Tyler Elijah Lenz Solomon Weber

“I don’t know, man...I’m just confused right now.” I sighed whilst leaving the keys by the mirror in the hallway. I took my coat off and put it on the hanger.

“Do you still love her at least?” Sam, my best friend since I can remember asked me. I could feel his anxiety while he was waiting for my response.

“Of course I do love her. It’s just that I’m not sure marriage is the right thing for us to do right now…I mean we’ve been going out for what? A couple of years? Shouldn’t we get to know each other a little more before deciding to take the next big step?” I reasoned hopelessly. I reached the living room and dropped my brief-case on the floor, before taking my shoes off carelessly. She wasn’t home yet, so I was sure I wasn’t going to be yelled at for that.

“You were the one who asked her to marry you, remember?” Sam argued.

I snorted. “I know, I know.” I said defensively “I just…okay, I’m telling you something but you need to swear you won’t tell anyone.” I lowered my voice, just in case she came in or something….

“You have my word.”

I loosened my tie and sighed heavily. I unbuttoned the cuffs of my shirt and tried to master up the courage to tell him. “I asked her to marry me because I was afraid of her friend, stupid actor Lucas, stealing her away from me. I’m not ready for marriage, Sam. It took me a lot to decide to ask her to move in together…..but marriage is massive. It isn’t something you can just walk out of. It’s for ever, man. I want to be a 100 per cent sure of what I am doing and now I am not. I can’t do it. I can’t marry her now.”

Sam was silent for a while “Do you see yourself marrying her in the future?”

I walked the short corridor that would lead me to the bedroom “Yes, absolutely. I can’t do it now, though. And then I asked her to marry me for the wrong reason. It was just to keep her away from him. Don’t you see how he looks at her? He has this lost puppy look, his eyes shine every time they sat on her and the guy hates me so much, not that the feeling is not mutual, but still. He should have some respect. She already belongs to me.” I sighed again and opened the door.

I wasn’t ready for the sight in front of me. And I definitely wasn’t ready for what was going to follow.

There, sitting on our bed, was Lexi, dressed in a negligee, her face everything but what you would expect it to be when she was dressed to seduce me.

“Got to go, Sam.” I hung up before he could reply. I put my cell-phone in the pocket of my dress pants. I could feel the temperature rising, and a few line of sweat were forming on my forehead…did she hear me?

“Lexi…” I said nervously. “What are you doing home so early? I thought you were still at work.”

“No, I came home early to surprise you. Who would have thought that I would be the one to get surprised?” her voice was dripping with veiled sarcasm and an overwhelming calmness that didn’t belong to her.

Bad sign….this was the calm before the storm.

Shit. She heard me.

I stared at her. She was wearing a red corset (red is my favourite colour) that matched the red lace thong she was wearing. Her milk-chocolate skin was smooth, soft. I wanted to touch it. I was itching for her. Her vision made me feel hot all over, and I could feel the familiar stirring in my loins. And just for a moment I forgot what was happening ergo, I forgot about the fact that my relationship with Lexi was now in serious danger.

She stood up from the bed and once she found her nightgown she put it on as if to say that her body was off-limits. She looked ashamed of being so exposed to me, ashamed of being there, ashamed of the situation she had found herself in.

She touched the engagement ring on her ring-finger absentmindedly before she took it off.

“Don’t!” I exclaimed when the ring was already off her finger.

She shook her head, walked up to me and handed me the ring. “Why should I keep it? You obviously don’t want to marry me, Tyler.” She said quietly. She was too quiet for my liking. I would rather have her yelling at me, hating me rather than her lack of emotions “I want to marry you, Lexi, but not right now.” I told her, hoping that she would just get over it as she usually did.

“You should have thought about that before you proposed to me.” She reasoned. And I couldn’t agree more. She sighed deeply. “I think you need to sort out some things on your own, Tyler.”

“Wait…what’s that supposed to mean?” I was suddenly scared…she couldn’t possibly mean that….no way, I couldn’t even entertain that thought. “You’re not….are you?” my voice was suddenly weak.

“I don’t know, Tyler. You have issues, obviously. I just don’t know if I can cope with them. It’s your phobia of commitments, your jealousy…I told you time and time again that there is nothing between me and Lucas, but you still insist….and now that I know that your proposal was merely a way to tie me up so you could claim me yours forever….I just can’t do this anymore. I’m sorry.” She shrugged, as if it wasn’t a big deal. She tried to give me the ring but I wasn’t getting it back. She walked to my nightstand and put it there.

I couldn’t move, I couldn’t speak, I couldn’t breathe. I had been frozen by her words. She was asking for time apart..but why did it feel like she was dumping me?

I had just ruined the best thing that had ever happened in my life over my commitment issues.

Great, just great!

“Lexi…” I whispered to call her attention. I felt the tension rising in my throat.

“What Tyler?” she snapped.

I looked up at her and saw that her eyes were getting wet with unshed tears. It pained me to see her like this because of my actions. I had promised her in the past that I would never hurt her ever again….and here I was again, with my old ways, hurting the woman I loved.

“I’m sorry, Lexi. Please, don’t go.” I pleaded my voice weaker and weaker as I asked her to not abandon me. “I love you, baby, can’t you see?” I could feel the tears welling at my eyes. I wasn’t going to show her more weaknesses.

She sighed and shook her head. “Honestly, Tyler, I can’t right now.” She opened her side of the closet and took out a pair of jeans, a t-shirt, and some less sensual underwear. She didn’t even look at me while she went in the bathroom to change. She had never had a problem dressing in front of me. That meant that she felt rejected. She didn’t trust me anymore.

And now….was it really over? Was that really the end for us?

I sat on the bed, tired. I lost myself in my thought until I saw her getting out the en suite bathroom of our bedroom completely dressed. I stared at her while she took out a suitcase and started packing clothes for at least a fortnight.

“Babe, don’t go. We can solve this, right?” I tried to convince her, and myself.

“I have to think about it, Tyler. I think that we should take a break or something. I need to think things through, and realize whether what we have is worth our efforts and time.” She smiled sadly at me.

I instantly felt a sense of anger. What was she trying to say? “Alexandra, we are worth it. Of course we’re worth it. You shouldn’t even ask yourself that question.” I raised my voice as I clenched my fists to stop myself from punching a hole in the wall.

“It is you who make me doubt everything, Tyler!” She said sternly. “It was you who said we could consider ourselves friends with benefits who could date other people after we had been together for 6 months. It was you that asked me to move in with you and then went all paranoid about me occupying your space and not let you live. It is you that asked me to marry you and then I find out that it was all a plot to make sure I wouldn’t end up with Lucas who is just a friend.” She shouted, clearly mad at me. “You, your jealousy, your fucking insecurities, and your lack of trust in me and our relationship are what is driving us over the edge. You’re sabotaging us. Sincerely I’m fed up with all this crap, Tyler.” The last sentences were whispered, her voice breaking fast, and her face stained with her tears. Again with the past…I knew I had messed up in the past. But why she had to bring it up all the time I couldn’t really understand. She said she had forgave me. Let bygones be bygones.  

I was now facing her, my hands gently cupping her face, my thumb washing away her tears. “Lexi…” I said softly. “I know I make mistakes but I love you, and you love me, right? That’s all that matters.” I tried to reassure her but she wouldn’t have it.

“It’s not enough, Tyler.” She sighed and went to pack her stuff.

“Lexi, please, babe. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you before, I’m sorry I’m such an ass. Just give me another chance. I promise you we’ll get married sooner or later.”

She stopped packing and laughed humorlessly. “You don’t understand, do you? It’s not about marriage, Tyler! It’s about you not trusting me enough…it’s about you being constantly scared I’ll abandon you or something. Gosh….you want to show the world you are so strong, but you are anything but strong. You are just a coward, an insecure little rabbit that doesn’t even try to communicate with me! You’re pathetic.”

“Hey! Stop insulting me!” I was hurt by her words. I felt like she was purposely trying to wound me. “Stop hurting me.” I whispered.

“I’m not insulting you, Tyler. I am just saying the truth.” She zipped the suitcase and dragged it out of the room. She came back and got another suitcase where she started to put her work files and papers.

“Alexandra, please, I’m begging you, we can talk through this.” I was tired already of talking her into staying. I knew it was kind of a lost cause. She was never one to go back on her steps, but she had done so in the past for me. I was hoping she would do it again, for me.

“I need to get away from you. At least for a while.” She wiped the tears away. She put on her scarf I had given her as a gift a few weeks before putting on her jacket and shoes.

She walked out of the room and down the corridor until she passed through the living room. She went to the kitchen where she used the phone to hail a cab.

“Alex…” I called out her name, my eyes full with tears I didn’t want to shed in front of her.

She hung up and smiled sadly at me. “I have to go. It will do us both good.” She tried to convince me but I wasn’t fooled by her words.

“I love you.”

“I know. I do too.” She took her bags and went for the front door. She opened it and was about to leave when she turned around and looked me in the eyes. She closed her eyes and pecked my lips. I didn’t have time to savor her lips that she pulled away, turned around and left the apartment.

Devastation. Sadness. Anger.  I felt those emotions. I closed the door behind her. I felt the tears flowing freely on my face now that no one could see me. I slid against the door and fully cried the feeling of loss I was experiencing now.

She was gone. I had tried to hold her close to me in every possible way. I had lied to her, I had proposed to her completely sure that she was going to be mine forever, even if I didn’t marry her straight away. I had tried, really. But she was gone now. My efforts had been vain. She was gone.