Chapter 7

A soft glow spread throughout the dimly lit porch where Henry and I had settled. I was on the cushiony porch swing and he was on a wrought iron chair on the other side.

We were discussing the beer brand when Peter poked his head out in the porch, disrupting us.

"This girl won't stop asking me about you," he told Henry warily.

Henry sat back and propped his legs on the chair in front of him, crossing one ankle over the other.

"Just tell her the truth. I'm not looking for a serious relationship right now," Henry told him, his eyes so honest and unapologetic.

I knew it was none of my business, but his words made me feel a bit weird. At least now I knew where he stood. It's not like that's what I wanted from him anyway. Though it did show me how unusual our little interactions were going. We'd kissed each other many times and he'd just given me a hickey.

Then again, maybe this wasn't really unorthodox for 'normal' people like Ella had said. Maybe it was normal to just enjoy physical frolicking with the opposite sex just because they looked and sounded good. I thought back to all the times I envied Ella's stories of making out with a guy with no strings attached just because she was attracted to him. I guess Henry and I were doing the same thing. So my bet was not to put too much stock into what we were doing.

And anyway, I'd already warned him about being afraid of me. I already knew I wasn't relationship material, at least not yet, so I couldn't fault him for not wanting one.

I tried to cease my mind from running too far with thoughts. We hadn't even talked about it so I didn't need to be thinking about it.

"What?" I heard Henry ask inquisitively and looked up to find his eyes sparkling with curiosity across from me.

"It's nice out today," I hedged as I took a swig of beer.

"It is. We should go out dancing or something," he said as he slid further down in his seat, also sampling his beer.

"Um, earth to music producer, I got a regular 9 to 5. It's a Thursday. Not gonna happen. Where do you live?"

"Miss Randomson, I live in East of London in a nice little house. I'm thinking of getting a place here but I'm not sure. I move around a lot, I'm currently in a hotel that's why I asked Peter if I could cook at his place."

"I would have much rather eaten at your hotel than his raggedy house."

Henry smiled, scrutinizing me pensively for several moments. "Is there some kind of rivalry between you and Peter?"

"We just get on each other's nerves, that's all."

He nodded. "Peter's a strong personality."

Sometimes I wondered what the hell Henry saw in Peter. I knew enough now to know that they were like oil and water. Peter was brash and uncouth and never thought before he spoke. He was elitist in some ways and could be very judgmental to those that weren't like him.

Henry was nothing like that, at least so far. He was kind just by nature and didn't have to try hard to be, that's just who he was. He didn't have to watch what he said because normally he didn't have anything bad to say about anyone, though admittedly that made me wonder about him sometimes.

Still, he seemed like the type who accepted anyone and everyone for what they were without any qualms. He took the 'live and let live' saying to heart and didn't hurt anyone as long as they were living their lives positively. His kind was a rare breed but it was nice when you came across them.

"How long are you going to be here?" I asked, hoping I didn't sound as longing as I felt.

"I leave tomorrow."

"Oh." I tried not to show my disappointment, focusing on my perspiring bottle instead. He lived in freaking London so this little fun thing we had going on would be ending soon. I hated how dejected I was already feeling. I needed to get a fucking grip. This is what 'having fun' with someone entailed: not getting attached.

"Why are you all the way over there, Madame?" Henry suddenly asked me.

I looked up to him across the dark.

"Come here," he motioned with his head and I blushed just at the thought of going to him.  He knew what happened any time we were physically close to one another. I couldn't handle another earth shattering moment. Unlike before, I now felt I had to have control, not because of my own insecurities and problems, but because of him. He made me too weak and vulnerable and I became irrational around him.

I was starting to wonder if I should have feared this nice guy.

"Are you suddenly scared of me?" he asked humorously, unknowingly reading my mind.

I worried my bottom lip in apprehension for a few seconds.

Not wanting to be mocked, I got up and crossed the wooden porch. It creaked beneath my bare feet as I made my way across and sat at the edge of the chair where his feet were. I was barely sitting, his feet were centered on the chair and there wasn't much room for me.

This made Henry laugh heartily and I nursed my beer to control the timidity that enveloped me.

"Valerie."

I looked up and he pointed at his lap. "I meant come sit here. With me. Not there."

His eyes pierced through the dark to me, coaxing me. I never wanted to be those girls that did anything a man told them to, especially after a harsh experience in my past, but this was the problem of having so little experience. You always wanted those experiences you longed for when they were unattainable to you.

I got up, gripping my beer in hand cause I was so nervous, and crossed the distance between us. Filled with trepidation, I sat on his sturdy thighs but avoided looking at him, focusing on my beer instead.

I didn't feel him strain or  struggle to hold my wait. I was also surprised by how solid his muscle felt under my own thighs. He was much stronger than he looked it seemed. Kind of reminded me of someone I used to know.

"You're very weird," I murmured while staring at my bottle.

"I get that quite a bit."

"I mean, I just feel suspicious sometimes because I know I'm not your type," I blabbered and bit my lip regretfully. 

"You must live inside my brain to know that…" I could tell he was a bit irritated and I glanced at him apprehensively and was surprised to find that while his expression wasn't one of irritation, it was basically unreadable. I focused on my bottle again.

"You're perfect and I'm not," I hated that I was saying this.

"Why would you ever put another human being above yourself? I reckon now that you don't think all beings are created equal."

"What? No! that's not true."

"Why would you say someone else is out of your league or more perfect than you are? That sounds like you're being pretty judgmental against yourself to me and it means you think there are people who are actually better than others for trivial reasons such as 'type'."

"No. no I'm not. I never looked at it like that…" I said solemnly. I was not used to having such conversations of depth with men.

He studied me for a minute and I broke eye contact.

"One of these days, you're going to have to tell me everything Valerie. The whole story. Remember bits and pieces," he shook his head. "not my thing."

I looked up at him and studied his expression too. It usually took me eons to trust someone but for some reason I really wanted to trust this guy. I was so drawn to him. This is where I normally fought or started running in the other direction. This is where this unnatural happening made me conclude that it didn't make sense which meant I was being used.

My uneventful safe life nearly made me shut the doors again, but for now, I chose to brave it out.

"Okay. I was severely overweight as a little girl well into my adulthood," I blurted out with no tact whatsoever. I felt a bit silly afterwards but now that the cat was out of the bag, there was no reneging.

I felt Henry's shock and didn't dare look at him. I didn't want to see his troubled or confused expression. I kept going like I was closing my eyes and deciding to run into a burning building.

I decided since I'd already started, I might as well say as much as I could.

"Gastric bypass," I rushed to add. "But also hard work. People call that fake losing weight, but I really did work hard."

"Fuck people," Henry finally said. I was so wired up I couldn't even comprehend what he was thinking of me now.

"Well, I'm sorry for bringing up this awkward conversation. I just feel like I'd be lying if I didn't say--Well, not lying but--I just…ugh, I'm sorry."

It was a bit strange to bring up something that shouldn't have bothered me anymore. It's just that it did. Articulating how it did was the problem. There was always the 'get over it' attitude and it was easier said than done. It was easier to get over it in other aspects of my life except for when it came to dating.

The weight may have melted away, but the scars were still there. Scars from bullying, neglect, stares.

I waited for Henry to be completely turned off like the last guy I tried to explain it to. I waited for him to do the big 'Ooookay well that was fun. Wanna go back inside?' and never speak to me again.

"Even with the weight gone, you're still self-conscious," he said conclusively, rubbing just below my nape and I nodded as his warm hand spread warmth through me.

My heart thudded ferociously in my chest. I hoped to god I wasn't making a mistake by trekking these paths of the past.

"Yeah. It's just been about a year and a half since I lost the weight. I still have a long way to go."

"No. You stop here. You're fine."

The way he was treating me was making me break piece by piece. I never knew telling him about this would have me feeling so vulnerable and jumpy and besides myself. I thought since we were speaking as friends the words would flow out easily. Now I realized how much I valued his opinion. Now I realized how much I didn't want him to run away from me and my baggage.

"But my BMI says I'm still overweight," I blurted yet again, now realizing that the reason I couldn't close the broken dam that was my mouth was because I hadn't talked about this openly with anyone in a very long time. Even with my therapist I censored my words because that was my way of rebelling against my father.

Part of me keeping my job was going to the therapy sessions Dad had sort of coaxed me into going to. As a grown woman, I couldn't say he actually made me go. Though if I wanted to keep my job in that reputable company, I went.

Long story.

"Fuck a BMI, are you kidding me?"

I realized then that Henry's caustic curse words were something I wasn't used to. He didn't seem the type to throw curse words left right and center so when he did you listened. I peered at him to find that he was genuinely disturbed by my line thinking that I needed to lose weight. Focusing on the opening of my beer again, I tried to explain myself without sounding too pitiful.

"It's just I still feel…disgusting…"

Memories of staring at my overhanging flesh in the mirror flashed through my mind. The pain and helplessness that would cease me then subjugated me now mentally and nothing I could do could stop it. The therapy sessions had helped until I met Henry. I knew I sounded crazy and incoherent, I just didn't know how to encapsulate years of mental and emotional abuse into a few sentences.

"People with more weight aren't disgusting. They're still people."

When I looked up at Henry I found that he wasn't pleased with what I'd said I searched his expression for any faux righteousness but found none. I knew he wasn't a saint and didn't want to be seen as one but I was also beginning to learn that Henry Walker had boundaries when it came to judging people.

"But apparently they're lazy and lack self control and apparently they stink more and they're just vile human beings who don't deserve to be happy and will burn in hell for what they allowed to happen."

"Is that what people used to tell you?" he was frowning.

"I was reminded of every day of my life. Well, that's kind of dramatic. Most days when they didn't feel the need to state the obvious."

"You were as beautiful then as you are now."

His words made me pause.

"I know. Go on, roll your eyes…" he said in some kind of self-deprecation that surprised me. It's like he was used to people thinking that a guy 'like him' was bullshitting being so 'nice'.

"You haven't seen me…" I tried to explain to him, anxiously gripping my beer.

"I have seen you," he insisted. I opened my mouth protestingly but I decided I'd already said too much.

"What is it?" the gentleness of his tone made me gush everything I'd been holding in.

"What if I gain the weight back? I have a horrible metabolism. I have to keep the weight away," my voice was tinged with panic. I couldn't go back to being treated as sub-human, people making oink noises when you walked by, or men and women looking at you like you were a vile creature.

"What if? So? You'll still be Valerie? The honest game player? Who likes winters in New York and dancing on the sandy beaches at 4 in the morning? Who also likes the smell of Apples?"

The smile in his voice made me twitch a small smile. His hand was on the waist I despised so much and he rubbed the lower back of it consolingly as he watched me thoughtfully for several moments.

"You don't believe me."

"I'll come around. Eventually. I'm working on it. What about you? Your story? I've been narcissistic enough already. I need to hear more about you." I hoped my steering of the conversation would be successful, but Henry only watched me mutely in deep thought as he habitually rubbed his plump bottom lip.

"Are you sure you're okay?" he finally asked, not wanting to delve into another conversation before he was sure I was fine. I felt good that he wasn't rushing the conversation off, no matter how uncomfortable it got him.

"I'm actually very happy," I told him honestly. No matter how weird I felt I was glad I'd finally told him. Henry surprised me when he tucked my hair behind my hair.

"You're so fucking adorable to me…" he murmured wondrously and I felt heat that only he could create permeating through me.

"It's your turn, Mr. Bean," I said to try take the sudden shyness about to control me. Henry's face lit up, his eyes going so wide the white showed, and a grin creeping his lips.

"Why Mr. Bean? Cause I'm British?!" he exclaimed and it took a while for me to realize that he thought I was referring to the comedic show Mr. Bean.

"No! Cause you wear beanies!" I dropped my face in my palms. "Oh god! I'm sorry." I looked up at him, adding, "Speaking of beanies, I have yours in the car. So anyway," I impulsively fixed his denim collar, forcing myself not to touch the exposed touchable skin. "Tell me about your story." 

"My story," he said with a thoughtful sigh, looking off at the still, calm, night. He looked very handsome in the dim lighting outside. The curls looping over his profile drove me mad and I flirted with them before helplessly trailing my fingers down his sharp jaw. He looked at me bright eyed and amused with my amusement of him. Whenever I thought of men I found attractive they never looked like Henry yet with him sitting in front of me, I couldn't help but find him the most attractive man in the world.

"Yes," I said.

A slow, shrewd smile elongated his lips. "I don't really have an interesting one to tell."

My shoulders sagged knowing his stalling was an attempt to tease me and keep me eager. "Bull ish all the way."

He grinned as he admired the night again. "I was a normal kid. For the most part. I think the biggest impact in my life is when my parents divorced, but I was always referred to as the glue that kept it all together, cause apparently I'm a little positive bundle of joy."

I felt ignorant because this was a side of Henry I'd wondered about but hadn't really known what to expect.

When I said nothing still processing what he'd told me, he looked my way and smiled. Suddenly, he tickled my sides which he'd been holding in his hands. I giggled and my hand flew up to conceal my mouth, my reaction Henry's delight.

"Stop this instant. I don't giggle."

"I heard a giggle," he teased as he held my sides, pulling me closer.

"I so got it though," I said as I played with the buttons on his shirt. "You hold your emotions inside."

"What drives you to that conclusion?" he tilted his head inquiringly. I nearly pounced on his neck to start kissing it all over.

"I've never seen you pissed at anything," I said discerningly.

"I take the occasional piss into the loo," he said with a silly, boyish grin.

"Comedian of the year," I said dryly with an unenthusiastic clap that made him flash his teeth as he laughed.

"You don't know me that well either, then. I do get upset, but you are right, I just don't show it."

"Why not?"

He shrugged. "I guess I'm just built that way. It takes a lot to put me down. I feel if you let someone make you angry, you are giving them control."

For some reason I thought about how I'd often go off the handle whenever my father made me angry. For all his genius ways, Dad was known for his erratic behavior and fiery personality. I was like him just a tiny bit in that way. I wonder what he would do if I stayed calm as he went off on me. His head would probably explode.

As wise and 'common sense' as Henry's words were, they werent common for me to hear. They made an impression on me because most of the advice I usually got from home was technical. My mother was a bit softer than my father, but like him, excelling in academics and career was always the main goal.

They did teach me business etiquette, and how to watch your competition as much as you watched your coworkers, but that was about it. Advice about friends was not to put too much time and faith into it because that didn't give you security in the end. Financial independence was the pinnacle of success in the Jones' family.

In his few sentences I'd learned a lot from Henry, but I didn't want to show him how far I was taking his words and running with them. No sense scaring the guy off especially after cryptically imparting that he should be worried about me.

"When I saw how much my positive attitude helped my mother during the divorce, I've always just been that way," Henry surprised me when he continued. He was staring at his bottle reminiscently.
 
"You don't ever get sad?"

Henry's green eyes lifted to me questionably and I damned Negative Nancy for making an appearance. His covert smile as he refocused on his beer made me wonder if he was in line of my thinking how pessimistic I was.

"Oh, I'm awful." I lowered my gaze as I retreated back into my negative world. "Always thinking everyone has to have a deep dark secret or some chip on their shoulder."

"My deepest, darkest secret is I had an affair with a married woman when I was younger, and I still regret it to this day."

When I lifted my surprised gaze, it was to find Henry gazing at me unwaveringly, a seriousness on his face that I normally didn't see. Well, I take that back. The last time I saw it, he was telling me to give him my lips at Margaret's. 

"You did what?" I asked in disbelief when I finally found my voice. Such a thing couldn't compute as I looked at Mr. Nice Guy.

"I was young and foolish. I had the reputation of a charmer and it kind of got to my head. Every woman was a challenge that I wanted to get into. The richer I became, the lesser the challenge. Women just flocked. But finally, there was one who didn't flock, and I felt I had to get her, moreso to prove something to myself than to just have her. My ego got in the way.  It was fun for a while until I finally started to come to my senses not to mess with a married woman, but by then, I'd really began to fancy her and eventually fell in love with her as a person. It was a mess. Their…fifteen year marriage ended because of me."

Dumbfounded, I watched Henry focus on smoothing his thumb against the beer label, his eyebrows knotted. He clearly was lost in a maze and it seemed it would take a lot to get him out.

"Then like a selfish bastard I finally realized kids were involved," he continued. "And I thought of my own parents and their divorce, and what a huge cross that was to bear for me when I was younger. I was so young and foolish. I've even been called cold hearted and--" he cut himself of, his angry expression dissipating when he lifted his gaze to mine. He pursed his lips in regret, then smiled sadly, lowering his eyes.

"What?" I asked.

"You can run along now."

"Why?"

His head rested on the back of the chair as he regarded me knowingly. "Don't lie. I committed the ultimate sin. I broke a family. Why would you want to be around someone like that?"

That was a very good question. Why would I?

For all the ways I felt my father, I respected the fact that he'd never cheated on my mother. Either he was too obsessed with work or he really did love us deep down inside. My closest experience to divorce was watching what Ella's family went through.

Knowing so far what a sweet person Henry was, it didn't compute that he'd break a marriage. For a long time I didn't know what to say or do. I didn't know how to feel or what to do with the information.

What I did like was that he was honest and very forthcoming about a situation he didn’t have to be. Especially since it had happened so long ago.

"But she was also a part of it. She's an adult too," I finally said to Henry's surprise.

"You were young and a immature. We make mistakes. And you recognize your mistake, which is good."

Henry's stunned eyes turned introspective as he elaborated.

"I still feel bad about it though at times, and I guess that's my karma. That's why I hate when people keep saying I'm such a good sweet guy. I'm not."

We were both playing a very risky game. How were we supposed to know that each of us wouldn't go around town tattling what we'd just told one another?

I surmised that maybe because I'd entrusted something to him that was a very sensitive issue, he felt that I trusted him and maybe that made him think he could do the same. At least I hoped that's what this was.

"And please don't say I am, I know what I am," he continued haltingly.

"You were an asshole, but that's just a small part of you, not all of you. You're a good person, come on. Try embracing that just a little bit. Plus, you have dimples, you can't go wrong with that."

That made him dimple into a smile.

"Some criminals have dimples," he reasoned as he looked up at me. I helplessly kissed his indented cheek.

"Well then that’s their only saving grace," I sat back and looked down at him. "How old were you Henry, when this happened?"

"Twenty years old."

"How old was she?"

"Thirty-five."

"Eww!!"

"She's beautiful." He defended, trying to look offended only the persistent smile on his face marred that attempt.

"It's been seven years? Let it go."

His eyes marveled over me and the brief frustration I'd seen in his eyes was no longer there. Snaking my arms around his waist, I rested my chin on his chest, peering at him. "I'll still be your friend."

He brushed some strands away from my forehead. "Does it not bother you? Even a little bit? I'll like you  more if you tell me the truth."

"It's shocked me for sure. I do feel just a tiny bit woosy."

He smiled admiringly. "Thank you for your honesty."

I broke my eyes from his admiring gaze and rest my profile on his chest, enjoying the feeling as he started massaging my scalp with the digits of his fingers.

"Have you ever broken anyone's heart?" he asked me suddenly and I searched my mind till I found something.

"Yep. There was a time especially when the weight was lost, this guy oh he was just the epitome of perfect. Almost more perfect than you," I heckled.

"Really." he drawled amusedly and it was the sexiest sound. I squirmed.

"He was everything. Hard working, kind, a gentleman, but he  just wasn’t exactly my type physically. My stupid ass said no to him for that stupid reason. He now has a huge stake in Facebook and one of the prettiest models on his arm. Do you know how dumb I feel every time I look at my bank account?"

He was laughing quietly. "You are rather entertaining, I have to say."

"Listen, yes, getting with a woman knowing she was married was wrong, you were a young hot head who felt he had the world in his palm and let's be real, you felt you had to live up to a certain expectation." His eyes brightened with intrigue the more I talked. His teeth trapped his bottom lip and he listened intently. "There was pressure to be 'the man'. It's all fun and games when you're sleeping with the MILF until the divorce papers come, but that marriage was going to break. If it was important, she wouldn’t have given you the time of day. Think about it, if you're married to the person of your dreams, the person who you can fuck on the very same couch you watch sports on. Then one day, all of a sudden a youngin with a tiny waist, big boobs and long lashes comes your way, what would you do? Oh don’t forget your soul mate's body is sagging now and a bit frumpy. And they're also suffering hair loss. What would you do?"

"You're the worst." He was smiling even as he said that.

"You may be tempted but, you remind yourself who you're going home to, so you won't cheat. If you love someone enough, you won't cheat. And if you become weak for a moment and do cheat, if you love someone enough, you forgive even when they make a mistake. No matter how selfish. It doesn't mean you get back with them, but you forgive."

"You know, they got back together a year ago." His voice was a bit lighter and more hopeful. "I thought it would hurt but I couldn't be happier for them."

"See?!"

"I just worry about the kids. She assured me that it was better when they divorced because the kids saw them fight less but, it still saddens me that they went through that cause of me."

I frowned, not really knowing what to say about that. "How are the kids now?"

"They seem to be doing perfectly fine."

"You have to forgive yourself Henry. How can you move on if you don't?"

He pondered for a while, then a slow, pure smile of appreciation settled on his lips. I couldn't remember the last time a guy looked at me like this, where the look wasn't one filled with disgust, or just pure lust. His eyes were grateful, like that one would give their good friend. I liked the feeling his eyes were giving me.

"I don't know about you but I felt irony passing through. Bloody hell! I think I just came up with a nice opening line to a song. " He suddenly tilted his body to get his phone. "I'm sorry about this. This is basically how I work."

At first I was confused, but finally realized by irony passing through, he was referring to me saying he needed to move on. Clearly that was something I needed to do. What was uppermost in my mind now was watching how frantically he tapped onto his phone, his eyes dancing like a kid that just left a candy store.

"What's happening right now is fucking amazing." I said laughingly.

"You know what? I have an idea," he said smilingly while still going through his phone.

"What?"

"I want to show you The Tavern. But it's all the way on the other side of town, so it would take us at least an hour to get there. But trust me, it would be worth your while. What do you say?"

That inner spark that always lay dormant in him came out and by now it no longer surprised me as much as before. Henry was a party animal underneath a well-mannered mirage. A part of me wondered if he was truly just a bad boy cloaked by the sweetest most benevolent smile.

I already knew that I couldn't keep up with him but now I was wondering about the enormity of all this.

"You're out of your loving mind that's what I say. Henry, it's a Thursday. I have to be at work by at least 8."

"It's only eight o'clock right now. We get there around 9:30, stay for an hour, and I'll have you back by 12. Promise."

I was already on the chopping block at work. If I showed up late tomorrow, how was I going to redeem myself? I hadn't heard back from any employers yet, though I knew Earldet in my resume would help me. I couldn't act out until I knew I had job security elsewhere.

Nonetheless, after Henry and I had just bonded I did want to be around him a bit more. I knew going with him would be irresponsible but all the restlessness and excitement bustling wouldn't let me be rational.

Part of my restlessness came from my docile years, when I should have gotten partying and irresponsibility out of my system. I also selfishly wanted more kisses with his expert lips. Additionally, way he touched me in the kitchen still had me walking on cloud nine. Even sitting on him now, being next to him was almost too much to bare. I recalled Ella telling me how she used to sneak out in high school to her boyfriend's house. I'd always envied not being able to do those things, not just because I came from a strict household, but there were never any guys to experience that with.

Also, when was the next time I was going to do something like this?

"Please," Henry urged softly. "I leave tomorrow, and I want us to have a bit more fun. But if it's too much, I understand. I don't want to be too pushy…"

"Let's go," I said quickly.

Henry's brow furrowed. "Are you sure? Maybe I shouldn't have brought it up. You know what, it might be a bad idea. We can go another time, I'm sorry."

"Don't make me change my mind." I ignored the forlorn look overcoming his face. Clearly he didn't like pressuring others to be uncomfortable or do what he wanted. "Could you give me a different shirt? This one is still a bit wet."

When he saw that I was in it and wanted to give it a try, Henry leaned forward and kissed me. "That's my girl."

His words made my face beet red and I stood up. I knew he didn't mean I was technically his but that didn't mean his words didn't hit me to my gut.

I decided to take them with a grain of salt, not wanting to make a fool out of myself.

This was all for fun, after all.