to talk. He'd sent a text that said, "I don't remember shit either... I hope you can come up with more convincing evidence." She'd been upset by his text and called for Logan. She didn't have any other proof.

All Logan could tell her was wait until the baby comes and then perform a paternity test.

Logan had assumed the baby was Darrell's because in all of the photos him and Cassidy were practically glued to each other, but at the same time he also believed a paternity test should be issued because it wasn't like there were pictures of every second of that night.

Logan finally turned his head to look at Darrell and break the silence, "Cassidy agreed to do a paternity test."

Darrell's head shot in Logan's direction and his light brown eyes formed slits as he bit out, "You would fucking know."

Logan stood up from the couch and held his hands up in surrender, "I fucked up, dude. I should've told you about something so serious a lot sooner. I'm sorry. I thought I was helping."

"Well you fucking thought wrong..." He paused, "Ever heard of secrets not making friends dick-wad?" His glare was lethal as he remained on the couch. It had Logan wishing he hadn't just showed up at Darrell's house after school demanding that they have a straight-up talk.

Logan's jaw had dropped in astonishment at his best friends R-rated kindergarten chant, but after a moment he closed his mouth and nodded, running a hand through his golden hair and looking down at the white Vans on his feet. "I know, man." He said and then as an afterthought, something he really did not mean to say aloud, "Blame your sister." After saying it though, he prayed he'd said it low enough that Darrell hadn't heard, but Darrell's glare had hardened.

"What do you mean, blame Emery? Did she force you not to tell me about this too? Was there some fucking pact?" Darrell asked, knowing his assumption wasn't the truth, but he wanted to hear Logan admit it. Admit to everything.

"No." Logan said, and then after a sigh he continued, "If she hadn't left all of the sudden, I wouldn't have even fucked around with Cassidy." Darrell rose from the couch and assumed a defensive stance. His jaw clenching and unclenching as he stared at Logan. So he finally admits that he liked Emery. "But pretend I didn't say any of that, because it's fucking unimportant."

Darrell sneered, "You're full of shit, Logan. I would have never-ever kept this from you." He paused, "I can't even begin- like- this is my life, my fucking future and you are just so caught up in my younger sister that you couldn't even think about me? Your best fucking friend?"

"Okay, now you're bringing her into this. Not me." Logan accused, once again displaying hands of surrender.

"You just said that if she hadn't left, you wouldn't have even known Cassidy's name." Darrell said, "So it's all about her."

"L-Look Darrell, I didn't even know she was pregnant until like-,"

"I don't give a fuck, you've known for a month. I've known for a week. It doesn't add up. If that baby is mine, I don't know if I will ever be able to forgive you."

Logan nodded his head, "I understand."

"Do you?" Darrell asked, "Do you really?"

Logan nodded again, "Completely. I-I really fucked up."

"To the point where I can't even trust you, man." Darrell said, his voice was weak, but his words still held venom.

Logan lowered his head. He hadn't thought that wanting to help out Cassidy would get him into this much trouble. He exhaled loudly, feeling miserable as fuck.

"I know you're feeling my sister..." Darrell said, "But, I'm gonna have to ask that you leave her alone."

Logan's head shot up quickly, "Wait, what?"

"Dude you're on fucking thin ice with me right now. If you were to get involved with Em and end up hurting her. I'm one hundred percent positive I would fucking kill you." He paused, allowing that to sink in before he continued, "So if you want to stay my friend you'll think back to that dumbass promise we made and settle."

"Is this temporary?" Logan asked, his heart hammering a mile per minute.

"This baby is due early March. I'd get paternity results in about May."

"So you're saying I have two months to prove that I can stay your best friend. And two months before I can talk to your sister?" Logan's eyebrows furrowed, "Last year at your dads event you told me some promises are meant to be broken."

"That was way before all of this shit went down. To be honest man, this shit you pulled with Cassidy, using her to forget about Em just proves that you could break her heart. I'd be happiest if you just forgot Emery even existed. I mean... No I mean that."

Logan stood still for a moment, unable to believe his intent was to apologize for the Cassidy situation and ask Darrell if he could have Emery.

Unbelievable.

But- Logan agreed. "Alright." He had to agree. Darrell had been his best friend for years. He'd been there when his parents weren't. He'd basically been a brother. And Logan could not give that up. "I can do that." Besides it would be easy since Emery had been giving him shit through text. Probably meant she was pissed at him too.

Darrell nodded and sunk back down on the couch, "Let's play Madden or some shit." He suggested.

The atmosphere was too tense, Logan would much rather go back home- where he could sulk. Instead he nodded and picked up a PlayStation remote off the coffee table and sat back down on the couch.

***

Emery entered her modern mansion and let her bag slide off her shoulder and hit the floor. Sluggishly she made her was to the kitchen and opened her pantry. Empty.

So she walked to the fridge and found her cup of lemonade that she had stored in there after not finishing it with her breakfast. She took it out and headed towards the family room. The sounds of a video game only meant that Darrell was home.

She hadn't expected to see Logan sitting on the couch next to Darrell.

She hadn't expected for Logan to look at her with an annoyed expression before turning his attention back onto the game.

Not even a nod acknowledging her presence?

Emery was preparing herself for an exit when Darrell greeted her, "Hey Em." He said giving her the nod that she'd expected from Logan.

"Hey," She mumbled, "Uh- I'll be upstairs."

"Wait before you go, can you get me a Coke or something?"

She nodded, "Sure. Logan, do you want anything?"

Logan grunted his eyes remaining focused on the TV.

Darrell pursed his lips before looking at Emery, "He'll have the-,"

"Fuck!" Logan interrupted, Emery jumped and noticed his eyes didn't stray from the TV. "Fuck this game." He continued.

Darrell turned to look back at Emery, "He'll take a Coke too."

Emery nodded and exited the room, concern firmly etched upon her face. When she came back, she placed the Cokes on the table in front of the boys. Darrell nodded his thanks, while Logan stared at the Coke can before taking out his phone and leaning back on the couch and investing himself in that.

Emery removed herself from the family room and returned to the kitchen.

Logan was pissed. Probably pissed at her for blowing off his texts, but truthfully everything he was asking her she didn't know the answers to. Darrell was just as closed off with her as she assumed he was with Logan. She replied with an ‘idk' to most of his texts, offering no further explanations. She knew that maybe she was being a bit of a bitch, but as she was preparing to tell him about that whole ‘Make It Nasty' thing, she was unsure how he'd take it and cutting herself off from him was sort of protection.

Setting her lemonade on the counter and pulling her phone from the back pocket of her black skinny jeans she maneuvered to the messaging app and texted Logan.

-We need to talk...-

It was the truth, things between them were rocky, but she wanted to level everything out.

-Oh. Now you want to text me?-

Emery frowned.

-Stop being an ass.. I'm serious.-

-What do we need to talk about?-

-In person. I need to tell you something.-

-Fine. I'm leaving in ten minutes. Meet me by my Jeep.-

Emery feeling incredibly put off by Logan's behavior decided to head out now in case he tried to pull something and leave sometime before ten minutes had passed. As she leaned against his Jeep, she found that her assumption was right. Five minutes and Logan came out of the front door and began making his way down the driveway.

"Really Logan?" She asked, "Trying to leave without talking?"

"What? I was going to wait out here another five minutes..." He stopped in front of her and crossed his arms over his chest. "What do you want?"

"I need to tell you something." Now that the moment had come, she wished she'd waited another week.

Logan nodded, "Okay." He waited and when Emery opened her mouth and closed it six times, he began to get irritated, "Can you spit it out, it's cold as fuck out here."

"Then let's get in the Jeep and turn the heat on." She suggested, procrastinating what she knew she had to say.

Logan stared at her blankly for a second. If Darrell came out and saw them fraternizing, he was screwed. At the same time, he looked at Emery's amber eyes darting around nervously, and then her mouth. Her teeth were chattering, and she pulled her bottom lip between the teeth in efforts to stop that reaction. He pulled his keys from his back pocket and went to the driver's side. Hopping in, he unlocked Emery's door and started up the car- turning on the heat immediately after.

"So..." He pushed resting his arms on the steering wheel and turning to look at Emery, who was playing with the cuffs of her sweater sleeves.

"Last summer- or May anyway do you remember when you asked Darrell why I didn't act like a chick?"

Logan sighed, "We already talked about this... It's because-,"

"No. I mean you asked me that, and then the next day was Darrell's concert and-,"

"You were wearing that tight ass black dress?" He asked smirking, "Yeah I remember."

"Good." Emery said smiling a little and looking away from him, "Because I want you to forget."

Logan's eyebrows shot up, "Why?"

"I wanted to seduce you last summer." Emery said honestly, finally gathering the courage to just speak, and then she couldn't stop herself. "I was so pissed that you'd known me for years and rarely called me by my name. I was Darrell's little sister. Like, why the fuck was that, Logan? Why? Why couldn't you call me Emery? Maybe because I dressed like a guy you had to remind yourself that I was a girl by always saying sister. I hated that." She paused, "I had a huge crush on you, and I hated that you couldn't see it. Maybe you were so buried in girls that you couldn't notice me and I really wanted you to notice me. Okay?"

Logan's cheeks had crimsoned, "Okay." Damn. All this was coming out after Darrell had forbid the relationship.

"So I went and picked up this book from the bookstore and it was this guide for seduction." Emery giggled, "This sounds so fucking dumb. But anyways the book told me to emulate what you like in order to get you. I did that and-,"

"You got me?" Logan asked.

Emery nodded, "Well not really, but I mean I was getting there before I got sent to London." Emery laughed. "But I'm asking you to forget all that shit that happened in May because, I don't want to feel like everything is superficial anymore. Do you know what I'm saying?"

Logan nodded, "You're basically telling me that I'm shallow."

Emery's cheeks heated in embarrassment. "No-,"

"Yeah. You are." He said and then chuckled.

"I had to tell you this, because on New Year's, when you kissed me- I wasn't sure if it was because you liked me... Or you liked what I turned into to get you. Even though there was a big ole' time gap. So I want you to pretend that didn't happen. I'm going to be myself again and I want you to like me for me. If that's possible. Not saying that you have to like me or anything. But I mean if you do like me, I don't know. I-,"

"I'm glad you're telling me this shit." Logan said honestly, "So I can say that I liked you for what you became for me." He said, not so honestly. Emery nodded in understanding, "I probably wouldn't have even noticed you, like you said. So if you go back to normal I can forget about everything."

Emery couldn't explain the way she felt her heart drop, but she felt it.

"I'm glad you told me so I can finally understand where the fuck that new Emery came from." Logan continued talking. "I'm glad you told me this because now I know it was just a game?"

Emery shook her head, "I wouldn't call it a game."

"I mean it sounds like a game. What? You just wanted to fuck or what?"

"I-," Emery choked, "I don't know."

Logan grinned, even though his heart felt heavy and weird, "Anyways, you're going to USC in like six months. I'm going Notre Dame officially."

"Oh really?" Emery asked, she hadn't known that. That's where Darrell was going for Law.

He nodded, "Yeah. Playing football, but majoring in architecture." He told her.

"Oh cool." She forced out, all of the sudden too aware of the ache in her heart.

"Damn girl. I can't believe you played me." Logan muttered shaking his head.

"I didn't- okay I kind of did. I'm still Emery though. I just wanted to-,"

Logan nodded, and then he forced himself to say something that he was ninety-five percent sure he didn't mean. "I don't like you, like that..." He told her, "I would bang you in a heartbeat." Truth, "But I don't see us being in a relationship." Not so true. "And with graduation and college coming sooner than we think, I don't really know if it's worth trying to get to know you on a different level. Even if it was only how you dressed you know? There still is something weird about everything, you know?"

Emery nodded swallowing, a lump in her throat, "Yeah I understand completely, like who really knows if we're compatible like that, right?"

Logan nodded exactly, "And it's the last semester of high school. We should just focus on getting the hell out."

The things he was telling this girl all for the sake of his friendship with her brother.

"Well. I'm glad I was able to come clean." She said turning to smile at him. Their eyes clashed and an instant flame ignited between them.

Logan wanted to kiss her- one last time. Emery wanted him to kiss her.

But instead, her trembling fingers found the latch on the passenger door of his jeep, and the sound of the door opening caused their eye contact to break. She smiled at him weakly again. She knew she had led him on, she knew that she would regret starting anything with him on superficial terms. She knew that it was better that he knew about how insecure in herself she'd been. She opened the car and jumped out.

"See you later." She told him, closing the door to his Jeep before he could respond and turning to walk back up the driveway and back into her house.

She felt a tear drop before she knew she was crying.

Why?

It was her fault.

God, it felt worse than any type of break up could be.

She was positive of that.