Chapter Four – Resistance

The word was like thunder, and it kept echoing in the foundations of my mind. And along with that palpable voice was the tormenting vision of that life –altering night. The night of my first sexual escapade, in which I underwent a metamorphosis from a pure virginal young girl, innocent of the undaunted cruelties of the world, to an exploited vessel. Devalued and used. That night resulted in such a horrid experience that the idea of sex, nay the act itself no longer held the deep fascination that had kept me up many a nights. I had fantasies before about what my first time would have been like. In some honeymoon suite in some romantic country like Italy or France, with flowers decorating the bed. I fantasized a sweet, slow but passion embrace of two lovers made sweater still by knowing that the act was the culmination of that love. But alas, no….not even in my wildest dream. And now the first sexual experience of my life was bond to pain. Linked to the humiliating emotions I had suffered as I was manhandled in submission. His body, a pillar of immovable strength. And my weak body, yielding to the accurate stereotype of my sex. It was not something I wished to think much of, and I had done so well not to dwell too much on such matters during the daylights hours. Yet that serenity had been stripped away. After Hermes' message, I now could think of nothing but HIM and I could not concentrate on the present.

"Ely!!"

A shout penetrate the command echoing in my ears, and as I pushed the voice away and willed the images to disperse. I found myself surrounded by a crowd of people. It was as if I had created a bubble around myself. A universe in which that man and I were the only results. And that sexual dalliance was the center axis of said universe, the beginning, the end, and the middle. The Big Bang as it were. And that shout, it was a piercing needle, and pop goes the bubbled universe. So I was quickly introduced to tumultuous sounds and a hand in front of my faces snapping away. I drew back, leaning back in my chair as I gave myself time to recapture my equilibrium. To remember where I was.

"I am sorry" A voice grained in ice snapped, "Am I boring you?"

The hand disappeared and my eyes met the furious face of one Delia Dermont my best friend forever who really looked like she was seriously thinking of dismantling the forever part of that definition. I had decided to meet Delia on a little café a block away from school. It was a meeting days in the making, one I chose to attend regardless of Hermes’ shocking re-appearance. Regardless of the emotional turmoil caused by the invitation he had been sent to give. The gifts tucked away at the back of my closer, I hadn’t even opened them yet. That invitation was like a bucket of ice cold water being flung on my naked body waking me up from a dream.

Supper!!!

How could I even think of having a meal with the man who had stolen my virginity? Leaving me an unclean, impure soul in desperate need of salvation. May the Lord God, forgive me my sins. It was completely absurd, totally unthinkable, and utterly impossible. My face scrunched up in disgust at the thought of having dinner with HIM. I couldn't honestly even entertain the thought; it made me queasy and more than a little ill.

"Hey" Fingers snapped in my facial space once more, "What the hell?"

"Sorry" I said as soon as I blinked myself to awareness once. I tried to instill as much of my sincerity I could muster in the sound of my voice but all I was thinking was the farce that was my life.

"Did you even hear anything I said?" She asked her voice cold and her fire-bred eyes glaring at me in disapproval. The imploring sound of my voice apparently had no enchanting properties, she still seemed quite furious. Obviously I would have to grovel some more before I could even entertain the thought of being forgiven. For Delia, one’s inability to give her undivided attention was as grave as a sin. This was her world, she was queen bee, and everyone had better know and accept it.

"Of course I did" I said quickly, assuredly…if only I could remember what she was talking about. She raised her eyebrows at me, then crossed her arms across her chest and waited. She wanted a repeat of the conversation she had apparently been having one-sidedly with me while I was busy in the cluttered zone of my mind.

"You said something about…um, bludgeoning…someone…" I stammer as my mind tried to filter the cracked words that had penetrated my dazed state and muddled thoughts, "to death with a baseball bat"

"The chemistry TA" She said in an agreeable voice, her lips lifting up in disgust for a moment as if remembering a nasty encounter, and then she narrowed her eyes at me, "What happened? Where did you go?" She asked the demand for answers was obvious in her voice.

Where did I go? Well that was one loaded question if there ever was one. Had I had gone to the moon and back to earth, the answer would be oh so simple. Had I decided to run away to join a circus and become a clown, the answer would have made more sense. No doubt the explanation would have been more sane and sound. How could I answer? What could I say? That a man who had stripped me of my virginity, brutally and without any mercy whatsoever now wanted to have supper with me and that said man had paid me a boatload of money to pay for my brother's medical bill in exchange for sexual interludes. That I feared the interludes were far from over. That I was absolutely terrified for I feared that it was not so for him though I had hoped and wished so much to be wrong.

Foolish little girl with your foolish little wishes, a voice inside me sneered in disgust, with the amount of money he deposited in your account and you think one night would be enough. Oh yes, a part of me, small and hidden away in the far corner of my being, had expected the encounter I had with HIM to be far from over. Admittedly I had hoped for the best, grasping at an optimistic outlook, forcing my mind to denounce any and all pessimistic views. My future had seemly given so surely bright an impression.

"Ely" Delia whispered my name, calling me out of my reverie with a gentle voice so unlike her previous attempts to draw me back to the land of the living. One look at her face, and I felt a stab of guilt. She no longer glared, every inch of her face blanketed by worry.

"Are you okay?" She asked in her little girl lost voice, a voice that I didn’t get to hear often.

"I’m fine" I said, attempting a smile. It was a difficult feat when all I wanted to do was confess my sin and hope not for condemnation but forgiveness. When all I wanted to do was cry.

"You're not" She stated just as quickly, looking at me with a speculative gaze. This had been big mistake; I shouldn't have decided to have lunch with Delia. Not so soon after Hermes dropped his bombshell, not when my mind was wandering in dark grievous places and not when my emotions where rippling all over the place. I don't even know why I came; I should have rescheduled and given myself sometime to breath. Delia knew me. We had been friends for years, since high school. She would know that something was wrong. No, she couldn’t, I couldn’t let her find out.

"I have to go" I said, standing up unable to deal with her beseeching gaze any longer.

"Ely" She said, a look of hurt flashing across her face at my sudden movement. She watched as I gathered my things, not stopping, a glazed look coming upon her features. Now she was the one who was treating into her mind.

"I have a class in ten minutes." I said as a way of explanation, I hated that I was the subject of her concern and that I might have caused her pain in some form, "I am okay, really...it’s just regular stuff."

Giving her a small smile goodbye I turned and tried to manage making my way across the cafe. It seemed as though every college student had decided to come hang out. It was really crowded, I realized just as I made it to the door. I turned and saw Delia still staring at the seat I had just de-occupied, no doubt wondering what the hell just happened. Then in just seconds, she was no longer alone. A guy, white, average weight and height donning glassed arrived and was obviously, very much hitting on her. Delia had a kind of beauty that was utterly classical in every sense of the word. A pale, peaches and cream skin that was utterly flawless. Long dark raven hair that flowed down her shoulders in a classic wave, and she had big hazel eyes that turned to captivating colors in every light. She was also the type who would never be alone for long. I knew, just knew that someone would approach her. Distract her from whatever thoughts she was potentially having about me. I watched as Delia gave a charming smile waving to the seat I just left, the guy sat and the two started to talk. I reluctantly gave myself a mental clap on the back…mission accomplished? Still a part of me was sad; feeling betrayed by how easy it had been for her to forget about me. No, I thought to myself this was all for the best. I wanted to tell her. She was my best friend; I want to tell her everything and so much more. I wish I was brave enough to.

I made my way to the campus, all the way to the top floor for my journalism course. Professor Carringlan was an ex-journalist, with a PHD in Social Economics. A middle-aged white woman with a very lovely personage and thick urban hair. She was engaging, knowledgeable and her class was one of my favorites yet I could not pay attention to anything she was drabbling about. I wanted the class to be over and down, and I took my notes without really understanding what in the world she was talking about. And as soon as the class was over, I raced to my dorm-room. I dived into the closet as soon as I entered and grabbed on to the box Hermes had delivered.

I was restless

I couldn’t stop moving, back and forth I paced in the small space allocated between Elena’s bed and my own. I was morbidly anxious, image me biting my nails in frustration, imagine me wringing my head in despair. I was out of my depth, anxious and completely restless. I stopped for a second, turning to glare at my bed.

Laying there in all its glory was a gown, and below on the floor a pair of high heeled shoes. The gown was a short, pink silky formal wear that stopped just above the knees. Spaghetti straps, pink satin and silk to the touch. Smooth on the chest area then hunched into rippling waves all the way to the helm. The gown was very tasteful designed, beautifully crafted and no doubt would look astonishing on my shapely body. The shoes were a pair of Manolo Blahnik heels. White with a pink beaded rose tattooed on the surface. It was temptation in all its splendid form. I wanted very much to try everything on, see how it would look but I dared not even think it. And to think, I used to love pink as a child. One gift from the devil personified and all my childhood memories are now a bit tainted.

"Supper" I whispered to myself looking at the dress and shoes I was, no doubt, supposed to wear. The implication of me wearing that beautiful, alluring gown, one that looked too much like something a famous person would wear and no doubt a dress I could never afford in this lifetime or any other I might have was too much to bear.

Supper my ass, I thought to myself as I came to a decision. It was so simple; I could not believe it took me this long to realize the basic truth. I did not have to go. I would not go. It was a strong willed choice that even my inner voice could not argue with. I returned the dress back into the box, and grabbing the shoes decides to discard the items in my closet. I was glad, and proud of myself for remembering that I had a choice in the matter, that even though I owed this man money, a lot of money, money that would take me months to pay back and even though I had agreed to perform whatever act he wished…I could simply refuse, resist.

Yes, that small voice came back to bite and dripping with a belittling snide, because this is the kind of man you can say no to because saying no has worked well for you before.

"Please...no...Stop"

The whimpering voice rang in my head, my weak and pleading voice before I had my hymen ripped apart and experienced a pain like no other. I couldn't stay in this room, with only my macabre thoughts or my unpleasant memories for company. I grabbed my cell from the top of my bed but stilled my hand. The one person I wanted to hang out was in all probability mad at me. Delia was not known to be the pleasant sort when she was feeling snubbed. On the off chance, that she was not at all angry, there was also the probability that she would be expecting an explanation. One I was not yet willing to offer so instead I dialed the next best thing.

"Hello," The tired voice of Kathy Palmer.

"Do you want to go clubbing" I asked skipping the customary greeting on my part. There was a momentary silence of the other end. And I knew why since we met, she had been the recipient of my latent dismissal of clubs, drinking and anything that the good Lord would no doubt view as the devils temptations. My grandmother's scripture-inspired lectures had long since taken foot in the center of my spirit. It used to take some arm twisting and threats provided by the very fearsome Bestie who seemed to think it was her mission nay her duty to tempt and influence my frigid good girl image. Put I was no longer a good girl.

"What" Kathy asked, her voice raising an octave, "Tonight?"

"Yep" I said, a frown slipping on my face. Good save, not dialing Delia, do doubt this request would have raised sirens and then I would be in trouble.

"I can't" She said with a hearty sigh, "I have an exam tomorrow"

"Oh" Was all I said. She of course was the just the first call on my list, and every call ended in the same way. There was an obstacle of some kind, some had had, others had to study, last minute assignment due to procrastination, or an essay to rewrite, or an exam that one needed to cram. Every call ended the same way, with me completely and utterly dateless. It was as though the universe had chosen to pick sides and it was not in any way mine. I decided then after the trying and exhausting endeavor of looking for a distraction that I would go hide...study at the library, instead of staying in my room and arguing with my mind. That was the first sign of insanity after all. So the library it was, I took a short cold shower, a few sweats donned moment later and I began my stroll to the library. The time was about 7:30, and winter's chilling air was just at the beginning stage. I had nothing to me by my phone, iPod and kiss. The library's stayed open well until midnight on weekdays and I was determined to stay hidden...studying until such a time I would need not to be.

"Ms. Jenkins"

Yes, the universe was definitely conspiring against me. I was pulled out of my deep thoughts, and I found myself in a familiar scene. Hermes was standing front of me once again. This was getting absolutely ridicules, just about passiing the realm of the absurd. His presence pushed any incredible, preposterous supposition in the back of my mind.

"How long have you been here?" I asked. Good Lord the man couldn't have been here all day had he? Why? Waiting for me? What a daunting thought.

"A long time" Came the calm answer.

"Why" I asked, although I had a good guess.

"I am to escort you to master Liam for your evening meal" He said as though it was the obvious answer to my inquiry. Obviously.

Of course he was, I thought bitterly. So much for the plan to hide away or the dusty corner of the library until the end of my days.

"Right" I said then took a deep breath not willing to go down without a fight, "About that, I ...don't think I will be able to make it to dinner, I mean I have a lot of things to do, a plate full of things that needed to get down, like exams, assignments, essays that I need to write, so I don't think. I doubt that I have time for silly little things like food and stuff, you understand don't you"

I took a deep breath, silence descending upon us like willowed feathers. I chanced a glance at this older, completely harmless looing man and I was surprised to find his face as unreadable as before. There was no reaction to decipher, his face as expressionless as before. No raised eyebrows at my hurried, longwinded state. No flabbergasted cracks on his facade. He was still like a stone walls, a statue was immobility without quite frankly unnerving.

"You understand don't you?" I asked again convinced that he was not going to say another word.

"Yes," He said, his answer surprised me for sure. And I had a meeting hope that perhaps I could escape my fate. "I understand perfectly, just as I am sure you understand just how beneficial it would be to your brother should you come with me."

Well well well and there it was in crystal clear clarity. The checkmate, the winning card. It surprised me quite honestly that he hadn't started this conversation by mentioning my brother. I suppose he had believed that it really did not need saying. It left me more than a little perturbed, unable to see a light at the end of this dark tunnel that had suddenly become my life.