First off I haven't lied to you...outright."

"So there are levels to your truthfulness now?" He scoffed.

"I...I was invited to Greg's memorial around two months ago at the time but I didn't plan on going.” Nyla added quickly as her nervous hands twisted the robe. "I put it in my draw and forgot about it." She tucked the towel closer to her grossly aware of how vulnerable she was. He was angry but what struck her most is the hurt expression on his face knowing that she put it there gave her a physical pain in her chest.

"Gavin I was just trying to avoid this conversation. “ I'm tired of explaining my feelings or actions. I didn't want to explain how sometimes I still cry because I passed the Gap kids store. That this year Ava would be going to pre-k. I didn't telI you that their birthdays coincided with you trip because I didn't know if I'd want to get up that day. Ok!” she huffed out through her tears. I didn't know if I would want to call you, laugh with you, make love to you on that day.” Nyla finished taking a chance and glancing at Gavin who looked even more distraught with her last statement.

“I am sorry if that upsets you but it is how I felt. Ok there are times when it is still hard for me and because I don't want … this I keep it to myself. She said gesturing between them. "It’s like my scars most of the time I forget they are even there but then I have days where they just itch like they were freshly healing. Since I met you the itchy days are a lot less but not gone...not completely." She whispered swallowing hard. "If I had told you about the memorial you would have offered to come with me. Right?"


"Of course I would have gone with you. I wouldn’t have left you to go to a friggin convention knowing that you be going through the hardest time of the year for you. I kept trying to reach you that week and I could hardly track you down now I know why.

"I wanted to do this alone”

"Are you embarrassed of me... of us? Or do you not want to lose the sympathy as the grief stricken widow." Gavin knew he was being an ass but he was out of patience with her.



Nyla gasped “No God no hat's not - How could you even think that?” Nyla said whirling around her eyes focused on the end table with a picture of the both them at a dinner cruise. “I thought I was doing the right thing for everyone involved. I wanted to prove to myself that I could be there in support of a man who was at one time my everything, my husband.”

Gavin expelled a harsh breath hearing her call another man her everything tore at his heart. It was foolish to be envious of a dead man but it seemed even in death he had what Gavin wanted most in life.

“I had let him down let myself down in the way I treated out friends and family. I needed to rectify that before I moved on ...with you." Nyla explained walking up to him she reached for his hand which she held loosely but he didn't grasp hers in return but he didn’t pull away either.

“I was scared I’d lose you. I woke up one day and had nothing worth living for that’s how I felt and then you came into my life and though I was healing I felt a resurgence of hope that I had long given up on. I was prepared to be the cat lady I figured it already I experience my one great love and I tried to find solace in that but as our relationship developed I realized how deeply I love you. Do you know what's worse than the unknown...knowing. I know what it is like to wake up to an empty house with no hope that there will be joy, laughter, love even anger only emptiness. So I was dishonest and intentionally evasive trying keep us together.”

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

"So I'm a spectator now. That good to know here I thought I was a participant in your life. I thought we were partners.” Gavin said laughing humorlessly thinking of the ring he had bought.

"Gavin you are being deliberately obtuse. You know that's not what I meant. I have let you in. I was unsure of my reception there. It’s been years since I have seen or heard from most of those people I didn't know if they were going to ask me to leave or be courteous .I was wrong Gavin and I hurt some really good people by my actions who would want their significant other to witness that. "


"We're you worried about what people would think if I was with you?"

"I have lost too much to care about what people feel about our relationship. But that doesn’t mean I wanted to throw salt in the wounds by parading around my paramour at an event in honor of my deceased husband. How tactless is that?" Nyla asked in an exasperated breath raking her hand through her hair.

"Nyla I can't be with the edited version of you. I accept you as you are flaws and all but that's not enough if you don't accept yourself. I have issues everyone does and we are bound to get more.”

"I know but ...God Gavin I live in fear of the day you get fed up. The day you wake up and realize that the woman you loves big accomplishment this month is now that she has cut her therapy time to once a week. I mean think about it?” she admitted dejectedly.

"I have never judged you for getting the help you need. Ever. So don't you even try to pull that."


"Sometimes I wish you would. Sometimes I wish it wasn't always me dragging around my bag of crazy. "

"I'm trying to lighten the load but you don't make it easy." Gavin sighed annoyed that he was already starting to cave. This woman was his biggest weakness. His hand started to curl into hers to draw her near when something else popped into his head

"What about Greg's brother?"

"What about him?"

"Trent vaguely resembles Greg but his brother is practically a carbon copy."

"Gavin what are you implying" slipped slowly from her mouth because she was beginning to get riled with the direction of the conversation.

"Did you sleep with him?" Gavin regretted asking the instant the words fell from his lips but he had to know. The sliver of insecurity that everyone had was stretched and strengthened with her deception.

Nyla immediately yanked her had out of his question cracked Nyla's composure she wilted under his stare. He watched her shoulders slump, and her pouty bottom lip begin to tremble.
"Fuck you Gavin. Fuck you and horse you rode in on. I trusted you with that information. I didn't have to but I did and you throw it back in my face. I would never have said that you." she yelled at him letting her tears fell unchecked as now her indignation started to outweigh her guilt.

"I would never sleep with Malik he is like a brother to me. I can’t believe you think so little of me after all this time. I can't believe you asked me that!" She yelled pacing through the small room. She couldn't even look at him right now because the desire to smack him was so strong.


"Nyla what do you expect me to think? When the seed of doubt was planted you could have easily took care of it instead you kept feeding it with lies and now you angry that I don't trust you." Gavin asked angrily.

“I have never given you a reason not to-- you know what forget it. Gavin I'm sorry. I love you and in my desire to protect that love I made some stupid and unnecessary mistakes." She conceded but Gavin was unmoved.

"What bothers me most is that if Tina hadn't walked into my office you would never have said anything. Tina... She's my source for information about you now Nyla?"

"That bitch" Nyla mumbled

"She may be but at this point I can trust her more than I trust you."

Nyla recoiled covering her mouth his words stung her to her very core "After everything I've told you is that how you really feel?"

Gavin chose not to answer her. He just turned towards the door feeling dismal. He thought of the ring in his pocket and what it signified the joining if two lives, two souls becoming one family. He was ready for that, he was ready take that step with her. But it was clear she wasn't ready not if she could keep all this from him. He turned around to take her in possibly for the last time flashes of happy times in their future needled him. Images of his perfectly crafted proposal at the balloon festival from their first date assaulted his emotions turning anger to sorrow. He bowed his head defeatedly.

"You have been busy plotting and planning putting in the work to keep me out of your life." He chortled in a self-deprecating laugh.

"Funny thing was I was busy too. That week away gave me time to think about what I wanted for my life." He looked at her with glistening eyes and continued.
“While you were planning on keeping me out I was planning how to make you a part of my life indefinitely." He said solemnly fishing out the small turquoise box from his pocket. "I don't think I’ll be needing this anymore." He said as he placed the box on the table.

A strangled sound came from someplace deep in Nyla but she hadn't moved or tried to explain herself further. Hearing her guttural cry brought out his protective instincts and he itched to comfort her but Gavin knew holding her could be his downfall. So he willed his body to the door, step by step leading away from the only woman he had ever loved.

He reached for the door handle and pulled quickly asking through with a sense of urgency. His will and his facade were crumbling. Gavin swift steps led him to his vehicle in no time. As his body felt the comforts of the leather conforming to him his eyes scanned her building searching for a sign. Hell who was he kidding he was searching for her because if she gave an inch he would forgive her but she needed to prove herself. Nyla's dishonesty cut deep.

Nyla stood stone still as she watched with a sense of detachment her entire life fall apart. He left. Gavin actually walked out of her door...out of her life. Her eyes went from the door to the box on the table and back again. The shape alone assured her there was a ring in there. He was going to propose. He wanted to marry her...Nyla Rogers widow, childless, depressed cutter but with him she saw so much more. She remembered she was funny, adventurous, loving, doting even and she let him walk out the door. Nyla grabbed the box on the table and ran out the door, it didn’t matter that she was in just a robe or that she ware barefoot. All that mattered was getting to Gavin. Her bare feet hitting the stone pathway she pumped her legs furiously as she saw Gavin’s car pulling out her parting spot.

"Gavin!" She screamed as she ran into the parking lot hot tears blurring her vision. Her singular focus was to gain his attention. When suddenly pain shot through her body. The magnitude of it was blinding. She knew she hit the ground when the box she clutched so tightly rolled out of her hand. She clasped her fingers trying to retain the last bit of him but her body wouldn’t cooperate. All her senses were focused on the excruciating pain. Nyla suddenly heard so many voices but not the one she longed to hear. Finally she heard him

"Oh God Nyla baby please stay with me.”

Gavin I’m not going anywhere except to the Bridal shop. I love you honey calm down. Gavin there is so much pain…it really hurts” Nyla said ought because it seemed that even though she was surrounded no one would respond to her.
“Someone call an ambulance." Gavin ordered frantically. He tried to assess her but she was unresponsive and it only increased his anxiousness. He momentarily was paralyzed with fear he couldn't even think. Slowly his training came back to him he started to evaluate her as a doctor not as a lover. He took the phone from an onlooker that was online with the hospital.

"Yes this is Dr. Gavin McKeough please have an OR ready page Dr. Shaw and Dr. Patel."

Nyla didn’t notice her neighbors run out when they heard the sound of flesh meeting steel, she didn't see her body fall in a mangled heap in front of old man Whitakers Oldsmobile.
Nyla wanted to tell him she wasn't leaving him and she wouldn't allow him to leave her either. They were going to work this out and then he was going to get down on one knee and make it official but before she could utter a word her world faded to black.