War Within

Spock has been here before, this place where his mind debates about his decision or decisions in life. He recalls that Nyota was holding him as he watched Jim surrender to the troll-like controlled creatures. He saw death around him. He was preparing to pass on his katra to her, but where would it have gone if she passed too. He was ready to surrender it to the universe, lost in space and time, to wander without her. There was a blackness in his mind, it had come out of nowhere and settled here in his consciousness. He is alive, alive and filled with confusion. Something had happened to him, and perhaps, to the crew?

Then he heard his father. He had spoken to him in his state of recovery, confirming that he was alive as was Nyota. Spock thought about the things he had done and experienced. The troll-like creatures, while simple in thought, still possessed the basic animal instinct to survive. Their minds were being controlled by an unknown force that was not revealed during their confrontation. Spock spoke in Vulcan as he contemplated his inner thoughts, analyzing the meaning of Surak.

Logic is eternal, and the reason is long enduring.

Why do they last forever?

They do not live for themselves; thus they are present for all beings.

The wise Vulcan puts himself last, and finds himself in the place of authority.

He detaches himself from all things; therefore he is united with all things.

He gives no thought to self.

He is perfectly fulfilled.

The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few, or the one.

Did I achieve this? Did I maintain no thought for myself? I contemplated this when I was attacking the humanoid trolls. My wife beside me, defending herself and me. Was the prime directive at play? I do not know. The opportunity missed during the transport to the planet to fully analyze the situation. Even during my stay there, my survival instincts proceeded me. Mostly for my wife.

As far as you are able, do not kill.

Can you return life to what you kill?

Then be slow to take life.

The supreme good is like water, which benefits all of creation without trying to compete with it.

It gathers in hidden places.

Thus it is like logic.

The location makes the dwelling good.

Depth of understanding makes the mind good.

A logical mind makes life good.

Accomplishments make your work good.

Proper timing makes a decision good.

Only when there is no competition will we all live in peace.

The spear in the other's heart is the spear in your own.

I have failed at this, I did take lives. Did I have a choice? Did my logic fail here? The humanoid trolls had no choice, did they desire to take our lives to save their own? I will not know. I was placed in a predicament not of my own creation. I had no control of the variables that were played out in the arena.

"SPOCK!"

"Yes? Nyota? Where are thee?

"Spock open your thoughts so I can join you."

Spock sat up from the platform he was laying on and looked for his wife in the haze that was in front of him. She appeared before him and reached for Spock's hands, then she reached out and stroked his hair.

"Beloved, what is wrong? I sense your confusion."

"My logic is faulty, I've been reciting the laws of Surak to find...balance."

"Is this why we can't reach consciousness?"

"Yes, my wife, we are bonded together."

"Do you want to wake up, with me?"

"I am trying to rationalize the situation that we were in."

"My Beloved, we are both wounded from the arena, both healing, we must balance this together."

"Yes, my wife, you are correct. I need to use logic to find my place, my balance or it will affect my performance as a Vulcan."

Spock lifted Nyota, placing her next to him, and leaned his head against hers. It was there that parts of him were healing. His life line was safe in front of him, his emotions flooded through her and she understood his situation.

"OH Spock, we didn't have a choice, we were forced and my soul would have found your katra. We pledged our love for eternity, remember?"

"Vulcan ways are embedded in me, I feel that I have failed as one."

"No, my Beloved, you saved our lives. You sacrificed all for me, for us, and the crew."

"Parted from me, never parted-those vows are ours that we said together in our bonding ceremony."

"And 'til death, do us part in our Terran Wedding."

"Being in the service of Starfleet has placed my thoughts and actions at odds, wherein I struggle with logical reason."

Nyota touched his cheeks with both hands, and looked into his eyes, seeing the conflict that was warring inside him. He couldn't explain his actions in the arena, he knew, but he was trying to find balance.

For the Supreme Intelligence is upright and merciful, and he will forgive errors on the day of tribulation.

And he is the Protector to all those who seek him in truth. Woe to the duplicitous mind, and to the wicked lips, and to the hands that do evil, and to the fool who walks the earth by two ways.

Woe to the dissolute in mind, which do not trust the Supreme Intelligence.

Woe to those who have lost endurance, and who have abandoned upright ways, and who have turned aside to depraved ways.

Spock you didn't do any evil, you used what logic dictated at that moment. Your scientific mind knew the trolls were lost, being mind controlled. You had no power over that or what happened in the arena, you didn't abandon the Way, your mind was not full of depravity. There is no wickedness in you my Love, NO."

Spock was amazed that she recited Surak, it gave him clarity to combat the confusion he was feeling.

"Nyota, you are filled with wisdom, I see the rationalization of your words. My katra was filled with despair and failure to protect you as a husband."

Nyota smiled and gently kissed her husband.

"Doesn't Logic also say:

For the sake of your katra, you should not be ashamed to speak the truth.

For there is a shame that brings error, and there is a shame that brings glory and grace. We will both achieve it together."

"Nyota, half of my heart and katra, I am grateful for your wisdom. Let's return to our lives that wait for us. I am ready. I will prepare you for consciousness."

"I'll be waiting for you. Love you Spock."

"K'hat'n'dlawa, Nyota."

Spock carefully lifted his wife back down to the ground, and held her hand as she left to prepare to wake up from the coma. He watched her disappear in the haze before he closed his eyes and focused again on meditation, completing the healing trance.

After speaking with his wife, Spock had found his balance and quoted the last part of logic.

Your thoughts wander far and wide, traveling alone, bodiless and naked, sheltering in a cave within you.

When you master your thoughts through logic, you will be freed from the chains of illusion.