Beau Ryan was the most attractive guy at University.

Beau Ryan was a known face and so was I but only because Beau Ryan loved me.

In a very Beau-esque way, Beau swept me into an air stealing, blood throbbing kiss

Beau Ryan was a loud lover, louder than me and he was not ashamed.

Beau Ryan was most vulnerable after making love..

Beau Ryan got jealous.

Beau Ryan claimed what was his.

Beau Ryan cheated. Beau Ryan lied. Was it true that Beau Ryan ever loved me?

I avoided Beau Ryan for two full weeks.

Beau Ryan was there holding me.

Beau Ryan was lost.

Beau Ryan loved me. And I loved Beau Ryan.

I love Beau Ryan. And He loved me….

I love Beau Ryan and Beau Ryan loved me…

Beau Ryan was the most attractive guy at University.

 He was a svelte six foot three, and 180 pounds of lean properly maintained muscle and soft brown hair. His face was molded from what seems like Michelangelo’s hands, a cut jawline, and high cheek bones and big down cast brown eyes.

In other words he was hot. I was your average college beauty a little heavier than the girls you see on those college dramas, I was 5’8 and a curvy 165 pounds, most of my weight distributed evenly to produce a set of wide hips and a prominent but not skimping on a robust chest.

I had even brown skin and back length natural kinks and curls, most of the time maintained in a bun or a braid.

Beau Ryan was the captain of the swim team, he got the job his sophomore year here, he was also student body president and currently holding the highest GPA in the business department at U of Penn. I was the President of Black Student Union and currently hanging on to my 3.5 GPA in my Pre-med concentration.

Beau Ryan was invited to pledge at all the fraternities on campus, I was not. Beau Ryan gets asked to the hippest parties and get togethers, I do not.

Beau Ryan was a known face and so was I but only because Beau Ryan loved me.

Beau Ryan loved me, ever since he saw me in his oral communication course freshman year. He said that when I walked in he knew I was the one. I had chosen that day to take the front seat of the lecture hall and Beau had already taken the back row seat. He took leave immediately to plop his sweet cologne-self beside me. I gasped not expecting him to sit directly beside me but that was the Beau Ryan way.

“Hi I’m Beau and your name?” he asked his brown eyes peering into mine as he licked his pink cupid bow shaped lips. I closed my eyes at the sound of his buttery velvet sounding southern drawl.

“Ashlee, I responded taking his outstretched hand, on which he grasped gently in soft palms and instead of shaking, brought to his lips. “Charmed Ashlee.” He whispered into my hand.

Beau didn’t hesitate then to stake his claim we barely made it through the first lecture before he had my phone number and set up our first date. He said he didn’t think he was rushing because he knew we had forever, but he is an impatient man.

The first year we dated, I received a lot of scorn from the girls I lived with, my own roommate scoffed at the idea that someone like me could score someone like him, to say my self-esteem suffered was an understatement.

It was the late half of our spring semester, five months into dating Beau when I decided this friend induced exile might not be worth the budding love I was feeling for my boyfriend. I walked over to his dorm room and knocked, his roommate and now friend Freddy smiled at me as he answered.

Beau peaked around the door and when he saw my face he grabbed a pair of shoes and his wallet and took my hand. We walked in silence for about five minutes before I could put it in words. Beau was good like that waiting for me to say what was on my mind I wasn’t as quick to the tongue as he was and he respected that.

“Beau, I don’t know how much longer I can take being pushed around by my floor mates, girls in my classes they ignore me like I don’t exist and they are so mean. They say I don’t deserve you that I must be putting out cause how in the world did I land someone like Beau Ryan. I just I don’t…” I began to tear up and he didn’t take long gather me in my arms. He kissed my tears away and held me close to his warm body.

“I love you.” He said softly tears forming in his eyes as he looked down at me. I regarded him softly, as they fell onto his cheek.

“I just love you so much. Oh my God, seeing you like this literally hurts. Ashlee I love you.” He whispered to my lips before kissing me soundly.

“I love you too.” I smiled into the kiss. “Then move in with me, those girls are jealous and petty and I won’t have my love crying over them. It is I who doesn’t deserve you, someone so gently, sweet, and strong. Someone as beautiful and sexy.” He growled softly gripping his hands tighter at my waist.

Beau Ryan loved me so the next day he got us an apartment in the city and we moved in for the rest of the semester.

Beau Ryan loved me so much that he publicly announced it at the quad that very day. He screamed into the megaphone how much I made him stutter, how seeing me stopped his heart.

 I turned bright red under my deep brown skin. But that was the Beau Ryan way.

Beau Ryan loves me I can tell in how he will help me twist my hair at night before bed, I could tell when he bought silk pillow cases for the bed so I wouldn’t have to wear my bonnet to sleep.

Beau Ryan loves me I can tell because when we finally became intimate a year into our relationship he was an attentive lover.

 Blessing my entire body with kisses and love bites careful to stimulate my nipples and my pearl, he whispers sweet nothings as he kisses my lower lips, his hands gripping tight onto my thighs.

When he enters me his eyes flutter close as he fights to gaze at my face.

Beau Ryan loves my curves, he tells me all the time. He shows me by grasping my hips in public and whispering how much he loves seeing them sway as I walk in front of him, he shows me by pressing his hardness into my behind showing me how much indeed he loves my body.

He shows me by smacking my ass as I walk past him in the kitchen. “I’m no longer hungry for food.” He tells me as he grasps a hefty handful.  He shows me by kissing my lips reverently.

“You are an angel, my love. Your beauty rivals the stars.” He whispers.

Beau Ryan loves me I know that but my insecurity runs deep, I trust him I do but it seems surreal that I could get so lucky. The summer of our sophomore year Beau Ryan took me home to his Louisiana southern Baptist family.

Needless to say I was nervous, and ever since we started being intimae Beau rarely ever hid his desires for me. I begged him to tone it down at his parents’ house but he insisted that they wouldn’t mind. I begged him however for my sake, he didn’t make any promises. It was the Beau Ryan way.

Upon entering the manor, yes manor, this was no rinky dink house, this was a plantation estate. I know sounds terrible doesn’t it? Beau swung his BMW to the front door, we had driven the 10 hours to Louisiana in one shot Beau was entirely too excited for me to meet his momma.

He kissed me softly to wake me up, peppering kisses over my neck and face. I giggled running my hands over his hair.

“Star, we’ve made it.” he insisted. I nodded and I climbed from the vehicle smoothing the black body con dress Beau insisted I wore with my faux army camouflage jacket. Beau gathered our baggage and we walked up to the double doors. Beau opened the front door and tossed our baggage into ta step down living room before calling.

“Momma! Papa! We Made IT!” he yelled into the empty house. I smacked his arm, to was almost 12:00am, before I saw his cheerful parent bound down the steps, looking regal in their matching robes.

His mother greeted him a grandiose hug and his father with an intimate handshake. Beau smiled brightly grabbing my hand ushering me to the in front of him. “This is the star of my sky, Ashlee Wolfe.” He said smiling. My heated as he pressed himself flush against my back.

His mother grinned. “My aren’t you as pretty as a magnolia in May, I am so happy to have finally met you in person. The woman who has stolen my boy’s heart.”

She kissed my cheek as I said my thank your. His father regarded me with a kind face and a soft nod.

“Son, let the women retire to the kitchen for tea as we grab your luggage,” His father said after a moment. Beau smiled. “Absolutely.” Just as I am about to follow his retreating mother Beau grabs me into an intimate embrace, one hand brushing the curls from my face another grabbing a handful of my ass.

He kisses me soundly and squeezes his handful forcing a moan from me. He chuckles before he whispers in my ear. “That’s my girl, don’t tarry with momma now she’ll talk you to death and I rather like you alive.”

I smack his jaw and glare at him as he releases me. “I won’t apologize,” he says before turning to his smirking father as I flame in embarrassment. Before I turn away I see his father ribbing him in the side.

“That boy.” Beau’s mother sighed as she dipped a honey stick into my chamomile tea. “I’m sorry; he does it to embarrass me and I just...” I stuttered as she giggled.

“Oh dear Ashlee, never you mind. I’ve known the day that boys flower was plucked, he walked around this house like he owned it. But from what I take he plucked yours?” she asked smirking into her tea.

I blanch with a curt nod. “Don’t be shy doll, you and he are adults both 21 now, your intimate business is none of mine. But I’ll have you know the Ryan men are known for their voracious appetite.”

“Um…” I responded dumb founded. Madeline laughed. “My…my Beau has picked up quite the little lamb. Darling I saw the way my boy handled you out there I know my boys.”

“Yes he is very active. I’m so lucky to have him.” I said honestly as I looked at his stunning mother. Her eyes got soft then losing their mischief.

“Why yes dear you are most certainly lucky, however my boy seems to have picked himself truly a pearl amongst clams.”

I smile. “You must know that he loves you. In my calls to him you are constantly on his thoughts, you are the reason he is so successful.” I began to protest.

“No honestly you are. He stresses about his grades not for our approval but for yours, and he is constantly telling me, “Momma I have to push myself, I’m going to provide for Ashlee one day I want to be a good husband.”

I gasp.

Madeline smiled. “You’re it for him and he has told me of your insecurities but know that everything you are your beautiful complexion and you perfect shape these are thing he loves and no other skinny white girl can run him from your bed, only you can so forget about the other you it.” she said softly.

“He put you up to this?” I giggle. She smiled. “Not necessarily, he was expressing some worry the other week.”

I was about to answer when Beau wrapped his arms around my waist. “Momma, baby.” He greeted kissing my cheek. I sink into his embrace the fatigue from the trip suddenly hitting me. Madeline smiled as Beau comfortingly ran his fingers over my palms.

“Alright kids, Poppa is probably in bed and I’m as tired as a sled dog. Good night my loves.”

“Good Night momma.” Beau smiled watching her ascend the stairs.

We followed behind her after a moment. “You and your dad catch up?” I asked as we also took to the stairs.

“Yes, we talked some of my possibly going abroad next semester for the London entrepreneurship cross cultural. I’m hesitant.” Beau relates holding the double doors to what I suppose was his childhood bedroom.

“Why that sounds like a great opportunity!” I exclaimed as he closed the door immediately pulling off my boots and jacket. Beau follows suit slinking into the king size bed in the middle of the room, clad in his boxers.

“I’d miss you way too much. Three months without my kitty…” Beau’s voice took a different timbre one used when Beau was feeling frisky.

I turned to see him cupping his balls in one hand and squeezing his turgid length in another.

I slipped over my head a white t-shirt and begin to braid my hair before I answer. “Is that all you think about?” I asked.

Beau is quiet for a moment before answering. “I brought the silk pillow cases will you leave your hair out, and yeah when my gorgeous girlfriend is frolicking in front of me naked.” I heard the bed creak before I felt his hands in my hair undoing the braid there.

“But you want to know what is on the forefront of my mind most days?” He asks massaging my scalp now. I shake my head.

“I think about you in a white dress walking toward me, I think about you swelling with my child. But if I told you those things you’d think I was crazy!” Beau chuckled. Air had hitched in my throat.

I turned and wrapped my arms over his shoulders. “Actually, I really like those thoughts. It’s really hard for me to imagine myself with anyone other than you. And the thought of you with someone else makes my chest feel heavy.” I responded.

In a very Beau-esque way, Beau swept me into an air stealing blood throbbing kiss.

His hands tangled themselves in my curls before slipping down my neck which he manipulated to move my head in his preferred position.

Another hand slipped and gathered my shirt under my bust before it took purchase in its favorite spot, my behind, bringing my body towards him.

When he released my mouth his sweet mint breath fanning over my swollen lips he responded then, “You are my forever.  I would rather cease to exist than be without you and I would cease to exist if you chose to be without me. My heart you won it completely.” His mouth returned to mine is a forceful kiss.

The back of my knees hit the bed and I am falling back Beau crawling in between my thighs. “Can I have my kitty, Star?” Beau asked against my neck. His fingers toying with the waist of my lace back thong.

I smile at how desperate he sounded, desperate for me. I whine softly in his ear grinding into his hardness. “You want a taste?” I asked. Beau’s brown eyes deepen as he peered into mine.

“I want my honey.” He moaned matching my hip undulations. “You always get a taste, but you wear me out before I get to indulge.” I whisper into his ear. His hips halt and his finger dig into my hips tightly.

“Fuck.” He moans. “You want to suck me sweetheart?” he asks after a few ragged breaths. I nod timidly into his neck. Beau breathes in deeply before swinging me over his body. I sit up right atop his hips and remove the now offensive white shirt, and shimmy off my thong.

From beneath me Beau kicks of his boxers. His lips are red and swollen and wet, his eyes hooded and dark. Desperate.

“You want your honey?” I ask as I shimmy down his body. Beau nods. “Then be a good boy.” I said softly raking my nails over his thighs before capturing his now purple length into my mouth.

Beau Ryan was a loud lover, louder than me and he was not ashamed.

 His hands grasped at the covers beneath him, and his head strained against the covers. “MMM!” he groaned as I lightly twirled my tongue around his head.

I hummed around him enjoying his pleasant and familiar taste, salt and sweet cream. “Ashlee.” He gasped grasping at my shoulders gently. I glanced up at him innocently as I took him into my throat.

His eyes widened and his mouth fell slack. “Uhhh ummm baby, let me get … uh let me kiss the kitty swing you’re …. Don’t stop… your legs up here.” He asked his sentence fractured. I hummed at the thought of riding my man’s face. I released him with a pop and he smiled as I adjusted myself over his mouth. His hands grasped my ass and then he pressed me into his lips.

I gasped as he latched onto my pearl. At this point I had forgotten about my task much to Beau’s amusement. His tongue slurped at my essence and his fingers pulled open my petals. I’m coming before I have time to react.

I bite my lip to muffle my scream digging my fingers into Beau’s thighs. He moans obscenely into my center and takes a gentle bite of my ass cheek as I rise and slump on my back a noddle.

I reach for Beau opening my knees so he could slink in between them. He hums as he enters me peering into my eyes, I gasp as I feel him fill me, his fingers lace in mine as he full seated inside me.

His hips began a slow rhythm no completely removing him from me. His head sinks into my shoulder and his body relaxes into his rhythm. “Perfect… you are perfect. God you take me in and squeeze me so tight.” Beau mumbles. His fingers release mine to wrap around my waist and my shoulders, pulling me flush against his body as my man made love to me.

“So full…” I moan as his movements sent tingles up my spine. I smooth my fingers over his creamy skin, yearning him to be closer to me as if this connection wasn’t enough. It isn’t long before I feel my release snaking its way into my body.

 I’m arching my back as his hips begin a more punishing rhythm Beau losing himself in the most bodily sensation.

 Gone are the words as He grabs onto my shoulders leverage, one hand gripping my hips keeping the perfect angle so he could hit my spot.

 His mouth is slack and moist as harsh breaths release from his mouth his eyes fighting to close beneath the weight of his pleasure. My right hand rests on his tense bottom another running my fingers over his lips as I watch him come undone.

His eyes widen and a guttural groan leaves his mouth his hips erratic now pushing me towards my brink. “I love you…” I mouth wordlessly as the feeling spreads from my core to the crown of my head.  “Uhhhh Baby.” Beau moans his hips shallowly pumping inside me his essence bathing my walls.

He settles a top me his breathing ragged as he brings my body into his.  His face nuzzling the skin of my shoulder, Beau Ryan was most vulnerable after making love.

I ran my fingers over his back as he calmed. I played with his feather soft brown curls damp with sweat as I felt him soften within me. Beau Ryan required aftercare after he expressed his love physically.

“Beau, I want you to consider London. It’s a great experience. I’ll miss you so much too but it doesn’t have to be hard.” I whispered kissing his jaw.

Beau shifted his weight removing himself from me with a shudder.  He remained between my knees his head resting between my breasts one hand cupping it the other slipping under my waist. “I just don’t want to be without you.” He whispered.

“And you won’t.” I confirmed. My hands stilling combing through his hair, he hums nuzzling his nose into my chest. “I’ll sleep on it.” He concedes.  

“I love you too baby.” He hums at last falling asleep.

Beau Ryan did end up going to London, but in a very Beau Ryan-esque way he found me an internship there as well working for the CDC in London. Beau had conceded that he couldn’t leave me behind.

In London we lived in a flat and attended classes at the University of London and then at our respective internships. While on a date to visit the River Thames we met Gillian, a model for Calvin Klien she stopped us as we took to the board walk one evening. Beau was twirling me around when she stopped him.

“Excuse me. I must know your name!” she said grabbing on his bicep. Beau looked perturbed and shook from her grasp. Gillian was a statuesque blond, with a face made for print and the runway… in simpler words she was stunning.

“I’m sorry do I know you?” He asked pulling me to his side.

Gillian regarded me then with annoyance and confusion. “No, but I had to stop you. I’m a model and I saw you here with your… friend and I wanted to offer you a position. Calvin Klein is having a casting call next week and I really think you are what the agency is looking for.” She giggled.

Beau rolled his eyes and squeezed my waist. “I’m not interested, now if you’ll excuse me my girlfriend and I are on an outing.”

“Beau!” I scolded he was clearly dismissing her and now I felt bad. “Where is the casting call?” I asked. She reluctantly gave me the address and I told her he would be there. Beau’s jaw clenched as he watched the exchange and I knew that I was going to get a talking to as soon as she was out of earshot.

“Ashlee…” he groaned. I ran my hand over his stomach and smiled trying to butter him up.

“What, I think this is a great way for you to network! I’m helping you out.” I insisted. He glared at me.

“Star, I don’t want to be a model, I don’t want emaciated girls to drape themselves over me for public consumption.” He whined as I pulled him down the boardwalk.

“I know but you were being rude to her.” I whined. Beau gave me a pointed look. “Star, she was hitting on me while I was out with you. I do not wish to surround myself with the likes of her it will give her the idea that she has a chance with me.”

I smiled. “You don’t fancy her pretty?” I asked. Beau grimaced. “Is that a loaded question, sweetheart?” I shook my head.

“She is pretty yes, but why taste from the buffet when you already have the main course.” He smiled pulling me to gaze at the Thames in the light of the city.

“You will go to the casting call, and I will come with you if it makes you feel better.”  Beau regarded me wanting to fight, and confused about why I wanted him to go. But Beau Ryan loved me and was willing to do this for me.

I don’t know why I wanted him to go, the thought of him around those beautiful models made me uncomfortable, but I guess I didn’t want to hold him back even if it made my skin crawl for him to be holding those other girls. I wanted him to take every opportunity offered to him.

At the casting call he was selected amongst 50 other guys. I had dressed him that day in a pair of skinny legged slacks a white collared shirt and grey cashmere sweater. I weirdly enough matched him in a grey long sleeve body con dress and black blazer and black knee high heeled boots.  I wore my hair in a wand curls.

Gillian beamed when she saw Beau and smiled at me strained as she saw me accompanying him, after a debriefing Beau was asked to join Gillian and three other girls for a preliminary photo shoot.

He was ushered back for hair and makeup, before he planted on me a steamy kiss. I rolled my eyes at him he was clearly making a statement to the other male models in the room, Beau Ryan was insecure. He gave me a gentle swat on my behind and left.

I took time to speak with the photographer a young Spaniard. He approached me after Beau’s scene.

“Your boy?” He asked. I nodded. “Yeah, I’m sorry for all that… he’s embarrassing.” I sighed.

“I’m Julian. No I don’t blame him you are stunning, and your body is much more impressive than these sticks they call women.” He said giving me the once over.

“I’m Ashlee, and thank you. But Beau is by far the more attractive one in this relationship.” I smiled. Julian frowned.

“Darling I’m a gay Spaniard and I’d take you to bed before him, as would half the male models that passed through here. You truly don’t know your beauty.  Half of the greased up men that passed through here tried to undress you with their eyes, you should have seen your boys glare as Antonio our Italian resident model eyed you.” Julian insisted, pointing out the tall dark regal man that looked toward me with smoldering eyes.

“Oh.” I gasped. Julian smiled but before he could answer, the models returned. They had dressed Beau in black boxer briefs and greased up his entire body so his abs seemed more pronounced and his quads looked even more powerful. They slicked back his hair and highlighted his cheek bones.

He looked absolutely miserable but I couldn’t deny that he would photograph well. I smiled at him and his eyes brightened.  Then Gillian entered, she hung off his arm dressed in an oversized men’s collared shirt and tiny Calvin Klein briefs. Her hair was mussed perfectly. Beau gave her a strained tight lipped smile before he pried her off him and bounded toward me and Julian.

Gillian glared at his back. Beau ran his hand over my neck as he reached me kissing my cheek.

Julian smiled and introduced himself. Then everything was set in motion. The studio was now set to show a bed room scene white pillows atop a large fluffy bed, lights where set up and Julian was shouting orders.

“Beau and Gillian I want you in bed.” Julian ordered. He instructed Gillian to straddle Beau atop the bed and wanted them to gaze in each other’s eyes. I could tell Beau was not into it. Julian took a few shots but Beau’s body language was stiff.  Julian huffed and beckoned me.

“Is that how he looks at you when you make love?” he asked exasperated. I shook my head.

Julia groaned. “Can you talk to him all these shots look forced? Beau had egged Gillian off of him when I walked over. Beau smiled. I sat beside him and ran my fingers over his lips. I leaned forward then to whisper in his ear.

“I can’t wait to ride you tonight, seeing her, on top of you makes me want to claim what’s mine.” I took his earlobe in my mouth; I wasn’t concerned about anyone seeing as my hair cascading around us. But I felt Beaus hands clench in the comforter of the bed.

“Imagine that’s me in your bed, with you inside me.” I whispered before leaving him,

Beau nodded and swallowed softly his body relaxed his lips parted and eyes hooded.

I motioned Gillian to retake her position, and scooted out of the way as Julian began clicking the camera.

Julian approached me after those shots and grasped my fingers. “You are a miracle worker, God he looked ready to ravish you as you shuffled away, Gillian might think those eyes were for her but everyone in the room knew who Beau was thinking about as he licked his lips.” He grinned.

My face got hot. After a few more single shots of Beau in the boxers we left.

Beau Ryan was offered a temporary contract with Calvin Klein.

 He decided he could do the part-time work so long as I was there to support him and at every shoot I was there. We enjoyed our time in London.

Being a model meant that Beau got invited to many parties.

At a Cover Girl release party Beau Ryan got jealous.

I had picked up a burgundy sweetheart neckline trumpet gown to go with the burgundy tie Beau planned to pair with his tux for the release party. In a room full of models I felt less than most of the time but in this dress I felt stunning and Beau was clear in his approval.

These parties lulled in conversation of fashion and model drama, Beau usually stood directly by my side and whispered in my ear how much he couldn’t wait to take me home. I’d assure him that we would stay at least an hour before he could do that and he’d pout.

But this time a few of his friends ushered him to meet an upcoming fashion company owner and I insisted that I stay back and nurse my glass of wine.

I didn’t realize I was being watched but I felt a hand rest at my lower back and jumped when I saw the handsome face of Antonio Balvari, one of Beau’s colleagues.

“Hmmm, the princess is finally free of her guard.” He hummed pressing his chest to my back. I shuffled lightly away as he began to wrap his arms around my waist.

“Excuse me Mr. Balvari.” I said politely. I thought for sure that he was intoxicated, indicated by the glassy look of his eyes.

“Tony, bellezza, your guard has left you unattended and a beauty like you should never be left alone. My God are you a flower amongst weeds!” he exclaimed.

“Thank you, Tony. But Beau will return soon and …”

“Yes well in the meantime you most allow me to taste of your honey, such rich and exotic skin, I desire to taste your lips, and feel you full body under mine.” He whispered capturing my waist roughly. My hands went to rip his away but I met air.

“You will do no such thing.” Beau growled suddenly before me and Antonio. His friends stood around us, Gillian grinning vindictively.

Tony smiled wickedly. “And what young Beau, are you afraid she would prefer a Man, rather than a boy, a woman like her should be writhing underneath a man begging for more, and can you truly give her that?”

Beau’s jaw clenched as Tony regarded me hungrily. “You are no gentleman and a woman like MY WOMAN, should be regarded with respect and softness. As to her nightly pleasure, I deliver that to her very well. Her nectar is always on my lips, because that is MINE, MY HONEY.”  Beau growled. I came to rest my hands over his back to calm him.

Tony chuckled. “Why are you so lucky to gain her favor, a beauty like her, the women we work with don’t compare to her, how are you so lucky!” Gillian scoffed in the crowd, her eyes glaring at Tony and Beau.

Beau turned and gathered me in his arms. “I don’t know but she is mine as long as she’ll have me and I don’t want your sullied hands on her again.” Tony glared but before she could rebuff Gillian blew up.

“HER, better than me. She is but a fat dark bitch. But you two arguably the best looking men in this room are fighting over her! Beau you could have me! ME! I don’t understand.” She screeched her fists clenched.

Beau and Antonio turned there gaze to her and then looked at one another and smiled.

“Darling, a better man prefers what’s in the heart; a better man also prefers something to hold onto in bed as well.” Beau answered.

“A real man wants a woman, not stick to bed with and darling models may be what are in fashion for the media, but a real man wants a real woman.” Tony added. His gaze met my body again.

“When you are done with the boy, bellezza, a man is awaiting you.” His honeyed voice pronounced. Antonio chose then to leave; Beau was still vibrating with anger as we left the party. In the taxi he was silent his had tensely laced in mine. Having no words I leaned into him and he accepted my embrace sighing.

When we reached our flat he was still quiet and brooding, something very unlike the Beau Ryan I love.

Not having words and entirely confused we got undressed in silence before bed. I slipped off my gown and hung it up and Beau’s tux was draped over the vanity chair. I began to gather my hair into a pony tail hoping to retain tonight’s wand curls for tomorrow.

Beau approached me in the mirror then and regarded me softly a smile on his lips. I move to turn around to have his hands stop me. Slowly his fingers trail up my stomach stopping to cup my breast then gently over my shoulder to rest at my neck.  His eyes look back at mine through the mirror.

“I’m truly blessed,” he hummed holding me flush to his body. His hands remove my bra and slowly  my underwear. The sensuality of the moment has me speechless and wet. His eyes never leave mine as he dips his fingers into my center.

“All mine.” He whispers into neck. The sensation bows me forward I brace my hand on the wall beside the floor length mirror. His fingers begin a very slow and purpose full rhythm in out, his thumb circling my pearl.  My head bows as I moan. I’m on the verge of orgasm when he removes his right hand, His left positons me back upright against his hard body.  I watch then as he brings his fingers to his mouth, sucking each digit into it.

“MY honey.” He moans. I turn in his hold and meet his mouth in a kiss, my arms wrapped around his waist. He smiles into the kiss and in one fell swoop gathers me into his arms and enters me. My back is then against walls now. I gasp loudly my hands flinging around his neck.

His hip snaps into mine roughly his rhythm savage and possessive and God did I love it. I was a mess of moans and expletives as his mouth blessed my skin and my nipples his hands roughly grabbing at my ass. I was surrounded in Beau.

Beau moaned loudly along with me. “Tell me it is mine.” He growled into my kiss. I moaned in affirmation. I don’t know when we moved but I was on the bed suddenly my knees propping up my body. Beau gives me little time to adjust before he is inside me again.

This position by far our favorite, he seemed somehow bigger this way. “Fuck so tight! Tell me it’s mine Star!”

“Yours!” I exclaim as I reach my peak. My screams are muffled in the comforter. Beau moans at the clenching of my walls but continues his assault.

“Yes baby come for me…. Ohhhh.” He groans rearing his hips for hard thrusts. It doesn’t take long for him to follow me. “Here it comes… God your perfect… uhhh… Mine. Mine. Mine.” He chants smoothing his grip on my cheeks his hips slowing his hands smoothing over my hips and back.

Beau Ryan claimed what was his.

After our semester in London we returned to the states for our last year at university. With University and life resumed to normal with the slight change that Beau was now known as a supermodel.

Part-time albeit but the girls at university were now more bold and vicious in their pursuit of my love.

I was late to meet Beau at the pub one evening, I had lost track of time in the lab so I ran back to the apartment showered and changed. I was shuffling down the side walk shivering in the skinny jeans and loose blouse I had on. Wobbling in on my platforms I was met with a sight I had feared ever since I started dating Beau.

There he was in the arms of another woman. Who was the complete opposite of me in appearance re-affirming my insecurities?

His mouth was latched to hers hotly and she returned the kiss with sensuality, his hands resting limply at her hips and hers wrapped around his shoulders. I was natural they even looked good together. I stood frozen and utterly shattered.

Beau Ryan cheated. Beau Ryan lied. Was it true that Beau Ryan ever loved me?

When they released each other his eyes met mine and widened. I took a deep breath as he moved to approach me I timidly raised my hand to stop him. His eyes frantically looked over me and I pressed my hand over my heart and turned to leave the pub.

It was colder now it seemed. When I made it to the apartment I packed a small bag and put it in my car, and drove home. My dad was surprised to see me and I insisted that I just wanted to be home tonight. His face held questions but he did not press and I was grateful.

I like a zombie moved about my room cleaning up after myself and putting on my pajamas. My phone was vibrating off the hook as I settled into the covers.  20 missed calls from Beau Ryan. 15 voice messages. 7 text messages.

10:45 -Star let me explain.

10:47- Ashlee I’m sorry

11:00- I don’t know what came over me I just…call me

11:20-I’m coming home, please be there. So we can talk.

11:21Baby please… please.

11:23-Where are you? Can you just let me know you’re safe?

12:00-Star, come home.

I answered automatically saying I was at my Dads.  After I assured him I was safe I deleted every message, I couldn’t bear to listen to his voice. No tears came but an overwhelming cloud of emptiness filled the entirety of my being. Beau Ryan was never going to last, I had told myself that it was too good to be true and I was right.

My sleep was fruitless and dreamless.

I avoided Beau Ryan for two full weeks.

 I went to class and went home, I eventually had to explain to my father that Beau and I were having issues. To which he did not press but was an ever comforting silent presence. Beau called me multiple times a day for the first full week. Before they eventually dropped off. What never stopped where his morning messages when he wished me a good day and expressed how much he loved me. His wished me good night as well calling me his Star and his love. I never responded

By the end of third week I was agitated. He had just texted me.

11:30-Goodnight Star, you are always my last thought. I love you.

So I called him. It rang twice before he answered. “Star am I dreaming?” he asked his voice muffled with sleep.

I was silent for a few moments. His voice was like salve to wounds familiar and twangy. From the emptiness sprung forth an immense longing coinciding with an immense pain. Tears finally burst forth. Gut wrenching sobs.

“Star, Ashlee!” Beau asked over the phone strangled but I couldn’t calm enough to answer. “Oh my love, what have I done?” he cried helplessly over the phone. I hung up. I couldn’t bear to hear his voice anymore, missing his touch.

I don’t know when I fell asleep. I vaguely remember a warm body enveloping mine, and soft kiss pressed against my forehead. When I woke up again it was early morning, I could tell by the chill in the room, still blanketed in darkness a faint light however illuminated the window.

Beau Ryan was there holding me.

I knew because his scent filled my nostrils, and my heart lurched at the scent. I knew because my soul felt centered as if its other half had once again found its match. I leaned up to gaze at him and was shocked to see how gaunt he had become.

 Dark circles surrounded his eyes and frown lines seemed to spring overnight around his perfect lips, which had lost their pink hue, now pale.

I ran my fingers over his strong and delicate features. My fingers ran over his lips, still soft begging to be kissed. “Ashlee, I cannot even begin to describe how much I love you.” Beau whispered. I met his brown eyes for the first time 25 days, gone was their twinkle of humor, in it replacement loss.

I pressed my fingers to his mouth to silence him. Beau Ryan was lost.

He closed his eyes and a tear slipped down his cheek. I kissed it away. “I need to hear It.” he begged his voice thick with sorrow. I pressed my lips to his to silence him. He responded kissing me softly his lips trembling.

“Beau.” I regarded him softly running my hand over his hair. “I am so hurt. You affirmed every insecurity I’ve faced in our relationship. You broke my heart.” I whispered into his neck, unable to watch him cry anymore.

“And she looked so right in your arms Beau. I couldn’t help but feel like if that was the natural order of things. That I be the outsider looking in on love, but you gave me a taste then in that moment it was ripped from me. It all felt like a lie.” I confessed. Tears dampened at his neck as my voice cracked.

“It made me feel like every time you said I love you was a mockery. Every kiss a farce. Every time we made love an act of pity …” I sobbed.

Beau’s arms entangled around me tightly, “I’ve truly broken the wings off an angel.” He murmured into my hair. “These past 25 days 9 hours and 33 minutes without you my Star have been a living hell that kiss that stupid girl, that idiotic dare was not worth this.”

“I cannot begin to tell you how sorry I am. I won’t justify my actions by saying it was the alcohol or the dare. It was my stupidity.” Beau whispered into the silence.

“Star, every night since you left I’ve felt a vast emptiness in the pit of my stomach as if my soul was ripped from me. When you called me Star it felt like a hallucination and when I heard your tears… I’ve never before ever felt so worthless… to think that I made you doubt your worth and my love for you, it makes me sick. I’m no better than dog.” He spat. I cupped his cheek to stop his train of thought meeting his eyes.

“No.” I began but he closed his eyes.

“Ashlee, I love you. I cannot fathom the thought of me without you. You are worthy of love. You deserve better than me. But I cannot find reason to live besides you.” Beau concluded the tears falling down his cheeks into the pillow under his head. I wiped them away, kissing the trail they left.

“I need to hear that you still love me Star. If you do that is…” He croaked rubbing his chest above his heart. I replaced his hand with mine and kissed his lips. He returned the kiss gently almost hesitant.

His eyes searched mine. “I love you.” I responded. His eyes closed and a fresh wave of tears released from both mine and his eyes.

Beau Ryan loved me. And I loved Beau Ryan.

I took us another month to communicate to each other the depth of how our actions hurt our relationship. Another month before I moved back in and another month before we got intimate again, by graduation I was sure Beau Ryan was my forever.

I love Beau Ryan. Beau Ryan loved me flaws and all. I knew because he was beaming when I walked down the aisle to him 2 years after graduation. The venue was crowded with cherry blossoms and the smiling faces of our friends and family. I knew he loved me because he held me so delicately in our first dance as husband and wife.

Beau Ryan loved me. I knew because he told me every morning with a cup of coffee and a kiss. I knew in the way he regarded me as I toiled through work files in our shared office space; with pride and support.

I knew in the way he laughed tearfully of the new that I was expecting during our 2nd year marriage anniversary. The way he made love to me reverently that night. I knew he loved me when he spoke to our child every night till the day he was born. Beau Ryan loved me and I knew because held our childlike he saw the sun for the first time.  We named him Samson or Sammy; our Sun Child.

I love Beau Ryan. And He loved me.

 I said goodbye to him last night as he took his last breath at the young age of 38, tears filling his eyes. “Don’t follow me.” He said. “Star, I loved you more than anything in the world. I don’t want to part from you.”

They shot him in a bank hold up an innocent bystander. Right through the heart, he gained consciousness as they wheeled him the OR to remove the bullet to tell me I was his Star his world me and Sammy.

“Don’t leave then Beau, stay with me and Sammy.” I begged. Beau smiled through a grimace. “Tell our Sun child I love him.” He whispered before his eyes closed.

Sammy said good bye to his father at 13 years old and cried in my arms as we lowered Beau Ryan into the ground.

I love Beau Ryan and Beau Ryan loved me.