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Someone I Used to Know

Chapter 6                        Bridging the Gap

(Someone must really like John McBain because even though he is away for treatment things continue to happen in his favor.)

The evening before the scheduled dinner with Agent Baxter Evangeline sorts through her daily mail.  In it she finds a letter postmarked a week ago but just delivered today.  She notices the postmark is from out of town but she recognizes the handwriting as John’s. ‘When did John leave town? That’s why I haven’t seen him around.  I really blasted him the last time that I saw him but he deserved it to think that I would go on a date with him after all of this time.  Maybe he’s writing to apologize.’  She sorts through the rest of the mail and then sits to read John’s letter.  

Evangeline,

I hope that this letter finds you well.  I know that we have not seen each other for a while and the last time that we talked you blasted me about having the nerve to ask you for a date.  My eyebrows are still scorched from that encounter.  All joking aside I want you to know how sorry I am for all the wrong that I did to you.

The day that I last spoke with you, after you left the station,  I applied for medical leave and called the police shrink to find a treatment facility for me to enter.  Within a few hours I was on the road to my new home for the next few months.  After talking with you I knew that I needed intensive professional help.  I know that I probably sounded crazy to you asking you for a date after all that I had put you through and after all that you had been through with recovering from the coma.  I was an a**hole and stupid on top of that.  

Even though I may have sounded crazy what I said was true.  I want a chance with you Evangeline.  I want more than a chance.  I want a life with you.  I know that it is not possible the way that I am so I will change.  I am here to change, to get help to resolve the issues in my head and heart that prevent me from being whole.  Guess what, I’ve even talked about my father’s murder.  That was a major accomplishment for me as you can imagine but it was also a great relief.  I now know that I was not responsible for my father’s death.  I didn’t shoot him and so even though my ten-year-old mind at the time held that thought that lasted all of these years, I can now feel the release of that guilt that has held me down for so long.  So many other things also weighed me down in guilt. Caitlin’s death because of my job but she could have died some other way and it still would not be my fault. Although the killer targeted me and killed Caitlin, he was at fault, not I.  The list of those about whom I feel guilty would take a day for me to complete but I have whittled it down considerably.  

Too bad I didn’t seek treatment before now it would have spared everyone my brooding and non-commitment.  Although this treatment is working it does make me sad that I can’t see you.  Do you know that even when we were not together I always enjoyed seeing you around Llanview, at the diner, or the Palace, or the courthouse?  You were still around though not with me.  When you were gassed and in a coma I feared that I would never see you again and I regretted so much the hurt between us.  I know that I can’t have a do-over but I sincerely wish that you had been spared that stupidity of mine.

While the FBI and Llanview PD worked on solving the OPP case it gave me a bit of relief that I was doing something positive for you.  We caught the leaders and they will never hurt anyone again. One thing came out of that case that I didn’t expect.  One of the FBI agents told me that if he had known you before he would have pursued you and that I was a fool to have lost you.  Imagine my bewilderment that a complete stranger would say something like that but he saw in you something that I knew existed but took for granted.  Just by seeing your picture and reading your file he saw what a kind heart you have and what a remarkable woman you are.  I was in a relationship with you for a year and took advantage of your goodness and lost you.  How stupid can one man be?  When that agent told me that I wanted to punch him out but I had no right to do so.  I lost that right when I lost you.  Everyone can see your goodness and you chose to love me, a man who kept secrets, who put you last, who …  I won’t list the mistakes that I made with you because you already know them but I have learned from my mistakes.

You had other relationships after we broke up and so did I but nothing compared to you Evangeline.  I was blind then but I now clearly see how marvelous you are and I want you in my life.  But I will say this, if we never get together again please know that I LOVE YOU.  There I’ve said it and it feels so  good.  I love you Evangeline and even if you don’t love me I do want the best for you and if that means that it is not with me then so be it but before you commit to someone else please give me another chance and I will get it right this time.  If I know that I have a chance, I will stick with you forever.

My stay in this ‘lovely’ place will last for a few more months.  The doctor says that I am making good progress but I will not return until he says that I have made ‘great’ progress.  So until then just know that I think of you daily and long to see you.  If we can’t be husband and wife can we at least be friends?  I did say husband and wife because that is the relationship that I want with you.  We’ve already tried dating and I want more.  I want it all with you.

Take care of yourself Evangeline.  

I remain forever yours,

John

‘Wow I didn’t expect that.  John went away for treatment.  Good for him he really needs it.  But I will not put my life on hold to see the outcome of this treatment.  I wish him well but I have to get on with my life.  Maybe I need a date and that’s all it will be.  One thing I have resolved is that I will not get intimate with anyone unless we are heading for marriage and maybe not even then.  I might as well wait for the wedding night. I have to learn from my mistakes too.  You give up too much and people will take what you give them and give you nothing in return. This time I will take care of me. If the man can’t handle that then too bad for him and he is not the one for me.  Well I have another busy day tomorrow and dinner with Agent Baxter tomorrow night.  Wait, wait, wait!   Didn’t John say that an FBI agent said that he would pursue me if he saw me.  I bet that was Agent Baxter and that is why he is here.  I won’t say anything to him about what I know and see if he mentions it. This dinner may prove very interesting.’