"I would like to dedicate this book to a man who lived, loved, regretted, and eventually found freedom. He was one of the meanest, hardest yet most gentle people I ever had the pleasure of getting to know. This is the work that he didn't have the courage to finish, these pages hold his deepest darkest secrets, his words completely uncut and unscripted. I hope that you get to know and respect Mr. Ichiro Matsuda the same as I did. Thank you." Flashes of light punctured the air and the handsome man began to come down from the stage. 

"Mr. Ito! What is the name of the book? Mr. Ito, what will his granddaughter do with all of his war artifacts?" 

"You will have to see the title when it comes out next week. And as for that, I think you should ask Ms. Miller that, yourself." Pushing through the slew of voice recorders, note-takers and bodies, he made his exit from the press conference. It was finally done. His job was finally done. And now, now he could focus on other things... move on to more and better and greater. Though, he knew that a part of him would always and forever carry just the tiniest bit of Ichiro Matsuda with him. Getting into his car, hurriedly, he drove away and decided to take the scenic route. Slipping on his shades, he caught Asami's number pop on his wireless caller. Accepting the call, he smiled as he answered. 

"Hey, pretty lady."

"Hey babe." 

"What's up?"

"Nothin. I just finished watching you on the television."

"And?"

"You looked really hot." Her admission made him chuckle and grin like a kid in a candy store. 

"I did, huh?"

"Yeah. Kinda makes me wanna see you right now."

"Bad girl, you know you're supposed to be studying." 

"Weeeellll... I wanna study somethin' else for a little bit." His eyebrows shot up. 

"Now, you're just being a naughty girl, Asami." Her little giggle excited the hell out of him and he licked his lips. 

"I guess I have no choice but to come see you, hm?" 

"Guess so." 

"Be there in twenty."

"Can't wait." A smirk slipping up onto his mouth, he pressed on the gas just a little harder, the change in plans sure to be very appreciated and welcomed. They'd been playing it safe... playing it slow and steady for just over a year. He was more than ready to take the next step in their relationship and couldn't wait to see just how she felt about it. She didn't let him in her honey pot that often, tried to keep his hands out of the cookie jar. But times like these made it so damn hard to resist her, pun intended. Should he tell it honestly, he'd known from the first time they'd been intimate that he wanted to ring it up and put a little bow on it. The few times they'd made love after that only solidified the intensity of his feelings. Little did she know that he'd been planning and waiting. On the night of the book release, it seemed the perfect time to press go. 

*** 

It's funny how fast years go by. One moment you have one child and then it's three years later and you have two more. Fatherhood was perhaps one of the greatest things Beatrice could have ever gifted to me and to this day, I still remain in complete awe of her. The pressure was on me to get three things after the birth of our daughter; my citizenship, a job, and an updated prosthetic leg. The one I had was completely outdated and it was the one that caused me the most pain. The other one I only wore for special events so it never was used much. I preferred just my crutch or cane but seeing a man work with only one leg always caused people to stare. 

We'd decided that upon Riko's second birthday, we'd be in a house of our own and I'd work somewhere that would provide a decent life for the three of us. Ah, I forgot to mention that. We named our first daughter Riko after my mother. It wasn't customary in Japan to have two first names but because she was an American, we decided on Ruby, after Beatrice's friend from the war. Her full name, as listed on her birth certificate, is Ruby Riko Matsuda. A name I am very proud of. 

Coincidently, once Riko was born, Ruth Jones became a different woman. We'd never been on good terms. Until the day she died, we still bumped heads. But one thing she never had to doubt or worry about was if I loved her grandchild. I tried my damnedest to be the best father I knew how to be and I suppose my efforts proved my worth as a father to her. Even now, still I say and would say it to her face on that matter. Fuck her. The old crone and I grew to laugh, cuss and joke around each other throughout the years, a tough kind of love and that was just fine with me. 

Aside from the day my first daughter was born, the second proudest day of my life came when I received my citizenship to the United States of America. That day I'll never forget. 

*** 

Cream heels clicked on the asphalt and eyes followed the magnetic woman as she entered into the building. She wore a fashionable beige and black checkered dress, so form-fitting that it appeared painted on her body. It outlined her petite waist and slender yet round hips and small cap sleeves emphasized her dainty shoulders and bare arms. Short matching cream gloves covered her hands and she wore a sheer plate hat, streams of sunlight drifting through to cast beautiful shadows on her warm tawny skin. 

A man just as good-looking as her walked beside her and the two of them immediately drew attention. He was dressed in a white shirt, sleeves rolled up to reveal thick sinewy biceps and tailored white trousers, a slim black belt to provide a pop of contrast. He kept his hair in a more traditional style, a short yet tasteful pageboy. The two of them strolled up right to the office of Head of Immigration. Upon opening the door and setting eyes on them, the man's jaw dropped. 

"I'm sure you remember us from a year ago. Beatrice Matsuda." Taking her outstretched hand, he gulped as she mosied her way into his office and he could barely take his eyes off her ass long enough to see the cool gaze of the man that had accompanied her. Quick to close the door behind them, the man reached into his pocket and plucked out a handkerchief, dabbing at the sweat on his big fat forehead. 

"Don't you look different." Sitting in her chair, she lifted her leg to cross it and the exposed skin of her legs made the man red like a cherry. 

"I'm not the bloated pregnant nigger I was last time, huh?" 

"Most certainly not." The man drawled, not even hiding the fact that he was ogling her. 

"Yes, well, as promised, we're back! Aren't you glad to see us?" 

"You, of course. Him, no." She laughed, drawing a quick chuckle from the man. Ichiro, however, was less than humored. 

"Let's cut the bullshit, shall we?" Her voice was oh-so-sweet and he ate it up like white on rice. 

"You have something for me I presume?"

"Our marriage certificate. As promised." 

"It's a pity you're wasted on a mook like him. A real American man would be proud to have you as his wife." 

"Now, that's where I draw the line. Last time we were here, you humiliated him, made him feel less than every bit of the man he is, and disrespected me to Kazoo." Reaching into her pretty black purse, she pulled out an envelope. 

"I'm sure you've heard all about the men who served on the Japanese side of the war. Of course, we called em' monsters, beasts that deserved to be exterminated, and brutes. Truth is, they might not all have been like that." Getting up, she took her time approaching his desk, the slow switch in her hips seductive. 

"Let me tell you about my soldier man. He's every bit the animal you think he is." She whispered into his ear, drawing a surprised little moan from the fat fuck. 

"I had to talk him down from coming in here and cutting open the fat turkey neck you call a throat." Wide eyes lifted to her frosty ones. 

"Now, here's our marriage certificate. And," Reaching into her purse again, she retrieved another envelope. 

"Here are the results of his literacy test. A little spoiler, he passed 'em both with flying colors." Tapping it with her fingers, she smiled at him and stood up straight, pressing down imaginary wrinkles off her dress. 

"The next time my husband has to come up here to visit you, I won't be here. If you were wise, you'd give him every damn thing he asks for." 

"You threatenin' me nigger?" Lips smiled but her eyes carried hellfire. 

"No, sir. I'm not threatening you." One last time, she pressed her lips against his ear, making him stiffen up. 

"I'm warning you, cracker." She gave one last smile his way, teeth included this time. 

"I trust we should receive his papers within the next couple of weeks, right?" 

"Yeah. Couple weeks." 

"Ain't that good news, Papa?" Going right up to the seemingly mute man, she smoothed down his shirt and gave him a nice big smooch. 

"I think our job here is done huh? I'm ready to eat, what you say daddy?" He gave her a very satisfactory answer, a kiss that took her breath clear away and a palm full of her derriere. 

"Let's get a move on then." Fixing her smeared lipstick, she readjusted her hat. 

"Have a good day now, sir." She started to head towards the door, however, he stayed put, eyes staring holes into the man. The look on his face chilled him to the bone and he couldn't breathe properly until finally he released his invisible grip on his neck and closed the door behind him, joining his wife. 

*** 

I received my papers as promised about two weeks later. To my and Beatrice's surprise, something else had been in the mailbox. A small package with names we recognized. Tearing the parcel open, we found 22 neatly bound envelopes with the Imperial family seal on them. A check for each month over the last year and a half that had continued to show up to our home in Kurashiki. Counting up the total amount, it more than satisfied the needs we had and then some. Pressing my forehead against the bundle, I silently thanked the gods for their favor. Hopefully, it would convert well in American dollars. 

There tucked in the corner was a folded-up letter and before I could get to it, Bea had already started to read it. Minato and Etsuko had welcomed a child of their own in the time we'd been gone and their family was growing well. They demanded we visit. Aunt Junko was taking care of the house in our absence and she had welcomed a companion of her own, a stray dog that would follow her home. It made me smile, envisioning the animal following her into the kitchen as she cooked. 

In celebration, we went on a date and Beatrice's mother watched Riko. I wanted to make another child but Bea wasn't ready yet. She was still trying to get into the swing of things and become reacquainted with her body after giving birth. She didn't deny me or refuse me unless she didn't want to be intimate. I wanted to make her comfortable and feel good, so most times our lovemaking wasn't penetrative and included a lot of foreplay. It was there that night in a cabin located in Starved Rock State Park that I helped her re-learn her wants and her needs and re-tap into her power. 

Under the plethora of twinkling stars and black sky, flesh aglow and warm by the fire's light, she slowly let me back into her body, embracing the fear and welcoming the pleasure and pain of being filled up all over again. Slow and steady, it felt so good. Just like our first time. The tears that slipped down her cheeks were ones of relief, gladness, and vulnerability. Our bodies fell into a rhythm of their own and we let them. 

As we lay together in the glow of our climax, we talked about so many things, until we fell asleep with words still on our lips. The beauty and blissful quiet of the forest made me homesick for Kurashiki. It also gave me an idea of where we would want to settle. When we returned to Ruth Jones' house, we developed a plan to put our idea into action. We deserved our own little piece of heaven in this country and I'd make damn sure we got it. 

*** 

Pretty glossy black, curls upon curls. Skin kissed by the sun, a nice healthy color so reminiscent of the other love of his life. Tiny little lips that smiled and pursed, animated voice that babbled nonsense. Bright lively monolid eyes, full of warmth and trust. She consumed his thoughts nearly every day and it pained him to be away from her. Sitting her up on his chest, he felt himself chuckle as she lifted her tiny little hands and clapped them. 

"Happy are you?" Giggling, she clapped some more as he blew against her belly. 

"You're my world. You're everything good to me." 

"Da-da..." 

"Hm?"

"Da-da..." Teeth smiling, he couldn't resist kissing her cheek. 

"Riko." 

"Da-da."

"My Riko." She seemed satisfied by the confirmation and leaned forward to snuggle up against him in her favorite spot, right against his neck. Enclosing her with his hands, he listened as she took a little breath and yawned, wiggling closer before drifting to sleep. 

"Otousan will never leave you. I'll always protect you, my sweet girl." 

*** 

The time finally came when we had overstayed our welcome. Of course, Ruth Jones protested that we didn't have to go. But, Bea and I wanted and needed our own. It was thanks to the gods and to Bea's as well that the money we'd accrued all that time while in Kurashiki had transferred over in American dollars. Money that I would use to build a house, a place where she could plant her own garden, and a place where Riko could run around and get dirty. We gathered our things and made our exit. 

Our journey led us to so many places, places that didn't want us. So, we traveled around some more until we found fortune in Essex Junction, Vermont. By then, I'd bought a couple of nicer prosthesis and purchased a nice secluded spot with over 84 acres of land with plenty of forests, a lake, and babbling creeks. Away from the city with access to Mount Mansfield. The nearest neighbor 15 miles down the road. It was perfect. So I built. 

*** 

Screams and laughter surfaced as hands pushed torrents of water up from the lake to splash. 

"Ichiro, you're gonna get Ruby wet! Quit!" 

"Don't be such a brat and get in like I told you."

"No." 

"If I have to get out to get you, you're not going to like it."

"Oh yeah?" She teased with a grin, sticking out her tongue. 

"Mama, I swim with Daddy." Eyes sparkling, he grinned. 

"The child has spoken. Both of you get in here." Pursing her lips, she smacked her teeth and rolled her eyes. 

"You pickin' ya daddy's side huh, Ruby?" 

"I want Daddy..." 

"Lawd child all you say is daddy this, daddy that. You love your Papa huh?" The little girl giggled and nodded. Hoisting her up on her hip, the two of them began to laugh as they ran towards the lake. Dipping underwater, Bea surfaced to see Ichiro standing in shallow water with his crutch, hugging their daughter close. She pointed with her little finger out into the distance, the cluster of trees in the horizon. Kissing her on her forehead, he agreed with whatever she was talking about. She stayed put as the two of them swam into deeper water. 

"Don't be scared Ru baby. Come to mommy." With the help of her papa holding her body above water on her stomach, she kicked those little legs until she finally made it into her momma's arms. 

"Good job Ruby! That's mommy's baby!" Wrapping arms around her waist, he pulled both of his girls against him and welcomed a sweet little kiss against his mouth. 

"Are you happy?" His warm raspy whisper against her ear made her shiver and she bit her lip in a smile. 

"Very happy, papa." Smiling against her shoulder, he left them to dive underwater, the promise of warm soup to chase away the chill of the night, marshmallows over fire, and a steaming hot bath with his wife awaiting him. 

*** 

Those years were some of the best years of my life. I never wanted them to end. I loved the life we'd created for ourselves. All the hell we endured and suffered seemed even the slightest bit worth it. Our second child, Elijah Aoi Matsuda was born in 1954. We were lucky to have Bea's mother stay with us during her pregnancy and this time, we were much more prepared for a home birth, inviting a midwife who Bea had become comfortable with and befriended to stay with us on the property until it was time to deliver. This time, her delivery was a little easier and quicker than with Riko, for that Bea and I were glad. In '55, Joseph Teruo Matsuda was born and our last child, Ann Koharu Matsuda in '57. 

With the growth of the children came the growth of everything else. The strange lit-up talking rectangle they called television was advertised everywhere and eventually made it into our house, with restrictions of course. Hiking, cooking, grilling on the weekends, and letting the kids play in the forest was regular occurrence. In the summers, Bea would pick freshly grown cucumbers and tomatoes and make an amazing summer salad with chilled goat cheese that Riko helped her with. The boys and I would surprise her on her birthday with something handmade each and every year. Of course, I couldn't help myself in setting order and discipline. It's who I was. Thanks to their mother, I loosened up as they grew older. 

When we entered into the '60s, we found ourselves in the midst of yet another war, Vietnam. Seeing the soldiers on the black and white screen heading into battle sent flashbacks and memories from the war crashing back into me. It was a very turbulent time, full of civil rights and the cry of the people demanding freedom from injustice. We'd had our fill of war and didn't want anything else to do with any of it. 

We went to the jazz lounges to distract ourselves on weekends when the kids wanted to be at friends' homes or their grandmother's, among younger wilder musicians. We weren't entirely too old yet, we still had life. We still had fire of passion dripping through our veins for each other. Booze, cigarettes, and wild, frantic, mellow, calm, smooth jazz. Vodka and a fruity number. Arms, body heat, skin on skin, and plenty of kisses. Some nights, Bea would get on stage and sing a tune or two to prove to herself that she still had it. She never failed to grip the audience and each and every time I was transported back to the Oriental Pearl on the first night we met. Each and every time, I fell deeper and deeper in love with her. 

When things grew to be too violent in the States, we moved to Kurashiki and lived there for a couple of years until things died down. It was good for the kids to gain exposure to the other part of who they were. I enjoyed taking them to the same places my father had taken me as a child and watching them soak up their culture, rich history, and identity. It filled me with great pride. 

We had plenty of conversations with Riko and the others about the other students they went to school with when topics like why they appeared different or why their hair was curlier came up. It helped that Minato and Etsuko's older kids formed a protective unit around them and looked out for them. Oftentimes, I'd go to the school to pick them up. Being the kind of father I was, I'd give all of the little shits one good glare to scare them and the stories of being questioned seemed to wan as time went on.

As fast as it took one to blink, the years blended together and school passed, junior high school, high school. Before Bea and I knew it, the tiny humans we'd once held and learned to walk and talk with had reached adulthood. It was bittersweet, watching Riko leave the house first, to enter the workforce as a nurse, following in the footsteps of her mother. Aoi followed soon after that, to college for trade. Teruo and Koharu stayed with us the longest. Perhaps it was because of our children's desire to spread their own wings and fly that caused it. Maybe not. What I remember is that Bea started to grow ill consistently around a particular time of year. Winter. At the time, she didn't think much of it and neither did I. If I could go back in time, I'd do everything differently. I'd pay better attention.

*** 

"Ru baby, grab the groceries for me."

"Sure, Ma." 

"Eli, get the heavy stuff and bring them."

"Yes, Mom." As her two oldest started for the tasks she'd given them, the strangest thing happened. The air started getting real heavy, almost like a hand was slowly wrapping itself around her neck. Not in a good way, not in the way her husband did it. No, this way didn't feel good at all, it felt like-

"MA!" Brown paper bags dropped onto the snow. 

"OTOUSAN! DAD!" Hands dropped to drift across her body and face and Eli tried to lift her, who had fallen to the ground. Shoji shot open and the face of their father appeared in the doorway. 

"What happened?"

"Mom fell!" Not sparing time to gather a coat, he shoved open the thin screen and came rushing out as fast as his legs would allow. Kneeling, he scooped her up with ease and headed back into the house, leaving the siblings drooped in the snow. 

"Let's get in there, Rub. Come on," Eli said under his breath, bending to grab all he had dropped. Doing the same, the two of them soon entered the house. 

*** 

It took a few minutes of warming up before she came to, a thousand pairs of eyes staring at her. 

"Momma! You scared us!" Ann exclaimed, going right for a hug. 

"Ma, do you remember what happened?" Ruby asked, eyes full of concern. Her own blinked in confusion for a minute as she tried to gather her bearings. 

"I remember watchin' y'all head to the car and then... I don't remember a damn thing." 

"It's all right now. Ka-san's alive and well. Finish taking the bags into the kitchen." His voice cut through and everyone straightened up. 

"Yes, sir." Getting up, they scattered through the house, all rushing into the kitchen to talk. With a heavy sigh, the big body of her husband came to sit on the couch next to where she lay. 

"Don't start makin' it be somethin' when it's nothin' Ichiro." He didn't say a word, just turned those intense eyes down to look at her. 

"My body's going through changes again...it's all right."

"You're working too much. Too hard." His voice was firm and gruff but she knew, knew in the way his hand drifted down from the couch cushion to her waist. It was a cover for his concern. 

"That's the job of a nurse, baby. Work's never done."

"It's not worth pushing yourself to the limit, Beatrice." 

"Okay, Papa.... okay..." She conceded, starting to sit up. Wrapping her arms around him, she pressed her cheek against his shoulder. 

"I probably am workin' a bit too hard lately. I'll admit that." 

"And?"

"And I just turned 50 this year that's what the 'and' is. Hell, my body is freaking the hell out." Pressing a kiss against his neck, she gently bit into the skin there, causing him to release a slow breath. 

"My body can't give you any more babies. I stopped bleeding last year so no more periods. My skin is acting up which it ain't neva did before and I'm startin' to gain weight. I'm getting old, Papa." Brushing her nose against him, she inhaled him, the action making a break in the firm frowning lips on his mouth. 

"You are too, you know. I see them greys." 

"You're the reason they're there, woman. Stressing me the fuck out all the goddamn time." The two of them shared a laugh. 

"Well, I'm gonna keep stressin' you out. It looks good on you, daddy." Leaning her back against the couch, the two of them didn't take long to lose themselves in each other in lips, tongue, and breath, nostrils inhaling each other like an aphrodisiac. 

"Go through this change with me, baby. Let's jus' ride the wave and see where it take us." Her voice whispered up against his mouth. 

"Fine." With a grin of victory, she sat up as he released her. 

"You're sure it's not-"

"Neva that, daddy. Neva." Lips smirked as he got up off the couch, he chuckled. 

"Good. Later, then." A coquettish gaze and tongue-licked lips smiled as she stood up. 

"That'll make me feel a hell of a lot better." Just as she turned to head into the kitchen, he playfully gave her bottom a firm smack. 

*** 

Time had been kind to her and I in the 27 years of our marriage. We were the same and yet we were different. Some things hadn't changed. Our libido most certainly hadn't. When we couldn't get our clothes off fast enough and fucked like rabbits over and over again. When I wanted to take my time, sink into her nice and slow and she wanted to be filled up little by little until the fullness left her breathless and made tears bud at the corners of her eyes. The intensity, the stamina, the raw passion, power, and release. 

And yet, some things had most definitely changed. Sifting my fingers through her hair, the peeks of grey blended with the dark rich brown-black. Her hair was still very full and thick and it was lovely. My own obsidian strands revealed shocks of silver and I didn't mind them. They were beautiful because Beatrice called them so. She enjoyed playing with my hardened aging hands. Gently massaging the fingers, one by one. Followed the thick ropes of veins that weren't there the past decade with her fingertips. When she smiled, the beginnings of laugh lines appeared. When I did, the whisper of crow's feet hugged the sides of my eyes. Waking up in the middle of the night on wet sheets, only to see Bea standing in front of an open window, body shiny with perspiration. 

Skin smooth and supple in places, thickened in others, and all over golden amber. Hers was a body that carried the evidence of having birthed, stretch marks that threaded down and across the cheeks of her ass and across the sides of her stomach, trees of life, the roadmaps to the stars and heavens. Motherhood had made Beatrice even more beautiful, the slight droop of her breasts from years of supplying milk to my sons and daughters now brought me sustenance and renewed pleasure. Heavier wider hips and dimples of fat in thicker thighs. The imperfections she lamented over, I adored, I appreciated and I worshipped. Just as time had been kind to us, it also proved that it could be cruel and unforgiving.

*** 

1977

University of Vermont Medical Center 

He'd drowned out the beeps by now. Eyes staring at the jump of the green line that waved in waves and patterns on the small machine screen so long his eyes had grown watery. 

"Mr. Matsuda? Mr. Matsuda!" A loud voice disturbed his focus and he didn't hide his irritation at that fact, lifting chilly eyes upward. The white man in white. The doctor they called him. He preferred nuisance. 

"How are you today, sir?" 

"My wife is in the hospital. How the fuck do you think I'm doing?" Disinterested eyes cleared his throat. 

"Yes, my apologies."

"What do you want?" 

"I've come to talk to you a bit about what's going on with Beatrice." 

"Mrs. Matsuda." He corrected, eyes growing even colder as time passed. 

"Mrs. Matsuda. There's no easy way to say this but...she's dying." He froze and at once the chill in his eyes disappeared, confusion and distrust replacing them. 

"Explain." He ordered, eyes now finding his sleeping wife. 

"Last year, she had two major heart attacks within the span of a couple of months. It's a miracle she survived them both. What has her in here now are blot clots on her lungs." 

"Spare me the history lesson." He hissed, voice now vicious.

"What caused this?" 

"Ischemic cardiomyopathy."

"What the fuck is that?" 

"Let me put it in terms maybe you will understand. Her heart is failing. Has been failing." 

"No." Rough and low, the one word ripped through the atmosphere. 

"She didn't just get like this. This doesn't just happen."

"She more than likely was unaware of her unfortunate family history. It seems that heart disease and heart failure runs on both sides of her family. She had been predisposed to it at birth thanks to her mother and father." The way the doctor talked about her like she was a living, breathing disease, like it was nothing less than expected... it pissed him the fuck off. 

"If you knew all of that then why the fuck didn't you catch it in time? You're supposed to be our great white savior." He spat, coming to his feet. 

"It's not my job to correct patient negligence. Understand that, Mr. Matsuda. I understand you are upset but your anger is completely misguided." 

"Get out." Glancing at the woman lying in the bed, the doctor turned his back to him. 

"If you pull her out of here, she'll be dead by tomorrow morning. At this moment, the only thing keeping the blood clot in her lung from killing her is our medicine. Think about that before your next temper tantrum." He watched the door close, rage, tears, grief threatening to tear him to shreds. 

"He's full of shit." Drawing nearer to her bed, he lowered gentle fingers to caress her cheek. 

"You're not going anywhere. You gave me your word that you'd stay. Didn't you Bea?"