Finally, the racket had died down. It was loud enough that he couldn’t get any sleep. The heat of the night flushed him with sweat and he quietly turned to lay on his side. Eyes remained closed as the door to the dormitory opened and in stepped Takahashi.  

    “Wake up. I know you’re not sleeping.”  Scowling, he proved his point and opened them, casting an annoyed glare upward. 

    “How could I sleep with all that fucking noise?” The cheeky son of a bitch grinned. 

    “Somebody liked it.” He knew what he was referring to. It was plainly obvious that his nether regions had pitched a slight tent at the noise.

    “When’s the last time you got laid Matsuda?” 

    “None of your business.” Takahashi snickered and crawled to lay in the bed next to him. 

    “You’re unbelievably tense, soldier. A pretty woman would definitely solve all of that.” 

    “Fuck you.” Takahashi chuckled and snuggled down underneath the thin blanket. 

    “Last I remember, you got laid in Nanjing. One of those pigs broke your family picture I think right?” He didn’t answer him, his hands starting to form fists. 

    “I always took you for being the soft type. Always quiet. But that day, you really made us all proud.” 

    “Takahashi,”

    “You got so pissed that you lifted your pistol and shot her brother in the head.”

    “It was her brother?”

    “Lucky for you, I know some Chinese. She kept begging you not to shoot him but you did it anyway. Serves her right.”

    “Hm.”

    “And as if that wasn’t enough, you got good enough practice with your bayonet on the father and mother didn’t you?” Sighing, he glanced over to see Takahashi propped up on his elbow, grinning. 

    “I didn’t think you had enough balls to help yourself to her but you did, right there on the side of the road next to her mother’s blown-out brains. I knew you had it in you.” 

    “Stop fucking talking and go to sleep.” That was the end of the conversation and Takahashi’s laughter pissed him off even more. He didn’t need any reminders. He knew what he’d done. The bitch had no right destroying something so precious to him. So, he paid her what was owed to her. Inhaling and exhaling through his nose, he calmed himself. In the new refreshing quiet, he fell asleep. 

*** 

    The year was 1943. My platoon had been stationed in Shanghai for two years. During that time, I’d been at base studying and performing minor duties. A part of me wanted to be back in the middle of the action as we had been in Nanjing. A large part of me enjoyed it. The thrill. The rush. The adrenaline. I began to understand just what Mukai and Noda had referred to back when I was just an inexperienced cadet. Even so, even still…the nagging tear at my heart distracted my focus. 

    This persistent tug-of-war between what I’d always known…and what seemed right and wrong. I felt like I was betraying my country….my Emperor… my Father. What we did for Japan was always right. Regardless of what it was. If by our behavior we wanted to bring a positive change to the advancement of our motherland, what then could be wrong?

***

    “What about those ones?” Eyes looked out to see young girls laughing down the road from them. 

    “What about them?”

    “Should we fuck them?”

    “You would fuck an electrical socket wouldn’t you?” He retorted with a firm frown. 

    “If it felt good then yeah.”

    “Unbelievable.” 

    “Takahashi. Matsuda. Return to base.” Saluting their superior, they gathered the small bunch of them that had been assigned to stand post and got into the truck. 

    “It’s a pity we have to leave. I wanted the one with the short hair.”

    “You act like we’re in chains, Yamanouchi.” Takahashi grinned. 

    “This is our city which means we can do whatever the hell we want to.”

    “But, if our Sargeant-”

    “Fuck him. He’s a stuffy fat fart who doesn’t know when he shits.” Lifting his arm, he wrapped it around his neck and yanked him against him. 

    “When we’re done, we’ll come back and you can have her.” Yamanouchi mirrored his grin. He, however, just turned his gaze towards the window, watching the trees, moving forms of humans, women’s coats, and men’s suits. He’d grown tired of the same shit. When he’d left his mother at 18, he hadn’t left her to be babysat by a by-the-books Sargeant. He’d had enough education. 

    Two years in, he’d learned very well how to shoot a rifle, a pistol and how to load and unload a machine gun. He’d gotten first-hand experience holding a katana. The significance of it, the feeling of it, the connection to it was something one could not and did not acquire in the classroom.

    “Hey, Matsuda.” Letting a bored glare leave the window his eyes met Takahashi. 

    “I dare you.”

    “To do what?”

    “Have fun for once. Get out there and explore what it means to be young and free. Don’t come back until you do.”He scoffed and turned his eyes away but the annoying bastard kept right on talking, as if he hadn’t dismissed him. 

    “Oriental Pearl Lounge. There’s all kinds of pretty things in there, hm?” He winked. 

*** 

    He was annoying. Takahashi. He didn’t know when to shut the fuck up. Couldn’t seem to catch a hint. Perhaps, this war to him was just a reason to fuck until his dick came off. After all, every one of us had our reasons for joining. More than the hatred for his incessant blabbering, I hated, even more, the curiosity that gnawed at my stomach. The nudge that seemed to say, it’s all right. Explore. Have fun. The world is yours to have.

     My father was an extremely disciplined man. The memories I have of him are best described as being a drill sergeant. From the time I was old enough to walk, I underwent an intense militaristic upbringing. Weakness wasn’t in my blood. Matters of the flesh were nothing but a distraction. And yet, I found myself succumbing to one such moment of weakness…days after I had tried to resist. 

*** 

1943 

Oriental Pearl Lounge and Bar 

    The sounds of jazz filled the small club and the sweet smell of cigar smoke created a thick white fog. The musicians played on, lost in the moment it seemed. Eyes took in the surroundings and he swallowed thickly. He’d never been to a place like this before and every hair on his body stood up at the strange environment. The music was foreign yet strangely comforting. It seemed to electrify him from the inside out and set his very blood on fire. Heading to the bar, he removed his uniform hat and ordered a Russian vodka in clipped nervous English. Another suggestion from Takahashi. When you go out, order a Russian vodka. It’ll make your balls grow even more hair. Lifting the drink to his nose. Interesting. Straight alcohol. No hints of anything else. So deceiving it appeared as smooth and clear as water. Almost like sake with a much more pungent smell.

    “Ladies and Gentleman, give a warm welcome to our next performer. She’s a modest little thing but can sing like a canary. Miss Beatrice Jones!” Feeling the heat from the drink slip into his bloodstream, he turned as a woman stepped out on stage. Lifting the glass to his mouth he took another sip. As she turned towards the crowd and gave a soft smile, he choked feeling the burn of it brutally set his throat on fire. Coughing, he swallowed the pain and burn. 

    “My name is Beatrice. I was born in the States but I’ve lived here in Shanghai for the last ten years. If you don’t mind, I’d like to share a bit of home with you.” Her Mandarin was delicately favored with the Wu accent. He took another sip, eyes focused on her in her entirety. A soft piano began to play. The lights from above shined on golden-brown skin. Like coffee that had cream in it, it was a rich tawny color.

    “It’s not the pale moon that excites me, that thrills and delights me. Oh no… it’s just the nearness of you…”  Small shapely lips smiled as a horn accompanied the piano. 

    “It isn’t your sweet conversation that brings this sensation. Oh no….it’s just the nearness of you…” Her face was small and heart shaped, her nose a delicate button. Enticing almond-shaped eyes. She was petite both in frame and height yet undeniable femininity caressed her. Seemed to invoke slow careful breaths from him…from every man there. Modestly dressed in a tasteful yet form-fitting dress, long beige sleeves covered her arms and square shoulders shaped her own.

     Outlining her slender waist and hips, the smallest peek of her slim dainty legs seemed to tease. A large plucked feather served as the singular decoration on her, plush and elegant. Her hair was uncovered, pulled away from her face in large tucked pin curls. She began to sway side to side as the vibrations took hold of her… of them all. She closed her eyes and allowed the music to move her, a sweet soulful voice filling the room with crystal clear melody. Completely enraptured, he couldn’t move or breathe for that matter until she had finished her song roaring applause accompanying her departure from the stage. 

    “You alright?” A sharp clap to his back jolted him and he tore his eyes away from the ethereal beauty of the woman. Lifting a hand to his neck, he cleared his throat. 

    “Yes. Ah…” The man smirked and nodded his head back towards the stage. 

    “She’s a beautiful girl huh?” He didn’t answer. Both men were quiet as the band began to play a slow calm tune.

    “First time here?” His next drink recommendation was a gin and tonic and he ordered it, tightening his jaw at the grinning man. The man somehow irritated him though he was a stranger. He reminded him of Takahashi. 

    “Yes. It will be my last time here.” The man laughed suddenly, a barking gruff laugh signaling the use of a long-term smoking habit. 

    “If you’re worried about finding that woman attractive don’t. In here those matters melt away with the music.” Clenching his jaw, he slid annoyed eyes towards the man and made quick work of his drink. Reaching into his pockets, he paid the tab and stood. 

    “I’m not attracted to her.” That damn grin remained on the man’s face as he watched him grab his coat and hat. 

    “They all say that at first. Somehow they manage to always find themselves here searching for the ones they said they didn’t want. Soldier or civilian. Japanese or Chinese. It doesn’t matter. Beauty is beauty and it was meant to be appreciated.” He slipped into his coat and placed his cap upon his head. With a stiff bow of the head, he made his exit from the cozy atmosphere of the lounge. And try as he might he couldn’t stop himself from hearing the sweet soft melody of her voice in his mind as he made it back to his barracks. 

*** 

    Ikki, 

    How are you faring, my son? Are you healthy? Are you eating enough? Are you on the battlefield? My thoughts and days are consumed with you. I miss you and I cannot wait until you are home. Grandmother is doing fine. Her knees are aching her a bit more nowadays but a trip to the hot springs will clear it up. I am also well. Just missing my son. You make me so proud Ikki. Write to me soon. 

Mother 

*** 

    When I got back to the barracks, words couldn’t place how I felt. Hot. Cold. Warm. Feverish. Muddled. My skin felt hot to the touch. I felt as though I had swallowed a lump of scorching coal. Drunk. In my haste to undress, for some reason, in my hazy brain, I could not stop thinking about the woman. Gasping, I pushed back my comrades and hurried to the bathing quarters. 

    Cool water jet against my heated flesh and I submerged my hair and face under the pleasant pressure and weight. Fragments of lips smiling and singing, the seductive soulfulness in her soprano, the way she caressed the words, the melody….It didn’t register to me at first that I’d begun touching myself, the way the light enhanced the gold tones in her skin and her hips swaying had me lost. Somehow, the notes of melody clear and crystal in my ears somehow morphed into tantalizing hypnotic moans.

     The images turned into moving pictures, my innermost desire at that moment to pull her from the stage, lift her dress and bury my length inside her choked my breath. I couldn’t let go until another form of light entered my body and I let the remnants of my alcohol-induced frailty slip down the drain. Breathing heavily, I lifted my hand from below my hips and to the titled wall, staying until the water turned cold freezing the weakness in my body completely.