Chapter 21

4 months later

My smile was fickle as the stylist tried to zip up the bridesmaid’s dress up my back, but she had no success. My skin bulged out of the sleeveless dress. No amount of air-sucking or shimmying would make me fit into this dress.

I was too big for the dress and the wedding would be in a month.

The stylist came up in front of me, trying to mask her flustered expression. I’d only ordered the dress 4 months ago but needed far more alterations than the norm because I’d gained so much weight in those 4 months.

“I was able to zip it up…b-but…" words failed her as she tried to convey that I was spilling out of my dress and that the sight was as horrifying as it felt.

I was looking her in the eye, avoiding the mirrored walls flanking me and the large one behind me.

I braved a smile. “It’s okay. I'll just order another dress…”

"But ma'am, the wedding is in a month and it takes about that much time to order a dress since we don’t have it in store in this color. I’ll go ahead and ask them to make the adjustment here. It should be done before the wedding given that…well the weight doesn’t change but it shouldn’t change much in a month hopefully.”

Her face turned red as she tried to advise me without really advising me for fear of hurting my feelings.  

I took it all in stride.

When she was done with the measurements, I went through the motions, not hurt or even disappointed. Just…numb. Just…there

The horror of my weight gain weighed heavily on me and I didn’t know what to do or say.

“Thank you ma’am,” I said to her when we were done

I walked out of the store and the first thing that I wanted to do was eat.

So I ate.

Then I threw up.

And I felt guilty. Because it felt so good lying to myself that I’d reversed the action.

“Could you explain how you would code this for us?”

My heart was racing a hundred miles a minute. I don’t know what I was thinking when I applied for this job. It was the job for a programmer of a start up game company and I had very much underestimated the skill-level of programming that they needed. I stared at the function blankly because I was already so nervous.

I opened my mouth try and give a response but I was too busy trying to contain my anxiousness. My mind blanked out and I couldn’t think of what to do or say next.

The older white man gave me a knowing look, as though it was so obvious that ‘my type’ had no business applying for this job. I will have to admit that I dodged many of the horrifying interview experiences many black women in my field were subjected to because I was able to intern at my father’s company and get a job there afterwards, but that didn’t mean I didn’t face scrutiny.

This was the first interview I was having where I was very aware of my gender and race. I was the only female and black person that had showed up for today’s interview and I really took for granted how diverse my father’s company was.

“It’s fine, we can forgo that for now,” he said despite the fact that the job was based solely on coding. He did appear impressed that I worked at that company but upon viewing my last name and not being able to perform the code he requested of me right now probably gave him the assumption that I only got to work for my father due to my last name. If only people knew how difficult he had made my interviewing process.

“Tell me why we should choose you to work for Axar,” he said as he sat back with his hands linked above his stomach.

I uttered my rehearsed answer, but eventually flowed into my undisputed love for the gaming industry. I saw his eyes lift in intrigue a time or two as I professed my love for games in particular.

When I was done, he smiled, informed me we were done, and gave me the handshake a poker face that gave nothing of the real outcome of this interview. I already knew what the deal was.

I walked out of there with the feeling of shame and depression that I’m sure clouded many who left an interview kicking themselves for what they could have done different. I tried not to mule over my father’s past words that I would never last in the real world and that I should be so lucky that I was his daughter or else I wouldn’t have the job I have.

As I walked to my car, I saw a bright colored building to my right but refused to look. I refused to look, but the empty feeling inside of me grew larger as I walked away from that building. I grabbed my phone, and dialed Ella’s number.

It rang and went to voice mail. I called mom but she was busy. I didn’t even think about calling dad.

I stopped in the middle of the crossroad, getting bumped into by other pedestrians and looked to the heavens. I hate the fact that Henry popped into my mind and that thinking of his smile made me as happy as it made me sad.

I turned around and headed to the fast food restaurant. I had worked out rigorously earlier that day, so I saw that as a good enough excuse to throw up after I overate.

And of course I hated myself after, but I also felt strangely powerful for reversing something that could have been a few more unneeded pounds.

I hated myself.

***

A week later, I was clicking out of an e-mail that stated I didn’t get the gaming job I’d applied for. I had to be realistic with myself. Just because I failed that one time wasn’t an excuse to give up, but it didn’t diminish the amount of rejection I felt.

Closing the e-mail out I tried to focus on some of the current work at hand.

“Dad’s calling you.”

I looked up from the programming language on my computer screen to my co-worker Fred. My father and I were back on weird terms. He was caught up in his company’s acquisition of another start up with an idea he thought would revolutionize our company. When it came to Dad’s obsession, nothing could stop him.

I did my work dutifully. Was there on time, did the work as best as I could, and went back home. I barely saw him when I was here but if I did, he was uncharacteristically pleasant. And by pleasant, he actually would say hello if he passed my cubicle.

I could only imagine what I hadn’t done right of recent projects. Nonetheless, I stood up, self-consciously, and tried to pull my blazer down over hips that had widened the past few months.

I’d heard Fred crack a joke or two about the women at work and the only reason he didn’t include me is because I was the CEO’s daughter. I’d heard from the grape vine that my growing weight had been the butt of his jokes in recent weeks. From how distant I was to him, I knew he could tell I’d caught wind of his gossiping and he was doing everything to get on my good side, even asked me out to lunch once.

It made me disgusted with him.

“So the guys and I are hitting the bar after work, wanna come?”  He still tried. I had a retort at the tip of my tongue but that thing in me that always felt everything was my fault and that people deserved to talk about who I was held me back. I hated myself then so I just forced a smile and shook my head.

“I have plans,” I told him softly, hating how demeaning I was to myself and sped up to my father’s office.

I smiled at my father’s secretary who told me to go ahead and walk in. He was in the middle of a phone call, laughing with brightness in his eyes. I felt a twinge in me, remembering the very few times I saw my father like that with me. He was usually this way with his peers, a genius who could only laugh among other geniuses.

Not everyone had the privilege of entering Mr. Jones’ world.

I was surprised when his eyes grew brighter when he saw me. An uncontrollable burst of happiness surged through me when I saw this. I tried to get a hold of myself as I sat before him.  I was never supposed to get out of character in front of him. Not to get too excited. I once drew a picture of him when I was a child and ran up excitedly to show it to him. He was standing over some paperwork on the table. He was the one babysitting my siblings and I that night and I was just happy to be home with him the same time. Despite how focused he was, being so happy, I kept calling him and calling him excited to show him the picture I scribbled with love only to have him yell with an expletive. I was stunned into silence and even as he grabbed me by the arm and dragged me away from his work station. I was crying profusely hoping he would at least console me like mother would. But he roughly sat me on the chair and shook me telling me to be quiet. Scared into silence I sniffled as I listened to the old man tell me to read a book.

But my screaming had woken up my baby sister.

‘Now look what you’ve done! I don’t want you to be heard or seen when I am around! Peter?? Didn’t I tell you to keep an eye on her?’ he called for my older brother.

“You pig! Look what you’ve done! Stay quiet.” My brother chided me and someone else came to the rescue.

“Leave her alone!” the person said.

And I smiled, feeling protected and curled into this other person that was no longer there…

“Valerie, how are you today?”

My trip down memory lane was disrupted and I looked at the strange man in front of me. He was a stranger in many ways when he wasn’t looking so stressed and worried.

“Fine,” was my clipped response. I seemed to have put a damper on his mood because I wasn’t as excited to be here as he was.

“I have some good news for you,” He said he linked his hands together on the desk.

“Yes?”

“You and your team are going to receive the Young Leadership Award at this year’s Oate Awards.”

My eyes widened as my father grinned. His eyes lit with pride that I’d longed for all my life.

The Oate Awards had been handing out recognition to memorable work and projects for the last 50 years of the software engineering industry. I knew them because they even gave accolades to advancements in the gaming industry.

“And as the leader of the team, I am happy to announce that you, personally, will be receiving the award on behalf of the team.”

“Wow. I never expected that.” I was floored. My head had been in the books so long I didn’t really think of what the outcome for any of my actions would be.  

“Why wouldn’t you? You worked harder than anyone I knew in that office. First one in and the last one out. You dedicated yourself. Poured yourself into your work. I doubted you, but you proved me wrong with this Valerie. Great job.”

A flurry of emotions were just whipping through me. While I felt happy, I couldn’t deny the undeniable pain tucked within.

“This is great promotion for the company. It shows that we are hiring the best leaders, best engineers, best programmers. It shows that I make no mistakes when I hire. You did worry me there for a while, but you’ve shown me that you can work. But don’t use this as an excuse to slack off. Right now, the work is only going to get more taxing…”

And just like that, I was reminded why I was feeling pain. His company.

It all went back to his company.

He was happy because this was good press for his company.

“My daughter, my bloodline led this project. You did a great job representing us. Which is why I am placing you as head of the department. Congratulations.”

I wanted to tell him that I couldn’t do it. That I couldn’t handle it. Yes, I was vying for his approval last time, but it damn near killed me. I’d started overeating to cope. It would be so much pressure and more of me going to work doing what I didn’t want to do.

When I was out of the office,

I had the urge to throw up but there was nothing to throw up. I didn’t want to face my therapist because of my long list of lies that now I could barely tease them apart.

I grabbed my phone, went to my contacts, pressed the letter H in search for him.

But he was no longer there.

It made me cry harder. Then I and I started playing a game on my phone. I smiled through the tears but realized the high I got off of playing wasn’t the same because it just harshly reminded me of the path I’d taken. I looked around the small four walls of the bathroom stall and felt like I was suffocating

“Hello?”

“Delivery for Valerie is here.”

“Oh my god, thank you,” I gushed before hanging up and after washing my hands, raced to the entrance of the building to get my food.

It was one of the darkest afternoons I’d had to date.

I ate.

Then I threw up.

*****

2 Months Later

“Oh my god, everything is just going to shit basically,” Ella muttered in a fit as she raced out of the restaurant where we were all waiting for the wedding participants to arrive.

“What’s wrong Ella?” her sister and maid of honor called out to her.

“Just, everyone, leave me alone,” Ella murmured as she hurried out.

While everyone else listened, I stood up and raced after her. She’d walked out to the lawn where the wedding was to take place. Staff were still making sure everything was set up correctly for the wedding the following day.

The restaurant was remarkable and the wedding setting overlooking the beach was breathtaking. It gave me a bit of calm but it broke my heart to see Ella so broken as she sat on one of the white attendee chairs. With her elbows on her knees, she was rubbing her forehead and taking a few deep breaths.

I squatted next to her with great effort, pulling the hem of my skirt down.

“Relax, sweetie. This is supposed to be your day,” I said as I rubbed her arm consolingly.  

“Oh but it’s going to shit!”

I was surprised to see her crying and looked through my purse for some tissue.

“Ella…”

“Where is he? He’s late! All the people at the actual wedding aren’t even here and rehearsals are going to begin in about two hours. Dinner was supposed to start thirty minutes ago! Dad and his wife are late! Mom is acting funny cause Dad is bringing his wife. Oh god, Val, don’t have a wedding,” she said as she took the tissue from me and blotted her eyes as best as she could without messing up her makeup. “Just go to the courthouse.”

I twisted my mouth to keep my negativity at bay, ready to state that no one needed to worry about me getting married.

I sat next to her and rubbed her back soothingly.

“It doesn’t have to be perfect, you know?” I said to her, adding, “But I’m not going to act like I understand. It’s really stressful planning a wedding. But at the end of the day, as long as the two of you get married, who cares about anyone else? It’s about you two, not all of us.”

“I know but it’s supposed to be a celebration. Oh god I’m being such a diva right? Bridezilla is what they call us?”

“You’re not being a diva. You just want to celebrate your day. You may have had a vision of how this would go and it’s not turning out that way, but at the end of the day, come rain or shine, as long as the man you love is standing at the end of the aisle, and you meet him there so you can share your life with him? That’s all that matters. That’s what this is about. Tomorrow is about you saying ‘I do’, not everything else.”

She sniffled as her crying calmed down. It was after I stopped speaking that we realized someone had been standing at the entrance of the balcony. Peter.

“I’m glad you’re here you asshole,” Ella told him with a withering glance as she stood up and walked back into the building, evading him when he tried to hold her.

He sighed exhaustingly and muttered under his breath, “I love you too.”

I smiled at him. “Your big day is not too far off. Are you ready?”

I was surprised when he stood in front of me and gave me his hand.

At my surprise he rolled his eyes and made an impatient motion with his hand, “Come on.”

Suspiciously I put my hand in his as he pulled me up till I was standing in front of him. Pocketing his hands, he tilted his head and stared at me with the most apologetic expression I’d seen on his face since the night Henry and I had a huge blow out.

“I’m sorry,” He finally said and I lifted a brow. 

“What for?”

“I’ve been an asshole to you in the past. And I’m sorry.”

I was genuinely taken aback.  “I guess more men should get married. It seems to take their assholeness out of them.”

He smiled wryly as he shifted his weight from one leg to the other. “You should actually thank…someone else.”

At my querying expression he continued. “Just seeing how you’re there for Ella, she’s lucky to have a cousin like you. You’re not so bad after all. A bit of a Debbie Downer but, not so bad after all.”

I smiled and shrugged. “Thanks asshole.”

“Hug?” he asked with his arms wide open.

“Now you’re asking for too much,” I joked, and nonetheless smiled and gave him a hug.  

“Um, I also wanted to tell you something. But promise me you won’t freak out,” he said apprehensively after we pulled back.

“…What is it?” I narrowed my eyes distrustfully, “Was all of this just a set up—“

“Mate, I am so sorry I’m late! The traffic was so massive I didn’t think I’d make it. But I’m here. Rehearsals start at 7 don’t they? We’ve still got time, no?”

My mouth was hanging open. It felt like an electric shock went through me. That voice.

That voice…

I didn’t have enough time to act. My heart was thumbing loudly in my chest.

I was standing with my back to the voice and Peter could obviously see what gave me pause.

“I’ll go in and say hi to Ella first, or you think I should stay away?” the voice continued humorously with a touch of uncertainty.

“Go say hi first. She really wants to see you actually,” Peter urged him hurriedly.

“Iight mate. I’m sorry for interrupting ma’am, I’m—“

“Go man. She’s waiting for you. You’ll greet everyone later. Hurry cause she just wants to do a head count of all that are supposed to be here.”

“Sorted. And again, sorry ma’am! I like your dress by the way, whoever you are.”

I realized then that my hair was markedly different form the last time I’d seen Henry. It was a bit longer and bone straight. I was a lot bigger than the last time he’d seen me, then again I’d gone on a crash diet and unhealthily lost fifteen pounds in a month for the wedding.

“Hurry, Henry,” Peter pressed.

“Okay, okay, I’m gone,” Henry said and I heard his footsteps disappear.

I stared at Peter wide-eyed, “Please tell me he’s not—“

“I couldn’t have a wedding without one of my best friends. He’s like a brother to me.”

Last time I had checked, Ella had make Peter swear Henry off the wedding because of how their engagement party turned out. She affirmed to me that he was not going to be in it. That’s why I was so comfortable with being in this wedding, minus the weight issues, because I didn’t have to worry about seeing him.  

I felt no reason to badger her about it days before the wedding just to make sure. I wonder if she knew, but she had bigger fish to fry than deal with my reaction to finding out Henry was in the wedding, which is probably why she didn’t tell me.

“But why am I finding out about this now? Is this what you wanted to tell me?”

Peter sheepishly avoided eye contact, “Yeah.”

“You are so full of shit! That’s what the hug and smilies was for—“

“No. I really meant that. I thought the two of you were on good terms."

I looked at him like he was crazy and just shook my head. My legs still felt weak and my arms felt like they were about to fall off. Just from hearing his voice damn it.

My heart was still causing a racket in my chest and what made it worse was knowing that he could or would walk back at any minute. I shook my head in disbelieve.

“I can’t.” I paced the floor trying to figure out how this was going to work. I didn’t want to see him at all. I didn’t want him to see me either.

“I thought you were over him,” Peter said.

“I am!” I wailed.

“So why can’t you?”

“Don’t play these games with me, Peter. I am over him but he needs to stay the hell away from me and you tell him that.”  My sudden staunch attitude was surprising to even me, but only the heavens could explain why I was so afraid now.

“I thought you guys hashed things out,” he continued.

“There was nothing to hash out. He is nothing but a stranger to me. He means nothing to me. And he better not speak to me.”

I knew I made no sense.

“I’m confused. I thought you guys talked and came to an understanding,” Peter said, seemingly amused by my behavior.

“What’s so funny, Peter?”

“Nothing, I just—“

“And how would you know that me and him are on good terms anyway?”

“Henry and I have been talking. We’ve actually been talking a lot more than usual. He seems to be doing a lot better now.”

I swelled with happiness inside knowing he was doing better but refused to let that feeling engulf me.

“That’s good for him. Please just tell him to stay away from me. And not speak to me. I don’t want Ella’s wedding day ruined.”

You would think that after our last meeting that I’d come to terms. And I really thought I had. Until my heart dropped to my gut when I heard him. I felt angry and confused and happy. I was suddenly energetic and full of life but I also wanted to hibernate in the dark.

“Uncle Peter, Ella is calling all of us to have dinner quick so rehearsals can start,” Peter’s younger nephew informed us.

I tried not to glare at Peter as I nervously walked back into the building. I was being irrational making this wedding about me. It wasn’t my day and I had to go along with anything they had planned. I took a deep breath and stepped into the cozy restaurant.