Early Saturday morning.

Kat:

I drive home in a state of shock. My vision blurry from tear filled eyes and my lips still tingling and swollen from an incredible make out session. I didn't really know how I felt. My emotions have been through a rollercoaster tonight. Mostly in an upward climb but shit that was a hell of a fall. All I keep thinking is," the fuck just happened?" I just presented this incredibly awesome, gorgeous guy the gift of my wonderful virginal pussy and he said "no?" Didn't guys like sacrifice themselves in middle eastern countries for that shit. Unless, he regretted everything and realized he didn't like me as much as I thought he did. Maybe, I was just good enough to fool around with but no way he would fuck a black chick. THAT fucking hurts, I feel my chest tighten and fresh tears escape my eyes. Fuck, that makes sense Kat, I tell myself. I saw those two skinny typical model looking white girls at Rock-N-Bowl. I look nothing like them. Of course I'm not his type. No way someone that HOT, white, and beautiful in every sense of that word could be into me in that way. I should be used to it. Going to a predominately white High School, I learned there are not too many Caucasian men that would want to date or are even attracted to an African American woman. I should not have let myself believe I could have a shot with Chris.

I finally reach my house, when I get inside I go straight to my room. I text Michelle and Dee to let them know I'm not going to meet them out and that I'm home safe. I turn my radio on to the soft rock station. I let my head fall on my pillow and commence to let go of all my tears. I've never cried over a guy like this before. I'm not that type of girl. I've never invested so much emotionally in someone to be in pain like this. The only other time I had waterworks this bad was when Anderson left. Anderson, I miss the hell out of him.  His actually the only other guy I have ever thought of giving my virginity to. Not so much because I was in complete lust for him that I wanted to fuck his brains out and vice versa like I did Chris. But, because we had a strong emotional friendship. I knew he wouldn't hurt me or disappoint me. I completely trusted him. I always thought he would be the perfect person to explore and practice sexual positions with. Hell it work great with learning how to do blow jobs.

But, Christopher. Christopher, I wanted all of him: mentally, emotionally, and physically. And I still do.

My virginity is something very precious to me. I fool around with guys. A girl has needs of course. I do blowjobs. I enjoy being fingered. I let a guy go down on me once but he was fucking awful at it, so it kinda turned me off of it. Physically, I want to fuck. I masturbate a lot to keep my mind off sex on a daily basis. Hell, maybe it is a fairy tale expectation. But, I want to have mind blowing, earth shattering, passing the fuck out sex everytime. I hear all these horror stories from girlfriends about their sexual experiences; painful first times, men only worry about pleasing themselves, never hearing from the man again, small dicks, terrible/ unsatisfying sex. Fuck that, I want to be sure about it. I do not want any disappointments. Like I said, it's probably just an unattainable dream. For now, a girl can dream, can't she?

After 30 minutes of listening to soft rock and crying silent tears,I stop. I feel drained. I stare at the blades on my ceiling fan going around and around until I start getting dizzy and nauseous. It's about 2 am when I decide to get my ass out of bed and clean myself up. I change into my comfortable cotton Victoria Secret night pants with the different color high heel shoes on them and a tight pink tank top. I'm walking to my bed when my bedroom door swings open and in rush my 2 best friends. I have a dark wood king size canopy bed with a leather headboard. Mchelle and Dee both jump in it.

"So, Katty, was it good? He was adorable." Michelle says looking at me. She sees my red, puffy eyes. "Wait. Katty, have you been crying? The fuck happened tonight?"

"Come sit in here. Tell us what happened." Dee says tapping a spot between her and Michelle for me to get in.

"Alright."I say because I need to vent. I need to see someone else's perspective. I want to be told I'm wrong. He really did want me. He left for some other reason, not because he realized it was a mistake . I slip in the spot. I pull my knees to my chest and wrap my arms around my knees. I stare ahead at nothing in particular just replaying the whole evening as I retell it. Michelle and Dee turn to me and give me their full attention. I recount everything; from seeing him in my literature class in the morning, to the incident with the girls at Rock-N-Bowl, to our amazing makeout session, and finally to seeing the regret in his eyes as he said he couldn't be with me. At some point in the story, Dee puts her head on my left shoulder and was rubs my back. It was soothing. I did't cry. I told myself I was done. But, I could feel the tears threathing to spill again.

Michelle says," What an asshole, he doesn't deserve to have your kitty-cat."

"Yeah, but my Kitty-cat was soo weeping for him." We start laughing. It feels fun. I love my friends.

When we stop, all is quiet. There is a light knock on the door. "Come in!" I yell. It's Josh," Hey ladies." He looks at Michelle "Babe, I'm going to bed. Marcus passed out on the couch. I'll bring him home in the morning." Michelle smiles at him and nods. " I'll be in later."

"Night, ladies." 

"Good night, handsome." I say.

"Night, Josh." Dee replies. This is not the first time Marcus has drank too much to drive and crashes on our sofa. We have an extra room but Marcus never makes it that far. Josh being Michelle's boyfriend stays over at least one night every weekend. Dee and I do not mind at all, especially since he makes us breakfast in the morning.

Both my friends know how I feel about my virginity. Dee says," Kat, you were that sure about this guy after one night that you were going to give it up?"

"Yes." I try to explain to them that it felt like all the planets were aligned and it felt right. I try to explain that I had  this intimate emotionally connection with him that bought a beautiful sense of peace and trust.  And an overpowering need to feel more connected to him through making love. I wanted him inside me. "I guess he didn't feel the same way." I sigh. Michelle grabs my face and holds it in front of her face. "Katty, you are one hot piece of ass and any guy that rejects you like that is a complete douche and you absolutely deserve better than that. It has nothing to do with you. You are a beautiful black woman and anyone with a dick would gladly fuck you. Black, white, asian, doesn't fucking matter. And if he does not want to be with you because you're black then Fuck Them. You are worth more. Got it."

"Yes." I whisper.

"I didn't fucking hear you."

"Yes." I say louder.

"Say, I'm a Sexy Ass Bitch who will get my fucking Sex God Prince fucking Charming that I fucking deserve not some white asswipe who thinks he's too fucking good for my unbelievably beautiful black ass."

"Wow!" I start giggling. " I taught you well grasshopper. That was a classy set of words you strung together." I raise my right hand as if I'm reciting an oath,"I'm a Sexy Ass Bitch who will get my fucking Sex God Prince fucking Charming..."

"Good enough, I love you girls." She kisses me and Dee on the forehead and gets up. " Goodnight you gorgeous bitches, I am going to go fuck my man."

"Night." Me and Dee say together, smiling as she leaves.

Dee turns to me and talks softly," Kat, I don't think he left you out there because he didn't want to be with you. Think about it; he could have slept with the two Barbie looking chicks from the bowling alley, he definetly only had eyes for you while you were dancing, and he was the one who said he wanted to sleep with you first. Maybe, the whole virginity thing scared him. I'm not saying he did not want to sleep with you at that moment but he might have a different reason other than your skin color. If you like this man as much as you seem to, than maybe don't give up on it just yet."

"Okay." I answer. We both lay down in the bed. I look at her,"Thank you, Dee." "Anytime."Then I turn the opposite direction. It is 4 am, I'm exhausted. It doesn't take long for sleep to claim me. 

Chris:

After I close the door,I stand there with my back pressed against it. I keep my eyes closed until I hear her car leave the driveway. I hit my head against the door. The fuck was I thinking. She's way too fucking good for me, she deserves better than my worthless ass. That dejected look on her face, God forgive me. But, I did her a huge favor. I just hope she doesn't completely hate me. I had this primal urge to claim her as mine tonight but when she told me she was a virgin, it bought me back to reality. There's no way I'm meant to be with such a pure, kind hearted, gorgeous human being. I don't deserve her. I bang my head on the door again,"shit, shit, shit, I want her." I huff.

"You want who?" It's my brother, Chase, coming out of the kitchen with abottle of water.

"That girl you were all over out in the driveway just a few minutes ago? What did she reject my O so handsome brother?"

"Fuck you, Chase."

He laughs,"The way you two were going at it  I thought for sure you would be up in your room by now having her screaming your name."

"Yeah, well, you know I don't do that whole one night stand type of shit anymore. Besides that particular woman is way out of my league."

"She didn't seem to be complaining."

"She deserves better than an ex drug head." After my mother died I got into drugs to try to deal with it. I put Chase through hell during that time.  Chase is quiet for a while. He stares at me, I guess trying to decide if I'm joking.

"Hey, Christopher. In all seriousness. Just because you made some stupid choices in the past shouldn't dictate what or who you are entitled to now. Chris, you've turned your life around; you stopped using, you stopped whoring, you are doing great in school ready to graduate this year with a fucking Mechanical Engineering Degree. Holy Shit, man!Your doing fucking awesome."

"Whatever."Chase stands in front of me and puts his hands on my shoulders. He's staring at my face but I'm looking up the stairs past him. " Chris , you know leaving town doesn't change anything. All that shit you did in the past, mom dying, dad leaving,it all still happened. Just cause you leave town it does not erase it. You need to face it and deal with it man. I'm here for you if you need anything." He stares at me for a minute then gives me a quick hug. "It's late, get some sleep. come to the shop after 1 pm today, alright." As he's walking away, he turns around with a smirk on his face,"Seeing you get all that action made me horny, later."

"Fucking pervert." I tell him.

I go upstairs to my spacious attic room. It is simple. When you walk in the black armoire is on the left wall. In the middle of the room is my full size mattress that lies low to the floor on a plain black bed frame.  And theres a black nightstand to the right of the bed with a worn out silver adjustable lamp sitting on top. My mom gave me that lamp when I started high school so I could study at night without disturbing anyone. I brush my teeth and take my clothes off. "Mmm." I can still smell her sweet flower perfume on me. It's soothing and a little arousing. I collapse face first on my bed and bury my head in my pillows. I groan as I grid my dick lighty on top of my soft comforter. I take a deep breath. I don't know if Chase is right. I just know I want to get the fuck out of here. I want  a fresh start in a new city where I don't have to worry about running into an ex drug buddy or a woman I screwed when I go to the grocery store or the movies or grab a bite to eat. I want to go somewhere where I'm not reminded of how I helped put my mother into an early grave or was the cause of my father abandoning his family. I wish I would have meet Kat after I got out of this city. I feel like she could make me happy and help me forget all this shit. Bring me peace like she did tonight. But not here, not this fucking place where everytime I would take her somewhere they'll be memories of what a fuck up I am.