Chapter 22

“Hey baby!” I felt an arm slip around my waist and turned to my side to see my younger sister, Bridgette. Instantly smiling, I hugged her tight, kissing her forehead.

“Hello my love,” I said affectionately, the love I had for her rushing through my veins. I hadn’t seen her in months and I was beyond glad to have her there. It was a nice distraction even as I heard Henry’s robust laughter coming from the other side of the room. Admittedly, I missed that sound but I couldn’t indulge in that. My love for my younger sister was all encompassing that even my confusion with Henry couldn’t overpower the feeling.

“You look amazing,” she told me and I smiled before tucking her head under my chin and tightening my arms around her again, hoping I wouldn’t crush her but knew better. While she was petite, she was strong due to her resistance training she did as part of being in her basketball team at school.

“Thank you hun. You look amazing yourself.” And she really did. She was a beauty and the only one in the family with freckles like me, though hers lighter.

We caught up on her studies while waiting for everyone to congregate, but the strong aromas of food sidetracked me.  It was making me dizzy and the hunger I felt from not eating enough the past few days was giving me one hell of a headache. I wanted to eat till I dropped but as the biggest girl among all the bridesmaids I refused to allow myself to. 

“You’ve lost a whole lot of weight, sis. What’s your secret?” Bridgette asked.

The innocence of the question struck me. Her eyes were brimming with curiosity and she had no earthly idea what I had done to lose so much weight.

I braved a smile and pulled her close. “Just, you know, working out. Eating boring foods. The normal way.” I tried to turn it around on her. “Now you tell me how you’ve kept this figure, honey.”

Bridgette had a high metabolism like my mother, and was very athletic, so there’s no surprise how she kept the weight off and barely gained even if she tried.

With a hand on her hip she shrugged and sassed me. “You know it’s just my good genes.”

I laughed and hugged her. “Silly goose. I love you so much and I’ve missed you.”

I did try to keep up with Bridgette, but as one of the more popular kids in her high school with an active life, she barely had time for me. She called me whenever she needed tutoring or advice on colleges or what to do with her life. I was always there for her but I realized not seeing her in a while had affected how I approached things. When I was around her, I had no choice but to be happy and strong and live as I should. She really was the only person I felt I had to do that for. I was there for all her break ups and other issues and made sure her self-esteem was where it needed to be. Maybe it was this pressing fear that she would turn out like me.  And maybe it was also the feeling that I wish I’d had that in my life.

But the amount of guilt that tore through me when she asked me how I’d lost so much weight was unbearable. I felt shame and disappointment.

Suddenly my eating disorder no longer seemed justifiable. Suddenly there was no excuse for what I did.

I suddenly felt so…selfish.

What would I do if I knew my precious baby sister was eating and throwing up? It’s not like I hadn’t had these worries or thoughts in the past. I had. My eating disorder started when I was away from my family at college, so I didn’t have to face them as much.

Since the eating disorder had reached its most troubling apex, I really pondered what would happen if she ever knew about it. We didn’t talk as much as I liked and she had a very busy, active social and academic life that she seemed to be just fine. But what if she was throwing up everything she ate like I was? The thought sent a shudder through me.

As I watched her laughing and joking with our twin nephews, I recalled all the times I’d laughed and smiled just to save face in front of family. I was so believable that no one believed anything was wrong.

What if she was facing some turmoil even with the huge smile plastered on her face?

I would go mad. I was supposed to lead by example. Yet there I stood in front of her a hypocrite.

Seeing her and seeing all of this family was forcing me to stare at my own reflection.

Another young cousin slammed into my legs filled with glee and I played with her a little while. Throughout it all, I heard Henry’s voice and laughter in the background.

At that point someone cracked a joke and his loud laughter reverberated through the restaurant. I couldn’t help but seek him out amongst my family.

His hair was a lot longer than I remembered. He wore a light blue shirt, his long legs clad by dark blue jeans with black boots. He really did look out of place standing among my very conservative family, but that’s what kept most eyes on him. He was standing with his arm around a slender olive-skinned woman with dark, long, curly hair. She looked much like the models he usually dated and was beyond gorgeous.

The level of jealousy I felt was much worse than when I saw him online with different women, all with the same physique. He obviously had a type.

And of course that was the time his eyes fell on mine. Electricity shot through me. It was like my heart pumped and sent a shock wave through my entire being.

I had to look away.

This behavior of mine was so embarrassing, so immature, and so uncouth but the only thing I could think to do was run away. I distracted my cousin with a playmate and started walking out of the restaurant, not knowing where I was going.

“Valerie!” I heard from behind me and went faster. What was this feeling of being exposed when I looked at him? All the feelings I buried and masked around others began to creep to the surface now that I saw him.

I would never be able to understand it. All I knew was that I had to get away from it.

“Val!” I heard him again, so loud I was sure everyone in the room heard. I felt his hand on mine and clutched my eyes shut, damning the whole world as he stopped me.

“Hey!”

His brilliant eyes studied me, and he seemed so genuinely happy and even floored to see me. There was a glow to his eyes, one I couldn’t quite describe. If I wasn’t mirroring his expression, I was feeling it inside. Seeing him in the flesh brought me such inexplicable joy.

“H-How are you?” He wet his lips nervously. “I…it’s so good to see you again…”

His shoulders rose and fell as he eyed me. His hand was still clasped around mine.

He stepped back as he run his eyes down my frame and back.

“You look different…” The tone of his voice was unclear.

“Valerie, Ella said we need to get the flowers from the car, but I don’t know where it’s parked.” Ella’s brother, Tom came into view, standing between Henry and I. I quickly extracted my hand from Henry’s hold.

“Good to see you Walker.” I glanced at Tom. “I’ll show you where they are.”

“Do you all need any help—“ Henry called out as I walked off, rubbing my temple. My head was pounding fiercely.

“No thanks, Henry. Tom, let’s go.”

By the time I had showed Tom the flowers, I was feeling exhausted and weak. I knew I had to eventually eat something before passing out. I came across Ella who was having an intense discussion with the wedding coordinator. The coordinator stepped to a nearby table to retrieve some papers and I chose then to speak with Ella.

“Do you need anything so far?” I asked.

“No. How are you.” She said more than asked as she bit on her nail nervously, concernedly eying the balcony where the wedding would take place.

“I was just checking on you before I go lay down for a few secon—“

“Okay,” she told me distractedly before focusing on the coordinator. Glad that the focus wasn’t on me, I hurried to the room we would be staying in at the lodge.

I ordered tons of room service, knowing I would regret it later.

Thankfully the food arrived moments before the rehearsal. Surprisingly, I was only able to pick at my food. I was hungry to the point of feeling sick and began to wonder why I was such a glutton for punishment. No one created this turmoil but me.

People thought it was so easy. I envied people who just stared at food and saw food. I saw comfort but I also saw years of dejection. I saw food and I saw…me and George. I clutched my eyes shut and tried to rid the memory of stretch marks and rolls and double chins and panic ripped through me when I recalled eyes of disgust.

I was beyond feeling sorry for myself. I didn’t even know what I was right now. Just habit. An addiction. There was no longer any method to my madness.

It was just pure self-hate and wanting to punish myself almost for no reason other than because that’s the only way I ever expressed myself.

I went to the bathroom and knelt to throw up the little bit that I had eaten…

But as I hovered the toilet, it got deathly quiet. Save for the ocean waves that I could hear in the distance.

And for some reason…for many reasons…I couldn’t.

I simply couldn’t.

****

“I’ve been looking all over for you!” Ella bristled and practically dragged me to where everyone was standing around preparing for the rehearsal. It wasn’t to start till 10 minutes later but I could understand why Ella was nervous about everyone being in attendance.

“I’m sorry. My head was killing me.”

While a part of me felt very powerful for not throwing up, I was still feeling conflicted. But I was also tired of feeling conflicted and defeated.

Something had to give. And I knew that it was me.

I stole a glance at Henry.

There he was, absolutely composed. Cracking jokes, being the life of the party. I noticed that wherever he stood, the area around him was always filled with smiles. Always.

I looked towards the ocean and as the coordinator began to prepare for rehearsals, I thought how each and every person standing here had their own tribulations. We all had our personal demons. But why was it that some of us turned to addiction to cope? I thought of Henry’s father and his addiction. We had to hold on to something because we couldn’t simply deal.

Did that make us weak? Or were we just products of our environment?

Didn’t addiction have something to do with genes? Were we predisposed to be addicts or were addicts just people who made poor decisions? These thoughts, they never had a definite answer and the situation always remained the same.

Why was I like this and why couldn’t I stop fucking thinking of why I was like this?

“Ma’am? What’s her name?”

“VALERIE!”

Snapping out of it, I turned from the ocean to find that everyone was staring at me.

“Please,” Ella breathed deeply now, smoothing her dress as she realized she might have screamed a bit too loudly. “Just stay focused.”

Peter put his arm around her. “Baby, relax. You’re taking this too seriously.”

Ella pushed his hand away, insulted by his blasé attitude when she was sweating buckets over planning the wedding.

I refused to look at Henry but felt his eyes on me.

“I’m sorry, it’s your turn to walk down the aisle.” The wedding coordinator told me. Everyone was looking. I tried not to think of how my body looked in their eyes. I was a prisoner of my own making, bound to my body image. I really hated it. 

What I needed to be doing was thinking of Ella. This was not a day to be preoccupied with my issues.

I put on my best smile and squared my shoulders.

“I’m sorry.” Pretending that the bouquet was at my navel, I walked down the aisle with my assigned groomsman, looking straight ahead at the setting sun beyond Tilden’s cityscape with the ocean lapping before it.  

When we were all standing at the altar, Henry’s ‘friend’ began to belt out a song and we were all enraptured not only by her beauty but even more by her voice. We all ended up clapping and I was pea-green with envy I wished I could diminish. I couldn’t help but look at Henry to find him eying the woman with so much admiration. When I looked at them both, they really did match each other. I couldn’t even imagine what Henry and I looked like when we stood together. Probably mismatched.

Rehearsals went pretty all right from that point forward.

At the end of it all I was standing at the altar while the coordinator spoke with the bride and groom when I saw Henry approaching me from the corner of my eye. I figured the rehearsals were probably over and started to exit the balcony. 

“Your voice is absolutely amazing. I’m really blown away,” I said to the beautiful singer in passing.

“Thank you so much!”

I was about to ask her how it felt to live life being so beautiful and so talented.

“I think we’ll need to shorten it,” Henry’s voice from behind me distracted me.

“I think your girlfriend did just fine,” I stupidly blurted before I could control myself.

“Girlfriend?” He lifted his eyebrows.

“I would rather die than ever be linked with this toad.” The singer said.

“Likewise, gremlin,” Henry retorted with his signature smirk.

“She’s not my girlfriend, I don’t have one. She just works for me.”

“He means we work together.”

“She’s on my new label that I’m working on,” he said looking me directly in the eye

I wanted to find out more about the label he was working on, but I was just too distracted by him standing so near. I didn’t even know if this was real.

“It was nice to meet you,” I said to them both as I departed.

“Valerie,” Henry called out to me, trying to stop me but I flinched when I felt his touch.

“I’m sorry Henry I have a bad headache. Have a good evening.” With that said, I walked away and never looked back.

The sound of the waves beneath the chatter among the wedding participants really got to me as I escaped.

And the sound drew me closer to the brewing storm that I was trying to escape.

Something was going to happen this weekend and I was sure of it.

***

“Hey mom!” The drink in my hand had me in better spirits and being friendlier than usual. The wedding was a success and everything went smoothly. The weather was perfect and it wasn’t too windy, so the waves lapped the shore gently. 

Tears were shed, congratulations were cheered, and smiles filled every face in attendance.

I actually felt pretty good as I kissed my mother on the cheek, who was surprised by my cheery attitude.

“Hey dear. You look so happy.”

My mother smiled at me and that was one of the times I was awed by her beauty which was enhanced by the professional make up we all had done today.

“I am. I’m happy for Ella,” I said.

I truly was. The way she looked into Peter’s eyes with such love, one couldn’t help but be happy.

“You’ve kept a good amount of weight off of you. You look great!” The immense approval from her grated my nerves a little, but I brushed it off easily as I sat down next to her, determined to remain in the same good mood I’d woken up with.

Another reason I felt great was because I had eaten pretty healthily and at good portions too. That’s why I had a good amount of energy. Not throwing up at all also had lots to do with my energy mostly on an emotional level.

I felt like I had conquered a milestone and went through an entire day without any shame. I could talk to my little sister without shame. I could talk to all of my family without feeling like I was hiding something. It gave me a bit of strength that maybe things would be okay in the future.

“Wasn’t that the fellow at your birthday earlier this year?”

My smile wavered when I saw whom my mother was referring to. Henry was seated with the gorgeous singer at their assigned table. There was a twinkle in his eye as he watched the entire wedding in admiration. He looked very handsome too.

The groomsmen wore grey suits, white dress shirts, and baby blue ties. Henry being the tallest of them stood out. I couldn’t stop staring at him the first time he came out and I felt his eyes on me quite a bit but we kept a respectable distance away from each other.

The day was literally for her and only her, so I had no time to worry about running into Henry. He seemed to get the idea and didn’t approach me again. If we bumped into each other we gave each other respectful distance. We’d only said a brief hello to each other when we first saw each other. Being around him still made me nervous but I think we were both in the same mind-frame that today wasn’t our day and put any issues we may have had aside for Peter and Ella.

“No. I think you have him confused with someone else,” I told her as I sipped on some champagne.

“I usually don’t mistake faces. I’m pretty sure that’s him. Wasn’t he the one who was sucking your face after taking you outside on your birthday? And he brought you all those peach balloons didn’t he?”

I usually thought that my mother didn’t pay that much attention but she would always surprise me months later by remembering details.

Taking a huge gulp of my champagne, I cleared my throat, “No mom.” 

It made me uncomfortable because we never had these kinds of conversations because she never had to worry about me doing these kinds of things.

“Just as I expected. He moved on to the next one didn’t he? She is pretty, the woman he brought with him.” We all had assigned seats and Henry just so happened to be seated with the singer. I was surprised when Ella walked up to their table and took Henry’s hand to dance with her and Peter. That really made me happy and I could see in her eyes that she had forgiven him.

“That’s not his girlfriend. That’s his artist,” I explained, almost too defensively and finished my champagne too quickly.

“Is that the new lingo for a pimp and his whore?”

I nearly choked. “Mom!”

“Oh I’m kidding! I’ve had too much champagne.”

There were already three empty flutes on the table.

“Well maybe you need to stop,” I took her half finished glass from her and began to sip from it as I was done with mine. “His artist as in he owns a record label.”

“Does he?” My mother lifted an amused eyebrow. While she was always impressed with entrepreneurs I was surprised because last time I checked, she deemed his career ‘easy’ and not ‘of the serious kind’.

“He’s actually very successful. He even owns a few nightclubs and restaurants. Don’t let the boyish smile fool you.”

I was watching him as I spoke, feeling of prideful. I didn’t get to talk about him much or his accomplishments, but was very boastful of his achievements. Also knowing the struggle it took him to get there, I appreciated his success that much more.

“Do you still want him?”

My mother’s pointed question made me wonder just how obliviously open I was when speaking about him. I immediately got defensive.

“No. I never did. That was just something to do at the time. We’re very different people. From different worlds. We don’t relate.”

She studied my face and I turned away before she could read anything. Then she shook her head at me with a weak but knowing smile as she gazed back at a group of men standing at one corner of the ballroom. “I said the same thing about your father.”

My father stood silently among other older men as they discussed who-knows-what. Whenever he was in a group, he was the most silent and I attributed it to him either obsessing over the business deals he could be handling or him listening to other people’s business ideas. Such ceremonies were of no value to my father and I knew my mother’s power over him was the only reason he was in attendance. I hadn’t spoken to him all day but he didn’t seem to mind.

I didn’t either because I had nothing to say to him.

“For all his ways, he never strayed from his family,” My mother continued affectionately and I was taken aback by the glazed look in her eyes. They were both not very emotional people and I only heard of them speak fondly of each other’s career accomplishments, but not their accomplishments of who they were as people. “Looking at Ella’s situation, divorced parents, your father is really not as bad as everyone thinks.”

It was nice to hear my mother speak of my father like this. I wished for a moment we had more talks like this.

She smiled wistfully. “He reminds me a lot of that strapping young man, George. I really thought you two would get married.”

And just like the rug had been snatched from up under me, I fell to hard cold reality. All the blood drained from my head and my entire demeanor changed once she uttered his name and with such admiration.

I froze and the negative reaction towards hearing the name that made me sick made its way through my body like the monster it was, carrying with it dark memories.  

“You know if you’d married George it would have been a very big wedding. Your father would have really liked that. George doesn’t come from the greatest family but he has built quite a name for himself and your father was and still is very fond of him. We loved him so much. Couldn’t you guys just work things out? I truly believe he loved you.”

I was sitting very still and wanted to throw up. Not out of my eating disorder, but simply because the mere thought of George made me fucking sick.

My mother picked up the disappointment on my face and could probably sense me retreating because she hastily continued.

“I wasn’t trying to upset you. You’re not really like other women Valerie. You’re a workaholic when you want to be, but you have to learn when to soften up a little bit. Honestly, George was the only one that was going to put up with you because you are so closed off and have refused to open up to anybody. And you can be so negative which most people don’t like being around but you changed around George. Your demeanor changed. You seemed so happy with him. I was just saying that he was a great catch—“

I slammed the tulip glass on the table and stood up. “Of course you would think that. Of course you would. If you only knew.” The alcohol already had me emotional and I couldn’t hold anything in like I would under normal circumstances.

“Valerie.”

“We’re done talking. I’m tired of you and your husband. Maybe you guys should have put me up for adoption and adopted George instead. That should do the trick and solve all your ‘what could have beens’.”

Ignoring her gasp, with my champagne in tow, I hurried out of the reception as quickly as my heels would allow. Tears threatened and were rolling down my face by the time I made it outside until I was standing behind a tree that shielded me from the party.

I didn’t drink frequently so when I did I obviously had no filter. I’d never been drunk around my parents and was fearful of revealing just what had truly happened between George and I. The shock on my mother’s face hurt me as I strove to never defy her or my father. I needed to move away so that I could stop all these lies when it came to my feelings. It was becoming exhausting.

But I was allowing it to. Why did I feel like I owed all my allegiance to my parents? It was my choice to stay but there was this paralyzing fear that kept me from escaping this cage. I allowed this fear to terrorize me so long I didn’t know how to live with it other than develop addiction habits that were torrentially destroying my body.

I successfully wiped my tears and continued to nurse my drink, looking over the ocean and trying to enjoy the beautiful day.

“Peek-a-boo. I see you.”

I froze, my spine straightening as I sucked my breath. I was just about to make my escape, but at that point, I realized that I was being beyond silly. This was not the behavior of an adult.

I couldn’t keep running.

So I stayed.

I embraced the fear, and I stayed.

Chapter 23

Henry finally showed his face, and I forced myself to stay. And so did his warm, inviting smile.

“Hey,” I said, barely audibly. I glanced at my drink cautiously, “Oh, I’m sorry, I’ll—“

“No don’t be silly. You can drink around me. I won’t combust.” His voice was very calming. Like a balm used to soothe an ache. Or a lullaby used to lull a child to sleep. But that feeling of calm brought a surprising burst of panic, more fierce than before, that nearly made me turn and leave. I forced myself to be still.

He leaned against the tree bark with his hands pocketed and one foot crossed over the other. Just as suave as could be.

“You’re literally running away from me. It’s a bit hilarious.” His crooked smile and eyes made me feel so alive.

This is why I was running. The storm was getting closer. And because we were far away from the loud music, we could hear the ocean. I recalled what happened last time I was around him and the only sound I could hear other than my nervous breaths were the ocean waves.

With heated cheeks I looked away.

“I’m not running away. I wish you’d just stop following me.” I sneered because of how he made me feel inside, rounding the tree until we were on opposite ends of each other, divided by the tree.

“I’d follow you to the ends of this earth if I had to,” he said with a soft smile. He moved around the tree to look at me and I looked away nervously, going the other way.

“You must really think I’m easy if that was supposed to work. I guess I didn’t put out long enough anyway did I?” I tried not to recall that memorable evening. The night I foolishly thought I could handle such an emotionless and physical arrangement. Who the hell was I fooling?

He was smiling. I couldn’t see it, but I could feel it. "How have you been, Valerie?"

I closed my eyes, savoring the sound of his voice. The sound alone made me feel like everything would be okay. But I hated that I needed to hear his voice in order to feel that way.

"Fine. You?" I finally replied.

"Good. I'm good."

"That's good."

He moved around the trunk again until we could see each other. Mentally I continuously cursed him for seeming so undisturbed while I was doing all I could not to fidget. Once again I had no control over my body when he was around. I hated this shit.

"You look really pretty you know."

I scowled at him.

When he saw my scowl he playfully widened his eyes fearfully and hid behind the tree trunk again. I looked away so that he wouldn’t see how hard he made me smile. A different part of me was awakening. A playful side that I remembered only around my baby sister, someone who abandoned me, and George.

It was amplified whenever I was around Henry and I was realizing now how frightening it was. These first world problems we had. They seemed so trivial but felt like the world when we were submerged in them.

Thoughts of fear placed me in a battle and I tried to protect myself.

"You’re saying it so much like you're trying to convince yourself." I refused to make the same mistake and fall for the same lines.

"I'm saying it cause it's what I think and I know it makes you uncomfortable."

"You're trying to make me uncomfortable?" I accused and he showed himself.

"It's exciting."  The devilish fire in his eyes made my cheeks burn and I tried to credit that to the champagne but knew better.

He smiled with chagrin, seemingly easing off of me as he looked about the picturesque park.

"I'm sorry. I'm a sad lil' twisted monster, aren’t I?"

I rolled my eyes despite the butterflies his dimpled smile gave me and he grinned. He knew that he’d got me.

After a few shy smiles, it grew quiet and we both seemed to just enjoy each other’s presence, not needing to say a word. The ocean waves sounded again.

I longed for these moments and for a brief moment wondered why I hadn’t strove to feel this way on my own.

I hated to think that I needed to be around anyone to realize that life wasn’t all that bad. The sun was setting, which created a gold landscape across the park. I looked out to the ocean a few miles up, the manicured lawn, the sparse clouds drifting in the sky. Then I started to imagine computer-generated imagery and began to think of how amazing this would look in a role-playing video game.

"What are you thinking?”

“Nothing really,” I murmured.

“You okay?” he asked a bit more seriously this time. 

I was in the eye of the storm. My heart was in my throat. I suddenly felt the need to collapse on him, but didn’t want to be so vulnerable. So needy.

"I'm okay,” I said above a whisper just as my eyes watered and I tried to smile but by then I’d given myself away. “You ever made a mistake, one so horrible you wish you could take it back? That you know everything would be different if you could take it back?”

Henry’s eyes were alarmed and he gasped quietly. “Valerie…” be breathed, his voice tinged by shock as he approached me but I flinched away.

“You’ll turn your back on me like everyone else.”

“No I wouldn’t,” he promised. Immediately.

“Funny thing is, that’s what George said.”

“Who is George?”

I wanted to blurt it out. I wanted to tell him everything. But I was stricken with a fear so paralyzing so controlling that it hurt to breath just thinking of what I wanted to say. Henry reached for me and I moved away.

“No. Don’t,” I croaked as I wiped my tears, letting the glass plop onto the cushiony grass.

He held my hand to still me. “Valerie, look at me…”

“Why?” I hissed. “So I can take a mental picture just in case you leave again?”

Guilt engulfed his features. “I won’t leave again. I swear it.”

I was inconsolable. The dam had broken and the tears flowed freely from my eyes. I didn’t bother wiping them any longer.

“I never meant to hurt you…”

“It’s not about you. It’s about me. I’m crazy.” I started trying to walk away from him.

“No you’re not.” He stopped me again and I glared at him.

“How do you know? I have a fucking therapist. That’s what Daddy said when he saw me crying. He told me that I needed professional help. He didn’t try to sit down and help me. He just told me he was going to get me help and that he had work to do…”

I shook my head with a bitter smile with my eyes downcast.

“You should have seen his face Henry. He got so uncomfortable. It was just like when I was younger he just sat me down and told me to be quiet. He did the same thing now the only difference is he just sent me to a therapist.”

Henry frowned deeply as I looked down at me. By then the truth began to burst out of me in little spurts.

“I think…I think that hurt me more than what George did…”

“What did George do?” Henry asked patiently.  I opened my mouth, then remembered that I would probably not see Henry again after this. It made me frustrated.

“What’s the use? You’ll just run away. They always run away when it gets to be too much. Why can’t I just be like you or the rest of them? You all are strong. You don’t feel sorry for yourself. You can handle it. Why can’t I handle it? It’s called life. It’s called life…” I was stepping back but Henry held my arms in place.

“Everyone is not as strong as you think. We all deal differently.”

I laughed sarcastically while shaking my head, thinking of all the times I was bent over a sink or toilet bowl trying to throw up. “If you learned how I dealt…”

I hated how I was acting but an avalanche of emotions began to tumble. This was the hurricane I was trying to avoid around Henry.

I couldn’t lie around him.

“Stop.” He said quietly as he held my arms and brushed my hair. “Stop…”

I was so overwrought with emotions I was shaking slightly.

“It’s okay,” he murmured quietly.  “There’s nothing wrong with you.”

I clutched my eyes shut as the painful memory stabbed me. “That’s what George would say and then...”

I paused. I knew that this was it. I knew that I was finally going to tell someone about it. What I’d been holding within me for so long. My mistakes. My stupidity. How vulnerable and needy I was.

“Talk to me. Tell me what’s wrong.” I hesitated, wondering if I could do this. I would change forever if I told him because I hadn’t told anybody everything. Not even Ella.  

“Come on. Come with me. If only for tonight, just trust me.”

His hands were on my shoulders and he looked at me intently. “Today is all I ask for. Not for me. For you.” He paused and then added, “You need to.”

At that moment I just let it all out and basically collapsed on him, putting all my weight on him. But a harsh memory made me pull back, but Henry pulled me back in and held me closely, strongly kissing the crown of my head. The way his hands rubbed my arms and my back was so reassuring, it’s like he was releasing the tension I’d been having within me in the form of tears that soaked his shirt.

I realized then that try as I might, I couldn’t lie to this man. And I could count on one hand how many times I’d actually met him face to face, yet I was more honest around him than people I’d known since I was a child.

But then, I’d felt the same thing with Gregory. Just as the troubling thought crossed my mind, Henry took my hand and led the way.

“Come on.”

***

“Care for a SeaBurger?”

We’d just gotten off of Henry’s motorcycle and he was holding my hand while we crossed SeaBurger. With his bike it was only 10 minutes away from the reception. All the pictures had been taken and people were still just partying at the reception so I didn’t feel too bad about not being there.

I was hungry but I was too nervous to eat. I simply shook my head. Gnawing on his bottom lip, Henry drew me closer and looped his arm around my shoulders. His jacket was off and he hooked it with his fingers before slinging it over his shoulder.

As we walked down to the beach, I was conflicted between being nervous and relieved. I didn’t know what was going to happen.

The beach did give me fond memories when we were all playing ball. It was also the first place Henry and I kissed.

We eventually sat down with Henry behind me. I was in between his legs, both of us facing the ocean. Laying on my side, the front half of my body rested on Henry’s torso and arm while my legs were curled. It was still bright outside as we watched the waves crushing to the shore. I would be fine just sitting there with him that way, completely broken and unpretentious, but when Henry spoke he reminded me why I was here.

“Tell me what happened,” he implored gently as he gently massaged my neck and shoulder. I nuzzled his arm, gripped with fear once again.

“You don’t have to talk about it if you’re not ready. Whoever he is he just seems to bring out the worst in you.”

“He was the biggest mistake I’ve ever made,” I blurted before I could change my mind. I only realized I was gripping Henry’s arm tight when his arm flexed. He continued to caress my neck and I calmed a little, knowing I was going to be stepping into the pool of fire I’d been avoiding for the last two years or so.

“He was the first guy I fell in love with who claimed to love me back, so of course I fell hard,” I began my trip down memory lane.

"The last time I trusted someone, I got hurt very badly. He was someone I met in college. We took the same class. These guys on the second day were making fat jokes about me and he cursed them out and came to sit by me. Those were his friends.

"George wasn’t one of the cool guys but he’d always longed to be. He played college baseball and tried to fit in as much as he could, but our college was a bit elitist. He could never fully fit in, even with those who he claimed were his friends. But one thing he had over most people was that he was really smart. He came from a lower middle class family and the pressure to succeed was so much. One semester he didn't do well because his mother was sick, and he was having to work since they couldn’t afford healthcare, there so much going on and he lost his scholarship. He was worrying that all his hard work would be in vain, so I helped him get a paid internship at my father's company. 

"At that point my father's business was still struggling, and he was about to throw in the towel. Tilden is so competitive, very competitive. There are so many startups and the age gap no longer helps those who've been in the industry longer. We have younger people innovating successful things because they understand what this generation wants better than some CEOs who have been in the industry for years. The thing about the technology world is that it is ever-changing. You never know where the next big thing will come from.

"George was shy about his ideas and asked me if I could pitch them to my father. I should have known though with how strict he was about my father crediting him for his ideas, but at the time it made perfect sense because this is a dog eat dog business and one valuable idea could make you a billionaire. If you did not protect that idea with your life, someone else could build a fortune and legacy off of you.

“Like a blind fool I helped him polish his ideas and helped him put up the presentation. The kind of work he wanted to do wasn’t my interest, so I wasn’t really worried about getting credit or my piece of the pie. My love was gaming and I considered George my best friend at that time. I was falling in love with him too. I was just too blind and to be honest, I was also desperate. I had never had a relationship. I was tired of always being the girl that the wing man tried to distract while my friends were lusted after.

“Guys only called me if they needed help with something school related. They only kissed my ass because they had knowledge of my father and his contributions to software programming. Whenever I liked them they made sure I knew my place. So when I found that George wasn’t embarrassed to be seen with me when we went out, and even started asking me to go places with him…I was so happy.

“He wanted to start up but didn't have the funds. I don’t know why I believed him or felt sorry for him. When I look back at it now, he didn’t want to put in the extra work to start on his own. He just wanted a short cut. After struggling so long, he saw this golden opportunity to make money fast.

“Anyway, I helped sell him to my father until they became a team and he became an asset to Earldet. He was hired before he even completed graduation and with his ideas, the company had a 40% increase in revenue. It pushed my father's business to the forefront. I had never seen so much adoration in my father’s eyes and my father actually looked at me differently. For the first time my father behaved like I had finally done some good.

"Let me not forget to mention that these persuasions became more frequent when he told me he'd fallen in love with me and wanted to be with me. How could I not believe him? I'd never had a boyfriend. Never been kissed. I was always told I was too disgusting and that I didn't deserve anyone because of how disgusting and lazy I was to allow myself to be so fat. So now I had a guy who was everything that I could want, who seemed to accept me for who I was, telling me he had feelings for me and he loved me.

"We played video games together. Went on dates. He’d kiss me publicly. My confidence had never been as high as it was. I was in love with him too by then and I jumped at the chance to be with him with open arms. Of course a part of me was skeptical, but the feeling was overshadowed with just wanting love and acceptance.

"Once he got chummy with my dad and was promoted quicker than I'd ever seen anyone promoted because of his ideas, he started changing. This was about six months into our relationship. One thing I'd missed out on a lot was physical affection. The passionate kissing stopped and there were times I noticed…"

The pain of the memory gripped and I covered my face because I’d never told anyone the gross details. Not even Ella. All she knew was that this guy had hurt me like no other but had no idea to what extent.

“Valerie…” Henry’s voice pierced through my thoughts as I sobbed.

"When I tried to kiss him he'd move away or sometimes we'd be sitting in the living room watching a movie and he'd be staring at me and there would be this look of…" I remembered the look of disgust and pain wrenched my insides.

"Whenever I ate he…"

"Val…"

"He didn’t say anything but his expression said so much. One time I caught him staring and it would have been better if he just called me a pig or said what was on his mind. When I caught him staring he quickly changed his expression, as though he was caught in the act, and smiled  before saying I was adorable.

“I ate it up. Like such a fucking fool. But I knew the truth, so I tried to stop eating but it was so hard. I tried exercising more. My insecurities began to get worse cause I'd see him flirting with other people. There's a time we went out and I tried to hold his hand but…"

I shook my head at the memory. Henry was hugging me to him, whispering apologies in my ear, but I could barely hear him. I was in the eye of the storm and nothing could stop me.

"I was in denial. I believed I’d finally found the one guy that loved me and believed him when he said he wasn’t too big on PDA. He used to say in the beginning how he couldn’t wait to show me how much he appreciated my body. He suddenly came up with this reason that he just felt weird doing it before marriage and that he wanted to wait." I rolled my eyes and fat tears spilled.

"I believed him. But one time we went out on my birthday and he was flirting with this girl in my face. I was so angry when we got home that day and he noticed and tried to calm me down but I was so upset. I was so dumb I believed him and we had sex for the first time."

I was breathing sharply as I spoke. 

"I remember thinking and feeling so beautiful. He was so passionate about it all. He looked like he meant every word. He looked like he'd just gotten a prize. I just felt like I wasn't a mistake or a nuisance or disgusting. Things were fine for a month or so, but then when we would have sex after that, it just wasn’t the same.”

I hesitated and looked at my wrists, remembering the marks on them.

“Sometimes…” the horror of it was something I hadn’t faced yet. My heart galloped and I refused to even acknowledge how I’d allowed something to ‘love’ me so brutally.

I thought it was love. I really did. That’s what I kept trying to tell myself. That’s what I still told myself sometimes even though there were days the way George handled my body made me feel like he was punishing me.

I couldn’t bring that up now. I would be a mess.

“Eventually, about two months into when we became intimate with each other, I got this weird email of a video. The person stated ‘Valerie, I think you need to see this. Be careful who you trust'. I didn't know who it was from, which is what makes it eerie to me to this day, but I played the video."

"He was at some party, I'm not sure. I don't think he knew he was being recorded. Either he was too high or drunk, I don’t know. It looked like a party. Someone asked him how he could stomach being with me and he goes 'How can I see anything with that fucking stomach. She's like a fucking pig'. I remember every single word. They all started laughing.

“Someone asked why he was with me and he goes, 'My god, I don’t know how long I can keep this up. I mean, I've already pretty much cemented my position in the company, I'm just waiting on a new offer that I have at ESCAL Industries and I'll be out. Do you know hard it is to fuck her? I've never been so disgusted in my life. It's a miracle I stayed hard. My brainpower is amazing I had to keep thinking of someone else to get through it and be believable.'”

“You’ve got to be kidding me…” Henry muttered behind me in disbelief.

"He kept going on, ‘What's so fucking sad is she lay there like she really believed it' he was laughing as he said it. 'Like she really thought I was into it and fuck, I was so glad when it was over. She wanted me to cuddle afterwards, didn't have a choice because she was too heavy to push away."

“God…” Henry muttered under his breath. So much hatred and pain writhed within my body.

"What kind of person does that? What did I do to deserve that? Just because I was fat?"

I sighed shakily. "I was in so much shock I refused to believe it was me he was talking about. So I confronted him. I showed him the video. Then he started to say I was a despicable bitch jealous of the connection he had with my father. Yes, sometimes it made me envious but I actually appreciated it because my dad seemed a bit kinder to me.

“And he just became such an ugly person that night. I saw his true colors...”

I had replayed this scene multiple times in my head, and went back to the day everything shattered...