"I would like you to go home. I want to be alone tonight...ok. I'm not angry, ok I'm lying I'm a little angry but I'm more surprised at you heavy handedness. I just need a little time." Nyla said standing at the door. Gavin felt his chest tighten he was being shut out. Shut out from her thoughts, she’d given him the silent treatment the entire ride, even when they dropped Tina off, shut out of her home, she wouldn't even let him walk her all the way in cutting him off at the front door. Shut out of her sweet body, he hadn't slept without her for a months, he didn't relish the thought of the solitary slumber that awaited him. Damn, why didn't I think this shit through? I keep pushing her and instead I'm pushing myself out the door.

"Nyla I'm sorry, just fuck this is not how I foresaw this evening."

"But it's the way it is. Good night." She said closing the door.

"Damn it" Gavin muttered banging his head on her door before returning to his car.

The short drive home seemed to take forever with only silence and memories of how royally he fucked up to keep him company. ‘Suppose she doesn't forgive me. No.No. This is a bump in the road, no relationship was perfect, she was married before she would understand people screw up that didn't diminish his love for her.' He would stop by tomorrow or maybe the day after. He would respect her need for space but he wouldn't allow it to fission their relationship. He never thought he’d meet a woman as catty and vindictive as Abbey until he met Tina and he suddenly felt ill because he had beckoned these women into his life.

Nyla let the high pressured jets spray the hot but relaxing water over her body; she opted to wash her hair even though she had just gotten it doobied yesterday. Damn Gavin not only was he messing up her holiday, he was messing with her hair as a black woman that was sacrilege. She knew that he meant well, his intentions were never under question in her mind. However, this slightly overzealous side of Gavin didn't normally bother her, but assuming he knew better about her family dynamic was a little telling and she didn't like what she was hearing. One of the aspects of their relationship that she enjoyed the most was that she felt like an equal partner in their union. She had fought and struggle with her demons of guilt and pain to get to this point and it hurt that he would try to take away her footing. In her marriage because of her inexperience and the sizable age and life experience gap she normally deferred to her husband. As a twenty year old newlywed who had been with her husband since high school it was easier to go with the flow. Greg always asked for her input but honestly he was the final decision maker. As a young woman she didn’t mind being lead but she could now admit that unless things had changed there would have been trouble later on as she grew into her own womanhood. She had never felt the similarity until that evening and it made her nervously aware because after all her trials and tribulations she was no longer that impressionable young woman. Nyla finally stepped out of the shower and quickly put on her footie pajamas, at least some good could come of this day. She quickly curled up and willed sleep to take her.

Nyla woke to the continuous chirping of her doorbell and reluctantly left the bed fearing the worst by the aggressive way the person on the other side of her door was going at her doorbell. Nyla's annoyance grew with every step she took until anger clouded her better judgment causing her not even to check the peephole. She angrily swung open the door. “What!"

She was surprised to see Tina up and at her residence. Nyla looked around she spotted the clock 10:30. Was it really that late?
"What do you want Tina?”
"I thought we were going shopping?"
Nyla briefly contemplated shutting the door and leaving her outside but she would not disrupt her neighbors the day after Christmas.
"Come in" Nyla said rubbing her head, God she did agree to this didn't she?
"I want to catch all the after Christmas sales." She said excitedly oblivious to Nyla's obvious displeasure with her presence.
"I'd better get ready then.”
“Yeah girl because I need to be at Bloomingdales, and Armani exchange like ASAP."
"Nyla traipsed to bathroom and quickly got ready, pulling her in a messy bun, she put on a thin sweater since she always got warm in the mall and corduroy jegging with her new military style short boot.
Picked up her bag and grabbed her pea coat from the closet, making her way to the kitchen she passed her sister looking at pictures of Greg and shook her head.
"Do you want water or something before we go? We can pick something up to eat on the way or eat at the food court?"

"Ok can we stop at that fancy brunch spot we used to go to with Greg…What was it called again?” she asked tapping her index finger to her chin in contemplation.
“The Waverly, the restaurant is the Waverly Inn. I haven’t gone there in a while. Alrighty let’s hurry up before we miss brunch.” Nyla responded trying to interject some excitement into her voice.

“So did you and lover boy make up” she said snidely
“I don’t recall us having a falling out to make up for.”
“Nyla, please it was clear as day that you were upset with him. Even his parents noticed the tension between you two” said barely able to keep the smile out of her voice.
“Tina let’s not pretend that we are going to sit here and have my big sis give me advice because we both know that is not how this would ever go down. Let’s just go” Nyla said expelling a labored breath, she focused on her anxiety exercise from Dr. Schroder and briefly wondered if she should take a Xanax but quickly dismissed that idea she would be a fool to be in any way inebriated with her sister around .

The short drive to Short Hills mall seemed never ending with the tension filled silence. Nyla attempted to engage in idle chit chat but her sisters’ singular focus on her and Gavin’s relationship rendered her mute.
“So how did you meet Dr. McDreamy?”

“We just kind of ran into each other.”

“And just like that you’re dating a millionaire heart surgeon? Must be nice”

“It is actually. “Nyla replied praying to Jesus, Allah and Buddha to give her patience. Sometime she regretted the promises she made because they seemed to keep her bound to pain.

“How’s Joshua doing? Did he find a backer to help promote his cd?” trying to find a subject they could both agree on.

“No. Why are you even asking? It’s not like you give a damn “

“That is not true. I always thought he had a great talent”

“Yeah. So much faith that when you could have helped him you turned your back on us.”

“I am sorry you feel that way and I truly hope that he knows that was not the case … forget it doesn’t matter.”

“Your right it doesn’t matter, we aren’t even together anymore. Hey you never know maybe I might hang around here and catch me a rich doctor”

Nyla’s head whipped round causing the car to drift into the other lane, quickly righting herself she gestured her apologies to the driver to her left who was giving her the finger and brought her attention back to her sister.

“What did you say? I thought this was a short visit for the holidays? Don’t you have to be back at work?”

“No I have some mandatory time off, you know use it or lose it” honestly it was just lose it she had been fired for hitting on one of the managers and making the workplace a hostile environment when he rebuffed her advances.
However neither Nyla nor Gavin needed to know that little bit of information.
She hadn’t planned on sticking around but after meeting Nylas’ new man she felt it was time for a little payback. Why couldn’t she have a man gaze adoring at her? What made Nyla so damn special? Nothing! She would show her what it was like to lose the one you loved to your sister.

Nyla pulled in and parked her car at the Lord and Taylor entrance “Why didn’t you use the valet?” Tina griped

“Because we are two able bodied women and the entrance is less than thirty feet away” Nyla rebutted

Oddly enough as the pair browsed in through sale racks of designer duds a small sense of bonding enveloped Nyla and she longed for a normal sisterly relationship with her sister. Gavin thought that she had given up on mending fences with her sister but he couldn’t be more wrong. She was just tired of being disappointed when she took of her rose colored glasses.
“What do you think about this?” Tina asked picking up a Herve Leger bandage dress.

“I think it would look great on you.”

“I love this” Nyla murmered to herself holding the Rachel Roy peplum dress to her chest.

Tina cocked her head to the side giving consideration to the peplum dress “mhmm no I don’t think that style would flatter your figure. Your too top heavy for that, try this one” she offered picking up a dark blue loose fitting boho top.

“It’s not really my style but with jeans or capris this would be cute.” She replied adding the top to her items for purchase. Nyla watched her sister pick out a pair of cheetah leggings and trying to stifle the urge not to laugh but failed miserably when Tina turned to give her the full effect. As the rumble of laughter emerged so did the embers of hope that were beginning to burn in her soul, hope that their strained relationship was tattered but not in complete disrepair. Nylas stomach soon made it known that they had indeed skipped breakfast and since it was well past two in the afternoon all the Burberrry in the world was not going to fill their stomachs.

“Are you almost ready? I am starving here.”

“Oh come on we haven’t been here that long and you could stand to miss a meal.” She said eyeing Nylas frame up and down.

Nyla pretended not to hear her but made her way to the fitting room to examine just what her sister was talking about. Nyla studied herself with a critical eye and had to admit she had put on a little weight. It was love chub and hibernation fat. She would work it off in the spring, feeling a little more self-conscious she put down the fitted sweater dress she had picked up and opted to stick with her sisters’ pick of the flouncy top. Nyla felt her bag vibrate and answered her cell phone tentatively.
“Hey you, what’s up?”
“Nothing what are you doing today. You should come over…I have leftover penil”
“Jos you know you’re speaking my language. I never met a pig I didn’t like but I’m actually out shopping right now.”
“Damn it’s like that. You couldn’t call me so I could practice running through my alimony checks.”
“No trust me you wouldn’t have wanted to come “
“Why not? Are you buying sex toys again?”
“NO! NO! God Jocelyn I wish I never told you about that. Ahh I’m out with Tina.”
“What Tina…tell me your not talking about that puta, bendehja” she said disgusted.
“Yes the one in the same. I mean no..I mean I’m with my sister no comment to all the other stuff.”
“Well Ill comment for the both of us. Put that bitch on the phone” Jocelyn said loud enough for Tina to hear as she approached with arm full of clothing.

“Who you talking to Jenny from the block…I mean corner.” Tina smirked

“Why do you continuously let the heifer in your life. “Jocelyn asked.

“You know why. She’s my sister” Nyla hissed out

“Blood aint everything.”

“Can we not do this today. I’m not even trying to get out of it just postpone it for another day.”

“You know what I’m not going to say anything. This is not your first time at the rodeo so I’m going to assume you know what you’re doing.I’ll call you later on in the week. Have fun.”

“Ok,bye babe.” She said ending the call.

“Why do you still talk to that chick” Tina said

“Tina Im going to tell you what I told Jocelyn, not today. Im tired and hungry and not in the mood for you two and your crazy.”

“Fine” Tina said muttering about Jocelyn under her breath.

Gavin stared at the clock yet again while coming to the realization that his life sucked right now. His ladylove was pissed at him, his best friend and he were no longer on speaking terms and his ex-girlfriend has been sending threatening texts to him for the past two weeks. Two out of the three situations he wasn’t that tore up about but this space business with Nyla was making him prematurely gray. The pathetic part was it hadn’t even been a full week yet and he was bereft without her. They normally woke up together or at very least bid each other a good day every morning so watching the clock hit four without hearing her voice was hard.
‘Thank God Trent and I aren’t friends anymore he would never let me live this down. Damn near crying over a woman because I haven’t seen her in a few days. Somethings goatta give.’
Gavin pulled his car into one of the few empty slots of the pool hall, the fates had smiled on Mitch and he somehow got out of looking at pink taffeta dresses and tasting wedding cake to enjoy some male bonding.
"Gav, what's up" giving Gavin a man hug

"Nothing man, you got out. I'm proud of you. How you holding up "Gavin queried

"It's dangerous man. I don't even recognize that woman sometimes. It's like she has lost her mind and decided to take my mothers with her. My mom and her have gotten real close since she is including her in much of the wedding planning."

"Isn't that a good thing?" Gavin asked curiously

"He'll no. Especially since they tag team to gang up on me. It was better when they hated each other." He answered signaling to Harriet the bartender to bring them a round of beer.

"Your shameless"

"So how is Nyla, you guys seem pretty serious" Mitch asked taking a swig of beer.

"We are... But I stuck my foot into it over the holidays and I'm still trying to dig myself out."

"What did you do? Buy her a washing machine"

"No.no man I'm not trying live out on the couch. I invited her sister over for Christmas."

"Ok...and? There has got to be more than that."

"Her sister is a viper. I mean just brutal and for no reason. I thought it was going to be this love fest when they saw each other, trust me it was more like a train wreck that made our first Christmas together awkward at best."

"Wow.lots of people have family issues though Gavin a little sibling rivalry is normal."

"I know but this seemed like more than that. This goes deeper and I'm not sure if it can be worked out. I just hope she forgives me ...and soon. It's been three days and we've just been texting pleasantries and shit." Gavin looked down as his jeans started to vibrate.
“Speaking of “he said picking up his phone to take the call.
"Hi"

"Hi"

"What are you doing?"
"Nothing much working on this Newburgh account, you?"

"Bitching to Mitch about my stupidity." He said matter of factly. Her laughter at his last statement made his chest constrict. He loved to hear her laugh.

"Want to come over later"

"Yeah but I’ll be there a little late. That ok."

"Yeah that’s fine. Use your key we will talk later."


Gavin let out a sigh as he placed the key in the door unlocking it, bringing him closer to what he had been missing, closer to her.

"Nyla your still up" he said suprised since it was after 11pm.

"Yep" she said sitting up with her glasses on typing away on her laptop.
"I'm glad you called. I missed you.” He said
"I missed you to. Come here we need to talk. I know I haven't been forthcoming with my family background “she started, pushing the laptop of her legs and taking off her glasses.” Honestly Gavin I never thought we would have this conversation because I never would have predicted this relationship starting much less sustaining for this long."

Gavin jaw ticked and he quirked his head, she cut him off on the precipus of his retort
"I'm not finished, since we have sustained you are entitled to the truth. My sister and I grew up in what I thought was a loving, stable two parent home. We were the Cosbys’ happy, well to do, all of it. When suddenly my father lost his job and he didn't get something else right away and when he did it definitely wasn't for the same pay. There were changes and adjustments that we as a family had to make and some of us took it harder than others. My mom flat out refused to work. She said she was taught that a woman's place was in the home and it wasn't her fault that she picked a man that couldn't provide for her. It killed Daddy when she talked like that; he took so much pride in making sure that we are well taken care of. Our schooling at one of New Jerseys top prep schools would not be one of the things to change. Things were going ok till my father passed away when I was 12. My mother took it hardest, but not because she lost her soul mate but because she finally had to go to work. Apparently my dad knew about his heart condition and he had revised his will to pay up our tuition until we finished school and set aside college funds that could only be used to further our education."
She paused briefly and picked up her bottle of water while Gavin waited for her to continue.
"Tina was fine at first, doing well in school and years later excited about college. She became friends with Greg. They met at some type of internship and he brought her home one day and we took one look at each other and it was over. He was older 24 to my 18, shit I was a senior but it didn't matter. He started coming over more and more, unfortunately Tina misplaced his interest even though he never flirted with her. He would walk through the door and spend all his time talking to me. She was angry when she realized we were dating, furious when we married, and downright livid when we announced our pregnancy. However, during that time she had dropped out of law school and decided to be an entertainment manager for this up and coming rapper J star. She wanted to use the rest of her college money to promote him and basically guilted Greg into trying to overturn my dad’s decision because he didn't share her feelings."

"Nyla you know how important family is to me and I mean no disrespect but why do you put up with her?" He asked completely perplexed as to why Tina was still in her life.

Nyla got up and went to her closet where she rummaged briefly and walked out with an old fashioned leather bond journal with the initials J.R.

"This was my dad’s, if it’s not apparent yet I was a bit of a daddy's girl.” she said with a smile.
He took the book from her "J.R.?" Smiling at her admission.
"Jeremiah Rogers." She sighed his name "The last entry was the night before he died, he knew he was in a loveless marriage, he knew that my mother didn't really even want us but he endured to preserve his family. So even though she is a bitch I have to try to preserve what family I have left. "
"When did your mother pass?” he asked softly.

"She didn't." Nyla answered deadpan.

"What... But then, where has she been for the past seven months. I never even hear you talk to her?" he practically sputtered.

"We had a pretty good relationship until she found out the circumstances of Ava's and Greg's death. She doesn't forgive me for being such a poor wife. She asked me
How I could be so ungrateful to marry a man who not only had the means to take care of me forever only to use him like a chauffeur to quiet my crying baby when I should have been tending to my daughter’s needs. She hadn't been so fortunate and that my selfishness cost her, her first grandchild."

"Stop if there is any more I don't want to hear it. I hope I never meet her. "he interrupted.

"Now you sound like Jocelyn. She's not that bad just set in her ultra-traditional views. I'm sure that her reaction didn't help my descent into self-mutilation and depression. But I'm over it. " she said sincerely.

"I don't see how?" He countered truly saddened by everything she had revealed.

"Don't do that. You've never given me that pitying look and I'd appreciate if you would refrain from doing it now. There is one thing I learned at group is lots of people go through lots of shit. I'm not special, I'm not cursed, and I’m just living. "

"Nyla, I’m awed that you seem to genuinely be over these events but I want you to tell me everything from here on out. Even I won't like it just tell me."

"Ok"

"I want to apologize again. Obviously if I had this background information I wouldn't have invited your sister but regardless I shouldn't have overstepped. I wanted to include your family to ... to encourage thoughts of us moving our relationship to the next level." He admitted embarrassed but if was requesting unfiltered honesty he had to be willing to reciprocate.

"Gavin you can't force that. Why the rush?" She asked confused by his rush. 'Didn't men normally drag their feet when it came to commitment?'

"I guess I want the whole package with you. I've never had to wait normally I’m the one pumping the brakes." he answered sheepishly Gavin hated feeling vulnerable; it was a foreign and unwelcome emotion. He cleared his throat and gazed at her he wanted to gauge her response to his next confession. "Sometimes it feels like I'm competing against a ghost, no a saint of an ex-husband. It just feels like you may have given so much in that relationship that I worry you won't to do it again."

"I don't want to do it again.”

"Shit" he said leaning back on her headboard. It was one thing to wonder but to have his worse fear confirmed was more painful than he imagined. How do they proceed knowing she had no intentions of joining his vision?

"I don't know if I’ll ever marry again and the thought of a baby is out of the question" she said her voice wavered with last part of her statement.
"I'm sorry I just don't think I can. Please understand. But Gavin for you I'm willing to try to push past my fears and try but I can't promise you anything." She said holding his hand, her eyes pleading.

“I’ll give you as much time as you need. I’ve learned my lesson. Maybe slow and steady is what will win this race.” He said jokingly causing her to crack a smile and in that moment he knew he would wait for her but how long? Gavin looked down at the sleeping form next to him; she looked so peaceful, so serene he would never have guessed that she had suffered so much in her short life. He admired her spirit and fortitude, all things he wanted in a wife, in the mother of his children but she was unsure if that could ever happen. He was crazy in love with her but he couldn't be put on hold indefinitely, that wasn't fair to either of them, but if the time came would be able to walk away he wondered as he fell into a restless slumber.