“Hurry up Saffron!” Shoes were kicked off and Kotani raced past her up the stairs. 

    “STOP RUNNIN UP MY STAIRS YOU HEAR!” A quite hearty shout from their Gammy paused their steps. 

    “YES MA’AM!” Quieting down, they climbed the attic stairs careful, quiet. 

    “Mama lettin me stay the weekend too. I can read to my heart’s content.” Fronnie grinned.

    “Yeah Gam’s journal is all you can talk bout.”

    “Yeah cause it’s interestin!”

    “Okay, gon pick up where we left off.”

    “Kay.” 

*** 

    To me, as a young girl of 17, matters of the heart were foreign yet exciting. I never thought I’d come to love him the way I did. But in the slick summer of ’34, it happened and it hit me without much warning. 

***

    “COME ON KIRA!” Loud splashes of water crashed up on the rocks and the sweet hearty laughter of her sister drifted up through the trees. 

    “I’m comin now hold on!” Starting to unbutton the small buttons to her dress, she soon shrugged out of it and peeled off her stockings. Standing in her white undergarment slip, she ran towards the water with a loud excited scream. 

    “You’ve been staring at her the entire time Joon.” 

    “Have I?” Jim turned to see June Bug leaning back against one of the trees, a shred of grass trapped in between his teeth. 

    “You’re transfixed by her.” Chuckling, he spit the blade of grass out of his mouth. 

    “That right?”

    “Look…Joon.” His serious tone of voice made him look at him.

    “Out of everybody…I trust you.” He didn’t say anything else and started to take off his jacket. 

    “Come on Daddy, come swim with us!” Some pretty little thing called from the water, the thin straps to her slip sliding down light brown shoulders. Jim licked his lips and shoved off his shoes and socks. 

    “You trust me?” He asked, trying to understand. 

    “I said what I said Joon. Now you figure out the rest hear?” He soon ran naked towards the group of girls. 

    “JAMES BURNETT JR! PUT THAT THING AWAY!” Lily screeched, covering her eyes. Kira laughed openly, loudly, purely. She had a hand over her face too but pulled it away, coming to slap her brother on the chest instead. 

    “You a nasty somethin ain’t you? Ain’t nobody told you to get naked.”

    “I definitely ain’t complainin.” The girl said, pressed up against him. It was anybody’s guess what was going on underneath the water. 

    “Kira come on. These two bouta pollute the water. Let’s go over to that there pond.”

    “Oh yeah?” 

    “Yeah. Hey Joon, you joinin us?” At his name, he glanced their way, hands in his pockets. 

    “Y’all want me to swim with y’all?”

    “Yeah come on Mistah Big Shot.” Another little pretty thang cooed, nice and brown like a chocolate bar. He lifted his eyebrow, boyish smirk starting to appear. 

    “Ask real nice and I might.” 

    “Please Daddy? Do it for me.” The girl drawled all seductive like and he couldn’t possibly say no to an invitation like that. Lifting his suspenders, he let them fall against his hips and started to unbutton his shirt. 

    “Don’t be gettin naked like James June Bug.” Lily teased, lifting herself up out of the lake. 

    “He bet not. That’s all for me later.” The girl bragged, pushing her nude upper body up onto the bank. He said not a word as he continued to undress, shirt falling to the ground.

*** 

    That fast little heifa wasn’t the only one who suddenly found herself breathless. She found that she physically could not breathe as the button to his trousers came undone. 

    “He didn’t look like that before did he?” Lily asked, helping her out of the water. 

    “What?”

    “Girl you damn near droolin.”

    “I am not!” But she checked her mouth nonetheless. Lily laughed lightly and hugged her to her body. 

    “This Georgia sun doin him good I think. He losin that winter pale and his hair growin long again. Maybe you can cut it for him.” 

    “C-Cut it?” She asked, cheeks growing warm as the pants grew slack against his ankles. His biceps rippled as he stood, lifting to push his moist obsidian hair back from those beautiful crescent moon shaped eyes. The muscles that covered his stomach came from sweat and hard work she was sure…lifting, bending and carrying stuff on them trains all day and night. Chiseled and defined, she couldn’t look away as a bead or two of sweat danced down the honeyed skin.

    “Girl pick yo mouf up now.” She dropped her eyes and lifted shaky fingers to smooth curls back from her face that escaped her pinned braid.

    “My, I had no idea you had alla that under there.” The girl praised, coming to stand fully nude and she lifted eyes to her. Unlike her, she was lighter, prettier…she had an actual bust for Gawd’s sake. Compared to her modest little beestings as she called em, the girl had been blessed with an ample helping… everywhere. Her breasts were full and heavy and her figure resembled that of a coke bottle. Hips flared out and her derriere was just as plentiful. 

    “From what I’m seein you gotta mighty big piece of meat there between them thighs too Joon.” The girl made her want to vomit but she swallowed thickly. So… this was the kinda girl he liked huh? A male meat hungry dog…a bitch sniffin for her next meal. 

    He chuckled lowly but said nothing else as he came towards them. 

    “Come on in. The water real nice!” Lily invited in the smaller fresh water pond. 

    “Why you look that way?” His voice brought her out of her reverie, eyes wide as he came to stand smack dab right in front of her, hands on his hips. 

    “W-what way am I lookin?” 

    “Like you’d rather be anywhere but here.” His voice teased her but it struck her different as it had grown low like he was tryna keep a secret. 

    “N-no…I just…I just-”

    “Wanna have some fun with me huh?” She screeched as he lifted her up over his shoulder. 

    “June Bug!”

    “That what you said right?”

    “You puttin words in ma mouf!” He laughed, lifting her to throw her into the water. 

    “My little Kira girl missed her June Bug somethin serious huh?”

    “Shol did.” Lily said under her breath with a grin.  She splashed water at him. 

    “Yeah and you don come back struttin like a peacock!” She retorted, splashing him in the face. 

    “Oh?”

    “Yeah. Who you think you are huh?”

    “For today, he’s my man.” Miss Hot lil thang said wrapping arms around his waist. 

    “Poor honey chile.”

    “What?” The girl asked, flipping her head towards the taunting voice.

    “Girl you tryin so hard to keep his attention.” Lily said, very evident scowl on her face. 

    “Oh and Miss Boy Chest ova here ain’t tryin the same?” She eyed her. 

    “Excuse me?”

    “You heard me you no chest having heifa.”

    “Hey now. Y’all ain’t gotta fight.” Jimmy said suddenly, coming to squeeze his body in between them. To her surprise, Joon turned around and lifted his hand to the girl’s neck, gripping her throat snugly. 

    “Be good.” She swallowed, eyes locked on his.

    “I’m…I’m sorry Daddy.”

    “Let’s have fun a’right?” With a nod, his fingers left her neck. Licking her lips, she closed her eyes, pressing her head back. Let today go by please Gawd.

*** 

    “That girl was tryna make Gam jealous.”

    “Yeah but if she had any sense, she’d know Gam was the only girl he had eyes for.”

    “Clearly she ain’t have none.” The two sisters snort. 

    “Gam ain’t have to do alla that. June Bug wanted her just the way she was.”

    “Yeah cause Gammy was a lady.”

    “Right.” Fingering the entry page, Tani licked her lips. 

    “It make me sad that Gam was comparing herself to every girl that came by.”

    “Well Tani, in them days…the lighter you was the better you was. Being dark wasn’t seen as a good thing… it was seen-”

    “As a curse. Like Gam said.”

    “Yeah.” Fronnie pulled her younger sister close. 

    “But ain’t nothin wrong with her skin color. Yours either. It’s beautiful and rich and shines just like sunlight.” Tani smiled some, eying the next entry. 

    “Member what Mama always say to us? Black is beautiful and it comes in so many different shades. Don’t let nobody tell you different. Or I’ma be like great aunt Lily and beat somebody up.” Tani laughed loudly, coming to quickly muffle herself. 

    “Fronnie you ain’t neva been in no fight before.”

    “Yeah but when it come to you I will.”

    “Aw.”

    “Come on now, let’s get into the next entry. Waitin gon give me anxiety.”

*** 

    “I’m sorry about earlier.” Pulling the last pin from her hair, those luscious full curls came drifting down her back, slick with water. 

    “Who…Miss Hot Lil Thang?” She asked, turning those grey eyes of hers back towards him. 

    “She was out of turn.”

    “Yeah but you put her back in her place mighty fine so,” She shrugged, turning towards him completely. Now, the waters were quieter, stiller…peaceful. Only the two of them remained. Her sister, the boys and the few girls they’d brought along all decided to head up the road for a spell, leaving them behind. 

    “Still. It wasn’t right what she said.” 

    “It’s the truth.” Sighing, she turned her gaze up at the trees, the green leaves swaying in the warm humid summer breeze. 

    “No it’s not.” He spoke bringing her gaze back down to his with a hand. 

    “Now you jus’ tryna be nice outta pity. It’s okay Joon you ain’t gotta lie to me. I got what I got.” Pulling away, she dipped underwater and he swallowed thickly, waiting until she came up for air. The spit in his mouth dried up and he felt the familiar warmth of desire hit him right in the lower part of his belly. The sunlight hit her just right just then and it was like its golden light injected itself inside of her skin, making it shimmer with golden highlights. One of her slip straps drifted down a small shoulder and the white garment had grown sheer and form fitting, outlining every curve she possessed. Sighing loudly, she turned back towards him. 

    “I happen to think what you got is fine enough.” He spoke, voice low and throaty, eyes dipping to the small little mounds that pressed round and perky against the sheer thin shift. 

    “Of course you’d say that. You’re June Bug. You’re biased.” He said not a word, instead chose to come closer and closer until he had her in his grip touch light on the back of her neck, wet curls gathered up in his hand.

    “You’re missin my whole point Kira girl.”

    “Yeah and what is that?” 

    “I ain’t speakin to you as the friend you’ve known your whole life. Not right now.” Her breath started to grow heavy. 

    “I’m speakin to you as a man. A man admirin beauty for what it is.” Her eyes grew wide and a rush of blood shot south as he watched those dark little berries she had for nipples harden. His mouth watered and he wanted to pull one of them into his mouth. Instead, she pushed away from him and hid them under the water, arms coming to grasp her waist. 

    “J-Joon stop it. You don’t have to say that.”

    “Have you ever known me to be a liar?” He asked, coming closer once again. Each lap he took towards her she took back away from him. 

    “Look…maybe we should get out. Go find the others.”

    “I don’t want to.”

    “Yeah but-”

    “When’s the last time you swam with me Kira?”

    “Is that what we’re doin right now? Swimmin?” 

    “That’s right.” Before she could protest, he gathered her up in his arms, pressing his face against her ribcage. 

    “It’s been an awfully long time.” He was feeling like he had no control over himself and as her fingers came to slide into his hair, he bit his lip to stop a soft groan from escaping. Kira had never…never elicit such a physical reaction out of him before. A part of it didn’t make any sense but a larger majority of it did. He wasn’t about to fight it. His attraction to his little girl had only been rising… steadily each and every year and gawddamn it it had stretched itself thin by now. As she so haughtily proclaimed before… she was a woman now. And he more than wanted to show her just what that meant. His throbbing angry cock demanded it. 

    “Yeah…it has been.” Her voice was quiet and soft. He lifted her up to sit on one of the rocks nearby. Pressing his cheek against her exposed thigh, he closed his eyes, finally letting his bottom lip go. Control yourself.  

    “Joon?”

    “Yeah sweetheart?”

    “I don’t like it when you leave.” Her hands slid down across his shoulders and he sighed, turning to hide his face completely. 

    “I’m awfully sorry about that suga.”

    “Hm.”

    “I gotta go where the train takes me.”

    “Yeah but that don’t mean you gotta be away for so long.” Pressing his lips against her warm soft skin, he silently asked for forgiveness. 

    “Maybe you can come with me next time. Would you like that?”

    “You mean it?” Lifting up on his arms, he kissed her forehead before meeting her gaze. 

    “I mean it.” She playfully pushed him away from her. 

    “Yeah a’right. You know my Daddy gon say no.”

    “Let me talk to em.” So reminiscent of their younger years, she launched herself at him and they fell back into the water, laughter clear and tinkling. 

*** 

    “Some of this might be too grown up for you.” Fronnie said, taking in the girlish blush that came from Tani’s cheeks. 

    “Nun uh. I..I know what sex is. I’m 15 years old.”

    “Yeah but…”

    “We readin. I don’t care.”

    “I don’t want Mama beating my tail cause you readin somethin you shouldn’t be.”

    “It ain’t like I’m out there doin it. This about Gam’s life Fronnie. And she wasn’t innocent…”

    “After bein with June Bug she wasn’t that’s for sure.” Hitting her cackling sister, she swallowed thickly. She had to read it all the way through. Even the nasty parts. After all…her and June Bug loved each other and while she was young…she knew that much. That when two people really loved each other…havin sex wasn’t bad. It just meant…just meant they could express it in a different way. 

    “It’s gettin late Tani girl. You wanna call it quits? We got the whole weekend.”

    “No! Just… just one more.” Fronnie smiled warmly and pulled her sister against her in a hug again. 

    “Alright. One more.” 

*** 

    From that day at the pond, Joon had awakened a hunger inside of me that I didn’t know I possessed. It felt awfully strange at first but as the weeks since his coming home progressed, I began to feel it grow and swell like a sun inside of my womb. It began to feel less strange and more…more natural… more familiar. I tried everythin I could to make sure distance was between us because his touch set me on fire and I burned slow and steady each time. I dared not ask my Mama what it was for fear of embarrassment. Sure, the man had grown up with me and he was considered family but still. Still. I couldn’t have her know I desired a man that wasn’t a Negro. It all posed a big problem. But not as big of a problem as what came one sunny afternoon, muggy sticky Georgia heat thick like a fog in the air. 

*** 

    “Y’all seen Jimmy?” The lot of them had gathered around a small outdoor ice cream parlor, trying to eat the rapidly melting treat. 

    “Nawl. Joon, you?” The eyes glanced his way. 

    “I ain’t seen him nawl.”

    “You think he went down to Atlanta again?”

    “Without tellin us?” 

    “He wouldn’t do that.”

    “What he be goin down there for anyway June Bug?” Strangely, the man grew quiet and licked at his ice cream for a while in silence. 

    “Hello? I’m talkin to you Joon!” Lily said with a wave of her hand. Swallowing thickly, he glanced between the two of them and the look in his eyes didn’t sit right with her. 

    “He was tryna find work down that way.”

    “And?”

    “You know Jimmy. Can’t keep his mouth shut.”

    “What’d he do Joon?” She asked, voice growing serious. 

    “Got into a fight with some whites.” Lily and her both groaned. 

    “Stupid fool.” 

    “That’s the wrong thing to do.”

    “But he assured us that everythin was a’right.”

    “What was he fightin with them about?”

    “They told him he couldn’t work at one of them fancy country clubs.”

    “Jimmy anything but dark. Them whites got an eye problem. He’s light as ever with green eyes. He look more white than any of em.” 

    “It wasn’t that.”

    “Then what was it?” Joon bit into his ice cream cone. 

    “He was up there fuckin them white women.”

    “Oh Gawd the bold bastard.”

    “Scat…”

    “Any Negro from the South know…one thing you don’t do is mess with the white man’s woman. That’s a sure ticket straight to the grave.”

    “He got plenty of fine brown tail down here he could get. I wouldn’t want no thin blotchy faced white broad no way. They all look like stiff necked crows if you ask me.” Scat continued, reaching for a cigarette. 

    “Yeah well that’s the story.” Joon said, finishing his cone. 

    “How long he been gone?”

    “Bouta day or two.”

    “Maybe he got drunk and went home with one of them pretty thangs from a couple weeks back at the waterin hole.” Dipp suggested, eating some more of his cold cream. 

    “Ion know. He always comes by in the mornin to say hi to Mama, Papa and us. He ain’t been by for at least a day…this make the second.”

    “Look, give Jimmy time okay? He’ll come around.” Lily and her exchanged looks but continued to eat their ice cream before it completely melted. The feeling in their stomachs said otherwise. Another known thing in the South was this… if a man didn’t come home…if he disappeared…something deadly and dangerous had caught up to him. 

*** 

    A couple more days had passed with no word or sight of Jimmy and by this point, both of the sisters were worried, scared and upset. But just like that, one early mornin, celadon eyes woke her up, giving her a start. 

    “JAMES!”

    “Hush girl!”

    “Don’t you hush me you heartless bastard!” Her brother grinned and kissed her. 

    “Wake up Ma and Pa will you?”

    “What’s this about Jimmy?” 

    “Just do what I tell you.” Sighing in grumbles, she got up and went into the large great room of their two room shack. Comin over to her Mama and Daddy who slept on floor pallets, she began to shake em. 

    “Mama. Daddy. Wake up.”

    “What?”

    “Jimmy want y’all to wake up.”

    “Jim’s back?”

    “Yeah…” Her parents got up and began to get up. 

    “Jim?”

    “Come on outside!” 

    “What he say?” 

    “Guess he want us outside?” By this time, Lily had woken up and rubbed the sleep from her eyes. 

    “You finally came home huh?”

    “Yeah yeah come on outside I said!” The confused family started for the door and at a yelp from their mother, tears began to well up in the girl’s eyes. There sat a beautiful Ford Model A, the chrome of the wheels shiny and new. 

    “James Bennett Jr. Where the hell’d you get this from?” Their brother grinned somethin serious and went to open the door of the car. 

    “Ain’t y’all wanna look inside?” 

    “Not till you tell us where you got it.” Their father demanded, eyes stern and hard. 

    “I bought it Pa. Just like everybody else who wants a car.”

    “And where you get this money from to buy this car huh?”

    “Same place I got the money to buy Lilian and Kira new shoes and some dresses. Ma, I got you that icebox you been wantin and a nice cast iron skillet too.” 

    “Boy hold on now hold on! Answer ya daddy now! Where you get this from?”

    “I worked hard for it Ma.”

    “When?”

    “All them times I went down to Atlanta, I was workin. Workin to give y’all all this. A car so y’all don’t have to walk. Shoes and dresses for the girls cause ladies don’t walk around in they bare feet and shreds…”

    “Jimmy… you ain’t makin no sense… what work you don did that bought alla this?” Lily asked, coming to touch some of the dresses he’d bought. 

    “Don’t ask questions lil girl. Take what I bought you and ya sister now. Gon try on them dresses.” Puzzled, they did as told and went into the house, leaving their mother and father to grill him with questions which he continued to dodge. Trying on a pretty floral cotton dress, she looked up at her sister who looked just as confused and unsure as her. 

    “What you think he don did Lil?” She asked as Lil zipped up a mustard yellow floral dress, throat tight. 

    “I don’t know but none of this is sittin right with me. The man didn’t even have money to treat us for lunch when he got back last time. Where the hell he get this money from?” 

    “Lily! Kira! Come on gals, we wanna see ya!” 

    “We gon ask him later.”

    “Hell yeah we are.” She never much cursed but this was too much. She needed answers. 

*** 

    “Start talkin.” 

    “I told you not to ask questions.”

    “We damn well will James Burnett Jr!” 

    “Your mouf don got so fresh since you been readin them magazines I swear ta Gawd.”

    “Damn that. How you afford all this? Tell us what’s going on Jimmy!” Pushing his curls back from his face, he sighed and it sounded real heavy. Like he had a lot on his mind. 

    “I’ve been nothin but a fuck up since I was born. I can’t seem to do anything right. The only thing I got is this light skin, good hair and green eyes. But what did this shit ever really get me? Ain’t nobody tell me you had to be light and smart to go places. They told me all I had to do was show up.” 

    “Yeah well you found out wrong. Hell, had you played ya cards right you coulda been one of the Talented Tenth! You coulda been goin to Morehouse or Morris Brown! Coulda been learnin somethin actually useful other than how ta fuck women.” 

    “Lilian watch your mouth you hear me!”

    “I’m sick of being told to be quiet. Specially when you make a damn fool outta yourself. Now look here, all this here…who’d you steal it from?”

    “I ain’t stole a gatdamn thing and you watch the way you talkin to me lil girl.” Lily grew flushed with anger, her freckles looking like fire had been lit underneath them. 

    “Jimmy…we know what happened…”

    “Tell me then Kira. What happened?”

    “You got into it with some whites right?”

    “Who told you that?” She bit her lip. She wasn’t gonna out June Bug…so she’d stay quiet on that one. 

    “I asked you a question girl.”

    “One of yo friends did. He told us all about it. How you been goin down there pickin fights and screwin the vanilla wafers that be lookin for some negro meat.” 

    “Lilian I swear ta gawd…”

    “Jimmy…please. We’re just concerned…” She tried the gentler approach and it seemed to be working because he took another sigh. 

    “I got into trouble that I did.”

    “Is it anything you can get outta?” She asked, reaching for his hand. He took it and squeezed it before kissing the back of it. 

    “I honestly don’t know.”

    “Jimmy…” 

    “Look, I just… I just wanted to do somethin right for once. Hell if I had it my way this damn house would be paid for and sold and y’all be and moved into one of them big ass mansions like them white bastards got. Shit, we deserve nice shit too. I’m tired of living like scum and it ain’t fittin for y’all girls to be walkin around with no gatdamn shoes.” They were quiet as he stood, sifting nervous fingers one last time through his hair. 

    “Look, I can’t stay all night. I gotta go meet up with the boys.”

    “Don’t go out there this late Jimmy. Please.” She begged, the nauseous feeling hitting her in waves. 

    “Don’t you worry now. Y’all girls gon back to bed.” Standing up, he pressed kisses to each of their foreheads and smiled at them, white teeth blazing and all. 

    “I’ll see y’all soon hear? Make sure Ma and Pa actually take the car out for a drive. Be sure to wear them dresses and get good use outta them shoes.” Getting up, he closed the door behind him. For a reason unexplainable to her, tears started welling up in her eyes. 

    “Lily…”

    “Yeah?” Her voice sounded defeated… tired. 

    “Why did that sound final?” For the longest time, Lily stared out the window, into the darkness of the night. 

    “I don’t know Kira. I don’t damn well know.” 

*** 

    “Oh Gawd what’s gonna happen?”

    “I don’t know but we needa be gettin to bed.”

    “Come on Fronnie you wanna know just as bad as I do!”

    “Yeah but sleep is more important right now. We got the rest of the weekend to read up. Besides, I don’t want Gam to start feelin neglected. Ion want her thinkin we came here just to be up here in the attic readin through her personal journal. She wouldn’t like that much anyway.”

    “Yeah..”

    “Come on baby sistah. Let’s go to bed.” 

    “Fine.” But it was funny that the same feeling of nausea that her Gam had that night she now had and it would not let her loose.