Riley sat on her sofa, one arm folded over the back, pinned beneath her chin, the other hand scribbling random words and phrases in the condensation collecting on her window.  A light drizzle, the remnants of a passing cold front, continued to fall on the city below.  She pressed her hand to the thin pane of glass and felt the chill.  The temperature was forecasted to drop below freezing by midnight.  The first freeze of winter.  While others dreaded the arctic blast and the damage and delays it might cause, she looked forward to it.  It marked the end of one season, and the beginning of another.  And that was something she welcomed. 

On the way home from work she’d stopped at the market to pick-up instant cocoa and marshmallows.  Though silly, she waited for a climatic excuse to indulging in such things.  With fortification against the cold to come, she returned to the confines of her apartment and settled in for the evening.  It was warm inside her those walls—full of amber light and soft sounds.  But she wanted to be out there in biting, unforgiving air, where the cold could numb her to all feeling and preserve those last minutes of peace.

            The screech of the buzzer sounded, arresting her thoughts.  Her finger stilled on the glass and she waited, hoping that perhaps it was a mistake.  But the sound came again.  He was early—about thirty minutes early—and she had yet to prepare for the news he would bring.  Left with little choice but to confront the truth, she pushed herself off the sofa and ambled toward the door, a flurry of heartbeats occupying the seconds between each step.  The cold from the floor crept up her bare feet and chilled her entire body.  With shivers transforming into fretful tremors, she lifted her hand to the intercom, took a deep breath, and then depressed the speaker’s button.

            “Corey?”

            “...No...It’s Mitch.”

            Repelled by the voice and its owner, her finger left the intercom as if it burned and she pushed away from the wall.  She stood staring, waiting for the buzzer to sound again as she knew it would.  Mitch was nothing if not persistent—a trait she once relished and envied.  But now, in wake of all she’d lost and stood to lose, it terrified her. 

The shriek of the buzzer blared again. Though she’d anticipated it, the nerve-grating noise gave her a start when it tore through the speaker.  Heart pounding, she moved slowly back toward it and pressed the button, but was unable to form coherent thoughts or words.

            “Riley, I need to come up.  We need to talk.”

            “Mitch...”  Saying his name did the same thing as hearing it.  It enlivened what was supposed to be dead and buried, or at least dormant; which was why she couldn’t let him in.  “I...I don’t think that’s a good idea.  Corey will be home from his appointment soon.”

            “Ri, it’s important...It’s...Just let me come up and I’ll explain.”

            Head and body braced against the wall, thumb still depressing the button, she anguished over his request.  Neither of them could afford for Corey to find him there, but her heart wouldn’t deny him after hearing the urgency in his voice.  So without a word, she granted him admittance, unlocked her door, and left it cracked for him like she’d done in simpler times. 

            Riley paced away to the center of the room, breathing through the anxiety that fed the racing of her heart and the trembling of her hands.  There were things she’d told herself she must face that day.  A visit from Mitch was not one of them.  It would only add to the emotional burden she’d be expected to carry—one she wasn’t sure she could.  But when Mitch pushed the door open and her eyes met his, the world slowed to a normal pace and all misgivings were subjugated to other emotions.

            He’d always had the ability to affect her in that way—to silence the mayhem as if it ceased to exist.  There wasn’t a missed deadline, friend’s betrayal, or glaring failure he couldn’t make right with his crocked smile.   If only he could repair the failure that was them. 

In surrendering to the invisible but palpable forces that drew them together, they’d failed Corey and each other.  The compulsion ate away at their self-control, making a loss of integrity seem a small price to pay, until neither was willing to resist.    And staring into his luminescent blue eyes, she felt in danger of them repeating their mistakes.

            Mitch stepped across the threshold into her private space and inhaled its scent—gardenia and something sweet and warm he could never quite identify.  It took him right back to the way things had been in the not so distant past.  He raked fingers through his shoulder length brown hair—a nervous habit of his that she would instantly recognize.  His jaw cemented with tension and the memory how easy it was to be with someone who knew him so well.  She’d been the only woman he allowed so deep into his world.  And seeing what it netted him, she would be the last. 

            Mitch moved toward her, not sure how to say what brought him there rather all the things that would make having her back possible.  Her innocent eyes and the way the fabric of her gray cotton dress molded to her voluptuous frame distracted him.  The cut and weight of the thin material left more than enough of her smooth, toned thighs visible to remind him of the many times they’d been wrapped around his waist, her wild curls fanned out on the pillow beneath her.  The sight them and the memories they ignited made him long for days passed.

            “You said we need to talk...that there was something important we need to discuss.”

            Her words and the anxiety that sprang across her face put a halt to his measured steps.  When had she come to fear him?  Or perhaps it was the feelings seeing him sparked that caused her body to tense and her eyes to leave off searching his.  God he hoped it was those feelings...the same ones he still felt for her.

            “We do.  But I think you should sit first,” he motioned toward the couch.

            Riley’s heart sank to the depths of devastation.  “It’s about Corey.  He got the result back.  He sent you to tell me—”

            “Yes, Ri.  It’s about Corey.  But not the results.  Just...”  He sighed in frustration.  “Please...just have a seat.”

            She did as he asked, taking a spot on one end of the small sofa, and him on the other.  They’d made love on that couch just three months ago—two weeks before the last time he’d seen her as his.  She’d climbed atop his lap and rolled her naked body against his until he whispered and moaned her name and I love yous like an unembellished love song.

            Overcome with need and that memory, he leaned forward, rested his elbows on his thighs, and stared away from her.  After a long moment of uncomfortable silence filled with her speculation and his unease, he turned to her. 

            “Corey is going to ask you to marry him.”

            Riley flipped her attention to him.  “What?”

            “He came to me...showed me the ring...said he was going to ask you—”  Mitch almost choked on the eviscerating words.  Gradually, the muscles of his throat relax and he continued slowly and deliberately.  “He said he’s going to ask you to be his wife.”

            She rose from the sofa, blinded by shock and confusion, and ambled to the middle of the floor.  His eyes followed, tracing her movements and seeking to divine what emotions drove her reaction. 

“When?”  Riley asked breathlessly.

            “Last night.  He came by—”

            “No, when will he propose?”

            “I don’t know.  Soon.”

            “Oh my God...”  She brought her hands to mouth, and then shifted them to grip fistfuls of her own hair.  “He’s going to ask at his party on Sunday.”

            Mitch stood and paced to where she idled with her back to him, drawing close enough to catch the lovely scent of her coconut oil infused hair.  The aroma triggered some many memories, most intimate, all moments his missed.  Somehow, he repressed the urge to touch her and make more.  “Ri, you have to say no.”

            She whirled around to face him.  “What!”

            Admittedly, the idea of saying yes was what knotted her gut and caused her heart to flutter with fear.  But saying no wouldn’t provide her comfort.  In fact, it would only intensify the guilt she felt knowing how much of herself she’d given to Mitch—so much that all that was left for Corey was hollowness and pretense disguised as love by fleeting moments of lukewarm affection.

            It was never either of their intention to become so much of what the other wanted and needed, and at Corey’s expense.  It was their love for Corey that had brought them into one another’s orbit. 

Riley and Corey had been coworkers and friends for nearly a year before he’d worked up the nerve to ask her out.  He’d always envisioned her dating some brown-skinned professional ball player with more good looks and money than any man deserved.  But when she’d commented on how cute she thought the security guard that covered their floor was—a man half his height and twice his size with pasty white skin—Corey decided to take the gamble and ask her out on a date.  Though she hadn’t leapt into his arms and professed some secret love for him, she had said yes.  That’s all he needed—a chance.

They’d been dating just five weeks when the fatigue he’d been experiencing for months left him too exhausted to finish a full day at work, and bruising marred his once sun-kissed complex.  At hers and his parents’ urging, he’d gone to the doctor.  And only a week later, he was diagnosed with leukemia. 

Dutiful and kind, Riley stood by his side through the chemotherapy that caused his flaxen locks to fall out in clumps and kept him curl in the fetal position as the sloughing of the lining of his digestive system caused him constant pain, vomiting, and diarrhea.  And she was there when the doctors had given him three to four months to live, most of which they’d anticipated he would spend in the hospital.  

After receiving the news, Mitch left his life in Toronto and rushed home to be with his baby brother.  Riley kept a constant vigil, and was even more of a fixture in Corey’s hospital room than his parents, even as he slipped into unconsciousness.  It was there at that desolate, sorrowful place Corey had come to that Riley met Mitch.  And it was there, at Corey’s bedside, that Mitch and Riley found relief from the constant weight of grief in one another.

It started innocently enough, with brief walks together to the cafeteria for coffee that became long walks to the café around the corner for tea and a sandwich.  Their conversations gradually turned from talk of Corey and his terminal illness, to one another.  There was a warmth about Riley that melted Mitch’s walls and granted her access to the things that drove him to leave home and made him question if he would be able to do it again.  And in Mitch, Riley found a passionate protector that allowed her to feel at ease.  It was why she was able to invite him into her home, and eventually her heart. 

An emotional line was crossed long before the physical; nevertheless, once traversed, neither had the desire to go back.  The goal had never been to hurt Corey, or what was left of him.  According to the doctors, there was nothing to hope for.  Nothing to salvage.  Respirators and parenteral nutrition kept his body alive and only prolonged the inevitable.  But the doctors had been wrong.  Because one afternoon, while Riley lay in Mitch’s arms, a call came with news of a miracle.  Corey had awoken.  And though weak, he was in complete remission.

That day was the last time Mitch and Riley shared an intimate moment.  All others consisted of awkward avoidance while supporting Corey in his recovery.  Guilt gnawed at both of them, but wasn’t nearly as ravenous as the longing.  Nevertheless, they denied their hearts to spare his.  And now that his symptoms had returned, signaling that the disease had as well, she couldn’t break his heart with a refusal of his proposal in what would be his final days.

“I can’t, Mitch...I can’t say no”

“Ri, please tell me you’re not seriously considering accepting.” 

“...I have to.”

“No,”  He barked before taking a moment to collect himself and correct his tone.  “You can’t say yes, Ri.  You can’t marry him.”

“He’s sick.  He might not—”

“It doesn’t matter.  You don’t say yes to a man’s proposal out of pity.”

“It’s not pity...I care for him.”  The wavering of her voice and the shrinking of her frame said what they both knew.

“Love, Ri.  That’s what you’re supposed to feel when you commit to marry someone.  You don’t love him.”

“I don’t have to love him,” she countered in frustration.  “People marry people they don’t love all the time.”

“Not when they have a choice...and not when they love someone else.”

His words and the conviction with which he spoke them silenced her confused, defensive ramblings.  She met his unrelenting gaze, ready to listen to his reason.

“You can’t marry my brother because you think he might die.  He deserves better than that.  And so do you.”

She shook her head.  “He doesn’t want better, Mitch.  He wants me.”

“He wants a woman that he thinks loves him and wants to spend the rest of her life with him.  That’s not you.”

            Overwhelmed by his words and her own emotions, she turned to walk away.  But her retreat was ended when he grabbed hold of her arms and pulled her into his tensed frame.  She struggled out of obligation.  She had no desire to be free of him.  Soon enough, she gave up the fight.

            Hands grasping her arms, he forced her to face him and hear him.  “You can’t make his last days a lie.  He deserves to know the truth.”

            “Do you have any idea what my refusing his proposal will do to him?”

            “Yes, I do.  But he’s not the only person affected by this.  I’m concerned about what accepting it will do to you.”

            “And you too?”  She accused.

            Tension molded his features to severity.  “I have no qualms about admitting that I want you...that I love you.”

            The physical struggle against his hold was a symptom of the emotional battle she fought against the feelings that swelled in her hearts at his admission.  But he refused to let her go, and only held her tighter.

            “I love you, Riley.  And you love me.”

            “Mitch, stop.”  She pushed against this chest.

            “Tell me, you don’t love me and I will.  Tell me that your guilt means more than our love, and I’ll walk away and let him have you.  Tell me the lie is worth living.”

            “Mitch, stop!”

            “Tell me!”  He wound an arm around her waist, fastening her body to his, and caressed her face.  “Ri...tell me.”

            Riveted by his steely gaze and his nearness, she met his gaze, but could not meet his challenged.

            “Riley...Tell me.”

“I...”  She blew out a breath of surrender.  “I can’t.”

            “Why?”  Overcome with relief and need, he closed his eyes and rested his head on hers.  “Tell me why, Riley.”

            “Because...”  She panted as the tears began their slow crawl down her face.  “I love you.”

            The painful clutch that losing her held on his heart eased as his drank in her words and the feel of her skin.  He held her, relishing the moment, not daring to speak and chance ending it.  But the sound of the buzzer ended their time before he could have his fill, if that were even possible. 

            Mitch stole a quick kiss, and then leaned away, her head still in his hands.  “You can’t accept his proposal.  Make up whatever excuse you need to.  But don’t say yes.”  The ringing of the buzzer sounded again and flustered him.  He groaned in agitation.  “Promise me.”

            “Mitch, it’s Corey.  You have to go.”

            “Promise me, Ri!”  He insisted through clenched teeth.
            “...I promise.”  She agreed in a whisper.

            He nodded, as if to confirm their plan, and then focused on what was truly important.  “I love you, Ri.”

            “I love you too,” she replied in a soft, pained voice.

            For the moment, it was enough.  Mitch released her face and let his hands slip down her neck onto her shoulders.  He enjoyed several more seconds of her before the buzzer sounded again.

            “Mitch...you have to leave.”  She grabbed his wrists, but couldn’t bring herself to end his touch.

            He nodded slowly.  Though he loathed leaving her, he somehow found a way to let go and walk out of the apartment and down the back stairs.

            When he was gone, Riley ambled to the intercom, hurriedly wiping the tears from her face.  She unlocked the building’s door without asking who’d come calling.  She already knew.  And her suspicion was confirmed when Corey walked through the door. 

A tentative smile adorned his face as he moved toward her.  He walked into her embrace and held her tight. 

“Are you okay, Corey?”

“Yeah, Babe.  I’m fine.”

“...What did the doctor’s say?”
            He leaned away from her and smiled weakly.  “My doc is out of town till Monday.  I won’t get the results till then.” 

“The nurse couldn’t tell you?”

“No, Babe.  She couldn’t.”

It wasn’t a good sign.  In fact, it couldn’t be worse.  When everything was going well, or as well as could be expected, the nurses would readily gave an “everything is fine” and then say the doctor would discuss the specifics.  Only when a treatment hadn’t worked or the prognosis was grim was Corey made to wait to talk to his physician.  Riley’s heart sank with the realization.  She inched away from him, afraid she might cry and upset him further.

“Hey,” he reached out and grabbed her hand.  “Where you going?”

“Nowhere.  I just...”

“You just what?”

She looked up into his big blue eyes.  They were the same shade as Mitch’s, but had dulled over the many months of treatment.  Even before that, she couldn’t see in them what she saw in Mitch’s.  Corey was a friend—someone she couldn’t abandon when he needed her most.  But she didn’t love him; she never would.  And a part of her wondered if Corey truly loved her.  She was confident he believed he did.  But that wasn’t enough to support a lifetime commitment.  Nothing short of what she shared with Mitch was enough.

“Riley?”  His voice drew her out of her brooding.

Her eyes refocused and her gazed met his again.  “Yes.”

“Why don’t you come and sit with me on the sofa.  You look a little...off balance.”

Though obviously unsettled by emotion, she waved away his concern.  “I’m fine.”

“Well, let’s go sit on the sofa anyway.”  He guided her toward it with a smile.  “There’s something I need to ask you.”

-----------------

Sunday

Mitch stood in the dining room of his parent’s house, sipping on a beer, wishing it was something stronger.  People milled about, attempting to engage him in conversation, only to find his eyes open, but his ears closed.  He was too wrapped up in anticipation to hear their words or offer his own.  Any minute his brother would walk through the door and Mitch would have to watch Corey pretend he hadn’t had his hopes dashed by the woman he’d convinced himself he loved.

Mitch was not without guilt for the part he played in the relationship’s end.  But it was the right thing to do.  Of that he was sure.  What he didn’t know, was what he would say when Corey came to him seeking comfort and advice.  Nor did Mitch know what he would say—when the time was right—to make Corey understand how much he loved Riley, that she felt the same, and that if Mitch and Riley were to ever be happy, they had to be together.  But that was a dilemma to be solved another day.  Today was Corey’s birthday, and Mitch would do everything he could to make sure it was a special one.

The doorbell rang as Mitch finished his second beer and reached for another.

“Places everyone,” his mother ordered in a sing-song voice, clapping her hands to call the room to attention.  “Places.”

“It’s not a surprise party,” Mitch groused.

“Hide anyway,” she snapped.  “For your brother.”

Mitch stood by the table and turned his beer up, choosing to stand in place like most of the guests rather than hide.  

Several seconds later, when his mother reentered the room and switched on the lights, and everyone yelled “surprised,” Mitch remained frozen.  Because hand-in-hand with his brother an anxious, but smiling Riley. 

The family and friends that had gathered to celebrate Corey’s birthday took turns giving him hugs and birthday well wishes.  He eased around the room greeting his guests, a timid looking Riley in tow. 

When Corey reached Mitch, he gave him a bear hug and several hardy blows to the back.  “She said yes,” he whispered with restrained enthusiasm. 

The beer fell from Mitch’s hand as his world fade to darkness and the breath left his body.  Unaware of the ruin he’d wreak with his declaration, Corey moved on, warmly saluting to his Uncle Oliver while Mitch searched for the will to breathe. 

Mitch’s body went numb as the words and their implications echoed in his head.  She’s said yes.  The knowledge wrung his heart hollow.  But when Riley moved past him, casting furtive glances his way, the emptiness his felt gave way to rage.

Mitch grabbed Riley’s arm, pulled her to him, and growled in her ear, “What have you done?”

Riley scanned to room searching for prying eyes, but found that all attention was focused on Corey.  She turned to face Mitch, effectively blocking others from seeing his fury or her fear.  “Mitch, it’s fine.  He’s sick.  He won’t live...” she paused, feeling guilt for even saying the words.  “We’ll let him have this moment of happiness. But I won’t marry him.  He and I will be together until his time comes to an end.  And then, you and I can be together.”

“Riley, he’s not sick.”

“What?”  Her wild eyes echoed the question.  “He told me he had to wait to speak to the doctor.  He doesn’t know anything for sure.  But we all know it means the news can’t be good.”

“The doctor gave him his results Wednesday.  He’s cancer free.  His symptoms were caused by a vitamin deficiency, not a return of the leukemia.”

“What?”  Her voice and body trembled with shock.

“He lied.”

“No, Mitch,” she shook her head.  “He wouldn’t do that.”

“He did.”

“Why?”  She implored.  “Why would he keep that from me?”

“So that you would feel sorry from him and say yes.”

She cupped her hand over her mouth to contain the cry that threatened to escape her throat, and continued shaking her head.  Voice crumbling beneath the strain of the truth, she whispered, “Mitch, why didn’t you tell me?” 

“Because...I wanted you to say no because you loved me more than you pitied him.”

“I wanna thank everyone for coming out to celebrate my birthday with me today,” Corey announced over the chattering crowd.  “But before we get this party underway, I’d like to make a special announcement,” he gave a coy grin, “or two.

“Riley?”

Heart rattling in her chest, she turned to Corey smiling and beckoning for her.  She moved toward him, several dozen eyes watching, oblivious to her anguish and how she felt as if she were seconds from surrendering her heart to a slow and painful death.  When she arrived at a beaming Corey’s side, he slipped his hand around her waist and addressed the crowd.

“You all have been a tremendous source of support during my recovery and recent setbacks.  But I’m happy to announce that I am in remission and the doctors have given me some gummie vitamins and a clean bill of health.”

The room erupted in applause and laughter.

Corey smiled down at Riley, ignorant of her panic and her pain.  “And that’s a good thing, because I plan to spend a long and happy life with this beautiful woman who has stood by me when most would not.  A woman that means the world to me.  And I plan on spending the rest of my long life proving it.  That’s why I asked her to marry me.”

Gasps filled the room and Corey’s dramatic moment of pause.

“And I’m very happy to say she said yes!”  He gleefully declared.

Throngs of well-wishers flanked the couple, offering jubilant congratulations and hugs.  Riley was passed from one person to the next, tears streaming down her face, her grief mistaken for joy.  But Mitch recognized her sorrow.  He watched her heartache as it worked to intensify his own, drowning out the anger that he felt at his brother for taking what Mitch wanted for himself, and at Riley for allowing it to happen.  And when it was his turn to offer his congratulations, he provided her consolation instead.

Wrapped in his arms, she finished falling apart.  “Mitch...I messed up,” she sobbed out, her lamentations cloaked in the other’s chatter.  “I’m so sorry.”

“I know, Ri.”

“I thought—”

“Shhh.  I know.”

“Mitch...what are we going to do?”

“I don’t know, Ri.”  His eyes trained on his brother’s smiling face.  “I don’t know.”